Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

I don't think the comment about more time for himself is the shock-horror that people are making out.

What does he do at the moment? He's commuting from Yorkshire to London twice a week, running a business... what does he do when he gets back home? Does he have any friends or hobbies in Yorkshire? It sounds like when he gets back to Yorkshire after his work days then all he does is stay with you and the baby because he doesn't know anyone or have anything to do.

It isn't unreasonable for him to want more time to himself in those circumstances and wanting to be closer to his friends and hobbies is understandable to me.

At this stage in your family life, family support is much more important than leisure time with friends.

He sounds like he doesn't want to have a baby and family. He wants to be single. He hasn't made the adjustment to fatherhood at all. Spending less time with you is going to make that worse not better.

With a 6mo you're at a particularly difficult stage, in terms of adjustment, sleep, everything feeling a bit much.

For him, he needs to recognise that it won't always be this hard but also that if he doesn't bond with his baby now, it may be harder later.

For you, now and through the pre-school years are when you really need people close around you. When having a helpful family makes most difference.

Honestly though, the golf and friends thing makes him sound like a really selfish, immature person who might well leave you. Being close to family when that happens, not stranded and isolated, will make a huge difference to you.

araiwa

“I can see why op doesnt want to move as she is really is having her cake paid for and eating it too.

Dh is doing all the legwork whilst op hangs around with friend and family.”

Oh so maternity leave is “hanging around with friends and family” now, is it?!

You’re implying that the OP is being lazy at living at the expense of her husband. Er no she is LOOKING AFTER THEIR 6 MONTH OLD BABY.

God forbid she should have support and company from her family and friends while doing it

FFS.

The contempt of some people on here for women who are looking after babies and young children instead of doing paid work is shameful.

If the man was on parental leave or a SAHD while the woman was doing paid work you’d probably go on about what a great father he was and how lucky his wife is that he is supporting her career by doing the childcare

Don't move house. You will end up stranded miles from everyone you know, with a man who treats you with less and less respect as time goes by. He has told you that he wants you isolated at home, providing domestic comforts for him, while he enjoys a life that doesn't involve you except in a servant capacity.

As PP have said, do some legal research. It may well be that you end up separating (then he can play as much golf as he wants) but you will need to be sure of maintenance etc.

There is nothing for you in moving to a place with no support, your husband clearly said he won't be there for you if you move to accommodate him.
Furthermore, you are doing something perfectly valid and as valuable as him which is taking care of your baby.

No bloody way. If he’d said he missed you and dd and wanted to spend more time together then yes. To play golf and see mates, no way. I agree that your relationship is on the outs, but I think you could end up so isolated if you take the steps to preserve it. Stay where your support is, think about what you want in the future for you and dd.

Where does his family live, OP? If everyone here is so determined to be dismissive of friends as an emotional/psychological support network perhaps that needs to be considered as well.

But, if he is reasonable and recognises and wants what's best for you too - you're 'do I even get a say' comment does suggest otherwise - then how about discussing the idea that he stays in London for all or part of one weekend in four, or every two months? Then, as and when you want to, you get time out to spend with your friends too, while he looks after the dc?

YANBU. And this is the reason why it's a risk marrying and having children with someone who doesn't live close to where you live. Doesn't have to be next door, but at least within an hour's drive.

I have known a number of couples who have lived far apart (they met on holiday, or whilst working abroad or in London or something like that,) and in 3 out of 4 cases, the relationship has barely got past the 1st or 2nd hurdle. It's just too hard, because both people want to live near where they grew up (and their family.) Only where one person in the couple is not close to their family, does the relationship work.

I may sound like a negative cynic, and some will disagree and regale me of their stories of how their relationship worked, and they have been married for 20 years, even though they are British, and their husband is from Australia, but IMO, it's difficult to maintain a relationship long-term if you are from completely different places, particularly if it's different countries.

I literally have no advice sorry OP. Maybe someone who has been through the same can advise you better. But no way in hell would I be moving down south. I live on the cusp of the Peak district, and it's the most lush and beautiful place, and the people are amazing. No way would I be moving south.

My family is here, and my friends, (old and new,) and my whole life is here. Even my adult children moved away for 4-5 years (3 of the years at uni,) and they eventually came back, and settled with someone just 20-30 miles away.

Wild horses would not make me leave. I have travelled a lot (to 20-odd countries,) and have no need to move anywhere else. Everything I have is here.

I actually asked him if that meant moving so he could spend less time with me and he said yes.

Sorry, what? Why does he want to spend less time with you? Is he able to articulate that?

Normally he would want you to move in order to spend more time with you and his child due to saving all that travel time. If that was what he was asking it would be very reasonable for you to move and concentrate on your nuclear family.

However he is asking you to move away from your friends so that he can see you both less and he can see his friends more.

It just doesn't make sense.

Why does he even want you to move if he doesn't want to see you or DD?

