to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

Hey, hope today went well... hoping your daughter is feeling ok, and a bit better about it all.

Dear Followers...

I went in, armed with nothing but an excerpt from 'Keeping Children Safe in Education' and school reports. I decided to keep it friendly and as non-confrontational as possible to allow the school to actually redeem themselves if they could. I'd like to cause DD as little upset as possible.

Of course, it was two against one, but I'm not intimidated by that. Head and Deputy (who's also in charge of pastoral care).

I was relaxed and calm, but at times let my inner crossness show through.

We aren't the first parents to complain about R, evidently. R is also not at risk for suicide OR self harm, she just tells people that to get attention. She had not been running away the day she took up DD's revision time, she'd been at home the whole time.

School said:

1. They'd investigate the way the teachers asked my daughter to look after R.
2. They'd think about ways forward to separate them, but it would be difficult.
3. They would immediately tell DD she was not responsible for R.
4. The school counsellor would next week (DD in GCSE mocks this week) give DD coping strategies for cutting off R.

During the discussion, I did mention a Spanish trip that ended in students scoring and selling drugs and DD's refusal to go, because she would have been roomed with the girls doing the scoring and selling. I mentioned this for two reasons, one of which was to just remind them that I had a bit of power in this relationship and secondly to underscore DD's sensible nature and ability to protect herself. I then reiterated that this ability had been actively undermined by the school. Unbelievably, Head then said, 'I wish she had gone, she would have been a steadying influence.' I just gave him a look at the time, but this will appear in follow up email - clearly this strategy of using 'sensible' children as buffers between staff and less sensible children is engrained.

I also mentioned that I'd just started putting two and two together about the root causes of DD's anxiety when Barrister Best Mate, who knows a bit about child protection, mentioned duty of care and safeguarding. That was quite satisfying. I was all wide-eyed innocence, but they looked as if I'd gut punched them. Cue both suits scribbling like hell in notebook.

When I mentioned that I'd been asking for help with exam anxiety for a year, many scribbles again.

However, at the end of the day, DD reported that someone had COME INTO HER MOCK EXAM to deliver a note to speak to the person who'd not been helping with her exam anxiety, so that the person could talk to her in the break. When this person spoke to DD, they suggested that if we didn't want to pay fees at Current School, we should go to a Slightly Cheaper School for A Levels and then began debating with DD about how many A Levels she should attempt. You can imagine how useful DD found this.

DD so upset that I lost my afternoon of work, driving in to pick her up early. AGAIN.

Deputy Head (suit no. two in meeting) caught DD after lunch and told her that she should make new friends and not feel responsible for R.

I'm still waiting for the follow up email they promised and am not terribly impressed so far. Tempted to home school with tutors and just sit exams there, if possible, and not pay next terms fees...wondering if such a deal can be struck.

Also wondering where the spears from Black Panther might be purchased IRL, but I'm sure I'll get over that urge.

Have not worked all day and have to prepare for big debate in front of 200 people tomorrow night, after giving an MA seminar not in my own subject (joy), but plan to draft email with notes of meeting before I hit the hay, ready to send. If they don't send me their email by noon tomorrow, I'll send mine.

I have also told DD that I forbid her from associating with R. She says she'll need to tail it off in her own time and not to stress her out about it. I said that I'm drawing a line and will give her time to sort it, but that after that, I will release my inner dragon.

Any further coaching, brickbats, explanation of why I'm rubbish, cheerleading, etc, very welcome. Still feel rather despairing.

Many thanks
OP

Well done you!! You did well to stay calm when faced with 2-v-1.

However, at the end of the day, DD reported that someone had COME INTO HER MOCK EXAM to deliver a note to speak to the person who'd not been helping with her exam anxiety, so that the person could talk to her in the break. When this person spoke to DD, they suggested that if we didn't want to pay fees at Current School, we should go to a Slightly Cheaper School for A Levels and then began debating with DD about how many A Levels she should attempt. You can imagine how useful DD found this.

That makes it time to speak to the governors imo.

They obviously have absolutely no fucking clue about supporting pupils whatsoever.

Also We aren't the first parents to complain about R, evidently. R is also not at risk for suicide OR self harm, she just tells people that to get attention. She had not been running away the day she took up DD's revision time, she'd been at home the whole time - this is not information you should have been given. R's situation is none of your business.

However, it does beg the question why they are pulling your DD out of classes if they believe R is just attention seeking?

None of your business sounded harsh - R is entitled to confidentiality is what I meant. And her situation isn't relevant. Regardless of why she is being allowed to latch to your daughter she shouldn't be.

The spoke to her in an exam break and implied you couldn’t afford the fees?

I’d be taking that further.

Sounds like you did well but the school have behaved appallingly. I’d take this round the head to the governors and complain about the heads response and the fact they interrupted your DD’s mocks in that way.

You've done so well. You should so proud of yourself for making your point. I'm sure there will be follow up etc, but many would have given up long ago.

I agree with strawberry penguin and thistlebelle. I would raise it with the governors, as the use of "sensible" pupils to manage difficult pupils is an engrained part of the senior managment team culture and I would raise disclosing information they gave your about R which they probably shouldn't but can understand why they might do it. But how do they know she is not suicidal by the way.
The intervention in the mock exam , and the discussion about going to a cheaper school for A levels were completely out of order. As a fee paying parent, ( even with a bursary) you make the decsions about what you can afford and you need to point out that they should not be discussing finances with your child

Op YOU did very well, not sure I'd have kept as calm as you did. (Translation - several points where I'd prob have lost my shit with them!!)

