Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Both Dh and I have moved for the other over the years. However, we have moved to be together and despite the odd annoying and poor decision, he’s never acted the way your dh is to you now. I agree with the posters, who say stay put. If he wants more free time to see friends, I would encourage him to do as others have suggested, spend every 4th weekend down there, add in an extra day or some such.

I’ve been knocking around on mumsnet for a while now. And I’ve seen women, who are forced into continuing to live close to their ex because the ex won’t let them move away/back home. I don’t mean moving countries. I mean moving counties.

I understand you love your dh. But what he is proposing here isn’t right and is very selfish. There’s a long long time before your baby reaches 18. Be careful not to strand yourself away from your parents for the next 17.5 years.

[timeisnotaline]

While I could understand my dh looking for more of a compromise in your current set up, if his idea of this was to say we are going to move away from your support and family and I’m going to fuck off and do my own thing, I’d assume he was saying our marriage is over and recommend he just do the fuck off part. What else could he possibly be saying? It’s certainly not ‘i appreciate how hard it wil be for you isolated from your networks 7 days a week’ , or I love you or I value time with our child.

[MichaelBendfaster]

Emma, 'most' is a huge generalisation. You can't meaningfully say what 'most' men are like.

OP, I really want to know how the conversation actually went. You asked explicitly if he wanted to move so he could spend less time with you and he said yes? He wasn't being sarky, or provocative? What did you say to that? Did you ask him why he wants to spend less time with you?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

The thing is that most single men who go out in a group at the weekend are looking for or open to meeting someone. Your husband wants to be out there with them. This isn't about him wanting to play golf with them, it's about him wanting to lead a single life.

There's no point in you moving south. You won't see any more of him. He wants to move south so that he can go out with his mates, not in order to see you more.

It looks like you want incompatible lives, OP. It also looks as though he's not committed to a family life.

[blackteasplease]

Absolutely by no means should you move away from your support network.

The fact he has given selfish reasons just adds to this and shows he wouldn't be willing to support you.

[holasoydora]

I personally wouldn't move for those reasons. I would prefer my DH to spend more time in the flat he owns than move away from my support network. I have moved with young kids and was terribly isolated and lonely at first though I wouldn't move now. My husband underestimated how hard it would be for me because he doesn't need that kind of support.

Also, 'commuter town near London' sounds a bit unappealing to me compare with East Yorkshire! Sorry to anyone who lives there!

[holasoydora]

Lives in one I mean!

[Dozer]

Sounds like the relationship is in trouble - best plan to WoH when your mat leave ends.

[Dozer]

I do think the “away all week” set up is difficult for relationships and DC. DH and I had experience of this as DC and ruled it out, I would prefer to live elsewhere but live in the London conmuterbelt! He works long hours but does his fair share of parenting/domestics. It’s not my ideal but works.

[BabyOrSanta]

If OP moves South, she'll have to make new friends etc.
Has DH tried making friends up North? Or does he just sit at home, not trying to make friends?
Why should OP have to try and make a support network from scratch and not DH?
If he doesn't want to hang around with OP's family he could join a gym, join the local golf club, go to the pub (after a few pints everyone generally talks to everyone). He could take up a new hobby, take the baby to baby groups etc when he's home.
If he hasn't got the support network there, has he tried?

Plus
All of the people saying go down south and give it a year, DH hasn't even given it at year has he? It seems like he's only given it 7 months in which OP has had to manage with the baby, with a support network.

I don't think he's given it long enough and I don't think he's tried hard enough to "fit in" up North.

[DarthNigel]

So he's effectively wanting you to move away from your friends, family and support network and the place you are happy, so that he can spend more time socialising with his friends at weekends?
Erm, no.

[Viviennemary]

I see this from a completely different viewpoint. It seems as if it's the OP who is not committed to the relationship as she wants to maintain her family life in Yorkshire with her own family. Her DH is her family now. Yorkshire might be great to people from there but it isn't for everyone. I agree with people who are saying the whole relationship sounds as if it's heading for the rocks.

[Soubriquet]

No don't move!!

He doesn't want to give up his single life. Your mental health and support will be more important when he probably ends up filing for divorce

[Whenyouseeit]

Friends of mine recently went through this although the reason for the move was that work away partner missed baby.

The partner who wanted the move - away from other partners family & friends - considered what their partner needed. How could work fit round family life so bedtime etc could be shared. What social activities would moving partner enjoy & make new friends at. Since the move they've had lots of family time & thrown themselves in to building local networks.

Thats a relationship worth moving for.

This is all about his wants. Parenting with no family network is hard. And thats even though I have amazing friends and a partner who takes equal responsibility for our dc.

I think the risk to you of being isolated in a commuter town where you know noone and your partner thinks he earns the money so he deserves to enjoy himself outside work is huge.

