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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Referring to yourself as a full-time mum

370 replies

tiredmumm · 19/02/2018 10:07

Hi,

I'm just curious as to other people's opinions but I was watching a programme and a contestant referred to themselves as a full-time mum meaning they are a SAHM. AIBU because this really irritates me, I'm currently on Mat leave but when I return to work I will still class myself as a full-time mum as I don't suddenly not become a mum whilst working.

I've heard it so many times where FTM is referred to as though those who work are not.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Tobythecat · 19/02/2018 13:28

I have the utmost respect for mothers who work; these are the women that are actively challenging out-dated stereotypes and also helping women achieve equality.

Until there is an equal number of women to men in the workplace, I don't think women will ever been seen as equal. Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore. If women want true equality, they need a paid job/career.

1ndig0 · 19/02/2018 13:30

Sometimes, if I'm on the phone opening an account etc, and I tell them I'm not in paid employment, they ask if I'm a "housewife." I just say yes, if that's what they need for the purpose of their forms. No need to get worked up about other people's terminology.

LaurieMarlow · 19/02/2018 13:30

I see why it irks. You'd have to be dim or deliberately obtuse not to see that.

It comes down to the fact that being a mother (or father for that matter) is not directly comparable to other employment options. It's not the same as being an accountant, so language shouldn't directly compare the two and/or suggest that doing one is incompatible with doing the other 'full time'.

Being a mother is not the same as being primarily responsible for our children's care at all times. Full time mother confuses this.

I don't think our language is set up for the distinctions and that's a shame. 'Full time carer for my children' is the most accurate descriptor I can come up with, but I get there'd be objections to that too.

I'm no linguist, but I'd love to know if other languages have found better ways of describing this.

1ndig0 · 19/02/2018 13:31

Don't be daft Toby.

Lovesagin · 19/02/2018 13:31

Does it boil down to not wanting our parent status to be defined by how much time we spend with them? I notice a pp who referred to themselves as a full time mum before the kids went to school now doesn't refer to themselves as a part time mum now. Tbf part time mum does sound shit, but if it's merely a description of how much time is spend 'parenting' then why not use it? It's accurate after all if full time mum is accurate in the same way, is it because it sounds shit? Hmm.....

FernLove · 19/02/2018 13:32

I too have the utmost respect for mothers who work. If you want to work do it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. You are not any less of a mother.

Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore
I think that's a bit harsh though.

Spikeyball · 19/02/2018 13:36

I usually now say I am a carer because I hadn't planned to be at home when I had a school aged child.
I think most people say full time mum simply as an alternative to sahm.

LaurieMarlow · 19/02/2018 13:39

Until there is an equal number of women to men in the workplace, I don't think women will ever been seen as equal. Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore. If women want true equality, they need a paid job/career.

That's only if you ascribe to paid employment being the only means of adding value to society. Which is a capitalist/patriarchal construct.

Society needs carers for people who cannot care for themselves (including small children). It is somewhat ridiculous to value this only if its paid work caring for strangers, rather than unpaid caring for kin.

LaurieMarlow · 19/02/2018 13:39

And I say that as a mum who works full time.

HuskyMcClusky · 19/02/2018 13:41

Hear hear, Laurie.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/02/2018 13:51

I am not a full time mum when I am working. I am in between jobs

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 13:55

Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore. If women want true equality, they need a paid job/career

How much time after delivery would you like me back in work?

What exact ly would you like me to do with my disabled child?

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/02/2018 14:00

Until there is an equal number of women to men in the workplace, I don't think women will ever been seen as equal. Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore.

This is, in part, correct. However the other half of the equation is "until there are an equal number of men to women who are seen as/ regard themselves as either the primary or joint carer in their relationships for their children, men and women will never be seen as equal." I am able to work full time because my dh pulls his weight and vice versa.

eurgh2018 · 19/02/2018 14:02

@FernLove I don't judge, each to their own, but I do have a tendency to retaliate when people openly behave like they think they're better than me Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 14:02

Some of us can't work full time even with a partner does so. Life isn't always so simple

coffeeforone · 19/02/2018 14:05

Until there is an equal number of women to men in the workplace, I don't think women will ever been seen as equal. Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore.

