Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

It's a difficult one. I would want to be as far away from London as possible cause the idea of living in it, or in a commuter town near it, would fill me with dread! But equally, he's doing all the work, he's bringing in the money, raising his business, and doing all that plus a weekly trip from London to Yorkshire sounds horrendous. I can see why he would want to see more of his friends and such...we all want to see our friends and undertake hobbies. But then if you move south, you'll be away from those things. It's hard.

Random have you actually read the OP's posts or are you just posting random shit?

Michael

My statement is not “silly” just because it’s not true for your DH

Sure, it’s not true for everyone. That’s why I said most, not all.

He wants the single lifestyle with a clean house, hot meal and warm bed to come back to.

If he said he wanted to spend more time with you and DD it would be a different situation.

My posts are not aimed at the OP, they are aimed at the posters saying how dare he want to see his friends or he wants the single life.

My friend did this they lived in surrey found a house that they bought outright somewhere else he only came home at weekends after a while he was offered a job with a house she didn't want to go but decided to give it ago didn't sell the house they owned, she gave it about 9 mths she had then had enough and went back to her own house and dh was back to staying away and going home at weekends.why don't you give it a go and if it doesn't work out then you can move back at lease you can say you tried

OP he wants to spend less time with you and your baby. He wants to have more 'fun' which does not include being with his family.
Why on earth does that mean you ought to move? He can just come home less often. Goal achieved. Clearly if being with you and baby is an unpleasant inconvenience to him, he can improve his situation by staying in London more often, without you having to change anything at all.

I suspect what he really wants is to have more control over you, by making you more dependent and removing you from your support network.
And that he has been finding his days away in London quite wearing, because, you know, he has been having to take care of his own 'housework' on those days. Nobody has been cooking for him, tidying up behind him, cleaning his toilet for him (I suspect you are still doing the laundry for him though).
You moving to daily commutable distance to his work would mean that he could come home to a 'serviced appartment' every night.

I'm sorry you've had a nasty time from one or two individuals, OP, just ignore them.

Him coming home every night expecting his dinner and going out having fun with other people because I'm no longer fun now we have a child scares me so much.

I think that's the point, really. You're the one who knows this man. I stand by everything I said, that some people (incl, shock! men) have a friends support network instead of a family one, and that living among someone else's family can be stifling, and also if he really wanted "the single life" as so many claim, he'd just be staying down in London more and more, he wouldn't suggest a move at all.

But if your deepdown instinct is that he's going to be a dick about it, you're probably right.

Not saying you have to do this but what about renting out your house in Yorkshire and then renting at home in London suburbs to test drive it for a year? Obviously only do this if he is committed to making the move work for you and DD. Then IF it doesnt work out you can move back? If you rented near Kings Cross mainline stations you could pop up to Yorkshire by train easily enough (except that you'd have all the baby stuff to lug with you which is a PITA).
I dont know - you are a big stuck between a rock and a hard place...I think this would be a no brainer if he was desperate to spend more time as a family, its just that thats not what he seems to be telling you.

I think you have some real marriage issues that have been brought up

I would not move at all - you own a house there, your daughter has support there. He needs to grow up and embrace family like

If he doesnt want to let him go to London

My DH works some of the week in London too. This year we decided to move out of the city (because the rent was crippling us).

We decided on a lovely seaside town on the south coast just 50 mins by train from central London, in the opposite direction to all of our family! My dad lives in a small town in the Fens, it's very isolated and small minded. My sister lives way up in the North West. DH's family are all in E Yorkshire, like you OP.

We faced a bit of pressure from DH's family to go North, but in the end what is best for OUR family (me, 3yo DS, DD due in June) is for Daddy to be home in time for bathtime, and in the morning when they wake up. He couldn't stand the idea of being away from us for half the week, his father did it and he hated it.

So v soon we move to a new place, just the 3 (nearly 4) of us. But with DH around MUCH more. Because extended family are important, yes, but if you asked my DS if he'd rather hang out with his Aunty or Daddy he would choose DH every time.

I must stress that this is just what we've decided works FOR US. Absolutely no judgement on your situation here, but you and DH will have to have some very frank discussions about your family dynamic in the future, I think.

