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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

276 replies

sundowners · 22/02/2018 14:18

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

OP posts:
giraffesatthezoo · 22/02/2018 16:25

I'd want to be woman 1, I feel I could best use her position to bounce to where I'd like to be.

The thing is, you can't literally have it all in the sense that there are only 24 hours a day. Where I am currently is not that far from woman1, though I'm only pregnant with my first but I already work four days a week in a job I worked hard to get that is prestigious to some degree but not well paid (I'm a senior manager in the charity sector; this was always my goal and never going to make a fortune)

I started to think about balance and family a few years ago. Basically, I think you need to decide what specifically is important to you about the career. So woman 1 is in law- I know lots of lawyers, I appreciate she won't be a partner in a top tier law firm working three days a week. But there are options, esp at a certain level, you just have to chose. So- does she want the job to be as stimulating as possible? I know friends who went in-house as somewhat less demanding, but found it more boring. Does she want it to be as high paying as possible? Or as prestigious?

For me, having power/influence, a certain degree of respect among my peers and life/work balance were my priorities. So I took a senior level job at a small NGO which is highly respected but pays less than a major charity I used to work- basically I took a number of steps up the career ladder with limited financial reward, when I could have stayed and earned more money, but I am passionate about the work, have the power to influence decision making, and am in a role that does get a certain amount of respect from people whose opinions I value. It's also four days a week and flexible which will be invaluable once this baby gets here.

It's v easy to get stuck on a treadmill, but if I were person 1 I would be looking at sideways steps that could either keep me at a less strsssful four days a week; or move me to a three day a week role, but it would depend on priorities. I know a formerly super stressed City lawyer who set up a tiny niche practise with another lawyer and is doing really well: they're both experts in this one area and they have the flexibility that while
Sometimes they work crazy hours they can choose the work flow.

My current role has been carefully chosen as one I can stay in for five-eight years without it looking strange, then bounce over to another role that may be a bit more demanding once I'm through the small children phase if that's what I want. (I know not everything works out as planned, but I like to think I have some options anyway) I honestly think woman 1 could do something a bit similar.

For woman 2, I agree with others: wanting children and not having them is v hard. I would struggle most with her life eighth now as there is a closing window ahead of her and that is impossibly stressful. Woman 3 has options still, and mostly needs to reframe her perspective and accept she made choices to her here And is really well placed to make choices to get somewhere else.

But on balance I think woman 1 is best placed to put things in place to have more or less everything she wants.

Roseandmabelshouse · 22/02/2018 16:25

3 family over career for me ( I've got a career that will wait which is a bonus).

2 would be my worst nightmare. Not interested in material things and celebrity lifestyle (although I miss a lie in).

Turnocks34 · 22/02/2018 16:25

Probably 3. I'd personally take a career hit to have a better work life balance and spend more time my kids.

TuftedLadyGrotto · 22/02/2018 16:26

I'd love to be able to afford life coaching or counselling to work out what I want to do. I had career that I quit due to mh (teaching) and new job still struggling. I'm 3 because I find it hard to reconcile doing a mediocre job, with the ambitious, intelligent person I was. And because of part time/lower job we are skint and so feel guilty about that.

Friends of mine seem to have careers and kids. Or they love their jobs and don't mind about progression. Wish I could be them.

blackteasplease · 22/02/2018 16:26

I think 1has the best situation for me but it's such an individual thing

I guess I am a mixture of all three!

whattodowhattodonow · 22/02/2018 16:29

It’s either 1 or 2 for me. 3’s position would be a terribly frustrating one for me but that’s just my personal opinion as I’m very career minded.

trilbydoll · 22/02/2018 16:31

I think 1 has more options than she realises, it's not 'City career' or 'nothing' there's a whole scale in between. She's chosen to stay in the city. I'd rather be her but with more appreciation of the options available to me Grin

blackteasplease · 22/02/2018 16:32

I feel that you must be woman 3 OP as you seem most sympathetic to her.

peggy2467 · 22/02/2018 16:33

3, i think.
Sounds "comfortable"...

Didiusfalco · 22/02/2018 16:37

Come on op, which are you?

meettherussians · 22/02/2018 16:37

I think you are no2. But frustrated at no3 for not valuing her life ( I suspect this is the 1 actually you'd like) and feel empathy for no1 as her situation sounds the most stressful, IMO.

sundowners · 22/02/2018 16:40

I'm genuinely amazed at these responses! I thought each woman might get far more of a "bashing" for not fully valuing what she already had etc etc. If this thread is still going/is of any interest tomorrow evening once I've had a few glasses of the vino I might just be brave enough to confess Smile.

OP posts:
Oly5 · 22/02/2018 16:42

None of them.
I also don’t think women need to be any of them.
I work FT with decent salary but work from home and flexibly so see loads of the kids.
Women can have a decent career and kids.. with the right employer

NotSoSprightly · 22/02/2018 16:44

None seem happy but being Woman 3 sounds good to me!

I'm Woman 2 at the moment but in my 20s and no pressure to have kids yet!

No one has a perfect life no matter how good it appears from the outside.

formerbabe · 22/02/2018 16:48

I'd want to be woman number 3.

GrockleBocs · 22/02/2018 16:50

I'm somewhere between 1 & 3 and I like it. I have been able to stay in my career with some compromises but have been able to scale my hours to suit my circumstances. Dc are all at school so I do more work than I did when they were little. It's ideal really.
So I'd choose to be 3 but aim to get back into something I enjoy.

JimboDoesTheLimboInHawaii · 22/02/2018 16:52

I had psychotherapy. I picked someone with a rack of qualifications from reputable universities, professional registration and a couple of decades experience. I trusted them as soon as I met them, which helped a lot too.

At the time I was really struggling with depression/anxiety, there was some complicated family stuff happening, my career was in the toilet and my marriage was in deep shit too. (Not going to try to figure out cause and effect on all of that) I don't want to get too specific about changes that I believe are directly attributable to it, but honest to god it has transformed me, my marriage... I've successfully retrained and got a sought-after job. I'm so, so much happier, and things which would have really upset me three years ago don't bother me now. Well, not as much Wink

I sound evangelical. Sorry.

Downsides - it was fucking expensive. Two years times fifty quid once a week. (Hoping the new and improved career will mean it pays for itself in financial terms) It took a long time to unpick the mess inside my head ( two years total, although it helped me start to feel better almost immediately). And it was bloody hard work, trying to spend an hour a week talking about stuff that I usually tried not to even think about. I used to come out feeling like I'd run a marathon.

NeatFreakMama · 22/02/2018 16:54

None sound happy in their situation so number 1 and quit my job and start again; sounds like she has the money to do that and has lovely family behind her.

MouldyVoldy · 22/02/2018 16:54

3 for me.

Gazelda · 22/02/2018 16:55

I'm a very happy no. 3.
Content with my life, no regrets. I hope my daughter will be equally happy with the choices she makes.

Whiterabbitears · 22/02/2018 16:59

I am woman 3 and to be honest I would choose to be woman 3 from those choices. Without sounding horribly smug, my family are everything to me and I don't think I would be happy as 1 or 2.

HippieGoth91 · 22/02/2018 17:00
  1. Stress triggers my health issues.
dimots · 22/02/2018 17:07

I was woman 3. Then my husband left me and I've had to become more like woman 1. But with more kids!

Awrite · 22/02/2018 17:11

I would be woman 1. Best pension, financially secure and self esteem through career.

RoryAndLogan · 22/02/2018 17:12

Not really any of them. Woman 3 if I really had to pick, ideally a bit of 3 and a bit of 1.
Would hate to be 2.