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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

276 replies

sundowners · 22/02/2018 14:18

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 15:46

None of them, they're all unhappy.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 22/02/2018 15:47

I am woman 1 but have changed things so we see more of dh in the week, we have two kids and I am home for bath and bedtime most of the time. It's not perfect but it's pretty good!

Paperdove87 · 22/02/2018 15:52

@sundowners yes I went to a pretty good uni but my self confidence has always been pretty low and so after I graduated I found it really hard to apply and interview for jobs - first as I didn't apply for many as I didn't feel I was qualified and then when I didn't get those few felt even more knocked back so stopped applying. So I ended up doing things like barista in a coffee shop (which I didn't enjoy) and then I was a cashier in a high street bank. I was there for years and I enjoyed it but it was easy and unfulfilling and I felt like I was wasting my time and degree when I could be doing something better. Eventually I refrained as a teacher and I love it!

hairycoo · 22/02/2018 15:53

Id want to be 3. Without the shame/guilt. Then she'd have the perfect balance. Why does 3 feel like this, does she feel she has let her own expectations down or other peoples?

bibliomania · 22/02/2018 15:54

Over the course of a week, I'd probably yearn to be in each of those positions at various points. We all muddle on through with our own compromises.

Strokethefurrywall · 22/02/2018 16:02

Woman 1 - has a career she loves and a family and is juggling it all like a boss! She has the money to give her child every opportunity and experience and once her child is grown she still has a career that she loves doing 8 hours a day.
Her life is not defined by her "motherhood". Yes she has a lot of stress, but I'd wager that her stress is probably far less damaging than Woman 2's stress (aware that her biological clock is ticking and wants to settle down...).
She can probably delegate some of her stresses as well (if they're work related).

Strokethefurrywall · 22/02/2018 16:02

And I'm closest to Woman 1 already so that's ok!

hidingmystatus · 22/02/2018 16:07

I am woman 1 except I worked full (more than full) time. I don't regret a moment of it and I only wanted one child anyway. I don't feel any guilt or upset and my DC is pretty chilled about it all.

Original poster
sundowners · 22/02/2018 16:07

So many interesting, insightful responses! Blown away. Mnay of you should be (or perhaps are!) life coaches. Will respond individually when more time.

Bit more to elaborate (although seems a lot of us all "know" these 3 women in different shapes/forms) ...
Woman 1- is in law. She had to really fight to get her 4 day week as it is but so often is still on calls/logging on at home. But always dreamt of at least 2 kids. If she has another child now- that's probably her career over (if she wants full mat leave more time off etc). Should she sacrifice all she has worked for and built up or the other child she wanted? Feels pressure of this looming decision.

Woman 2- her lifestyle is amazing- so many (free) holidays and trips, her name associated with amazing features everywhere. But she has always longed for a life partner/marriage and children. The pressure of this as she gets older is driving her insane. One new happy baby announcement among friends after another...Her partying (work related) and mad lifestyle turn men off as they are not overly impressed by glamour as women are and also feel they cant compete. She is also so often way she cant put the time in to develop a relationship/focus on dating. What to do?

Woman 3- her guilt/regret us mainly her own doing. Her parents paid for her to go private school/great uni. She worked hard. But they never make her feel guilty- these feelings are her own in comparison to some of her friends more impressive careers, but yes the majority these friends are still single/child -free (but would love to settle/kids). She really needs to stop giving a f&8ck and comparing herself to others/enjoy what she has. Her Dh has said if he gets promotion he'd pay for her to re-train/maybe start business in future. Shes also considering a 3rd child.

OP posts:
JimboDoesTheLimboInHawaii · 22/02/2018 16:09

Which one of them I would want to be would depend on what the husbands of no 1 and no 3 were like Grin

Joking aside, I would prefer to be the most optimistic/cheerful one. All of the women have wonderful things on their lives, but seem preoccupied with what they haven't got. Daft. Also, a pp commented that one woman "has it all to play for" - but the truth is, they all do. It ain't over til it's over.

JimboDoesTheLimboInHawaii · 22/02/2018 16:09

X-post - will go back and read the update

JimboDoesTheLimboInHawaii · 22/02/2018 16:13

Read the update - I stand by what I said. Except maybe to add the good old MN stalwart advice that maybe they should all get a bit of counseling to help them figure out what they really want (if they already have it?) and how to do about getting it. It changed my life completely, anyway.

Newtothis2017 · 22/02/2018 16:14

I would hate to be no2. No interest in celebs. I would want to be no3. Which one are you op?

Original poster
sundowners · 22/02/2018 16:14

Jimbo thank you. Can I ask what "kind" of counselling you had- as in life coaching or psychologist?

OP posts:
therotatingstripes · 22/02/2018 16:15

I am 3 but wish I could be 2

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 16:17

How do you know all the ins and outs of how these women feel? People are rarely that honest with others.

Are you writing a book?

WhyteKnyght · 22/02/2018 16:17

I'd never choose to be woman 2. Marriage and family far too important to me, and I'm not interested in "celebs".

If woman 1 really enjoys her legal job and has a good marriage then I could imagine being woman 1, but your update says she'll have to choose between her career and her 2nd child. That rules out that choice for me too, unless in reality she can find another role like in-house lawyer and have her 2nd child after all.

So I guess I'd choose to be woman 3, but only if my DH was a) genuinely amazing and b) had a rock-solid income. And I wouldn't sit around working in a dead end job I didn't like for those 3 days (if that's what woman 3 does?). I'd be looking for a job I really enjoyed, or doing a part-time masters degree or something.

OutyMcOutface · 22/02/2018 16:19

Three definitely-it's a no brained for me. I wouldn't feel embarrassed about having a mediocre job though-I don't have anything to prove in that respect.

OldPony · 22/02/2018 16:20

I'm closest to 1 and very happy indeed.

seafoodeatit · 22/02/2018 16:20

From those number 3, I wouldn't be happy as one or two.

danigrace · 22/02/2018 16:20

Having been lucky enough to have a taste of all I'd personally definitely choose number 3. And lady number 3 should DEFINITELY not feel guilty or focus on "regrets", the high-powered / glitzy stuff ain't all it's cracked up to be!! Give me the chilled slipper time and quality guilt-free family time any day.

OutyMcOutface · 22/02/2018 16:20

I would also be ok with being woman 1 as well but would imagine that I would be unhappy. Wouldn't want to be 2 though-not at that age.

TuftedLadyGrotto · 22/02/2018 16:21

I'm number 3, except Dh is an average earner and a lot of mine is down to mh issues which aways prevent me from progressing.

I hate it. I'd give anything to be number 1 or 2.

Stillwishihadabs · 22/02/2018 16:22

I have been 3 and 1 at various times ( now probably more 1, but dcs are 14&11 ). I would love to have had a shot at being 2, but looking forward to that when they fly the nest....Smile

Original poster
sundowners · 22/02/2018 16:23

"kaytee87" I am 1 of these women remember. The other 2 are close to me and we regularly get together (over Wine ) and chat...think its pretty standard to know your friends basic thoughts/dreams/regrets! Definitely NOT writing a book, no time on my hands and check my shocking spelling/grammar throughout Smile

OP posts: