Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

[LaurieMarlow]

I've already said that I don't blame her for not wanting to move in the current circumstances. At the same time I understand why the current set up isn't working for her partner. Which is why the relationship doesn't look very promising in the long run.

[LadyinCement]

Oh dear.

I think too many posters have been overly-quick to trash the OP's dh, given that obviously we don't have his side of it. I can't help thinking that no one would say quite baldly that they want to play golf instead of spending time with their wife and child. It strikes me this may have been said in exasperation/in a row.

The trouble is that he has missed the early bonding days with the baby. Some posters have given some excellent insights into what it is like when one partner is absent a lot of the time: in the worst case they just become a spare part.

To be frank I think the situation would take a Solomon to fix because the OP is just fine with her set up and nothing about it suits the dh.

Does anyone remember a Location Location Location with the miserable whiney wife who insisted on moving from London to Harrogate to be near her family and friends and was happy to have her dh installed in a flat above a takeaway during the week? There was a big thread about it on here and everyone thought the dh was hard done by! (Although he did get a shag pad...)

[TatianaLarina]

At the same time I understand why the current set up isn't working for her partner. Which is why the relationship doesn't look very promising in the long run.

It’s not the setup that’s the problem - that could be got around, either by the OP moving or spending more time in London. The problem is that DH is not that into her and basically wants out.

If the DH loved the OP and wanted to spend more time with her, then she has said she would move to make it work.

The sole reason it doesn’t look promising is because DH clearly does not feel about the OP the way she does him, doesn’t want to spend time with her and wants to focus on other things. To the point of saying he wants to separate.

[TatianaLarina]

Anyway, I’m off out. I’m so so sorry OP - good luck. x

[FancyNewBeesly]

Just read your last update - so his potential solution is to separate, leave you with the responsibility of your child while he can dick around like a carefree single man for a couple of years and decide what he wants?

I’d tell him to get fucked. Honestly. What an oxygen thief. Maybe he should have thought about this before he had a child with you? But hey, you’re the one who has to bear the responsibility of course so why bother worrying about it?

I’m angry for you.

[LaurieMarlow]

The sole reason it doesn’t look promising is because DH clearly does not feel about the OP the way she does him, doesn’t want to spend time with her and wants to focus on other things.

I don't think we know enough to say this. And even if this is true, I think we should consider whether this is a recent development or whether the family's set up was a significant contributor to this situation unfolding.

I agree with Lady that the OP is just fine with her set up and nothing about it suits the dh.

We're told that it was the DH's idea to move to the North, yet clearly the underlying motivator was the OP's desire to move back to her home and family. On the face of it, the DH's lifestyle is pretty unsatisfactory. Long commute, away from his wife/child, no proper base, not getting to see his friends, fitting in with OPs friends and family. The OP would have to be pretty oblivious to her partners' feelings to see that all that would be hard.

It's tricky to untangle it all now. The relationship doesn't seem particularly strong from what the OP tells us, but it's impossible to tell the degree to which the family set up has impacted that.

[TatianaLarina]

I don't think we know enough to say this. And even if this is true, I think we should consider whether this is a recent development or whether the family's set up was a significant contributor to this situation unfolding

This is what the OP said herself. She has stated that if he felt the same way about her as she does about him then she would move. That if he wanted to move to spend more time with her it would be different. She has posted his reasons for moving - which were that he wanted to spend less time with her and more on mates, hobbies and business.

It’s not that she is attached to the north but because he’s just not that into her, and the relationship isn’t strong enough, a move is not sensible when the marriage may not survive.

[C8H10N4O2]

I'm surprised at the number of posters who think simply having a traveling partner is impossible or really difficult for a relationship.

Its a really common situation and traveling/shiftworking partners can be easier to work around that long hour commuters (which would be anyone commuting into London from a non central location).

Far too much emphasis is being placed on the 'difficulty' of the traveling. I have far more time at home if I'm on site 3 days, home for 4 than if I'm spending hours each day commuting to do a long site day five days a week.

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

Did most people not read that OP suggested that she goes down to the London flat every other week so that he doesn't have to travel and can see OP and his DD during that week.And he rejected that.

[Dipitydoda]

If he wanted you to move so he could come home every night to spend time with his wife and family fair enough but basically he wants you to move so he doesn’t need to spend time travelling so can go to the gym etc. Can he work away in the week then come home at weekends? I suspect if you moved down south you would be lonely and possibly soon divorced. He is a family man now not a single young professional

[LaurieMarlow]

This is what the OP said herself. She has stated that if he felt the same way about her as she does about him then she would move. That if he wanted to move to spend more time with her it would be different. She has posted his reasons for moving - which were that he wanted to spend less time with her and more on mates, hobbies and business.

And as has been pointed out, the DH is not here to present his side of the argument.

Fundamentally, I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to change a set up that makes him unhappy, no matter how much that same set up might suit the OP.

If the relationship was strong, then if I were the OP I'd have to seriously consider moving the family home (as this is the crux of what he says he wants). Because while the OP has offered compromises so far, I understand why none of them go far enough for her husband.

However, given that the relationship seems shaky, then I wouldn't bother and I'd stay put. And I suspect that's the death knell for the marriage.

[LadyinCement]

A major fly in the ointment is that it's not a joint life at the weekends. Many people do indeed work away in the week and then return to the more distant family home in the country/more family friendly area.

But this dh is coming back to a set-up where he is an outsider. The OP says she is visiting parents/grandparents/dsis... It may well have been the dh's idea (but how much pressure was he put under?) but the reality is that he travels back and forth to see his wife and baby and then is stuck somewhere with no mates, no history, and not much wife and baby either as they are happy in the bosom of her family.

