To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

[sundowners]

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

I'd be number one, without a shadow of a doubt. Her difficulties are temporary and she has more options than the other two if she decides that she wants to change things. There are many advantages to having only one child, and it seems that she has a good marriage.

I would hate to be 2 or 3.

Is woman three me?

I would least like to be woman two. I'd prefer to be one, then three, then two.

It's subjective though and there's no right answer.

sparly: Children want time not money

Children want time and money in the later years. Woman 1 is on track to provide that.

I would say woman 3.

Which is funny because that is kind of who I am and spend time wishing I was perhaps woman 1 with an extra child. :)

Well I am woman 3 except without the high earning Husband

Woman 2 sounds like she has the best life. Woman 1’s life sounds dreadful, like a hamster on a wheel. Woman 3 is clearly you, OP, as you are terribly biased in how you write about her — you have much more empathy for her situation. If you are indeed woman 3, do not have a third child. There will be no escape from the drudgery and your life will be even more entrenched in boring tasks than it is now. Stick with two and try not to feel so guilty about your life choices.

Number 3. With the freedom and time to study further.

I was number 1 for many years, and was a single parent in high pressure but well paid job, and then became number 3 following redundancy. Best thing that ever happened!

I realised that quality of life is so much more important to me than a high pressure job with status. I am however lucky as I still earn well despite working part-time, my boss realises I do a full-time job in part-time hours and pays me accordingly, I realise that's an exception though.

If you had just described the situations I could pick, but you're also describing what the women feel and want, which may not be what we feel and want.

We might be happy to be woman 3 and not feel bad about only having a medium-level job.

Or we might be happy to be woman 2 and not feel we'd missed out on children or feel the clock ticking.

The thing about the jobs is that these are moveable things, increasingly so. How many kids you have, there is a finite window for that.

But yes, what women, including myself, need to get better at is making active choices and not spending the subsequent years agonising and reassessing.

I always thought I’d be number 1. I’m actually number 3 currently doing distance learning so I can have a career when my ds starts school. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It might not be what I planned but it turns out that fate knows me better than I do.

I promise I will come back tonight (with some dutch courage after my Friday night wine) and let you know which I am. Really loving reading these amazing responses.

To those that asked:

woman 1- is 42. Her husband is partner at a law firm. He works insanely long hours during the week, often at weekends and will fly out half way through/early back from their holidays as he has to work. The rat race for them both is getting near too much to handle. The 1 day she has off is spent doing boring household stuff so she hardly feels this is quality time with her DC. Is it selfish for both parents to be so career driven/work such long hours with a young child?

Woman 2- 38 years old. Her media job is as lifestyle editor for a well known publication. She is actually considering a sperm donor such is her desperation to have a child, but then knows finding a man after shes gone through this/with a baby might be far tougher? Whats most important? If she steps down from job now- she has no child/partner and gives up her career. Feels its a massive risk...But if she keeps up the pace of her job, finding a relationships just gets even harder.

Woman 3- is 36. She doesn't feel the kids are the drudgery of her life, she loves family life and was her choice (not husbands) to go part time, and always wanted bigger family- why she'd love another. Her plan is maybe 1 more DC, enjoy final mat leave with them, use this time to focus on what next and be confident that she wont return to her old job.

I would hate to be the child of woman 1 and would much prefer to be the child of woman 3.

i don't know - we pretty much have the same setup as woman 1, in terms of parental work except that my job isn't stressful and we have 2 DC. i don't think one parent working 4 days a week is terrible for the kids, but I do think if I was her I'd be looking to get out/do something else.

People always convince themselves they don't have options to downgrade their careers but if you look long and hard enough you can usually find them.

Could they look at moving, for example, and the mum not working at all or getting something seriously PT?

"Is it selfish for both parents to be so career/work driven..."

Answer- no but you obviously think yes. Quite bitchy.

OK so you are definitely woman 3. You are judging Woman 1 hugely and judging like this is nearly always borne out of resentment of some kind. Is this because she has the family and a career? You have turned to the Internet to have strangers validate your life because you are insecure about your lack of career, and you want people to tell you that you're doing "better" than your contemporaries so you can feel top dog.

The truth is everyone is going to have a different opinion on which life is more appealing. The fact you are very competitive with your friends is a sign you aren't happy. In that case stop worrying about Woman 1 and Woman 2 and sort your career out.

(Remember there are Woman 4, Woman 5 and Woman 6 etc out there too - someone is always going to be better/ worse off than you. That's life.)

