Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

Wow he's really checked out hasn't he he will miss dd what about you?

I'm sorry op

If I were you OP (though this will probably serve only to prove a point, rather than addressing the main emotional issue at stake here), I might write out a series of descriptive 'equations' to demonstrate the possibilities, and quantify the absurdity of his position.

Identify how much time you have together as a family, each doing your respective work (yours being caring for dd and others at the moment), each pursuing leisure activities alone, each spending time with your wider support network (family or friends), taking full account of who is 'on duty / on call' for dd at night and while doing other things, in a set of possible scenarios, e.g.:

Option 1) The status quo

Option 2) SQ but he stays in London 1 in 4 weekends, you visit London 1 in 4.

Option 3) Commuterville

Option 4) Live together in London

Then ask him to explain how his stated desires match the evidence - because at the moment, they don't.

It’s not a question of disagreement. One can respectfully disagree with a valid point. Unfortunately yours are not - they are based on a failure to read and understand the OP’s posts: they are as unintelligent as they are obnoxious.

As if the OP needs telling ‘your marriage has failed’. Who does that?

^^To TwitterQueen clearly.

"I would be happy for him to spend more time in London and have some down time there around his friends. He doesn't consider this an option. He said he will miss his daughter too much. He is not happy to listen to any compromise I have to offer I have also offered to come to London every other week and stay with him more during the week but this also is untenable for him."

Then there you go, theres nothing left you can offer or suggest. He doesnt want you with him in London, he doesnt want you living in the north, he wants you as a handy local parking space for his daughter if he ever actually finds the time to see her, like a gym subscription that never actually gets used but is always "just about to be used". He would rather suggest a few years separation than consider any deviation from what he wants.For someone who has only very recently become THE provider, hes certainly settled into his new position of power quickly, hasnt he?

Only in the fevered minds of the MN regulars has OPs marriage 'failed'. She is never going to get calm, unbiased relationship advice here. The husband wants his family home to be somewhere near his work so he can have a bit of a social life, only on MN is that abusive and isolating her and whatever other nonsense.

From my point of view I think it's quite telling that although I rarely agree with Tatiana's viewpoint (sorry Tatiana lol), on this occasion I am 100% right there with her!

No worries at all. Have we met? Never come across you before.

There is no way I’d be happy with his end of the deal so I wouldn’t expect my dh to do it either if it made him unhappy.

I don’t know about the not caring about you op but if he does you need to talk more and understand each other better

He's very clearly said he wants to concentrate on himself. These threads are frustrating when people refuse to read what the op is saying.
He probably wants you to move so when he decides to separate (which sounds like he wants to), his dd is still nearby and he won't have to travel to see her and will try to prevent you moving.

@Hont1986 I’d like to think my advice was calm and unbiased. Perhaps you disagree.

I don't know what your advice was.

TatianaLarina
From my point of view I think it's quite telling that although I rarely agree with Tatiana's viewpoint (sorry Tatiana lol), on this occasion I am 100% right there with her!

No worries at all. Have we met? Never come across you before.

I'm around and I read, but don't always comment. We have largely opposing viewpoints on many things lol. Its a terrible thing to say but sometimes I just can't be bothered to get into a huge debate and nod or shake my head at the PC lol.

No worries. I like a good debate.

there's no way Id be happy with his end of the deal = the deal that HE chose when HE came up with the plan to move north? People seem to be making a big deal of the three hour commute but honestly, 9/10 times that line from Kings X to Yorskshire runs great and is 3 hours of peace to drink coffee /read/ sleep / watch a film / work - its not like he's fighting round the M25 at 6am. What he is offering the OP is not a nice SAHM life in commuterville with him home by 5 to share tea /bath / bed duties and most of the weekend. If he was, that would be something else and much more understandable but he has made it clear in actual words that he is not interested in spending more time with the OP and "missing his DD" is clearly not it either as he has rejected the OPs suggestion that she brings her down to London more. The "fevered minds of MN regulars" (me included) have been on here long enough to have seen so many of these situations play out. Having said that, OP, to separate from your DDs father, especially as it will involve him being at a significant distance from her is a huge decision. I think a little research on maintenance, residency arrangements and how this would actually work in practice would be a very good idea for both of you. The fact that he runs his own seemingly successful business might give him more flexibility than most to be involved but the reality is that he would need to find a place to have her in Yorks or she is going to be doing a lot of travelling. My ex is a significant distance away and it only works because he stays with his folks near here. It would be too much for the kids to travel 300 miles EOW, regardless of which parent was with them so they don't do it often. You both need to sit down and think about these very real issues and also just about the two of you as a couple - is there still love there despite all this?

