Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

[Dozer]

“My DH works for a company which posts people all over the world - we've always gone with him because I take the view that we are a family and I want us all to stay together.”

That’s fair enough, but unless the moves also afford you good work opportunities, or you have extensive financial assets, should the relationship break up your H would retain his earning power, and your economic and financial position would be much weaker. The personal risk is almost all on the “trailling spouse”.

I agree that where to live in the UK is a “different order” of issue.

[Notonthestairs]

Does your Dh have family? Where do they live? How much do you see of them?

[LillianGish]

What you say is true Dozer, my point is more that we always discuss it and decide whether to go (or stay) as a family. We turned down a long-distance posting when my dad was dying for instance so I wouldn't be too far away. It was a joint decision, they always are. But we both take the view that DH, the kids and I are a unit and the most important thing is for us to be together. I wouldn't pick living near my parents over living with my husband.

[mrsfuzzyboots]

Oh OP, I’ve read your updates and it sounds like there’s much more to it than just a dilemma of where to live. You two obviously want such different things. The current set up has him completely detached from family life and in response you’ve created a support network around yourself and DD that he has no place in.

Also, I don’t think it’s abnormal for someone to occasionally want to engage in a hobby or see friends, in addition to spending time with the family, at weekends and I do see how the current arrangement leaves him with an all or nothing choice- it’s either not see the family for two weeks or never get chance to play golf, or whatever he’s in to. Most of us do get to do both. Is it possible that what you DH meant by saying that he’d see you less? That you moving closer would mean that he wouldn’t have to see you 24/7 at the weekend or not at all?

For what it’s worth I think you should see a relationship counsellor as soon as possible.

[SEsofty]

Six months is not very long and you have had a massive change as a couple. Going from couple living in London to split location and a baby. It will take adjustments all round.

How about proposing that once a month you and baby go to London for the weekend. Get a babysitter for Saturday night and go out as a couple and take advantage of London and /or see friends

Once a month he stays in London for the week so he can play golf etc. You see family that weekend or use family as childcare so you get a break.

That leaves two weeks a month for family weekends up north.

Then agree to review in six months

[Crunched]

Quartz2208

I think you have some real marriage issues that have been brought up

To be honest neither of you sound hugely focused on strengthening your marriage/family unit. As Winnie said, a counsellor is needed for you both to thrash out where compromise is needed, and to help to actually hear what you are saying to each other.

[pollythedolly]

I say this as someone who moved away from my support network to live with my DH in a place that has been utterly soul destroying. I have been stuck here for years. I love my DH but I wish that I had considered what my life may have been like with a better support network close by. Its been incredibly difficult


Me too. I've given it a good shot, 3 years and we are moving back to where I come from shortly. I have a fantastic job to go to luckily and looking forward to getting back to normal. I've never settled here. Think very carefully before you make a huge life change like this.

[NameChange30]

mrsfuzzyboots
I agree with most of your post but I do think with a 6 month old baby there is less time for socialising and hobbies than other life stages. Depends on the baby and the amount of support you have. But I think it would be rare for a parent of a 6 month old to have a night out and a golf day every week.

I think the OP’s DH has made it very clear that he doesn’t want a balance between family life and socialising/hobbies (which would be more understandable). He wants to prioritise the latter

[SussexMedley]

Did he actually say explicitly that he wants to spend less time with you and the baby? Or did he say he wants more free time with friends and hobbies, and the negative spin is what you heard?

I'd like a bit more time to do my own thing (SAHM looking for work) but I think spinning this as 'wanting to spend less time with my child' is a bit unfair.

We really couldn't give any real advice without hearing his side of things. You could read this situation either way. He could be checking out of the marriage or he could just be unhappy and wanting to find an alternative.

[halfwitpicker]

Honestly, OP, I’d be worrying about the relationship, and I would be very hesitant to make such a big sacrifice for someone who’s so clearly prioritising his career and desire for social/leisure time over his family.

^^

This

[MrsSchadenfreude]

How much time do you actually spend together, just the three of you when he is in Yorkshire? Do you get quality time, or are you always rushing off to sort out grandparents, look after your sister’s kids? Is your house always full of people dropping in, like your immediate family, Auntie Marge, cousin Fred etc etc?

