AIBU to think this child shouldn’t be in my son’s class?

[HicDraconis]

A boy at DS1’s primary school - P - arrived a couple of years ago having been excluded from several other local schools. He was violent and prone to angry rages if things did not go his way. One break time he jumped on DS1’s back and thumped him around the head. DS1 back kicked him off (he’s a brown tip belt in karate) and was taken to the office for observation (possible head injuries) for the afternoon. P has chased another boy through 5 classrooms and thrown a chair at him, smashed up one of the teachers’ laptops (family had to pay to replace it), that kind of thing.

This year DS1 started a new school (year 7, Intermediate, state school for what it’s worth). He sat an entrance exam which got him into the accelerated extension stream - this is a separate class from the rest of year 7 and maxed at 30 pupils.

Surprisingly, P has also been placed in this class as an extra. He can’t keep up with the standard of work, is disruptive and interferes with the ability of the other students to get on with things. When questioned, the head said he was put in that class for reasons of “strategy” - he didn’t sit the screening test but they think he’ll be easier to handle in this particular set.

The class teacher says they’re aware of his back history, that “strategies are in place and they are monitoring the situation carefully”.

When we accepted DS1’s place it was on the understanding that if he couldn’t keep up with the standard of work he’d be put into a different class.

DS1 is apprehensive about the possibility of being hit again. P has already scribbled over a piece of his artwork so far and we’re only a week into the new term. He’s also disrupted the class with bad behaviour, had various verbal warnings and one strike for verbally abusive behaviour.

AIBU to think that they’re doing P a disservice by putting him in a class where he won’t be able to keep up? Surely he’d be better looked after in one of the standard sets with a 1:1 TA (which he had at primary)? AIBU to think that if they were going to increase the class size to 31, the space should have gone to someone who narrowly missed out on the exam scores?

...experiment is

Her son doesn't deserve to be hit. But this happened 6 months ago. At primary school.

I can't believe the OP's husband tried to winkle confidential medical information out of this child's teachers, but apparently that happened.

The OP's own child is her business. If she doesn't want her child in the same class as another child, she should move her child. If another child hurts her child, she should certainly take appropriate, LEGAL action, based on something that actually happened and not based on what she THINKS might happen based on her opinion on the child's ASSUMED home life

It is pointless going down the route of P shouldn't be in my child's class or P should receive a certain punishment or support or P should be in a different school. A school will not have conversations like that with another parent. The conversations need to be about safeguarding your child.

Some posters seem to be missing the point!

It’s NOT acceptable for any child to hit another. SN’s or not.

It’s also NOT acceptable to start a witch hunt and gossip about the boy.

Sounds like an awful place. Like Qvar says, it's all speculation and makes you sound like a mob with pitchforks. 6 months/1 year/2 year? When would be the cut off for giving P a chance?

Fair enough and I take on board the points that P’s needs, home, background and requirements are none of my business. Which they aren’t as long as they don’t affect my son’s education.

DH didn’t so much ask about ODD / SEN as was told about the lack of it during a chat with the previous head about how DS1 was going to be kept safe. He was told P’s background, previous issues, school’s strategy for dealing with it - and the lack of SEN came up in a “he doesn’t have ASD or ODD so we are going with this strategy” comment. Things are a little different in rural NZ where everyone knows everyone else, more or less.

I will stick to worrying solely about DS1. Any incidents which impact on him I will continue to highlight to the teacher and head. It’s all I can do.

DS1 has his own back history and had to be homeschooled when younger after bullying so bad he was broken. He’s more resilient now.

Which they aren’t as long as they don’t affect my son’s education.

You still don't get it

They are none of your business full stop..

Only behaviour towards your son is your business. Nothing else about this child is your business.

Oh and the thumping of DS1 happened at the end of the last school year. So a great deal sooner than 6 months ago - we’ve had 6 weeks holiday since then. I said “less than 6 months ago”. It’s still pretty recent in DS1’s mind.

Qvar if his behaviour means that my son’s education is affected then yes, it is my business. If my son gets thumped again it is my business. If my son has to do the work for both of them again because P refuses to participate in partner work then it’s my business.

Fixed this for you:

Fair enough and I take on board the points that P’s needs, home, background and requirements are none of my business

I can't do strike through so deleted the superfluous sentence.

My honest answer is that I would insist that your DS is moved and moved immediately. The streaming/class ability comes secondary to his physical safety and mental well-being. He's not going to be learning effectively in a class that is regularly disrupted, and if he's had issues in the past, I wouldn't take any chances this time. I would go to the Head and demand something happen. Their strategies are not working and until they are, your DS isn't safe in that environment. Only you can speak up for him.