Unless he starts talking about how to make it work for you, I would just refuse.

[1ndig0]

Did he actually state the words, "I want you to move so I can do spend less time with you and play more golf." That would be an odd thing to say. It's hardly likely to be persuasive is it?

Also, if you've only been in your Yorkshire house 6 months, presumably you've just paid, stamp duty, moving costs, decorating etc. Now you'll have all these costs again.

Is he clear that he can afford a decent house for you all in this "commuter town?" The same sized house could end up costing you double.

[WinnieFosterTether]

Don't move. Simply because he is telling you what your new life will be like:

1. You will see your DH less
   
2. Your DH will be prioritising his work and his friends and his hobbies
   
3. You will have no support
   
4. Your DH will see your DD less
   There are no positives for you in this move. There are no positives for your DD in this move.
   To be blunt, your DH is seeing how much shit you will accept from a man who is telling you he is disengaging from you and your DD, isolating you from friends and family but . . . will pay your bills. As you proved before you had DD, you can pay your own bills. A marriage is about partnership. He isn't even pretending there are any positives for you in this.
   Someone who is at the stage of being this honest about what they are offering/not offering has a serious lack of respect for you.
   Suggest joint counselling to try to thrash out a compromise. There are many eg he spends alternate weekends with his friends; you go back to work earlier than planned so he doesn't feel pressured to bring in as much income; a satellite office in the area where you live in the North.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'd say no, don't do it.
THere is literally no benefit to you to move - all the benefit is to him.
And if he's going to leave you on your own more to pursue his own hobbies and friendships, then what the hell are you going to be doing - well, looking after baby on your own, obviously! With no support.

NO benefit to you at all.

If you think your marriage can take it, I would actually suggest he spends every other weekend in London, doing his thing, with his mates. That way he gets his wants met, but you don't have to lose all your benefits of living where you love.
Since he actively wants to spend less time with you, this will probably appeal to him - might not to you, but at least you get to stay with friends and family!

And in all honesty, he doesn't sound very committed to your marriage - who on earth admits to their wife and the mother of their child that they want to spend less time with them?! That's so wrong. So I think that even if you do move "for him" he's still going to end up leaving you in the lurch, in a place you don't know, with no support.

Stay where you are. Offer him more time in London to pursue his interests, but don't move.

[mimibunz]

Oh dear I’m sorry OP but he sounds like a Peter Pan! Still not ready to settle down despite being married and with a child. What is best for your DD?

[Dozer]

The new baby is a huge and very recent change: wonder if part of this is him not adapting well / stepping up to fatherhood.

If I were OP I wouldn’t move: if you later break up your H might well seek to prevent you and DC moving back up north.

[OhBigHairyBollocks]

Don't move.

He is throwing up enormous red flags. Start gathering finances together and get your ducks in a row

[BackforGood]

Hont1986 - That still leaves all evening without any commitments - go out for something to eat, for a drink , watch a film, stay in and get a take away , stay in and cook , sit and play X-box, go to a gym, whatever. Plenty of hours each evening to choose how he spends it, which can include getting together with mates if that is what he is yearning.

[blackteasplease]

I also think he can achieve his goal by just spending an extra day in London himself. Why would you need to be there too if he doesn't want to spend time with you?

But better still he could make an effort to make friends where you are!

[Dozer]

London commuter belt living is no picnic IME - plenty of fathers just aren’t around Monday to Friday.

[LillianGish]

If your DH's business is in London I think it is unreasonable to think you could live in East Yorkshire in the first place to be honest. Most people try to live near where they work so they can live together as a family and make their life where they live. It strikes me that you have chosen to live near your parents and grandparents rather than with your husband. That is your choice to make, but I don't think you can then accuse your DH is being unreasonable in wanting to live together as a family. My DH works for a company which posts people all over the world - we've always gone with him because I take the view that we are a family and I want us all to stay together. We make our life together wherever we go - not always easy at first, but we always make great life and are sorry to leave when it's time to move on. Neither of us has ever had family on the doorstep (except for a short stint in London) we've always created our own support networks and that is perfectly possible. Some families don't do that - partners prefer to stay where they are in familiar surroundings - those are the marriages which don't make it (and there are quite a few that haven't). Your DH isn't asking you move abroad - as Mrsfuzzyboots pointed out right at the start of this thread you could pick somewhere north of London with easy access to the A1/M1. I don't think he's the one trying to break up your marriage - if he wanted to play away he would surely be angling for more time on his own in London not trying to get the OP to join him. Who on here would honestly like to spend all their time off visiting their in-laws which is effectively what you are asking him to do with the current arrangement?

[Beetlejizz]

He wants to spend less time with you and your child, so of course you shouldn't move. It would be different if he felt he eg couldn't manage the commute any more, but that's not what he's said.