Surely what he wants is more time in London for himself, it's largely irrelevant to him where you and DD are, as your explaining it.

Why the fuck is everyone going on about op having the best life not working while he does the leg work blah blah blah. She's looking after their baby!! Just because she's in her home city doesn't mean it isn't bloody hard work! Her husband is away 3 days a week. Fucking hell I've just time warped to the 1950's.

He wants to live a single life, with his wife and baby at home on the side. He wants her nearer simply so he doesn't have to travel - but doesn't actually want to see her.

I wouldn't go anywhere op. Fuck that for a joke.

“friends as an emotional/psychological support network”

Unfortunately for most men, their male friends (especially the single ones) are not a particularly great emotional/psychological support network.

My DH has wonderful friends but he gets the vast majority of his emotional support from me.

I get most of mine from my sister and female friends. Go figure!

Do either of you want to be married and be together ?
It sounds as if you just see him as a meal ticket to fund your chosen lifestyle.
Maybe he senses that too and has had enough.

What does he do at the moment? He's commuting from Yorkshire to London twice a week, running a business... what does he do when he gets back home? Does he have any friends or hobbies in Yorkshire? It sounds like when he gets back to Yorkshire after his work days then all he does is stay with you and the baby because he doesn't know anyone or have anything to do.

He probably gets more free time than most other adults who have a 6 month old baby. It's not like on those 3 days in London he will be working 24hrs.

OP, where do all these friends of his actually live? Are they all in a particular commuter town and this is where he wants you to move to?

He may find the daily commute in and out of London more restrictive than the weekly one up to Yorkshire? Or does he intend to stay in the London flat a few nights per week while you're stuck with the baby so where like Guildford?

What about selling his flat and buying a house in London? South-west London is great for kids, for instance?

It sounds as if he wants to play golf in Saturdays, rather than being up in Yorkshire with you?

What is going on with him really? If he envious of your relationship with your family? Does he feel peripheral? Or is he just selfish?

Why is it so shocking that he wants to see his friends?

That doesn't mean that he wants the single life FFS. At the moment he is working, commuting every week and seeing his family at the weekend, whilst the OP sees her family and friends whenever she wants, that'd piss me off too.

Have to add that your DH does sound like he wants to be single. You have my sympathy OP. It's going to be a rough ride.

“a meal ticket to fund your chosen lifestyle”

Jesus Fucking Christ

Maternity leave is a “lifestyle” now

"Why does he even want you to move if he doesn't want to see you or DD? "

Because then he can still maintain the illusion to his friends and business contacts (and maybe even himself) that he actually IS seeing his family more, just not on this particular evening.

Oh my goodness I never thought I would get such vitriol for being a mum right now. Yes he is now supporting us as my maternity leave money has just finished but the money I made from my own career paid for the house up north. I worked very hard in a good job before I had our daughter and now I work far harder looking after her. Yes I have my family here. I spend a lot of time looking after my 2 grandparents who both have dementia and helping my sister with her three children. I love being able to help here it's something that's very important to me.
For everyone that thinks I'm not sacrificing enough please know that I love my husband and I will leave my home for him if I have to. I'm just worried that not only will I be sad, I will be unable to cope on my own all the time. Him coming home every night expecting his dinner and going out having fun with other people because I'm no longer fun now we have a child scares me so much.

Eight years ago we had a very similar choice to make. I chose to move to be with DH. However, there is one important caveat - my Dh is a family man and wanted to spend more time with us and had been missing the children (and me!).
It has worked out well, despite my DH ending up travelling more than ever. But it has worked out because of the effort I put in to the move, I joined every baby club, every toddler club, the PTA, hobby groups etc etc. It was hard work and I resented it for a while but Ive made some lovely friends who I know I can rely upon and feel very settled.
It can be done - but only for the right reasons ie that both of you want to make your family stronger not so your Dh can spend Saturdays on a golf course.
Very touch choice to make Op.

Unfortunately for most men, their male friends (especially the single ones) are not a particularly great emotional/psychological support network.

What a silly statement. My DP gets a lot of support from his male friends, single and otherwise. I doubt he's that rare a beast in this either.

That is nonsense Ivy because unlike the OP's DH most people are not arseholes, nor do most people have unhealthy codependent child like relationships with their families.

Where adults are actually independent, self sufficient adults an international relationship can thrive, and the idea only relationships with someone from close to where you grew up can work is incredibly backward - most educated people move around for work, it's not essential to marry your cousin and live next door to your mum!

DH and I are from different EU countries and have been married 14 years, together 18. My pil were from different countries to one another and were married over 40 years until MILs death. My own parents come from different UK countries and live nowhere near where either grew up and are still married after 45 years. I know a lot of international couples still together after decades and lots of people divorced from their hometown, secondary school boyfriend.

Oh sorry I forgot, once a man has a wife and a child he cannot see his family or friends, he must dedicate every minute of his existence to his wife and children