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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

276 replies

sundowners · 22/02/2018 14:18

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

OP posts:
bizmum1 · 23/02/2018 15:48

I've actually been woman number two - met loads of celebs and it was a glam life. I can tell you from experience, it's not the best scenario once kids come along.

I now use the experience I gained in my own business so I can work more flexible hours.

There isn't a one-size-fits-all scenario - everyone needs to find their own way.

lubeybooby · 23/02/2018 15:50

If I was woman 1 I'd want to get the family out of the rat race, do the classic selling of city home, get a bit more frugal/take a downgrade of financial status, move to the country or a cheaper area, use some savings or whatever and have another kid and actually see my husband

If I was woman 2 I'd definitely do whatever was necessary to get into a financial position to go the sperm donor route (either change jobs or sort out the necessary flexible childcare, or maybe get very frugal or a bit of all those) I was a single mum for a long time and don't regret a second.

if I was woman 3 I'd work on some gentle self help - regrets are so pointless and there's no need to be having them

As for who I'd rather be? Probably woman 2. Singledom doesn't scare me.

Twocatsonebaby · 23/02/2018 15:52

I could've had woman 2 in media etc but I was incredibly depressed. So I became woman 3 and im happier than I was tyring to become woman 2

BabyBluoozy · 23/02/2018 15:55

Woman 3 sounds like an entitled misery guts. She has a rich husband and gets to spend lots of time with her happy healthy children. So she doesn’t have the career she thinks she deserves. Since she spent most of her 20s unemployed/redundant, maybe she just doesn’t have what it takes to cut it in the professional world. A decade is a long time not to get your act together if she really is as bright as you are portraying her. But she did manage to get lucky with finding a good partner to have a family with. That’s life! Can’t have it all.

So I’d like 3’s life minus the wingeing.

dreamingalwaysdreaming · 23/02/2018 16:18

I don’t say it’s easy to downgrade your job in woman 1’s case, nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but if you have 1 high earning person then you’ve got plenty of options unless you’ve setup the constraint that you can’t move out of London.

People do set themselves up all sorts of constraints that are self created - I’m sure other good schools and nice houses could be found in places with a slower pace of life.

If you feel moving really is out of the question and you’re at maximum family stress then clearly the chance of a second child and less stressful life isn’t worth considering a big move, is to some extent what’s to regret? You’ve run the thought experiment and you’ve already got an optimised lot in life so embrace it.

Royalfuckup · 23/02/2018 16:28

Agree with all of your posts on this thread dreaming.

Also, if woman 1 truly wanted to have another child then she has the means to make that happen.
The reason being that she has already achieved a highly successful position in her career and so it is possible for her to change direction (and take a pay cut) and make more space in her personal life, if she so chooses to.

Woman 3 is in a very different position as it is arguably too late for her to achieve a similar level of success, starting from scratch as a woman in her late thirties with a young family.

Babbitywabbit · 23/02/2018 18:19

‘People do set themselves up all sorts of constraints that are self created’

This.

Of course we all have parameters within which we operate. Not everyone has the ability to be a top barrister, or the health to be a highly paid sportsperson

But on top of the natural parameters we all have, some people do have a tendency to create all sorts of self constraints. They say they can’t change jobs/move to a new area/use child care/ work if their partner has a career or whatever. It’s not always about ‘can’t.’ Much of the time there is some degree of choice.

Neverender · 23/02/2018 18:30

I was number 2, now I'm closer to number 1 but having a great time and have a much better work life balance than her. Couldn't be number 3, ever.

SweetWonderfulYou · 23/02/2018 18:34

I suppose I identify with woman 3 most, but I’d love to have the career of woman 1 or 2. I couldn’t be woman one as I love being in a long term relationship, I could cope with no kids but would need someone to love and be loved in return.

SweetWonderfulYou · 23/02/2018 18:36

I think you might be 2.

juddyrockingcloggs · 23/02/2018 18:42

I'm not any of them thankfully (thankfully for me anyway!) none of those lifestyles appeal to me! They are all career focussed and that's just not me! I work full time and I enjoy my job but it's not a career and I don't want one!

SweetWonderfulYou · 23/02/2018 20:19

Have you had your wine yet? I’m too nosey, need to know which one is you!

TulipsInAJug · 23/02/2018 20:20

I'm woman 3.

I work 4 days and have two DC. My job situation is mixed: I am very highly educated but I have a low-level career, yet find my work very stimulating and fulfilling. There is a tiny bit of kudos to part of what I do but in other ways I'm under-appreciated, the pay is low, pension very small.

My DH has a good job with a good pension. We have a nice life.

I think you're woman 3 and I think you need to focus on what you will do when the DC are a bit older - re-train, do a Masters or an OU course etc.

I would not want to be woman 1 and would definitely not want to be woman 2.

creaturefeatures · 23/02/2018 20:42

I was woman 2 until about 32.

Now I'm closest to woman 1 which is what I'd choose out of the three options.

Just goes to show no-one has it all though!

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 23/02/2018 20:45

I gave up 3 to be 1.... I kind of regret it.

NinjagoNinja · 23/02/2018 20:50

Woman 1 because she has options. She can make changes. The others are screwed by circumstances beyond heir control.

Newtothis2017 · 23/02/2018 21:05

Op which woman are you?

honeyroar · 23/02/2018 21:16

I wouldn't want to be any of them. I'd rather have a medium level career, and family life, but be able to stand on my own feet if the marriage went pear shaped. And I think all of them could pull themselves together if they tried. They sound so negative.

I was practically no 2 but met my husband at 36.

Belindabauer · 23/02/2018 21:20

I think the op is woman 1.

Royalfuckup · 23/02/2018 21:35

I’d like to be woman 2 without the regrets about not having children.

Life can be incredibly fulfilling as a child free woman.

peachgreen · 23/02/2018 21:50

I love the idea of having a glam job / travel / financial security etc but DH is the greatest joy of my life and I wouldn't give him up for anything so I'll be Woman 3 thanks. (Which is interesting as it's the closest to my actual life!)

Mind you, I do miss the freedom of DH and I's early life in London when we had more money and way less responsibility.

Slanetylor · 23/02/2018 21:59

I have to say I'd love to be woman 1 with 3 full days at home with my children and a good career.

Carouselfish · 23/02/2018 22:05

I'd want to be 3. Never been career minded. Couldn't be 1. Be sad if I were 2 as led a lifestyle like that without the career and just wanted children and husband!

Chatterbitch · 23/02/2018 22:13

Which one are you OP?Smile

MollyWantsACracker · 23/02/2018 22:26

This survey is pretty weighted towards 3 since the vast majority of people here are already parents, and have made the choice (generally speaking!) to take on the sacrifices that becoming a parent entails.

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