Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

Surrendered women or MRAs scattered around this thread. Do ignore them OP.

BS

You can’t expect a marriage to survive when one is so unhappy with the situation

People who make it work both take the decision

OP I’m truly sorry you’re going through all of this - it must be devastating. Well done for being so strong and clear with him.

I’m sorry that the posters who said he wanted out from start were right. I think the proposed move was a way of ending things without looking like the arsehole who walks out on his wife and baby.

There are some thick posters in this thread but I think TwitterQueen deserves a special prize.

So, he won't stay in London for more than three days a week because he wants to be with you and his baby. BUT he wants you to move to a commuter suburb where he admits he will be out ALL day at work, EVERY weekend with his mates and SEE YOU LESS.

Not strong on logic or consistency is he!

The only reasonable conclusion is that he likes you both best when you are asleep.

Also, when he is in Yorkshire, he spends time by himself, on leisure activities, not with his wife and child at all. Thus, his supposed desire to see them during waking hours is not just theoretically but demonstrably not what he actually wants.

I haven't read the whole thread

Does sound like it's doomed. But it's good you are housed so won't be homeless

Wonder how he proposes to afford maintenance and arrange access with the child caught up in all of this

Also, just a reminder to other posters that the DH earns 10x what OP did when working FT, yet she has always paid 50:50 for everything. She bought the Yorkshire house with her savings. He did not contribute, despite wanting them both to move there. He is not 'keeping' her there. He is not 'the provider'. He is financially extremely selfish and has been throughout their relationship.

Having that asset is excellent for you though OP. You have your own home, should you need it. Or, if you were to move for a while, you could let it out, then return later. An excellent position to be in.

Sorry to read your update OP.

There is no sense in his reasoning. You have offered the option of him staying longer in London so he has more ‘him’ time and he has rejected this because he says he will miss your DD too much.

On the other hand he wants to separate for a couple of years.

As I said earlier, dangerously semi-detached. Stay put.

Yes, I think the plus in all this is that the OP has her own home near her family. From that POV she’s in a good position.

Get some good legal and financial advice. This man is fundamentally misogynistic - he is trying everything he can to put you into an 'inferior' position, and his behaviour is going to escalate now that you are standing up to him.

On the bright side, though, he's made it clear what a tosspot he is before you uprooted yourself and allowed him to isolate you miles from family and friends.

And I’m truly sorry to rub salt in the wounds but I reread your update and it seems he will miss your DD but no mention of you. I hope that isn’t what he said but sad for you if it is.

He won't miss his dd. He's already said he would ideally spend less time with her. He's just saying that to fit his narrative. I suspect if you separate he'll see very little of his child, entirely by his own decision.

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual I agree with you but I think it’s telling that his narrative didn’t include his DW.

Definitely. Very upsetting.

To be honest you are already as good as separated - you have the house in Yorkshire, he has a flat in London, he has his business down there and you have your family up there. You are unable to find any middle ground - he has never had any sort of normal family life with his baby and you don’t want to leave your support network at home because you don’t trust him to be able to give you the same. Following your latest update it seems your instincts have been correct. Looking on the bright side you have your own home and all your family around you, you can start to look for a job in Yorkshire and maybe look at sharing childcare with you sister-in-law. Presumably DH will keep visiting to see your DD - life won’t really change that much.

TatianaLarina
OP I’m truly sorry you’re going through all of this - it must be devastating. Well done for being so strong and clear with him.

I’m sorry that the posters who said he wanted out from start were right. I think the proposed move was a way of ending things without looking like the arsehole who walks out on his wife and baby.

From my point of view I think it's quite telling that although I rarely agree with Tatiana's viewpoint (sorry Tatiana lol), on this occasion I am 100% right there with her!

I moved 130 miles from my friends and family to be with my DH. He had an existing business and kids and didn't want to move them away from their Mum. I made the choice and did it. I've been here 15 years now and I have grown to love it, I'm like the OP and not into the groups and clubs etc so making friends took a lot of time. I'm settled now and happy.

However.... my DH has a dream of moving to Norfolk to retire. So much so that he bought a house there with his inheritance. He's 10 years older than me, so he'll be retiring at 58 or so,, but his pension won't cover it all. I'll have to continue working for another 10-15 years til the state pensions kick in.

I'll have to leave the job I love for another one, and work more hours whilst he gets to fish and hang out relaxing.

The resentment for the man I adore is starting to build now, I'm starting to ask 'why' questions. WHY am I having to leave again? WHY am I having to change job? WHY wouldn't he look to other areas.

Compromise is great but it seems like me, the OP is the one having to do all the compromising.

Tatiana Don't insult me - it's not clever or appropriate. Just because you don't agree with me it doesn't make me stupid. Try to express yourself without resorting to insults.

I suspect he’d ideally like to have DD around so that he can see he easily when he feels like it. Which is why he suggested the move. I think he already had the 2 year time frame in his head, after which he’d split with the OP but have DD nearby.

I apologise if this reads like I am jumping the gun a bit here - I am a bit - but it might be worth checking out your financial situation with a family lawyer.

That wouldn't mean or require you to get formally separated - just that you ar aware of your options and dont make any moves that might leave your future vulnerable.

Sorry - life won’t really change that much - sounds a bit unsympathetic. I meant it in the sense of you haven’t got to move out of the family home and physically leave taking your daughter with you. You already have supports around you.

Rachie
That’s because you don’t have to. Your dh sounds very selfish. My dh has plans to retire in France. I’m not sold on that and neither is he anymore.

Honestly, I think this arrangement has given him a tiny taste of single life and he has so much fun in his two nights a week in London that he wants more of it.

Both my DH and I have sacrificed pretty much everything outside of work since our kids were born because we WANT to spend every possible second we can as a family. If he started going on about the gym and golf when we had a six month old, I’d send him packing to the London Flat by himself indefinitely.

To be honest you are already as good as separated - you have the house in Yorkshire, he has a flat in London, he has his business down there and you have your family up there. You are unable to find any middle ground - he has never had any sort of normal family life with his baby and you don’t want to leave your support network at home because you don’t trust him to be able to give you the same.

I agree with this. And I can absolutely see why he found the life of commuting difficult and unsatisfactory.

Middle ground seems elusive, time to call it a day.

Mummyoflittledragon
That’s because you don’t have to. Your dh sounds very selfish. My dh has plans to retire in France. I’m not sold on that and neither is he anymore.

Yeah. I think it might play out differently to how he initially thought it might. I've stopped stewing on it now and started to speak about it, so we'll see what happens over the next few years.