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Original poster

Don't want to move for DH

392 replies

FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 08:40

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn Sad

OP posts:
bluebells1 · 22/02/2018 08:55

OP have you considered that he is probably uncomfortable in your hometown, surrounded by your family and your life? Like a PP said, why not rent somewhere and try out a life closer to London? IF he is running a business and going to expand it, I can guarantee you that he will not have time to go out and socialize much. Right now you are basing your decisions on guesses and assumptions. Give it a shot.

Julie8008 · 22/02/2018 08:57

Why not compromise and let him stay in London Mon-Friday so he has more time, but comes North on Sat and Sunday for you time. Then when your children reach school age you can move south for the good schools when you will have more independence as well.

expatinscotland · 22/02/2018 09:01

'I had a discussion with DH last night after talking to my sister and brother-in-law, and he said some nasty things and even at one point suggested we separate for a couple of years so he could focus on himself and his business 100%. '

So you're supposed to hang round for a couple of years whilst he indulges himself fully and then see if he decides his family is worth having?

Yeah, right!

BringMeTea · 22/02/2018 09:03

You sound like you have your head scewed on right OP. That is a very good decision. Sadly I think your husband is checking out and will make less and less effort now you have wisely decided to stay put. Good luck with it all. Stay strong. You can totally do it all without him.

Original poster
FEJ2016 · 22/02/2018 09:03

I would be happy for him to spend more time in London and have some down time there around his friends. He doesn't consider this an option. He said he will miss his daughter too much. He is not happy to listen to any compromise I have to offer I have also offered to come to London every other week and stay with him more during the week but this also is untenable for him.

OP posts:
TotHappy · 22/02/2018 09:04

Shock what expat said. What the fuck!

ToffeeUp · 22/02/2018 09:04

Sorry to read your last update, he is checking out.

Notonthestairs · 22/02/2018 09:05

I can't believe he's suggested separating for a couple of years. WTF?. He doesn't get to pick up and put down his family as he feels like it. I'm so sorry.

cestlavielife · 22/02/2018 09:06

He s told you want he wants.
Himself.
So do as he suggests.
Separate for couple years
Stay where you are.

TotHappy · 22/02/2018 09:06

What the fuck is his reason for not wanting you and dd yo come and stay with him? How did he explain that?

expatinscotland · 22/02/2018 09:06

Look, he wants you two there as an accompaniment to himself, who is the main course. The pair of you are side dishes to compliment him, make sure he has a hot meal on the table, do the lifework, whilst he, the Mighty Peen Provider, is properly lauded and indulged.

beluga425 · 22/02/2018 09:16

You sound like you are trying very hard to accommodate your DH. You need to be very clear with him that if you move away from your support network, he will need to step up and help more at home and that this need will only increase if you have more children.

3boys3dogshelp · 22/02/2018 09:24

Well done OP. I think you did the right thing standing your ground.
I think him saying he is struggling with the ‘new life up North’ is actually a total red herring . What he is really struggling with is the new life with a tiny baby, having dependents and having to consider other people before himself. You sound like you have already offered far more than I would have felt able to when I had a 6m old baby. If that isn’t good enough for him then you are absolutely right to stay where you are.
He is a dad now. His first consideration (not only consideration but first consideration) should be what is best for his daughter before either himself of you. In everything you’ve written I can’t see a single thing where he has thought about how his plans would affect her life at all.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/02/2018 09:25

I'm really sorry OP, what a disappointment for you. This man isn't on your team and I think you need to prepare yourself for some shit behaviour from him.

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 22/02/2018 09:26

I think there's a compromise to be found. At the moment he does 3 days in London and 4 in Yorkshire. Could you swap this? Maybe he could look at staying in London for a weekend once a month so he can go out and socialise?

My concern is that you move down and end up isolated with no support. If he's working long days and looking to increase those he's not going to be much help in practical terms.

looliloo · 22/02/2018 09:31

What he's said is really really hurtful, Completely selfish and downright cunty.

Leave him now while your daughter won't be aware of what's going on. Sounds like a part time dad so you can 100% do it on your ownThanks

YellowMakesMeSmile · 22/02/2018 09:31

How would his plans for them all to live in the same house full time affect a six month baby?

He wants them to live together closer to work, he's tried the long distance thing for his wife's sake and is not happy.

However the OP doesn't want to move and wants it all her way.

His suggestion of separating is sensible. It's what we would tell a woman if her husband wanted to live away from the family home most of the week and refused to move back in together.

BillyCongo · 22/02/2018 09:35

Sorry to read your update. My DH works and stays in London Monday to Friday. I am based in the West Country near my family. We both have demanding jobs and I need the child care support from family he can't provide. This arrangement isn't for everyone but it works for us. We both realised our hobby time would have to reduce. DH gave up cricket. We also worked hard to establish a social network for DH down here so he has mates to go out with in both locations. It is possible to be happily married in this arrangement but you need to be rock solid any cracks or trust issues and it won't work. I think you are right to stay where you are for now.

3boys3dogshelp · 22/02/2018 09:36

I know what you mean but the baby isn’t going to stay 6 months old forever. If OP moves she is moving her away from what sounds like a very loving and close family who currently spend a lot of time together. It is also OP’s support network- and her dh is already saying he has no intention of trying to fill that gap, he is planning to see less of them! If OP is isolated, lonely and less able to work as she is totally reliant on paid childcare how is that good for their daughter?

SandyY2K · 22/02/2018 09:38

Not read the whole thread...but his idea leaves you isolated with an infant and could very easily lead you to be depressed/develop PND.

Let him as pps have suggested have his fun and spend more weekends in London.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2018 09:40

Just seen your latest post...he's not willing to compromise and that's not good.

With his refusal to entertain your proposals...I'd stay put.

TwitterQueen1 · 22/02/2018 09:43

I've told him that until we have a relationship that I think is strong enough I'm not going anywhere.

Kiss of death. Your marriage has failed OP. I realise I'm in a tiny minority here but IMO the greater part of responsibility for this lies on your shoulders. You're in your home town, exactly where you want to be, with all your family, doing whatever you want, when you want. Your social life is yours to determine as is your entire lifestyle.

Your OH has to split his life between his business in London and your life in Yorkshire. He cannot - and apparently is completely unreasonable for wanting to - develop any kind of friendship group or settled life for himself. He wants to change things, you don't. Your compromises seem to be dependent on everything staying the same for you.

It's sad that you won't even consider trying to live together and rescue your marriage but it's your decision. Good luck to both of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 09:44

Well now you know. His way or the high way. I’m so sorry. Has he always been so bullying or exacting? As others have said, he really doesn’t get what it is to be a father and hasn’t properly bonded with your dc.

Yellow
What are you whitening on about? This isn’t the only thread you’ve been way off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 09:46

TwitterQueen
I don’t see it this way. Op is offering several compromises. Going down every other week is an ideal way to test the water and see if moving down south is an option. And he’s rejecting it every time because she isn’t doing exactly as demanded.

MarshaBradyo · 22/02/2018 09:49

Agree with Twitter, your marriage may not last now, is that the path you are ok with?

Or you could both put more into it, including counselling with him in London

I don’t think you can underestimate how stressful it must be plus he must miss his dd a lot and try to mitigate that

He sounds too unhappy with the situation to continue

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