To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

[sundowners]

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

You could look at the 'wasted' education completely another way - in that us well educated parents probably spend the least time passing that onto our DC because we're too busy pursuing our financially lucrative careers. My DH is a very interesting person with many intellectual interests he has no time to pursue now, so in a sense he/we are 'wasting' our education sundowners as we're not passing much of it onto the DC.

i also think people over infer from current circumstances - all the 3s know that they can step up if they get to a point in their life where they want to, but I suspect most of us are having a bit too much fun living.

Very interesting points dreaming

I don’t understand the posters saying women 3 can pick it up again- from the OP there was nothing to pick up as she didn’t have a career before children?

regardless - you can always look about, take training courses and prioritize getting on over your family at any point. I know plenty of late-comers to IT who've progressed a bit faster if anything as they've got life experience as well as relevant new IT qualifications.

Yes there is still ageism and sexism, but on the whole things are getting better.

Yes, my mum who's 70 probably never is going to achieve her dream to be the next Chanel, but there are plenty of more realistic dreams people can achieve if they want to switch about their priorities.

Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting that either, but you need to be honest - either you want it, or you don't. Don't tell yourself you don't want a cracking career because you're not willing to make the relevant sacrifices.

i mangled that last bit - what i mean is, don't convince yourself that you can't have something, because the truth of it is that you don't really want it enough.

It's madness to convince yourself you didn't have a choice rather than be happy and accept there aren't any choices without constraints.

It seems very “grass is always greener” of course women 3 doesn’t have, and won’t have, anything like the career of woman 1. She didn’t put in the work, or the study or make the sacrifices. You can’t look at someone who did and claim you’d quite like that.

Of course you can retrain and do something you like and are inspired by though.

All 3 women seem to believe though that its possible to have it all - its not sacrifices have to be made in either career or family. Accepting that I think would be a good thing for all of them

don't you think people are always doing this sprinkles, it's one of the worst thing about people, looking at someone else's life, reckoning it looks better, then convincing themselves they can't have that.

It galls me when I see people that have prioritised their career but aren't any cleverer/better moving ahead of me at work, but I have to remind myself that I'd rather pick my DD up on a Friday than be flying back from somewhere in Europe whilst sweating about the 100 emails I'll have when I land and having her stuck in childcare.

I pick woman 2, because she's single.

1 because I think she has the most options. I think she should take her abilities and experience and find a role that is less stressful for a better balance.

If drastic changes not possible then 3. But she needs to stop feeling shame and recognize this is a good balance for now. And she should take some time to think about what she would like to do as the children get older, and lay some groundwork now if possible. It's not too late for her to do more stuff for herself. It can be hard to move up again though - which is why I said 1. Moving down a gear is easier.

Not 2. Not permanently.

I prefer my own life though! I think I've got a great balance.

Yes totally agree dreamy. I have people tell me how sorted and lucky we are to be able to afford the childcare we want, the house etc, have good careers but then I think you know what, we wanted children for ages and waited until the time was perfect.
Until we had good jobs with good maternity leave, a good mortgage, a solid employment history, until we had qualified and got our post qualification experience etc etc. You might think we’re lucky but you didn’t make those sacrifices.

1 or 2. I have been all three. I am now 3 and I hate it although kids almost off my hands.

None of them!

1 or 2. I have been all three. I am now 3 and I hate it although kids almost off my hands.

2 is hard in your forties as everyone seems to have young kids and you don't quite fit in the party scene as you get older. It feels a bit try too hard to be dating and partying with the youngsters at 45. But... as soon as you hit 50 it's great. Different type of party, different priorities. Freedom of your own home. No DH being a pain, no looming divorce, no exhaustion from kids. Friends who are 3 are all moaning about kids and money and have no time.

Sprinkles- very true. I’ve had a few people tell me I’m lucky to have a decent career and pension, and to be doing work which is interesting and useful. I wasn’t born any cleverer than these people, and ironically many of them had more early educational advantages than me, as I went to pretty bog standard secondary school. I’ve made choices along the way. I went part time at work only for the time my children were pre school, I took short maternity leaves and returned to full time when the youngest was 4. It all cost a fortune in childcare and for several years I worked for nothing. I’ve also been sure to gain post grad professional qualifications while working full time. It’s hard but it’s got me to where I want to be. I’m not saying my way is right for everyone, but it does grate a bit when people say it’s ‘lucky.’ Er, no, you could have done it if you wanted but you made different choices

I find the whole premise of this a bit weird. Everyone's different and their happiness comes from different things. Comparisons rarely get anyone anywhere.

I agree that all three have been burnt by the expectation of 'having it all'. They're all a bit stuck in various ways, however woman 1 has more options and more capacity to get herself out of the current rut.

Women 2 & 3 should be concentrating on their current situation, deciding what they actually want and taking (potentially quite major) steps to get it.

I think woman 1. Woman 3 is worst for me. Sounds like she's having a confidence crisis and potentially very reliant on the husband.

1, 2, 3 in that order I think.

I'm struggling with the assumption that 3 has no work stress to take home. Most of the 3s I know find work stressful, receive pressure to work extra time and don't switch off any more easily than full time, highly paid workers.

I agree about 1. Ive always been a 1, apart from mat leaves and, while its bloody hard workin your thirties when the kids are young, it does get much easier in your forties when they're all at school and the childcare issues are ironed out.

I wouldn't want to be any of them as I don't want kids but I wouldn't want to be without DP. So basically semi into my career but not as much as 1 (maybe with the part-time hours of 3) I don't like too much stress in my life....

Agree very much sixteenapples I think 35-45 is very hard decade to be single/childless as so many friends are settling/baby obsessed and not coming out to play anymore. Once the excitement of pregnancies/babies/young cute kids end and you see friends coping with moody teenagers/divorces- I'm sure many older, single, childfree women thank their lucky stars, and that's when all their stressed out mum friends suddenly are in desperate need of fun adult company again.

freshstart24 no 3 really doesn't take home her work. She gets to leave on time and doesn't log onto work during her days off. Her company knows and accept it- and she has cover in days she doesn't work . She loves her days off with kids. But when at work can feel like a dogsbody/in a thankless role at times not using much of her brain power.

Interesting how so many feel no1. could so easily change her situation- almost with click of fingers. If she changed jobs/careers- there goes the pay packet that came with it. They are dependent on both salaries to pay their huge mortgage. She has asked around/seen it with fellow lawyer friends and no firm shes heard of are willing to offer any more than a 4 day week- and even that was pushing it?

You are clearly 3. You write about the other two women with pity and a sense of superior smugness. However 3 attempts to be portrayed as some sort of unsung hero.

I’d be woman 3 & have no regrets