Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

[generalleiaorgana]

How's it going OP? Has he agreed to counselling? Really hope you can find a compromise that works for you both xx

[Beetlejizz]

He's telling you who he is, how he feels and what he wants, so believe him.

[KateGrey]

For people saying her DH should be around his friends and could be feeling isolated when he goes back up north but what about OP. She wouldn’t have the best of both worlds. He doesn’t sound overly committed. He’s chosen to expand his business and can’t even say he wants her. Suspect the plan is to move her south, go and do exactly as he wants as “the provider” then leave her. But he’ll have his dd on tap. I wouldn’t go until you feel truly secure in your relationship.

[ReanimatedSGB]

I wouldn't bother with counselling - as a PP said, he may make all kinds of promises but they will be empty. He's determined to have his own way and, to an extent, I detect an active wish to make you suffer on his part. You're not sufficiently in awe of your lord and master, so he wants to engineer a situation where you are absolutely dependent on him (stuck miles from anyone you know, unable to work while you have a small baby, no control over money) so he can do whatever he likes and expect you to suck it up.

[NameChange30]

I’ve read your updates OP, but not all of the responses.

I’m sorry but sadly not surprised at how the discussion went. It did sound as if he had already mentally checked out of the relationship and now he’s suggesting a 2 year break You must be feeling very upset - although you don’t sound very surprised, may you suspected that’s how it would be, which is why your gut was telling you not to move?

By all means try counselling but please prepare yourself mentally and practically for the relationship ending. Even if it’s a trial separation. I suggest you start looking for jobs and childcare options where you are now. And maybe start quietly documenting information about assets just in case (if he runs his own business that does unfortunately make it easier for him to hide information and avoid paying child maintenance )

for you, I bet you’re glad to be near family and friends atm

[LadyinCement]

I was just thinking, my grandparents were thrown together in the War, but came from different ends of the country. After they married my gm moved up north to where gf had a very good job. My gm had my dm, and then walked out and returned to live with her dm. Gf followed but spent his life in a "job" as opposed to following his career. Dg had her family, friends and her home town and that's what she wanted.

I think the moral is to talk about these things before you get married. One of dh's colleagues lost his wife when she upped and returned to her (remote) home village when they had a dc. He was devastated but fought for and obtained joint custody.

[Nanny0gg]

Don't go.

You can have counselling, He can make all the right noises to get his own way. He can promise that you'll go out as a family all the time. That he'll help more at home and with DD.

I give it a month after moving.

Don't go.

[anonirat]

So sorry this happening OP.

Just be very careful about moving south for a trial, as it was mentioned before that if you move then split up, it could be very difficult for you to move north again as he may try to object on access/ custody grounds. I have seen several threads where there has been awful trouble because of this but not sure of the full legals myself.

Perhaps he has thought of this already. And maybe he thinks that if it goes wrong in the future, he could could try to compel you to stay near London so he has easy access to his child - when it suits him of course.

Do get some good legal advice and please do not feel that you must make any more promises to him than he is making to you. Keep your chin up lovey

[WhyOhWine]

I have a friend in a sort of similar position (the DH is my friend). They relocated to be near his wife's family (not somewhere with particularly good transport links) and his job involves him working in London or another city in the UK 3 or 4 days a week, and working at home for 1 or 2 days. His wife has a ready made netowrk there but because he is travelling so much he does not really have any local friends, and his existence seems a bit sad to me. The relationship seems quite uneven to me (particularly now the DC are teens) - she has a very sociable life and he does not. However, he absolutely adores his wife and DC and so is seemingly ok with his lot.

I read the OP feeling a bit sorry for the DH because I was thinking about my friend - i.e. the idea of living somewhere with no local friends, while his wife has all her family and friends around. However, having read the later updates I lost sympathy with the DH!

[rogue8]

Maybe a separation and time apart for both of you to reflect on what you actually want from life/each other would be beneficial.

Hasty words spoken in anger often cloud the issue. Ultimately, do you love each other enough to give the family unit living together under one roof near the sole/primary income earner’s place of work a go? Do you really believe that your DH would spend less time with you & the baby after you move? Seriously, if you can’t trust him, there isn’t a dilemma - don’t move and break up!

You’re not sacrificing a job and your baby is 6 mths old so completely portable without the added stress of schools, etc if older. Give it a year and see how it goes. Your DH clearly is disillusioned with the reality of a weekly commute from Yorkshire to London. I repeat that it is UNCOMMON for people to undertake this (for good reason). The FEW who do, place inevitable toll on their relationships with each other and their children.

Long distance relationships can work out if you’re on the same page. More often than not, they don’t though - separate lives; separate friends; separate interests and growing apart - being together shouldn’t be a chore for either of you.

[LaurieMarlow]

Yes I want him to go to counselling with me when he's here 4 days a week, with the caveat that I will definitely move if we can improve our relationship.

I think that's fair enough, with a clear timeline in place that you can both agree on.

And you'll need to have a proper plan about what happens if you aren't making progress.

[TatianaLarina]

Some of the responses on here are absolutely bonkers

IKR

[YoumeandlittleP]

Some of the responses on here are absolutely bonkers. Staying home and caring for a child isn't the meal ticket that some are describing. In fact, it's pretty shit. Especially if you've moved to somewhere that you have little or no support.

