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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who you feel is in best position/you'd want to be?

276 replies

sundowners · 22/02/2018 14:18

Humour me. Its me and 2 friends. Not saying which I am.

Woman 1-
Works in successful, high powered city job. In a good marriage but often barely sees husband during week. 4 day week but work often spills over. Has 1 lovely child but stress of combining work/family has put her off having more/feels she has left it possibly too late as 40s anyway. But studied hard at Uni and carefully paved out her career ladder to get where she is and friends are envious of her career- has money, success and child but a lot of stress.

Woman 2- Late 30s, single with amazing media job/hangs out with celebs in glam places. Lots of travel/events/inflexible working hours so couldn’t continue current job is had a child. Lives in lovely flat by herself- loves the freedom of this. Loves her lifestyle but also always longed to settle down/have a family. Goes on dates but they never lead anywhere- feels pressure of clock ticking as most friends are or have married/had kids by now.

Woman 3- went to good uni and was ambitious but lots of short term job contracts in 20s/being made redundant meant she re-started at bottom of ladder. Then met her husband (successful/high earner) and has 2 lovely kids. Is in a middle of the road role but on 3 day week. Still feels resentment/shame/regret at working in mediocre role and frustrated at self for not establishing a better career prior to family to reflect her good education. But loves the flexibility of 3 day week/4 days at home with kids. Has no work or pressure to take home so can switch off.

OP posts:
kinkajoukid · 22/02/2018 15:03

3 but would look to do something more interesting with the 3 work days, or start small business/ self employment maybe if money allowed. Wouldn't feel bad about it though. You cannot have it all. Never too late to re-train for many careers so it isn't all over just yet, and much better than being faced with being too old to have kids. Also if you don't hate your job and have enough money that is actually quite a good position to be in!!

Or 1 but cut down to 3 days to become woman 3!

thecatsthecats · 22/02/2018 15:04

I'm aiming to be a combination of 1&3. I have hit a career peak unexpectedly early. I'm a company director on a great salary. The work is flexible, so I should be able to drop just 2 hours and vary my work patterns to take an afternoon off a week. The uncontrollable part of the equation is my fiance, who works long hours and would find it more difficult to fit into a similar pattern.

londonista · 22/02/2018 15:04

I think Woman 3 would have the fewest regrets later in life.

Haint · 22/02/2018 15:04

any of that beats working full time in a shit, low paying job that is nonetheless stressful and consuming (as i believe almost all jobs actually are, irrespective of pay & status) which leaves precious little time for family and doesn't pay enough to buy in help in the form of cleaners / dog walkers / gardeners

there an awful lot of people in this situation and all 3 women are fortunate in one way or another

RavenclawRealist · 22/02/2018 15:05

What's to gain by comparing yourself to your friends like this? I don't get the point to be honest everyone has taken different paths and ended up in different places! None of you would be happy if you switched places either so it's a pointless expercise! If you're not happy look at what you don't like in your life and try and change it or I'm guessing you are women 3?? Realise there is no perfect life and just enjoy the one you have!

MissWilmottsGhost · 22/02/2018 15:06

I choose 3, but without the regrets, thanks.

RafikiIsTheBest · 22/02/2018 15:08

I would hate not seeing much of DP and I want kids, so the first two are out. I'm not driven and purely work for the money so as long as we had an adequate income DP and I would be happy with me being no.3 and having time to run the house and spend quality time together and with the kids with as little stress as possible. Ideally DP would also like to be no.3 and also only work part time but his earning potential is greater than mine.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 22/02/2018 15:08

Probably 1

ohnoitsmypig · 22/02/2018 15:09

I don’t think the position matters so much as how you deal with your life. If you’re happy, you can be happy in any circumstances. If you spend your life thinking ‘what if’ you’ll never be happy.

Think about what you want, what fulfills you, and aim for that.

For me, a career making money for other people just sounds totally pointless. I’m not sure why we attach so much weight to it, like its so fulfilling and important. I’ve done the glam party celeb thing and they’re mostly just dull, nothing happens at those parties that doesn’t happen at any other party. But I also couldn’t live just for my kids. For me, a job that helps others, enough money to live off and have some nice things and as little stress as possible is the key to happiness. Obviously others have a different formula.

But the most important is not comparing to others and wishing you had what they have. If you want it, go and get it, no one’s going to hand it to you.

Luxembourgmama · 22/02/2018 15:10

I am pretty much woman 3 so I'd quite like to be woman 1.

dreamingalwaysdreaming · 22/02/2018 15:11

can't we be all 3 :) The least envious is clearly 2, because the fundamental regret of not having a child if you want one, is the worst.

