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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 20/02/2018 19:19

I think an email would be best here to teacher and copying in HOY.

Dear Xxxx,

Thankyou for phonecall on x date at y time informing me DD failed to attend her detention.
I was unhappy with your response that "is better get her there" but realise you possibly have a solution to this I haven't thought of.

Therefore, as DD is cause for serious concern at the moment I ask you arrange a meeting for us all to discuss dd behaviour, detentions and for you to suggest how I can physically force her back to school - as I support the school in her punishments.

Regards

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 20/02/2018 19:22

Your DD Disliking her teacher is entirely irrelevant. Adult authority has deemed your daughters behaviour unacceptable and YOU need to step up and ensure that
1 your daughter understands that
2 sorts her behaviour out.

My bet is that the teacher knows your DD doesn’t like her and is increasingly frustrated.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 20/02/2018 19:24

Ps. You need to CONNECT with your daughter. Spend some one on one time with her, take the aggression out of the equation.

Dieu · 20/02/2018 19:24

Hmm, the 'you'd better' line sounds a bit unlikely to me. Are you sure it wasn't put along the lines of 'it would be better if you did return her to school'?

Mummyontherun86 · 20/02/2018 19:25

Maybe your DD has a point about this teacher. If that’s how they speak to parents, heavens knows how they speak to the students...

ShawshanksRedemption · 20/02/2018 19:31

I think the issue here is that it's gone beyond the usual sanctions. The OPs DD does not care if she upsets her mum. I have to question why that is? As a teen I wanted my parents to be proud of me and would never (intentionally) upset them. I wanted the comfort and safety of what my parents (and my home) when all else as a teenager was upside down. I needed that stability.

Now as a parent of a teenage DD, I hope I have the same relationship, where she too would be mortified if she ever intentionally upset me. I don't swear round my kids, so they don't swear round me, and would never think to swear at me.

So OP, I think you have a breakdown in your relationship with your DD, and you need professional support. I would approach the school and meet with them and tell them exactly what she is like at home and towards you. You may need to look back over recent memory as to when this attitude towards you started, and you may have an inkling why. I would then ask the school what agencies they can recommend for you and DD. You can also make an appt with your GP to discuss the stress this is putting you under and whether they have any agencies they can access to help you too.

Or the alternative is to not ask for help and continue as you are and hope for the best and that DD eventually comes round.

WitchesHatRim · 20/02/2018 19:33

Maybe your DD has a point about this teacher. If that’s how they speak to parents, heavens knows how they speak to the students

If the way the DD speaks to the teachers in the same way she speaks to her mum I imagine they are at the end of their tether.

They have 3p DC to deal with. Not one.

WitchesHatRim · 20/02/2018 19:34

*30

MrsMozart · 20/02/2018 19:36

Goodness me. All the people who would make the OP's DD behave... HmmConfusedShock

OP probably a meet with the school (you at least if DD won't go) and see what protocol they have for children who won't attend detentions.

BishBoshBashBop · 20/02/2018 19:38

Goodness me. All the people who would make the OP's DD behave...

You think her behaviour is acceptable?

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 19:38

The OP has said that her DD isn't too bad at school, she gets detentions for not doing her homework, not for behaving badly in class. Is it possible that the teacher doesn't know just how badly the DD is behaving at home, so doesn't know how hard it would be for the OP to make her go back to school? Maybe she was just frustrated about your DD not don't her homework?

It would be a good idea to have a meeting with her so you're on the same page.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 19:39

bish she didn't say that.... as you well know!!

MissEliza · 20/02/2018 19:45

If anyone doubted how hard it is for secondary school teachers, surely this thread is illuminating. I have a 15 year old ds and if a teacher suggested this, I'd be delighted and happily drive him back.
I have two teenagers and neither of them are angels so I have an idea of how shitty it gets but I've never wrung my hands and said 'what can I do!'

greathat · 20/02/2018 19:51

I got called a stupid cow today for trying to hurry along some girls who were 15 mins late for their lesson. The girl got a lunch time detention for it - which she didn't attend....

MrsMozart · 20/02/2018 19:56

Bish - Nope. As OP doesn't either.