The best thing for P would be to be kept away from your son because of you. The head wrongly shared info perhaps in an attempt to appeal to your sympathy/compassion.

I don’t think it’s healthy to put a child in a class where he knows he can’t keep up
That poor child
I would complain every single time though , both for your son & for him
It’s not right that either child has to go through this

Do you want P to mess up so you and the other villagers can feel fully vindicated and righteous or do you want to give all the children a chance? Including your son.

I agree with you to an extent. I wouldn't want him in my child's class. Where I disagree is where you and others have said he especially shouldn't be with the top set. Why should children in the lower sets have to put up with this any more than your son? It's up to the teacher to control his behaviour and if not they need to deal with it.

Neep thanks awfully. I don’t believe my sentence was superfluous though. It is my business when my son is affected.

I can’t move him currently, the other classes are full and all his friends are in this one. He doesn’t want to move.

I asked AIBU, got a mix of responses from definitely yes to absolutely not. I therefore think IABU to not give the school a chance to do the best for both DS1 and P and while I’m worried, I will give them and him a chance.

Only behaviour towards your son is your business. Nothing else about this child is your business.

^^^that exactly. You’re only responsibilities are to your child.

Another way of looking at it.

He jumped on your son. Your son used his karate skills to stand up for himself and get him off. Success. Boost of confidence for your son in his resilience and ability to defend himself. You risk disempowerinb your kid and encouraging a victim mindseton your current path.

disempowering victim mindset

Ginger1982
I can't believe people are giving the OP a hard time over this. This boy attacked her son! If someone attacked my son I would feel the same. It's a shame if he has problems but my son's welfare would come first! Surely he shouldn't have been placed in the same class as a child he previously attacked?

Of course her son's welfare comes first to OP, which is why lots of people are saying she should engage with school about that.

It's pure speculation that he would behave better in a lower set and that these 30 children are more impacted than another class would be. Schools don't universally set at this age; the teacher could well be very skilled at differentiating the work and been chosen to have this child in her group because of her excellent behaviour management skills. If she is the best person to have this boy in her set then the whole year group will benefit from his improved behaviour OR ultimately his school place will fail.

No one - absolutely no one - is suggesting OP's son should just put up and shut up. The teacher herself said bring any problems straight to her. The school's job is to ensure every child feels safe and secure, not to move a specific child out of OP's son's group on her say so.

AIBU to think that they’re doing P a disservice by putting him in a class where he won’t be able to keep up? Yes, you are. This is a very effective strategy for some students. It may well not work if the child's issues are as bad as you describe, but you do not have the expertise or information to say it's the wrong strategy.

I’m not the only parent who is unhappy. Who gives a flying fuck? It is not your/their decision to make. Do you argue with your doctor that a different patient got a different treatment to you and you think you should both be given the same?

I might have better grounds for asking about 1:1 in the classroom to keep him occupied No, you really wouldn't.

I do think I have a right to say who shares a space with my son when that child has violently assaulted him less than 6 months ago. You don't, except in so far as you have the right to change his school.

You do have the right to expect that your child is safe in school. SEN are not an excuse for violence. If you child is assaulted you should speak to the school about the response. In the event of an assault, you can also contact the police. Given they can't charge him in NZ, I don't think that's the best plan, unless you really feel the school are doing nothing.

If your child's learning is being disrupted you can speak to the school about the specific issues. There is a risk that the way you come across as having a vendetta against the child mean you are not listened to.

Your worries are entirely understandable, but you should focus on interventions to support YOUR child's learning. It is your job to defend your child's interest, but your expectations are unreasonable. You cannot make the school move this other child.

If the head saw fit to discuss the childs lack of sen with another parent you will probably find the school is shit and THAT will be the reason why all these issues are occurring.

I'm interested to know how you know that this child can't 'keep up'? Having behaviour issues doesn't mean he's not bright, he could easily be a very clever boy. Perhaps hes very gifted but his school/ teachers have never provided challenges to meet his needs? Perhaps boredom has made any behaviour issue worse? I don't think it's fair to assume he's come from a chaotic background just because he doesn't live with his parents either. We don't know enough about his situation and as others have said it's none of our business anyway. Also, the head teacher that your husband spoke to may have said there are no 'issues' but that doesn't make it true, he's not allowed to tell you confidential information about this child.