I'm 2 but married. We've never wanted DC (am 36 now and we've been together for 15 years and that's never changed) and very happy with our life.

But I imagine if we DID want DC I'd rather be 3 than 1.

From this point in my life I'd love to be 2 but if I hadn't had children I think I'd regret it.

3 sounds like a slow death to me.

woman 1- is 42. Her husband is partner at a law firm. He works insanely long hours during the week, often at weekends and will fly out half way through/early back from their holidays as he has to work. The rat race for them both is getting near too much to handle. The 1 day she has off is spent doing boring household stuff so she hardly feels this is quality time with her DC. Is it selfish for both parents to be so career driven/work such long hours with a young child?

Sounds like he works for an American law firm. My husband is the managing partner of a British firm (albeit abroad) and has a good family/ life balance

I am lucky I chose a profession in which I could work part time and make a valuable contribution to work and household income. I personally don't think both parents can have demanding full time careers and bring up a family. I felt that you actually need to devote time to your children and how is this possible if you are working round the clock?

I do feel fortunate that we are in a position in life to have choice. Not everyone does ........

Number 3, was aiming for number 1 for a long time but it left me married late with one child when wanted more. I’d kill to be number 3 but can’t turn back time so need to be happy being me

Chatterbitch this comment came from Woman 1's own mouth. Something she herself questions, pretty constantly as I think a lot of couples where both parents hold down stressful/long hours/work that spills over into family time kind of jobs do- pretty often. She has a huge mortgage on a beautiful house in perfect location for schools they all adore, so that's another pressure on her/them.

Woman 3 longs for a more successful /rewarding career and feels despite her education her job is average and she's treated with no respect there, so if I were 3- no judgement at all, though yes perhaps jealousy.

None of them are happy

Women 3 I think is the easiest to solve - she is the one most like me I made the decision not to follow my career and have ended up in a part time role. It was my choice and I am comfortable with it. Could I have had a brilliant career in my chosen field - yes quite possibly but that would have involved sacrifices that I was not willing to make.

Woman 1 needs to sit down and decide what she wants you cant have everything as she has found out. Is there anything she can do about it

Women 1 and 3 have more control over what is causing them upset and it is easier for them to fix.

Its woman 2 who I think is in the worst situation as she wants something that she is not sure she can have

I think from your recent post that you’re no 3 and I think you’re being incredibly judgemental and over invested in other people’s lives. At the end of the day you only know how you feel. You can comment on the actual observations about what other people do but you don’t know what goes on in their heads and you certainly can’t know how their children feel

I also think you are number 3 and jealous of number 1. It’s quite obvious from your updates that you are quite judgemental of mostly 1 but also 2 and are working hard to portray number 3 as the best which you’ll get a lot of support for on MN because most woman on here appear to have a set up like 3.

Number 2s will be seriously underrepresented here and Number 1s are quite rare.

Number 1 actually has the most choices so can make changes if she wants to and still be doing fine, the fact she doesn’t shows that no mater what she’s said to you (and she maybe partly saying those things to you because she feels she has to downplay her happiness/make excuses as she can sense she’s being judged) she doesn’t really want to change her life.

Babbitywabbit I have not once said how any of their children feel or how happy they are. The descriptions I am using on each woman's feelings have come from their own mouths when we have chatted and shared how we feel- not sure how that appears so odd to you when amongst close friends.

I definitely am over invested in people close to/around me yes, I (over) analyse and play over interactions/conversations I've had daily to such a degree to drives me mad. I'd love to be in a place I feel 100% fully satisfied, happy, at peace with and never have any niggling doubts/regrets/longings for anything else or compare my lifestyle and balance and scarifies to other families/friends occasionally. But don't get me wrong- I shake myself daily and am so grateful for all I do have. My small doubts/worries are absolutely nothing in comparison to so so many peoples serious struggles and don't cloud over the 80% happiness I feel most of the time for the life I do have.
But if people are genuinely in this place of never looking sideways- I feel envious of your ability to do so.

Not sure why/how I come across judgmental -woman 1 has said herself she doesn't see DC or DH enough and wants better balance but not sure how or what to sacrifice- but is so proud in herself to have worked so hard for her amazing career and hopes to be a role model for her DC in work ethic/aspirations which is so important to her.

Woman 2- longs for a child/has amazing lifestyle and career but feels empty. But is the envy of so many friends with her travels/experiences.

Woman 3- is happy with work/life balance but not the content/type of job she has- has said she wanted to do better to make her own parents proud and her kids of her in future. Felt education has been wasted.