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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jo Cox's Husband

336 replies

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 18/02/2018 08:15

I was really shocked and depressed to see this. It feels like an epidemic:

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/jo-cox-husband-brendan-cox-step-down-charity-a8215951.html%3famp

He's said some things about hatred since losing his wife that were so right - but now this has come out.

It's hard not to think all men are the problem when these stories are so frequent, even though I know that's not true from the lovely men in my own life!! I'm trying to see it as a positive thing that more women are being encouraged to report these things and that's why it's in the news more, as maybe that will help younger generations of boys to grow up NOT thinking it's ok to assault women.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 18/02/2018 13:38

What I find most depressing is that these allegations about BC at StC have been public for years. He wasn’t sacked for misconduct, they let him resign. And so his life carries on unpunished until he decides to admit it.

Why didn’t StC hold him to account? Why didn’t future employers take it into account? Do we have to rely on men like him admitting sexual harassment in order for there to be justice.

Finola1step · 18/02/2018 13:45

I met him once. Had a long convo with him. He struck me as quite an intense person who likes to dominate conversations but with a veneer of reasonableness to smooth his bluntness. A man who expects to take charge but has learnt how to hide it behind his right on, nice guy persona.

I felt a tad uncomfortable in his presence. I was not surprised when I read the allegations nor am I surprised by his passive aggressive comments.

manandbeast · 18/02/2018 13:54

@Aeroflot girl, you seem to believe that women are somehow intrinsically better than men. How do you explain the impact of Margaret Thatcher on this country, and in particular the poorest families in this country? It seems to me that the reason men’s impact has been more negative than women’s is because so far men have held all of the power. How can you be so certain that as that balance changes, women’s impact will be preferable? Margaret Thatcher, Theresa May and even An Sung Su Chi would suggest you are wrong (in my opinion). I think that power corrupts and that it corrupts women as much as men.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 14:04

Of course women are capable of being awful, vile, that has been well covered on this thread.

It doesn't change the fact that when it comes to sexual offences and sexual misconduct of all types all over the world, the perpetrators are most defiitely predominantly male.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 14:06

And the idea that women might be as bad as men therefore they shouldn't be put in positons where they could abuse, let's leave the men there to carry on as they are is, I don't know what it is.

So when it comes to sexual misconduct, for example in the recent oxfam example, it's all men. An idea might be to have women there instead, on the basis that women don't tend to sexually exploit people, at least nowhere near the amount that men do. This seems to feel very threatening to some people for some reason, and they say, no, you must never do that, because the women might end up just as bad, although all evidence points to them not being...

RoseWhiteTips · 18/02/2018 14:13

From hero to zero.

RoseWhiteTips · 18/02/2018 14:14

UpABitLate

Of course women are capable of being awful, vile, that has been well covered on this thread.

It doesn't change the fact that when it comes to sexual offences and sexual misconduct of all types all over the world, the perpetrators are most defiitely predominantly male.

Agreed. It is utterly pointless to dispute this.

stitchglitched · 18/02/2018 14:14

Women are often in positions of power over children- they are more likely to work in childcare, be the main carer, 90% of single parents are women. Yet at last count only 126 sex offenders in UK prisons were women (or identified as such) and 13,808 were men. Why aren't women using their power and abusing children in large numbers then? Why do people insist on pretending that this is somehow a sex-neutral issue?

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/02/2018 14:19

@manandbeast your post is SO poorly considered and ill thought out, it is laughable.

Can we SERIOUSLY compare Theresa May, who is only there because a MAN put us into Brexit then bailed when it didn't go his way, to someone like Corbyn (a mysognistic, nazi sympathising brexitier?)

Are you a man? You write on the defensive, attacking women and suggesting the "status quo" remains the same, as some women COULD be as bad as men.... Hmm

If you are a woman, please PM me, and explain to me why you think like you do? I am fascinated as to why some women hate all women.....

TheAntiBoop · 18/02/2018 14:20

Why do these threads always get derailed by WDIT?

Perhaps if men stopped trying to deflect and actually took a hard look at other men's behaviour there may be less patience for unacceptable behaviour

The men behaving badly are undoubtedly a minority but it is the majority who turn a blind eye that need to accept their role in this. bad things happen when good people look on and do nothing

derxa · 18/02/2018 14:21

It doesn't change the fact that when it comes to sexual offences and sexual misconduct of all types all over the world, the perpetrators are most defiitely predominantly male. This is true. And I'm glad rocks are being turned over to expose the slugs underneath. I'm not one of the 'hate men' crowd but since the Harvey W. scandal broke there has been a real change in public opinion. Men can't get away with sexual harrassment the way they did before without public condemnation. Whether this lasts or not I don't know.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 14:22

I do suspect that there's under-reporting of child abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if there was more physical / emotional abuse / cruelty than we know about.