Frankly if I were OP I wouldn't want to move either. And if I were the dh I'd be fed up to the back teeth too.

[Angrybird123]

Actually lady the OP specifically said she doesn't see her family when DH is there..he is not spending all his time with his in-laws and neither is she when he is there. She has also said she has encouraged him to develop a life there ..golf / pub etc but that he has not done so.

[MichaelBendfaster]

he said some nasty things and even at one point suggested we separate for a couple of years so he could focus on himself and his business 100%

He's telling you quite clearly that his business is more important than you and his family.

I'm not removing myself from the support I have around me for him to leave me in another 6 months.
Quite fucking right.

[LaurieMarlow]

Did most people not read that OP suggested that she goes down to the London flat every other week so that he doesn't have to travel and can see OP and his DD during that week.And he rejected that.

Actually I don't think living in two locations is particularly satisfactory either tbh. And it's unsustainable in the long run with schools for DD.

It's certainly a possibility that the husband is just rejecting everything to put a kibosh on the marriage. But as I don't know much about what's really going on in his mind I couldn't say for sure.

But on the other hand, I don't think it's that unreasonable of him to want to live, with his family, close to his work.

[LadyinCement]

I agree that whoever's right and whoever's wrong, the OP should stay put. I would have given my eye teeth for even the teeniest bit of family support, so in the OP's position I would value that most highly.

[LaurieMarlow]

But this dh is coming back to a set-up where he is an outsider. The OP says she is visiting parents/grandparents/dsis... It may well have been the dh's idea (but how much pressure was he put under?) but the reality is that he travels back and forth to see his wife and baby and then is stuck somewhere with no mates, no history, and not much wife and baby either as they are happy in the bosom of her family.

Absolutely this. And I don't think people are taking this on board. I can see why he'd feel like an utter spare part in this set up. In a world which he no proper connection to at all.

She has also said she has encouraged him to develop a life there ..golf / pub etc but that he has not done so.

Many, many people would find it difficult to integrate and find new mates in a small town as an adult. Especially if they're only there half the time.

[TatianaLarina]

And as has been pointed out, the DH is not here to present his side of the argument

Oh that old chestnut, the refuge of posters when OP’s words don’t suit their agenda. OP has presented DH’s side of the argument. His argument is that he needs to spend more time with his mates etc. If you think OP is inventing that then there’s no point posting at all.

On the plus side I spose one should be grateful that you have finally grasped that the problem is not that the OP is not wedded to the north and won’t compromise.

[TatianaLarina]

He’s only lived there for 6 months! As an adult you can’t exact to pitch up in a new place and have instant social life. You have to put down roots, make friends, join a local golf club etc.

Others have attested that they relocated and worked hard to build a new life.

[LaurieMarlow]

Tatiana If you want the crux of my argument, it is this.

Fundamentally, I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to change a set up that makes him unhappy, no matter how much that same set up might suit the OP.

And location seems a key part of that. I may have this wrong (and I'm sure you'll correct me if I do) but my understanding is that the OP has not offered to move away from the north. She has said that she would if she thought he felt differently about her. That's fine (and I don't blame her) but I can't see a future for the marriage in the circumstances.

I don't think the OP should move if she doesn't want to. Equally, I don't think her husband should stick with the current set up if its making him unhappy.

[GabriellaMontez]

Did he agree to counselling? I hope that you can work something out.

Divorcing was very complicated for me as my x owned his own business. He was able to hide/manipulate assets. His were his. Others were shared. A year later he stopped paying child maintenance. I would have sworn he would never do that. What I'd like to say is consider copying documents/passwords/accounts now while you're still on good terms. Just in case.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

The husband wants his family home to be somewhere near his work so he can have a bit of a social life, only on MN is that abusive and isolating her and whatever other nonsense

MN doesn't like men having an opinion or requesting anything, it doesn't fit with the agenda.

He's now being accused of having on OW despite simply wanting his wife to move back home with their joint child.

He was likely under pressure to give this a try and it's not worked but him but he's expected to remain unhappy because the OP is exactly where she wants to be plus now too far to go back after maternity so effectively making that choice now alone.

How very dare him want it live with his own child closer to work

[FEJ2016]

If it helps to add more clarity. Yes I have told him I would move for him if we can get back on track as a couple first. I have asked him to go to couples counselling with me and I have hopes that will make a difference. I want a happy family and I would move anywhere on Earth for that. But if I'm not being offered that why would I move away from the place that makes me happy and my family who love me? Just to swap his misery for my own. I have point blank asked him to tell me that he wants us to move so we can be together and he said he can't. I would put my daughter's happiness before anything and she needs a happy mum.

[butterfly56]

Stay put OP.
He sounds totally selfish and like a single man who happens to be married. He doesn't sound like a family man at all.
First he wants a life outside of London.
You pay for the house up north and 6months later he decides he wants more for out of life for him(not you) and more time with his mates.
He has now changed his mind about where he wants to live so he can spend less time with you.
You are now not earning money as you have a baby and he has told you it his way because he's the main earner now!
He's making "his" money and wants to spend it on his life with his mates in London.
From your last post it sounds as though he has already checked out of the relationship.
Thank goodness you have a support network of lovely family to help you through this really tough time.
You are working hard helping family even with a 6month old and all he can think about is himself.
There's nothing in his way of thinking that suggests he thinks his daughter is a priority either except he won't see her which again is all about him.
Stay strong OP. You do not need the stress and hassle from the selfish git!

[LaurieMarlow]

What do you want him to do OP? Is it go to counselling but stick with the current living arrangements?