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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 17:30

Presumably op was re-dated when she had a scan at 14 weeks

Lovemusic33 · 22/02/2018 17:31

I was like you with my first, found out I was pregnant durning the summer so managed to pick up a lot at carboot sales, ended up buying lots of things that we didn’t need. My dh (now ex) didn’t show much interest in buying anything new but liked finding a bargain 2nd hand. We sorted a nursery out for the baby with cot and Moses basket, total waste of money as baby wouldn’t sleep in the basket and hated the cot, ended up co sleeping.

I can see why you are excited and I think it’s ok to buy a few things but it is early days so there’s no rush to buy everything. Some men just aren’t into shopping unless it involves tools, car parts or games consoles.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2018 17:32

OP you seem to have an adult/child relationship with your partner. On top of that, he is reckless with money.

One of the things that really stands out to me is that, although he runs out of money half way through the month, you don't know what he spends his wages on. £900 gone in two weeks and you don't know what on. I expect it's credit card debt that you're unaware of.

Your relationship seems very unbalanced and that is never a good sign. How long have you been together? Why doesn't he do his share of housework/shopping/cooking, etc?

Buying stuff for the baby would be silly as (a) it's too early (b) you've already bought everything and (c) he should be paying off his debts.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 17:32

LaurieMarlow
different experience, but for me, it's definitively an essential. It wouldn't have been in a house.

My point was that buying things for your baby is not wrong in itself. My travel system was more than a grand, and it was one of the best purchase I made, worth every single penny. Buying a cot might not have been a necessity before the birth, but it would have been a pain to do it a few weeks later.

I wouldn't recommend to spend money too early however, or when you are in debt.

StatelessPrincess · 22/02/2018 17:34

He is very excited about the child and has been lovely throughout my pregnancy so far That's the most important thing. I had hardly anything until my last month of pregnancy and it was deliberate.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/02/2018 17:37

Yabu.
In fact, not just unreasonable, but it isn't sensible to buy things so early when there is debt to be paid off.
The only thing i bought prior to dd1 being born was a Moses basket, a car seat, a packet of nappies and a couple of baby grows (on the day before her due date).
It wouldn't have occurred to dh to buy anything either.

WitchesHatRim · 22/02/2018 17:38

YABU. Spending 1k at 17w is very early.

UrgentScurryfunge · 22/02/2018 17:38

There are several angles on this.

17 weeks is quite early for significant buying. Most people don't buy things until after the anomaly scan around 20 weeks, or the points at which a baby becomes viable for survival at birth. You're not even halfway yet which is why it seems premature to have spent so much at this point.

I remember with DC1 that the pregnancy had felt very real to me for about 3 months of it dominating my life. To DH who is a good, involved father, it was still quite abstract. I just looked thicker around the middle (despite barely eating for over 2 months). He couldn't feel baby's squirms. He didn't feel the total exhaustion, the constant nausea and from that point, my joints begining to grind (that were to make me near housebound in the final month). We had one of our few ever rows at that point because he didn't grasp that I wasn't blooming and was struggling. Falling out at 17 weeks wasn't indicative of his involvement as a father, but I do agree that mentally a mother becomes a mother early in the pregnancy, and a father often doesn't until the birth.

Your finances seriously need sorting and agreement. You say DP not DH. You need to protect your financial interests and make sure that he does take fair financial responsibility for your family life. Being in a better financial position does not mean you have to drain your savings particularly if your earnings are compromised. How will childcare be funded long term? Will you still have access to your share of disposable income/ savings?

If he doesn't change his financial habits and doesn't contribute fairly to family life in the future, it's a fast track to the kind of resentment that can damage and break relationships. That's not a LTB, but it is a be cautious and both of you work together maturely to resolve it.

Chocolatesaveslives · 22/02/2018 17:42

Presumably op was re-dated when she had a scan at 14 weeks

Scans are usually 12 and 20 weeks though, surely?

Fairenuff · 22/02/2018 17:43

Presumably op was re-dated when she had a scan at 14 weeks

If she had a scan at 14 weeks and it was re-dated to 16 weeks, why would she post the scan picture and say she was 14 weeks?

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 17:45

I assumed she may have had another scan? Who knows, it just doesn't seem like something worth lying about.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 17:45

GillyBeanz's advice is excellent. Open a joint account, put both wages in, take out bill money, put some aside to save for the baby, and the rest is shared between you for non essentials.