[FEJ2016]

For a bit more clarity-
The conversation went like this: 'I'm worried that me moving down south would mean that you have a life that involves me and DD less not more'
'Yes it would involve you less, but I want to see my friends more and have a life. As the provider I shouldn't have to live such a compromised life'
I have no problem with him seeing his friends more, I would be perfectly happy if he sometimes spent longer in London so that he could have some fun I want him to be happy.
What worries me is that if he comes home to us late evening and leaves us early morning he's still going to feel like he's spent time with us, which in his mind will free up his weekends to go do whatever he wants. Leaving me basically alone every day of the week. I don't currently spend a ridiculous amount of time with my parents but yes if we're not doing anything I would go and see them (while DH goes to the gym or the pub to watch football)
I don't make friends easily and I really struggle in baby groups to socialise although I push myself to go to loads and try and talk to people.
If he said to me ' I want you to move because I miss you and the baby' I think I wouldn't be going through such a push and pull in my mind. But he wants to have us around but never actually spend days with us. I need real quality time and I get it when he comes up north for the weekend is that too much to ask for?

[FEJ2016]

When he is here he mostly does his own thing Fridays and Mondays and then on Saturday and Sunday we try to do stuff together. I only ever help my family when he's not around and I always make sure we are at his beck and call at the weekend to do whatever activity he wants.

[Jackiebrambles]

This is so hard. After your first post I was torn as I can see both sides and how difficult it is for you both.

But after reading your other posts I think your marriage is in trouble, he's not coping with being a dad at all. Sounds like he's not bonded with your DD well and he just wants to go back to having fun with the lads at the weekend.

No chance I'd move away from my support network for THAT.

And for what it's worth, my DH and I live in London with our two kids. With no support network from either family really. Although as my parents age the conversation does often turn to what we should do and whether we should move closer to family!

[TatianaLarina]

If he said he wanted to move because he desperately missed you and the baby and wanted to spend more time with you both, that is a positive reason for moving.

Moving so that he can spend more time with his friends and playing golf shows that his wife and child is not his main priority.

He already has 3 days of single life per week in London, how much more time does he need to spend with his friends?

Moving for such reasons would be very foolish. I’d suggest that he spends more time down in London in the current set up and go from there.

[Jackiebrambles]

'As the provider'. Blergh.

[KateGrey]

This is a tricky one. Was he reluctant to move to Yorkshire? The commute is obviously a pain but I’d be worried that he’s saying he wants to spend more time with his mates playing golf. I could understand if he said he felt you needed more of a family life. What about you doing half the week in London and every other weekend? That way you can see how things work before committing. Is he suggesting he sells his London Flat and leaves within reasonable commute of his work and is back home every night? I understand in part his point of view that maybe he feels he’s earning and doing the hard slog and doesn’t see the reward. He doesn’t realise that looking after a child can be demanding in a very different way. I think he probably feels he has it harder. I’d see what other options I had before I moved to be honest. Because if he keeps his London flat and still does week nights staying there and you’re out in Surrey on your own you’re stuck.

[TatianaLarina]

Xpost with OP - exactlY! He’s not suggesting this to spend more time with you and DD but his mates.

Yes it would involve you less, but I want to see my friends more and have a life. As the provider I shouldn't have to live such a compromised life'

Having a wife and child involves compromises on seeing them more and your friends less, and that would be the case wherever you lived. I think he hasn’t really engaged with the fact he now has a kid. He wants to carry on his old life.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

It would seem simpler to split. You want things all your way and he just has to finance it. He obviously sees that by his "provider" comment. There's no give on your part at all, only his.

Would you do it the other way round? Work so he could live elsewhere doing little? I highly doubt it.

[TatianaLarina]

Yellow - either perk up your IQ level or shut up.

[NataliaOsipova]

Work so he could live elsewhere doing little?

Doing little? She's caring for a six month old baby....

[KateGrey]

@YellowMakesMeSmile maybe he should pay some for childcare then whilst OP goes back to work! She’s not just loafing around doing nothing. Or do you feel women who are stay at home parents should be thankful to “the provider”? That unpaid work is meaningless? I stayed at home raising our special needs children. My husband provides FINANCIALLY! But I do the day to day stuff.

[StormTreader]

yellow, where exactly is the planned "give" from him in his new proposed plan? I dont see it.

[Dozer]

“As the provider”.

Not a good plan to SAH with a partner like this.