Sexual abuse though - does seem to be something that is of primary interest to men, and very low down the list if present at all for women.

When men want to hurt someone they often use sexual degredation as a method - straight men will sexually abuse other men as an expression of power. Nature or nurture I don't know, but it does seem to be there. The level of violence and degredation standard in het porn supports this.

For men sex and violence seem to be very intrinsically linked, and also generally they are socialised to believe they can have whatever they want and also to see women / children as not full people...

This Cox man, he doesn't seem to have given any real consideration to how his actions affected the women, it's all about him still.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 18/02/2018 14:23

Upabitlate.

The re waste a massive report done recently, the writer said if we the public knew how much abuse went on we would be horrified. It was the one into government abuse, etc. Its deep and wide spread.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 14:24

TheAntiBoop yes agree.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/02/2018 14:25

And I do not believe women are intrinsically better than men, but (possibly naively) I do believe women have more empathy and consideration for the greater good of society.

Maybe its the "nurturer" (apparently) hardwired in women's DNA, vs the "survival of the fittest" which may be found in men's? Or it could be societal conditioning which women have been subjected to over millennia.....

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 14:25

Seriously - yes

A lot of poeple want the rock to stay down, and are happy to see women and children (and men) sexually exploted, raped, worse, to maintain the status quo and uphold the veneer of civilisation.

derxa · 18/02/2018 14:26

Can you actually imagine Theresa May, Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Harriet Harman sexually harrassing anyone or indeed having affairs? Whatever you think of their politics they are/were serious minded women who are only interested in politics.

derxa · 18/02/2018 14:30

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse_by_UN_peacekeepers
It's a disgrace.

Pumperthepumper · 18/02/2018 14:30

Men can't get away with sexual harrassment the way they did before without public condemnation.

Definitely, and I so hope it continues - or maybe even makes them think twice before doing it in the first place!

With Brendan Cox, I’m not really sure what to say. He seemed like a nice, well-meaning man but I’m not particularly shocked that he’s yet another creep, there’s just so many of them about. It’s the scale of the thing (the thing being sexual harassment by public figures) that I find overwhelming - but again, not particularly surprising.

PerfectlyDone · 18/02/2018 14:30

Why does this kind of a discussion always end up focussing on individuals? Confused

Nobody is debating that there have been vile women, historically and currently.
Nobody is saying ALL men sexually assault others, usually women.

Overall the numbers of male vs female sexual predators are simply overwhelming - why does this need explaining?! Honestly...

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/02/2018 14:36

@PerfectlyDone, because it is easy for a man/woman to name a few evil, morally corrupt women, who commit despicable acts of horror. at this point in time, it is almost easier to name the men, in the public eye, who HAVEN'T behaved badly.

(Obviously I am massively exaggerating, but I am trying to make a pertinent point!)

Kikashi · 18/02/2018 14:37

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/jo-cox-husband-brendan-sister-supports-sexual-harassment-allegations-a8216271.html

Jo Cox's sister is standing by BC. I think the family are in a difficult position as their first concern is probably for Jo Cox's children. If they cut off BC they could lose contact with the children. The sister is also employed by the charity foundation (as was Cox who is stepping down for now) which also complicates things.

There is a really deep and nasty current of misogyny and wandering hands/entitlement in charity and left wing organisations IME (from 1980 onwards)

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/02/2018 14:41

I feel for Jo Cox's family - what a horrid and difficult position he has put them in.
If only he had considered them, his work colleagues, his wife Jo, and their children when he had his hands around that woman's throat.....

manandbeast · 18/02/2018 15:01

@frankinderwoodswife

I am a woman and a member of The Fawcett Society.

I was responding to Aeroflot girl’s post: woulden't the world be a better place if women where in power or there were just women. I know that there are decent men about, but most of the decline in the world is due to men. Wars, fighting, abuse, rape, environmental issues. The individuals making the major decsions are usually men.

Yes most of the decline in the world can be ascribed to men, but so can’t most of the achievements. Is that down to something intrinsically make it female, no. It’s down to the fact that historically men have been in power & therefore had the power to do both good and bad. How can we know yet how women would behave? We don’t but the few examples of women who have reached powerful positions don’t give me that much comfort.

I don’t hate women, I don’t hate men and I definitely think there is a bed for a far more nuanced POV than the one Aeroflot girl put forward, which is what I was responding to.

manandbeast · 18/02/2018 15:02

The text after the colon above is a direct quote from Aeroflot girl, not my opinion. I didn’t bold it.!