I think perhaps OP is not articulating well why she is uneasy about the current situation.
It's not really about him not buying a teddy for bump, more his lack of involvement, and frivolous attitude to money. The fact that he'll happily fritter away his wages on himself without giving any thought to the baby that's about to arrive?
I'd be worried about that too.

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 17:46

Scans are usually 12 and 20 weeks though, surely?

Only if they're 'on time' and you don't have any extra scans for any reason.

phoenix1973 · 22/02/2018 17:48

It's early yet. To some guys, it's all just a concept at this stage.
Until it's real and the baby is here, he may not be feeling it.
As long as he is showing you support and kindness and is with you making financial plans (if you want to return to work, shared care for example) for the future that's good at the moment.
Some guys don't appear interested in the scans 😕Doesn't mean they won't be a good dad.
It really is just an abstract thing in the early days.

DeathStare · 22/02/2018 17:48

If she had a scan at 14 weeks and it was re-dated to 16 weeks, why would she post the scan picture and say she was 14 weeks?

In the old post she said she was 13+2. She didn't say the scan picture was from that day. It could have been a much earlier scan. If she did have a scan shortly after that (either at 13 weeks or 14 weeks) then she could easily have been redated.

Different areas have scans at different points in pregnancy. Some people have scans ate different points to the norm for many reasons.

Or she could be changing the dates of her pregnancy slightly to try to stay anonymous.

Turquoise123 · 22/02/2018 17:50

It does rather sound as if you need to have a general conversation about finances ? You will surely be taking time off work - how are you going to finance that if your partner is not paying his way ?

Appuskidu · 22/02/2018 17:51

that is why I am disappointed - that he would rather spend the little money he does have on take aways and other stuff, because he knows I will buy the rest

You have massively bigger financial problems here than him not buying a plushy for a 17 week pregnancy (or 14 week, depending on which is true?!)

BackforGood · 22/02/2018 17:51

YABU - as I suspect you've gathered by now Grin

No need to spend £1000 on stuff for a baby. Pretty silly to be buying stuff so early in the pregnancy.
What you and he both need to do, if have a long and sensible conversation about how you are going to sort your finances once the bay arrives. It sounds like he needs to look at everything he is spending, you need to look at what you are spending, and you both need to think about how you will pay for childcare, or manage without one of your incomes.

Ippydippyskyblue · 22/02/2018 17:52

Don’t get excited and don’t hold your breath. My husband wanted children but when I showed him the white positive stick he didn’t jump for joy or anything come to and bawled my eyes out.

He never got excited or brought anything for bump one or two.

Just as well I wasn’t holding my breath. They're 25 and 23 now🙄.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/02/2018 17:53

OP posted on the 14/2 saying she was 13w2d.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2018 17:53

In the old post she said she was 13+2. She didn't say the scan picture was from that day. It could have been a much earlier scan. If she did have a scan shortly after that (either at 13 weeks or 14 weeks) then she could easily have been redated.

Yes but the fact remains that one week ago, she posted that she was 13+2 and now she is saying 17. Yes it could have changed in a week. We won't know unless OP comes back to post on her thread.

BlurryFace · 22/02/2018 17:54

When I was born, I was in secondhand boy's clothes for until I was about one because my mum "knew" I was going to be a boy and got hand me downs from friends/charity shops and didn't want to spend on replacing it all. Everything I had was used from the cot down.

But the first thing my mum and dad did when the dr confirmed mum was pregnant was cut up their credit cards and work at clearing their debt.

Your DH is taking a more practical view - a bit like concentrating on the marriage rather than the wedding day.

SEsofty · 22/02/2018 17:54

Yabu to have bought anything at 17 weeks. You do realise that you aren't even half way yet. There really is absolutely no need to buy anything at all until the final month or so.

However you clearly need to sit down and discuss finances long term and how it is going to work

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 17:55

Does it honestly matter if op is 14 weeks or 17 weeks?
I find it a bit weird A/S someone and querying this when it really doesn't affect anything here tbh.

Mollieben · 22/02/2018 17:56

Me and dh used £1000 of MY savings to buy all our baby stuff. Didn't bother me at all as we were about to become a family. It might be helpful to sit down and discuss joint finances before baby is born

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