I think there are an increasing number of SAHDs which will eventually help with the equality in the workplace issue, once the number of 'full-time'/SAHPs becomes an equal number of men and women.

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/02/2018 14:08

You disagree that men should bear equal responsibility for raising their dc in a societal level Sleeping? Since that was the point I was making. As others have eloquently put it, why don't men describe themselves as full time working fathers?

LaurieMarlow · 19/02/2018 14:10

I think there are an increasing number of SAHDs which will eventually help with the equality in the workplace issue, once the number of 'full-time'/SAHPs becomes an equal number of men and women.

It may be increasing, but my understanding is that it's still absolutely tiny.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 14:15

LittleLionMansMummy no I disagree that every parenting couple can be made up of two working parents. I said not rvery one not every mother / woman

FlatToTheMat · 19/02/2018 14:16

Oh for the love of christ!! "Just doesn't cut it anymore"....that comment made my brain hurt... slow clap for Laurie though...couldn't have said better myself...what absolutely kills me about society these days is why in the name of fuck are people so obsessed with what others are doing with their lives or how they want to label themselves? If it's not hurting anyone or illegal then what about it? Why do labels offend people. If you do what you do and you're happy,content and confident in what you do with your life then what does it matter to you of someone wants to stay at home,work every hour or call themselves a domestic engineer. WHY CARE! If I get offended by something like a label or a title it's normally because it's hitting on an issue I have myself . To proclaim that something just doesn't cut it in 2018 is your opinion,not a fact. You don't make the rules and you certainly don't get to tell another living soul that their life isnt cutting it. If it doesn't cut it for you then do what you want about it in your life and be happy in the knowledge you're making waves as You wanted to do with Your own life. To look down on how anyone else chooses to live and what they do with what time they have on this earth once it's not harmful or illegal is immature and pompus. And this is posted by a mother who works a farm with a kid on her hip and moSt likely a sheep on the other hip and no idea when the working day will end most days. There's a lot to be said for knowing what you bring to the table in life and being confident in what you do. I feel no need to look down or chastise others about how they live,wanna know why??....it's not my business...simples

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/02/2018 14:26

That's not what I said though Sleeping, although I accept I shouldn't have used my own set up as an example. I know there is likely to be disparity between the individuals in a relationship, for whatever their own reasons. But I mean, if it's right for one person to take the lion's share of childcare, why is it more often than not the woman rather than the man? Because men generally earn the bigger salaries. Because women are disadvantaged from the word go, resulting in unequal expectations both at home and in paid employment. Because that's the way society is set up. Why should the onus be on women to take up half the paid salary positions in the workplace, but not on men (collectively, I know individual circumstances are more nuanced than that) to be the ones to undertake childcare responsibilities? Why are men still the higher earners?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2018 14:36

Sorry I was still pissy about the being a sahm doesn't cut it because it means we're not doing our part for woman kind. As though I and many other parents ever had a choice.

And you're right it does normally fall on the woman. How much of that is male expectation, how much female, how much ingrained patriarchy is hard to work out. None of my friends took shared parental leave and it was their choice. None of my friends have ever said they want their partners to drop a day - they've all been really happy to do so. I demanded to be the one who gave up work to care for our child despite me earning more. Does it make it ok because that was pur choice or is it not really our choice because we're merely acting out preconditioned roles?

gillybeanz · 19/02/2018 14:40

Being a full-time mum/housewife in 2018 just doesn't cut it anymore. If women want true equality, they need a paid job/career

Nah, will leave that to you dear, too busy enjoying life, to work.

DuckBilledAardvark · 19/02/2018 14:42

I’m an employed full time SAHM.

It means unemployed
To me unemployed would mean they were seeking employment and not finding it.

LaurieMarlow · 19/02/2018 14:43

How much of that is male expectation, how much female, how much ingrained patriarchy is hard to work out.

Agreed. And unfashionable as it is to bring it up, I don't think we should rule out biological urge either.

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