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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/02/2018 21:34

The teacher sounded snappy.

The next stage will presumably be an internal exclusion then?

Hard though it is to tackle your daughter, she is not responding well to the softly softly approach. Being out of control is quite scary for a 15 year old. Although she won’t admit it this decade, putting in firmer boundaries will help her feel more secure and calm.

Decide your rules and talk her through them. Change the WiFi password if you don’t want to tackle getting the phone off her perhaps.

BishBoshBashBop · 20/02/2018 21:38

Maybe she dislikes the teacher because the teacher is dictatorial and rude. Listen to your daughter, believe her, you know her, you don't know the teacher

Whereas her daughter who tells her to fuck off, is all sweetness and light. Hmm

From what OP says she doesn't know her daughter at the moment as she is acting up.

tillytrotter1 · 20/02/2018 21:41

Love all the criticism of the teacher who is maybe having to deal with the daughter's behaviour, and that of others like her, on a regular basis. It may surprise many that teachers have a limit and teenagers who are not used to discipline and consequences outside school pushes that limit, especially when a parent who cannot or will not cope with one child has the audacity to expect the school to sort her out. Maybe the parent can come into school every lunchtime to supervise detentions convenient to her daughter.

Rewn7 · 20/02/2018 21:45

Agreed Cauliflowersqueeze
Former boundaries are needed as the soft approach is clearly failing.

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 21:45

Well said tillytrotter!

Rewn7 · 20/02/2018 21:45

*firmer not former

DumbledoresApprentice · 20/02/2018 21:48

I’m a secondary teacher and I think the teacher was a bit rude. That being said, I’d cut them some slack and wouldn’t complain. You’ve said that your daughter’s behaviour is a problem.
I also think the real issue here is your DD’s safety and well-being, as you’ve already said.
The fact that she was able to get money for a new phone when you confiscated one raises a huge red flag for me. Without wanting to be too alarmist that sort of thing alongside a child becoming rapidly alienated from parents and/or friends is very common in cases of child sexual exploitation and grooming.
Do you know who your DD is spending her time with? Have the school raised any concerns?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/02/2018 21:52

Oh dear OP, this is a nightmare scenario for me (DD is 7 and lovely in generally but can be feisty). The teacher is not out of order to tell you 'you'd better' really as your DD is on the route to exclusion. Does she understand that?

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 21:56

Teens have so much to cope with. Ragi g hormones ( might be helped with the pill) exam stress ( especially with the new linear 9-1 spec) peer pressure ( Facebook, twitter, Snapchat,wasap etc) wanting to be independent more ( maybe giving more responsibility for things) being neither a child or an adult etc etc on top of the completely scientific truth their brains are going through a complete rewire ready for adulthood....the list is endless. Have you discussed with your dd any of these issues? If not, why not?
On the point of teens/ children not all being academic brought up by a previous poster then maybe this might be true of your dd who might be more of a creative person. Have you explored clubs etc? Have you explored counselling? For both of you? Just ideas I'm throwing out to you. Maybe one or two may help.

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 21:59

Yes why don t you know where your dd is?

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 22:00

More than meets the eye here me thinks.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/02/2018 22:05

Teacher was very unprofessional in her response. Like you rightly With the best will in every universe. You can only do so much with teeangers. You can't carry them there or put them in a pram and push them there.
That's not bad parenting. That's a fact.

Olivo · 20/02/2018 22:07

Could you email her head of year to meet and come up with something to support between you? I don't agree with what the teacher said, but if I sounded pissed off, it might be because I had paid for extra childcare myself so I could stay later to carry out detentions or what have you. Teachers are under so much pressure to prove their interventions it depending on your classes, these can be exhausting!

Olivo · 20/02/2018 22:08

Gah, sorry, I'd only read half the thread, the rest didn't load!

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 22:10

OK if there is “only so much you can do with teenagers" why the hell do so many parents expect teachers to sort them out? The teacher is taking an active role in helping the DD to achieve something from her time at school and taking time away from other students and parents to help. If she took the same route as OP and threw up her hands, shrugged and said "teenagers eh!" “let's not make them do anything, it's calmer that way“ where would that end?

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/02/2018 22:22

Thecrabbypatty

why the hell do so many parents expect teachers to sort them out?

Because (looking at some of the responses on here) its easier to blame the teacher than their children, then all the keyboard warriors parents that are blaming the teachers can go in like a 'tiger mum' and get all virtuous about how they are protecting their children.

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 22:27

BoneyBackJefferson - exactly. You reap what you sow I guess. Same sort of parents that phone the school when their kid won't get out of bed in the morning and expect the head of year to "have a word" sigh

Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/02/2018 22:30

thecrabby

As a head of Year many years ago I had that. The mum would ring me in the morning, walk into her 14 year old son’s bedroom and shout at him to get up and then put me on the phone to him - so awkward to know he was in bed as I was talking to him. 😖

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/02/2018 22:34

I'm not saying you take the attitude of just throwing the towel in and saying.
Oh they're teenagers. Nothing i can do. However as I've already alluded to. There's so much you can do. You can only give your absolute all. We're parents we're not God's. I've never made out I was perfect.

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 22:34

Cauliflowersqueeze (excellent name) Its just pure cringe, I feel for you.

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 22:34

I would have said get your kid to school now or I'll get the truant officer to do it shall I?

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 22:37

Ha! My mum was a fan of a freezing cold wet flannel on the back of the neck and duvet confiscation!

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 22:39

Its bad enough you get dcs going to school in nappies because they haven't been toilet trained. Can't dress their selves or hold a knife and fork or know how to use them. Some parents seem to think school has to bring up the dcs as well as educate them!

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 22:40

And as for not fighting fire with fire.......just make sure yours is a bigger fire that will do it!Grin

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 22:44

CrabbypattyGrin
Nowadays parenting would be standing there going ' come on darling, up you get and mummy will make you your favourite breakfast' or alternatively get a chair and sit and wait till time is right for DC as you must fight fire with fire...all in good timeGrin

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