ChocolateWombat · 20/02/2018 19:57

I think worrying about how the teacher spoke to you OP is a total red herring here.
Just out of interest, did you mention to DD that you didn't like the teachers words or tone? If so, you have undermined the teacher and encouraged DD to ignore detentions and the school.
If your DD is difficult for you to manage, then that is a difficulty. However schools cannot do all this alone - they absolutely need the support of parents and parents need to take responsibility for providing that support and not just give up.
I would ask to arrange a meeting to go and chat with teachers - not to complain about the teacher but to discuss strategies for moving forward with DD. I would ask the school if there are any outside agencies which might be able to help you in dealing with her too - and if you are serious about moving all this forward, you will get in touch with those agencies and seek some help, rather than seeing such groups as busybodies or an embarrassment to have to consult. They could make a real difference for your family and particularly for your DDs future which to be honest must be more if an issue than feeling a teacher spoke a bit shortly or in a shor manner with you.

Question is, how much do you want to move things forward positively and how willing are you to accept help with this?

BlessYourCottonSocks · 20/02/2018 20:03

Hi OP, I'm a teacher. Have taught teenagers for many years and I agree with you that the teacher was rude and unreasonable. I cannot imagine ever saying 'well you'd better!' to a parent. Yes, teenagers can be rude. Yes, your DD will now have escalated her detention to the next level of sanction, but YANBU to feel that the teacher's attitude was unprofessional.

My best advice would be to ring the school in the morning and ask to speak to someone in SLT. (Senior Leadership Team) Tell them that you were taken aback by the way the teacher spoke to you yesterday - explain that you would like to support the school in their sanctions towards your DD but that you are struggling also with getting her to obey instructions. Ask for their suggestions as to where they would like to go now with ensuring DD complies with the school rules - what are they suggesting as a punishment for skipping detention? And what will be the next step if she fails to do that?

Hope that helps.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 20/02/2018 20:09

You have my sympathy OP. I'm having similar problems with 16 year old ds1 but the school accepted that my hands are tied. Why didn't you ask the teacher how you get a teen back to school? The teacher would have probably backed down when asked how you'd do it.

Your dd is taking advantage of your softness. If she won't give you her phone, take her charger. Even if she storms out with her phone, has she got FindMyiPhone on? Would she even answer a phone call?

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 20:11

Love how teachers just assume we aren't at work/got other children to take to activities/got other commitments etc

We can't all just drop everything

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 20:14

Can we stop blaming the teacher please, she is really not the issue here. It's not her job to teach you how to get your child to school. OP is the parent, the teacher is paid to teach children at a school, not advise on how to get them there.

Thecrabbypatty · 20/02/2018 20:19

There are bodies and pastoral staff that may be able to help but she's clearly a subject teacher just trying help the DD to get some GCSE's. And that requires doing homework!

ChocolateWombat · 20/02/2018 20:38

There seems to be a lot of seeing the school as the 'enemy' on this thread. The school is rude to Op, the school makes a ridiculous request that she bring DD back in, without spelling out how she should do it or providing the means to do it, the parents might be at work or doing other things so the school request is unreasonable.

Many people seem to be struggling to focus on the issue that DD really needs to get her education (perhaps some people aren't so bothered about this) and that school is trying to provide it. They are making contact, so that parents know what is going on....people often complain about a lack of communication, but here they are trying to do it. And the fact is that it is the parents responsibility to not just support the schools approach in theory, but practice too, and to be the parent and find ways to practically make it happen.

It might be hard being a parent to some teenagers. People know that. However it's not good enough to abdicate responsibility. You have to keep looking for ways to move forward and to regain control. Giving up isn't an option, unless you have just accepted that a child will ignore the school rules, you will accept that and the consequences for their education and future.

All this moaning about the school and the teacher - it's hardly the heart of the issue here is it? People who see it as such are avoiding focusing on the real issue of the OP and her daughter - it is seeking to shift blame to the school and to remove responsibility from the parents, by focusing on minor issues such as the tone taken - deciding it was threatening, rather than recognising that an attempt to help the DD is being made.

The conversation wasn't ideal. Move on from that now. Contact the school and look to go for a constructive conversation where you discuss the school approach and ask for advice about bodies which might be able to help you manage DD. It's fine to admit it's hard to get her to do what you want - you told the teacher that already. It's not fine to concede defeat over it....show a fighting spirit and determination to get things sorted both at school and at home.

Sostenueto · 20/02/2018 20:47

I'm afraid I'd be giving my dd a detention myself if she didn't attend the school one and I can assure you she would rather do twenty school ones to my one detention!

Garmadonsmum · 20/02/2018 20:48

Sometimes I really miss Supernanny.

5plusMeAndHim · 20/02/2018 20:54

8Goodness me. All the people who would make the OP's DD behave... hmmconfusedshock*

There must be something wrong with her parenting tpo prodice such a disrespectful madam who she has no control over. I have 4 Dc in their teens and 20s and none of them behaved anything like this and neither do their friends