They'd think about ways forward to separate them, but it would be difficult tough! That's their job! Man they sound lazy.

"I wish she had gone, she would have been a steadying influence." It's not her place to be a steadying influence.

"but they looked as if I'd gut punched them." Good!!

"if we didn't want to pay fees at Current School, we should go to a Slightly Cheaper School for A Levels and then began debating with DD about how many A Levels she should attempt." Wow! Where is the bursary from? Bet they'd be VERY interested to hear how a bursary student is being treated by this school. Maybe if they stop receiving fees from bursary students they might rethink? Money talks.

I agree with pps - they sound lazy, incompetent to the point of dangerous, time to take it higher.

I'm not familiar with private schools now do they have to be registered with ofsted or similar? I'm guessing yes which is another route I'd be going.

R's private health and your finances should not have been disclosed/discussed the way they were.

‘clearly this strategy of using 'sensible' children as buffers between staff and less sensible children is engrained’

I can’t believe they actually said that after your reasons for speaking to them in the first place! School sound awful, the initial issue is one thing but I can’t believe the response.

Well, email came and I replied. I'm afraid the friendliness is now gone - they've blown their chance to deal with it effective and have pretty much tried to shovel the whole mess back onto DD's slim shoulders.

My reply was fair but extremely clear. I feel the problem with making students do adult work is endemic in the school and had no problem saying so. I also copied in my mate, the barrister.

Shit is now getting real... and I agree, governors next.

Thanks again
OP

Shocking response from the school!

Keep your barrister friend in the loop, they could be very useful.

I don’t know if this has already been suggested, but I’d try and record, as best you can, everything that has happened, and when. Also print off all emails between you and the school about this.

Your DD's very lucky to have you fighting her corner. Good luck.

I realise I'm coming in late on this but I am appalled at how your DD has been treated. I taught in state rather than private education and this tactic of using one student to support another was sometimes used. I was never particularly comfortable with it and made sure that the supporter was clear that they could walk away at any time.

I am starting to think that public schools are particularly awful at pastoral care, I have heard so many horror stories. Personally, although it would be irritating to let them get away with it, I think I would withdraw her. You can't trust them to do the right thing.

If you decide against that (and I would understand why you might), please make sure you are keeping full records of EVERYTHING that is said. Get your DD to write things down in front of them when they speak to her (she might find that quietly satisfying if nothing else). Pass it all to the governors and if the response doesn't become more reasonable then consider making public the stories of drugs and hopeless pastoral care.

I knew that it was about your DD getting a bursary. And I bet you £20 that R's parents are wealthy. And are - if some private schools I know are anything to go by - bunging the school extra £££ to keep R's behaviour under wraps and get her through. There's probably promises of funding a new dorm or sports equipment. I know that sounds horribly cynical but I've seen it happen.

It's disgusting behaviour and you sound like you're dealing with it brilliantly. Agree that governors and a very clear record of what's happened when is important.

Omg! Cheeky bastards!!

Yes, time shit got VERY real FOR THEM!

OP, I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but I applaud you for your ability to not lose your shit as I would have went in all guns blazing and came out with a restraining order or something.

Definitely escalate this to governors.

When this person spoke to DD, they suggested that if we didn't want to pay fees at Current School, we should go to a Slightly Cheaper School for A Levels
My face when reading this. Perhaps slightly cheaper school would have better measures to safeguard ALL their children, wouldn't expect children to do the work of their incompetent staff and have a professional who can actually focus on their jobs of assisting the children with exam anxiety, rather than passing off their own failings as an underhanded put down (for no apparent reason)

For safeguarding concerns Ofsted or the DfE may be interested. I remember a private school was shut down for safeguarding reasons.

Time.
To.
Cut.
A.
Bitch.

OP attack.

Ofsted have no jurisdiction over private schools but the ISI and DfE might be interested.

They sound absolutely awful op.

I really don’t want to offend anyone as they teachers I know are brilliant (the ones I had at school less so): but to an extent you prepare yourself to accept that there might be some dodgy characters or policies in state funded schools. I went through quite a bit of shit.

But you’re directly paying for this absolute farce of a system. It sounds like they feel that they’re doing you some sort of favour

When this person spoke to DD, they suggested that if we didn't want to pay fees at Current School, we should go to a Slightly Cheaper School for A Levels

Funny I was going to suggest taking her out for alevels.

Forget the principle of the thing what is she getting out of this school?

No friendships. Her education disrupted. Her self confidence in tatters. A nervous wreck. For a spoilt whom her teachers know full well she threatens suicide just to get attention.

Why didnt you take her phone off her and hang it up and confiscate it rather than allow this girl to ruin your dds revision time?

As for the drug incident in Spain do they know what would have happened if they had been arrested abroad?

Get her out after gcses. It's not working. Forget the principle of the thing, it's a toxic environment.

She'd be better off in a comprehensive.

Personally I’d request another meeting with head , lawyer and whoever spoke to your diaghter for them to confirm their understanding that a bursary was a responsibility to prioritise acting as an unfit and unpaid counsellor to fellow student with additional needs.

I'd go back to the school and tell them how this "responsibility" to look after her is not on.

Why should your dd suffer because the school won't do what they should do and care for their students.

Shocking school, yiu would want dd out of there anyway. Wtaf, what's this got to do with you affording fees, trying to wheel you out of the way as yiur getting too noisy. Good on yiu girl standing up for dd, I am so pleased, sounds like a dreadful school.