I have been in your situation OP but the difference is that my DH sees what I do in regards to childcare as just as important as what he does. He also knows that I have sacrificed a lot so that he can further his career and the pay off is that we might have to live separately for part of the week in future because I do not want to move closer to his work again because it makes me miserable. He understand this. He also knows that by living separately for part of the week that he gets his evenings to himself and doesn't have to do any baby related tasks. That's about as much of a break as he's entitled to in my eyes because it is not purely my child.

If my DH decided to level being the provider in my face I wouldn't be able to continue being a SAHP. I like my career, I like working, we decided to do it this way for our daughter, which means everything has to be equal otherwise it won't work.

I wouldn't move OP. He sounds like he wants things his way and sees himself as better than you because he goes to work.

[StormTreader]

"What do you want him to do OP? Is it go to counselling but stick with the current living arrangements?"

Well yes, otherwise whats the point? If they go after shes moved, shes not happy, he says to the councillor "well Im happy now, whats the problem" or just changes his mind about going at all and OP is stuck where she doesnt want to be with a husband who has already said he actively plans to see her less.

It sounds to me like he is a party boy who married a party girl, and now theres a baby and OP cant go out drinking all night any more, hes not interested - he just wants to carry on as he was with his other party friends.

[LaurieMarlow]

I’m utterly bored of this. I have said all I can reasonably say.

Well, that's easy then. We'll leave it here.

[FEJ2016]

Yes I want him to go to counselling with me when he's here 4 days a week, with the caveat that I will definitely move if we can improve our relationship. I know it means him carrying on with an arrangement that isn't what he wants for now, but I'm only talking about a couple more months and I believe if he thinks our family is worth it and he really wants us to move to be with him he will try.
If I see him genuinely trying I will move. This isn't me putting off anything. I'm just protecting myself from what I see at the moment as not only heartbreak but my DD and I stuck in a very difficult situation if we can't make it work.

[TatianaLarina]

If you want the crux of my argument, it is this

I don’t. I’m utterly bored of this. I have said all I can reasonably say.

[LaurieMarlow]

What do you want him to do OP? Is it go to counselling but stick with the current living arrangements?

[butterfly56]

Stay put OP.
He sounds totally selfish and like a single man who happens to be married. He doesn't sound like a family man at all.
First he wants a life outside of London.
You pay for the house up north and 6months later he decides he wants more for out of life for him(not you) and more time with his mates.
He has now changed his mind about where he wants to live so he can spend less time with you.
You are now not earning money as you have a baby and he has told you it his way because he's the main earner now!
He's making "his" money and wants to spend it on his life with his mates in London.
From your last post it sounds as though he has already checked out of the relationship.
Thank goodness you have a support network of lovely family to help you through this really tough time.
You are working hard helping family even with a 6month old and all he can think about is himself.
There's nothing in his way of thinking that suggests he thinks his daughter is a priority either except he won't see her which again is all about him.
Stay strong OP. You do not need the stress and hassle from the selfish git!

[FEJ2016]

If it helps to add more clarity. Yes I have told him I would move for him if we can get back on track as a couple first. I have asked him to go to couples counselling with me and I have hopes that will make a difference. I want a happy family and I would move anywhere on Earth for that. But if I'm not being offered that why would I move away from the place that makes me happy and my family who love me? Just to swap his misery for my own. I have point blank asked him to tell me that he wants us to move so we can be together and he said he can't. I would put my daughter's happiness before anything and she needs a happy mum.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

The husband wants his family home to be somewhere near his work so he can have a bit of a social life, only on MN is that abusive and isolating her and whatever other nonsense

MN doesn't like men having an opinion or requesting anything, it doesn't fit with the agenda.

He's now being accused of having on OW despite simply wanting his wife to move back home with their joint child.

He was likely under pressure to give this a try and it's not worked but him but he's expected to remain unhappy because the OP is exactly where she wants to be plus now too far to go back after maternity so effectively making that choice now alone.

How very dare him want it live with his own child closer to work

[GabriellaMontez]

Did he agree to counselling? I hope that you can work something out.

Divorcing was very complicated for me as my x owned his own business. He was able to hide/manipulate assets. His were his. Others were shared. A year later he stopped paying child maintenance. I would have sworn he would never do that. What I'd like to say is consider copying documents/passwords/accounts now while you're still on good terms. Just in case.

[LaurieMarlow]

Tatiana If you want the crux of my argument, it is this.

Fundamentally, I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to change a set up that makes him unhappy, no matter how much that same set up might suit the OP.

And location seems a key part of that. I may have this wrong (and I'm sure you'll correct me if I do) but my understanding is that the OP has not offered to move away from the north. She has said that she would if she thought he felt differently about her. That's fine (and I don't blame her) but I can't see a future for the marriage in the circumstances.

I don't think the OP should move if she doesn't want to. Equally, I don't think her husband should stick with the current set up if its making him unhappy.

[TatianaLarina]

He’s only lived there for 6 months! As an adult you can’t exact to pitch up in a new place and have instant social life. You have to put down roots, make friends, join a local golf club etc.

Others have attested that they relocated and worked hard to build a new life.

[TatianaLarina]

And as has been pointed out, the DH is not here to present his side of the argument

Oh that old chestnut, the refuge of posters when OP’s words don’t suit their agenda. OP has presented DH’s side of the argument. His argument is that he needs to spend more time with his mates etc. If you think OP is inventing that then there’s no point posting at all.

On the plus side I spose one should be grateful that you have finally grasped that the problem is not that the OP is not wedded to the north and won’t compromise.