Agree op, this thread is bonkers in terms of how much grief you’re getting for being on maternity leave and looking after your child - as if that counts for nothing

I think on a different part of the site you would have got a different response.

You’re husband is not sounding committed to your relationship. Don’t give up everything you have to follow him back to the south.

OP don't feel you have to explain yourself to people on here. Even aside from being financially solvent yourself, looking after your child IS a legitimate occupation so ignore the utter fuckers who make out you should follow him about like a pathetic twat just because he earns money.

Have you asked him about a further compromise - him getting more time in London for social stuff? Is that not a better first step before you move yet again? I'd be really wary of moving when he's made it clear that he sees his life as being work during the week + mates on weekend. Have you asked him where you and dd feature? Does he honestly think it's ok that you're third on the list?

Of course he deserves social time, of course if the commute is doing his head in then that needs to be discussed. But I don't see why you should move from somewhere you're happy, to be unhappy somewhere where he plans to spend more time away from you.

You'd be certifiable to move for a man who admittedly wants to spend less time with you than more! Stay where you are and let him stay in London one more night a week? Or I'd be tempted to let him stay in London full time and forget him and find someone who actually wants to live the married life with you and your child.

Does he want the equity from the house you bought with your money to go into expanding his business? Or is he happy for you to keep the house as a base in the north for trips/ holidays or rent it out?

I absolutely agree that the context here is important - he wants you to move so that he doesn’t have to come north at the weekends and can spend the majority of them with his mates.

It’s difficult because you both have a right to want to be happy and live life as you choose, and at the moment happiness for one is not happiness for the other.

I think there was a good suggestion of going to London with baby every third or fourth weekend, would that be possible? Would you/he feel that was workable?

So he's basically said to you that he would rather spend his time with other people rather than his family.. I certainly wouldn't be moving for him

He probably gets more free time than most other adults who have a 6 month old baby. It's not like on those 3 days in London he will be working 24hrs.

Well, he might easily be working all of his waking hours if he is only in London a few days a week! It is his own business, most people with their own businesses I know work crazy hours .

Op you don't have to justify yourself or your job as a mum. The majority of us aren't idiots. We understand the value in what you do.

I read the OP, and thought 'neither of you ABU' - I can totally understand him not wanting to do that massive commute each week, and then being isolated and away from your baby for 1/2 the week, but I also know if he is working long hours in London + commute, then you are going to be pretty isolated at home with a small baby, not knowing anyone yet.

Then you said He plans to spend much more time doing 'what he wants' to do. So that would be far less time with me and the baby and more time going to the gym, spending time with his friends who are mostly single, and playing golf and pursuing his hobbies. which puts a whole different light on it.
He is actually saying that he wants to spend less time with you, and yet wants to isolate you from your family and friends in a place you are happy ?
I can see that it is possible he doesn't want to spend his time away from work with your family, but as someone said right near the start of this thread, what you need to do is make friends together in your new home, and give it a proper chance. Or if you agree to move back South, then he needs to understand that part of that agreement means he will need to spend more time at home, as you won't have other ready made company or support in a new town.
The fact he is saying he wants to spend less time with you both, is the worrying part.
I don't understand why he can't see his friends during the 3 days he is in his own flat in London

3 days in London is three days having a single life doing what he wants and no dinner/bedtime routine for him already....!

I think there are two separate issues - (1) his wish not to have to spend so much time travelling and to have his family close by and (2) his wish to spend more time with his friends and pursuing his hobbies. (1) is totally reasonable, (2) could be provided that it is kept within moderate limits. He needs to recognise that the move is only going to work for you if he still spends the majority of his free time at home. Can you agree a compromise whereby he sees his friends/pursues his own interests within defined time limits, e.g. maximum of two evenings a week and half a day at weekends?

What would be the point in you and the baby moving down? He doesn't want to spend the time with you anyway, so it would be irrelevant to him whether you're there or not.

I don't understand why he can't see his friends during the 3 days he is in his own flat in London confused

Because it's the middle of the work week for them and him, and he's fitting a full work week into 3 days so is probably working 8-8 if he's like any of the other business owners I know