Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

Could you ask him to give it 6 Months or so and then you’ll be able to see where you stand more.. it does sound like he is trying to live the single life. I wouldn’t move anywhere until you are sure you will have his love and support down there.

The most worrying thing is that the man has told OP that she should move away from her support network but he will spend even less time with her 'when' she does so. More red flags then a Momentum pissup. It's all about him trying to ensure she 'knows her place' ie subservient to him and unable to escape.

I wonder what this business of his actually is? Whether it's going anywhere, or if it's failing, which would make it even more important to an inadequate man that he takes steps to make sure 'his woman' is dependent on him and struggling. OP was probably the more successful before marriage and motherhood, and loser men can't stand that sort of thing.

I don’t blame him for wanting to move but then I don’t blame you for being wary of his his reasons and the reality of it

You can be honest too and say that doesn’t sound good for me and I need more to consider it

It could be he’s annoyed with current set up which is making him paint a worse picture

It is very difficult, almost an impasse but keep talking

How much time does he spend with his mates/family/on hobbies at the moment?

It's telling that you said he's always earned a lot a more than you but you've always paid equally. I'm not sure why you are with this man op. He's not invested in you or his child.

He sees himself as "the provider" and wants to spend more time doing what he wants with his friends. I am sorry OP but he sounds selfish and not committed to family life. Does he spend time with your DD and do you think he is a good father because he doesn't sound like a good husband.

I moved 250 miles away from my family in London 28 years ago with 2 DDs under 3 for my DH job move. It was a new place for both of us though and I threw myself into support groups and started a part time job. DH was around weekends and evenings and we have made a good life. Yes I miss my mum, sister and brother and niece/nephews but we visit as do they. I only did it because I trusted my DH to help and support me. Initially I was a SAHM as childcare for 2 DC was very expensive. That actually helped me establish friendships with other mums.

Does your DH realise that moving south means no family to babysit if you want to go out in the evening until you find someone you can trust? What happens if you get ill? Will he look after the baby? Having young children takes a village. We are constantly over at my DDs and son in laws as DD 7 months pregnant with a 2 year old. We look after our granddaughter one day a week while my DD works and the other grandparents do another day. They expressly chose to stay near family when they had kids.

I think you need to talk quite honestly to your DH saying you are worried about how much support he will be given you are giving up your support system in Yorkshire. Does he have family in London? Are you returning to work and what childcare arrangements will you use? Are you going to be left home alone every Saturday night because he wants to gallivant around like a single chap like his friends or play golf all day leaving you holding the baby even though you have looked after her on your own all week? I certainly wouldn't rush to do it as I cannot see what is in it for you. He really doesn't seem to be selling it either.

'Yes it would involve you less, but I want to see my friends more and have a life. As the provider I shouldn't have to live such a compromised life'

Read that several times and see how it sounds. He has gone from single life you both enjoyed together to family man and doesn't seem to like it. It is not unreasonable for him to go out with his friends every now and again but will you be able to do the same. Wanting to spend less time with you is a massive kick in the teeth.

I have done what he is doing.

It really is hard if you are always doing the travelling. You work. You have no time to do housework/diy/shopping/haircuts/all the house admin. Very little time to just relax, go out for a drink or a coffee with anyone you work with, you feel disconnected. Evenings are either lonely or working or you go out with a few mates from work. But you can't really join in or develop those relationships because you always have to go "home". You can never join them at the weekend for golf or meals at their home or barbeques to meet their familes or football training or a bike ride so these relationships stay superficial.

Because you are attached you are not really part of the single crowd but the married crowd are home in the evenings. You fill the gaps with work.

You feel disconnected in the other place too because you are a visitor in "your own home" and the people who pop in are not your friends/family so the continuity talk is all about yesterday/tomorrow and all the things you are not part of. You feel like a guest who has outstayed your welcome. The routines surrounding the children are established. "Oh no, she has her nap then/ we always see granny on a Wednesday/ she doesn't like apples/ that story/ needs to do her hoemwork" And you can't easily establish your own routines with the children because the other partner has it covered. It is horrible.

For the one at home - and I was that person too while DH worked 500 miles away 3/4 days a week - it is much better. I had a very busy life with two kids and schools, family all my friends. I had a part time job and a life. Dh came back at weekends and it was lovely to see him. We had happy weekends but they were always tense. If we needed to talk we woudln't want to spoil the weekend /have a row before he left/just after he arrrived - so it would fester. He would feel under huge pressure to be involved. We had to make a huge effort for the weekend to go well, have sex, "do something". He could never just chill out and do nothing or I would feel that I hadn't seen him all week but he couldn't be bothered for us. He was never off duty

When he got a new job he moved back home and family life went back to normal.

I think people are being too harsh on the dh, not many would relish what he is doing and might come out with a line about a compromised life.

It sounds tough and can imagine it is as sixteenapples says, he could be more involved without the stress of a split life. It’s loaded too much to the op right now

The problem is he's three days away from you so he wouldn't see you less, would he? Is there a middle ground at all here in terms of location? Because you both need it but I have to say do not move really far away from where you are, you sound like you will miss the support and it is total hell when you move somewhere you know nobody. Tell him you're really worried and down over it so you can work out a compromise but he does need a life too and big xxxxxxx to you, it's a tough one

I think the OP’s husband has not embraced family life with a new baby. I think they either need to live together in London or keep up the status quo.

The OP’s husband does have a very old fashioned idea of relationships. He provides financially (and he does sound good at it) and the OP supports him in whatever he wants to do. It works for some but not for others. Only the OP can say if she is happy with this.

The commuter town option sounds like hell. Integrating into a new city without all the London amenities but still far from friends and family.

He is selfish actually.