1 and 3 are fixable situations - you can lean in, step up, etc when you want to and you can cut your hours or downgrade your job to have less stress.

You can't fix not having DC if you wanted them. Having 1 is much better than having none.

littlemisscomper · 22/02/2018 15:13

Woman 3. I'm not at all career driven though, I would love to be her but doing childminding or nannying on days off for pocket money and enrichment. Better yet I'd want to be her but foster children - I think that would be very fulfilling and it sounds like there'd be a lovely home and family environment for them.

I wouldn't be either of the other women if you payed me a billion pounds.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2018 15:13

I'm 2 and a half. And very happy with that!

Blaablaablaa · 22/02/2018 15:15

I don't think you have to either 1 or 3...I'd consider myself to be between the two. I work full time in what can be a stressful job but the stress isn't constant and can be planned for. Despite working full time I have a lot of autonomy so can work from home, do nursery drop offs/pick ups, take time off when child is ill etc.
My career is an important part of my identity so I was determined not to let having a child impact too much on that.

Vandree · 22/02/2018 15:15

I have been them all to some extent but now I am no 3 without the shame/guilt/remorse. I have found the balance that suits me and our family. I didnt enjoy my previous career and am university educated but to me an education is never wasted. I get to work from home part time with the option to work more hours out of the home in the family business. I feel its the best of all worlds for us now. I am only 37 and feel like I still have my life ahead of me. Would love another baby and maybe to do another degree or masters. I don't think I will ever fully be back in an office 40 hours a week unless it was for something for myself who knows.

OP if you are feeling flat now about your position remember nothing is static, it might be your position now but things move and change. What is the now doesn't necessarily mean that is the future. Last year I was number 3 with the remorse, 5 years ago I was no 1, 10 years ago I was no 2. Who knows what next year will bring :)

Jaimx86 · 22/02/2018 15:17

I'm heading towards being number one in my own life (no child just yet), and think number 2 sounds so much better, but would dearly miss DH. None sound ideal.

Monkeybunkey · 22/02/2018 15:17

I'm pretty much woman 2 but without the ticking clock. I don't feel I'm missing out!

blueshoes · 22/02/2018 15:18

Woman 3 sounds good in principle but I would be bored and frustrated with too much time on my hands.

I would not like to be Woman 2. Would feel empty and life is passing me by.

I have elements of Woman 1 but with more children and working ft but from home a lot.

sobeyondthehills · 22/02/2018 15:19

That sounds like myself and my 2 sisters. The issue is, we each have fought a massive battle to get to where we are, does the grass look greener, yep, but I wouldn't want to switch with either of them and give up what I have

TotHappy · 22/02/2018 15:21

They all sound pretty lucky! This'd be mine:
Woman 1: Loves her job but works in NHS so stressed all the time and hanging on grimly while knowing she's failing patients. Not a great salary. Husband no kids, doesn't know if she wants any or not.
Woman 2: Works in NHS, thinks her job is ok, not a great salary. Some stress but most of it due to being fucked around by employer. Single, no kids, desperate to find someone lovely and settle down but keeps getting in nightmarish relationship messes.
Woman 3: Husband, one daughter, quit a job she didn't enjoy that paid decent but not great wage and was stressful to stay at home with daughter, money very tight so has taken minimum wage job part time, juggles this round her daughter with difficulty, feels like she's a bad parent and bad employee and would like to quit the job.

Heliophilous · 22/02/2018 15:22

I am sort of woman 3. Except I am not ambitious and not in a mediocre role but quite an interesting one with highly flexible term time only school hours only arrangement. I feel no resentment, shame or regret as I like my job, it pays well for the hours and fits in with my life.

I was previously woman 2 and would not want to go back to it, though it was fun at the time.

I have never been woman 1 and never wanted to be.

MrsPreston11 · 22/02/2018 15:35

3 - closest to my life and there's very little I'd change about it.

Though no shame or regret as I'm incredibly happily married with (in my eyes) pretty perfect children.

Sure, would be nice if our house had another bedroom, or if we could have a car each, but the fact we eat dinner as a family at 6pm every night, can go to every school event (self employed) stay home on school holidays or if a child is sick. Those are things I'll never regret.

mintich · 22/02/2018 15:37

3

amymel2016 · 22/02/2018 15:39

I'd prefer to be 3 but am quite envious of 2

SheepySheepy · 22/02/2018 15:43

Am 3 be before I've even got to the kids, seeing that is like a glimpse of the future.

Would love to be 1. Time for a change.