So you have made several suggestions which would offer him more time with his daughter ( who he misses, as opposed to you
) and give him more time in London but he has rejected them? I am sorry op but I think you should consider discussing the separating again. Maybe it will be the kick up the bum he needs that he can’t just put you in a box labelled childcare and leave you there, but maybe he just cares a lot about himself and not a lot about you.
Could there be someone else in London ? I’m not sure why he didn’t want you spending time down there. Maybe surprise him and go down anyway...

This actually makes me think 'other woman'

His proposals are ridiculous and he obviously knows op well enough to predict her reaction so she's played right into his hands

He can now say ' oh well, I tried' and off he goes, single again and free to do as he pleases

Being as close to work and family as possible is important for both so no we wouldn’t keep the other one doing it if it wasn’t working out

But more the issue is is the love still there or is he feeling resentment and stress and it’s colouring what he’s saying. Could be or not but up to the op if she wants to talk more

the deal that HE chose when HE came up with the plan to move north?

Things change though. He tried it out and its not working for him. I don't think there's anything outrageous about saying that.

People seem to be making a big deal of the three hour commute but honestly, 9/10 times that line from Kings X to Yorskshire runs great and is 3 hours of peace to drink coffee /read/ sleep / watch a film / work - its not like he's fighting round the M25 at 6am

Lots of people would hate this kind of lifestyle and being away from home a few nights a week, regardless of how 'peaceful' you think that journey is. Again, it's legitimate for him to say that he doesn't want to do it.

I don't think either party is necessarily in the right or wrong here, based on the limited knowledge we have. And anyway, it doesn't change the pertinent point, which is that they both want different things.

The OP is prepared to compromise on some levels, but not to the extent of moving away from her base. I can understand that too. However, fundamentally her husband wants the family to live within striking distance of London.

That conflict looks difficult to resolve.

but he's not complaining about the journey he's complaining about not seeing his mates to which the OP has offered solutions. The 3 hr journey isn't every day, either. If he is planning on commuting in from anywhere round the edge of the M25 it will be a way more stressful and potentially timeconsuming journey EVERY day. I used to live in Herts and it on paper took 25 mins but those lines are subject to huge delays, overcrowding etc on a regular basis. It does seem as though he is looking for excuses to resume his pre-child life with the little wife at home doing one of those really common and easy to find part time jobs that fit round school hours and holidays. [hmmm]

Yes, OW is a possibility - and another reason for him wanting OP uprooted and isolated, of course. He doesn't want her to be able to access any support from family or friends, because then she won't be desparate, scared and obedient.

And I think the PP suggesting he wants to leave the marriage and blame OP for it ending are probably on to something as well. He will then be another of those whinyarsed male losers going 'Bitch won't let me see my kid' when actually he just can't be bothered to make the journey but wants the rest of the losers to pity him.

but he's not complaining about the journey he's complaining about not seeing his mates

Well that's understandable too.

Most people live with their families, near to where they work. Other arrangements can work for families, but the norm is probably the norm for a reason. I don't think its outrageous for him to want that.

At the same time, I don't particularly blame the OP, given what seems to be a lack of trust in the relationship, for wanting to stay put.

But what it comes down to is that neither side are particularly thinking as a family unit. The OP is wedded to staying in the North, close to her family, far away from what needs to be her partners' base. Her partner seems to be prioritizing his business and social life.

It seems to me that to make this marriage work, one person needs to compromise on the location of the family base. Neither seem willing. The unwillingness on either side isn't necessarily unreasonable. That in itself is telling.

So sorry to read your update op. I can't believe he suggested separating for two years?! WTF? God knows what's going on in his head but you are absolutely right - stand firm, no WAY should you move for this man. Why on earth would he think you would??

What did he say when you mentioned counselling?

Please read the thread Laurie.

OP has said she would absolutely move if she thought he felt the same about her and she does about him.

The reason she’s not prepared to move at the moment is not because she won’t compromise but because the relationship is not strong enough. From all that he has said I think she’s right.

He has not said he wants to move to spend more time with her. No - he has explicitly said he wants to spend less time with her and more on his mates, hobbies and business.

She has offered the compromise that he could spend more time in London and less up north - he rejected that. She offered to spend more time down in London - he rejected that too.

He’s also suggested a two year separation to spend more time on himself.

This is a man who is thinking about separating, not how to keep his family together.

I've just read the whole thread, what a difficult position you're in, OP. Unfortunately, I tend to agree with PPs who have said that he's had a taste of the single life and he's enjoying it too much to give it up.

for you