He is going to uproot you to be closer to London, you will lose your entire support network in the process so he can be have more fun and golf time?

I guess you would more receptive if the reasons were that he wanted to be with you and the baby.

I wouldn't move. You will end up lonely and isolated.

I think you need to be straight with him about what you expect from him and his priorities. Dd needs to come first, and you, not his social life. compromise on what you both need from the time you have - he plays golf sees friends once a month etc.

Think very carefully before having anymore children with this man, he does not sound very committed to your little family.

If I were you I'd stay put, OP. Whatever the cost. Livijng with a baby where you don't know anyone, find it hard to make friends and have a partner who works long hours and doesn't spend weekends with you is truly awful, I know this from personal experience.

Please don't leave your family and support network, I really think you'll regret it.

Why don’t you and baby go down to London every other Thursday to Tuesday, and spend the Monday and Friday going to activities so you can see if there is potential to build a support network. Start socialising in both places - people over to coffee etc. If you have accommodation in both places it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, surely.

I have asked before and I don't know whether the Op is still reading but...

Where does your DH's family live and how often do you get chance to visit?

And, as you met in London, do you not have any friends left there?

I'm not suggesting you move back BTW.

I also think there are some very harsh judgements about your DH, considering there is very little info given about him. It actually sounds as though he has been very kind in some ways - he knew for example, that you always wanted to move back to Yorkshire and he came up with the compromise for you to be able to do this. He has tried it and now at least he is being honest with you about how hard it is for him. It doesn't sound great that he's said he wants to spend more time with his mates but maybe that is is clumsy way of saying he wants a more balanced, regular life. There is nothing wrong with wanting that.

As your DD is still so young having read the whole thread I would advise you to move and make a real go of it with your DH otherwise you will never know what you are capable of as a couple and a mother. Plenty of people move to London and dream of going home one day, lots of them never do. You chose to marry a man whose business is in London. Did you really think you could move back to Yorkshire knowing that? No harm in trying it but it's not working out. Also think it's worth saying that thousands of women bring up children (esp in SE) away from their families and they do it well, making strong friendships and relying on each other so there is no need to be isolated and lonely. There will be women just like you from all over the world. Not saying it's not tough but it's doable. and your family aren't that far away.

If your DH does turn out to be a completely selfish arse well that's on him - but you have to give him that chance. You'll have done your best for you and your DD - and surely it's best for her as she grows older to have a more connected family life and not to see Daddy coming and going all the time.

Oh and I'd definitely get a part time job sooner rather than later so you don't become completely financially dependent on DH.

OP has said clearly that she does have friends in London - who go out drinking and partying together, a lifestyle she no longer wants or needs.

My impression is that she and her DH have had dcs before others in their social groups, so are 'the odd ones out', for now.

OP, has your DH thought about what happens when his friends have babies, many of them become truly family-orientated, and no longer want to spend their weekends out playing with him?

So, so many people do this sort of part-weekly commute, so their families can live somewhere affordable and lovely. It really isn't unusual.

I think you're seeing a disproportionate number of posts from London and Home Counties posters (by far Mumsnet's most member-populous regions), portraying their own particular normality.

I think the overwhelming number of posters have acknowledged what an awful predicament the OP's husband has put her in.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time on your own leisure activities - but the time when you have a 6 month old baby is not when it is realistic, kind or normal to expect that wish to be fulfilled!

There is thread after thread after thread on here about selfish DHs who prioritise themselves and their hobbies over their wife and children. The advice is always 'equal leisure time'. Where is OP's leisure time? When does her DH spend time alone with his baby? Cover nights or early mornings? Sounds like never!

OP is helping to care for two elderly relatives with dementia, plus some older dcs, as well as taking sole care of her 6mo baby. In any other circs she'd be told her burden was grossly unfair.

Also, her DH is NOT 'the provider' (and the fact he describes himself this way and sees it giving him all the bargaining chips is deeply disturbing). They've always split everything 50:50. He expects her to get a PT job to support herself. He is providing for his own pension and leisure fund, not for his wife and baby. On any other thread, that information would prompt instant shouts of financial abuse.

OP, you need a really big talk with this manchild. He needs to wake up to the fact he is a father - and all the implications that carries.

Thanks so much to everyone who has written on this thread it's really helpful to have so many different points of view and I hope you know I'm taking them all on board.
I had a discussion with DH last night after talking to my sister and brother-in-law, and he said some nasty things and even at one point suggested we separate for a couple of years so he could focus on himself and his business 100%.
I've told him that until we have a relationship that I think is strong enough I'm not going anywhere. He can't tell me the reason he wants me to move is to be with me and he can't tell me he thinks we will make it so I'm not removing myself from the support I have around me for him to leave me in another 6 months.
I've told him I want us to get counselling and that I would sacrifice anything for him if I thought he felt the same way about me as I do about him.

Op as the 'provider' of childcare (such a patronising word as it implies you are just sitting pretty and doing fa) when does your dp see you getting you time? This is all about him and his needs. You need equal you time as well as family time but it sounds like he expects you always doing it all and he will drop in when he chooses inbetween his fun and free time.

Have you spoken to him about this? Asked him what you and dd get out of it? Because less dad and husband time, less social time, less equal parenting and house sorting time and cut off from your support network isnt very appealing.

Cross posted oh OP im sorry. He sounds like a shit. He wanted to isolate you and have things all on his terms doing what he wanted. He wanted to control you and thats unforgivable. Be very very wary when hes shown you this side. You see how easily he thought of doing that to you and didnt care? Its equslly easy to pretend to change to persuade you to.

Thanks for the update OP. I hope you can find a way to work this out but I do think you are being sensible to stay put until he can commit fully to you and your DP. Good luck.

Sorry, DC not DP!

I think you're doing the right thing x