to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

It enrages me when schools do this. It's far more common than people realise I think (I work in education and butt heads with head teachers over issues like this quite frequently).

Tips for your meeting -

Take a notepad and pen. Make notes throughout.
At the front of your notepad write down a few phrases/things that you want to say in case you forget or get flustered.
At the back write down examples - your DD being pulled from class, what the house mistress said.

Expect them to turn the conversation to R - put them back on track every time "...I'm sure that's difficult for R, but I'm here to talk about DDName."

If they tell you anything too detailed about R then I'd interrupt with "That is not relevant to DDName, and I don't want to know R's confidential information."

You need to reiterate to them a lot that your DD is a child. R is a child. The ADULTS involved in R's care need to be looking after R. Your DD is at the school as a pupil and to learn, not to be a stand-in adult.

If they mention things that are for R's benefit point out "That is unacceptable as that is not in DDName best interests".

Hope your awesome DD managed to extricate herself from R and that R gets the professional help she needs! Bloody school

Another one who had a friend like this in school 100 years ago. Also a school with boarding facilities, although we weren't boarding when I first arrived at the school. I gave her far more of my emotional energy than I could. She actually called off the friendship when we were about the age your DD is now. Up until that point she had been similarly heavily dependent on me and school had enabled it. My dad was then relocated again and I was given the choice of going or staying. I chose to stay, which was absolutely the right decision for me, but I did have a hard time adjusting to my family being on the other side of the world. Cue friend deciding she could not possibly be my friend anymore because she could not be expected to provide me with emotional support it's hilarious now, but I was distraught at the time. But I wouldn't have got out of that friendship if it wasn't for that. You are absolutely doing the right thing taking this further. Your DD is too young to have so much weight on her shoulders.

Something similar happened to my SIL when she was at university (so older and less vulnerable than your DD). She ended u falling very ill and had to take a year out. The ‘friend’ kept calling and had to be told in no uncertain terms no leave SIL alone. Luckily she had left by the time SIL returned.

You must step in OP. Your DD can’t be held responsible for this other girl and has to be given space to grow and develop other friendships. Don’t let this continue OP, for your daughter’s sake.

The fact that your daughter was doing better mood and grades wise when she had some distance from this girl says it all really. Definitely echo all the advice above, and would absolutely be furious at your dd being pulled out of class to cope with this girl!

This is appalling. Your poor Ds. She sounds lovely. I would be going in and making it very clear that your daughter is not s trained counsellor and should not be involved at all. She had ended the friendship, that was her choice, she should no way be forced to restart it as some free mental labourer

Nothing to add of any real advice, but just wanted to say that your dd sounds awesome. I'm certain that as soon as this is sorted out properly by the school (here's hoping) she will fly.

My own dd and her friend are sometimes asked to provide a 'caring' role to pupils that are struggling, but it's more of an 'keep an eye out' thing and my dd is happy to be asked. It's never got to these ridiculous heights.

Please let us know how you get on. I'd love to know when your dd's happier.

I 1000% agree with the daily.

I would also add that you feel it is best for DD to end the friendship and as her mother you wish to school to help facilitate this separation. You welcome a meeting to discuss all matters.

Cross me and on Monday morning you’ll have the Mumsnet Mums forming a barrier around DD any where she goes. You have been warned. 🖕🏻

Keep repeating the words safeguard and duty of care - they hate those words.

I'm also a bit and at the advice Parentline gave you.

Thank goodness for MN.

My dd has a tendency to take on a mothering role in her friendships. She is a lovely caring empathetic person, but like the OP's dd can take on much too much and cause her anxiety to spike.

Most of her friendships have ebbs and flows so dd isn't always the one giving, but one very troubled friend has behaved in a similar way to 'R'. When they were both younger it was a bit easier as dd immediately turned to us when for example the friend ran away from home and needed rescuing from an isolated spot. I went and picked her up, got her to ring her guardians (the friend didn't live with her parents who were addicts and I suspect neglected if not abused her) and hung on to her until things were at least OKish.

Things got trickier as dd got older as she felt she should be able to be the fixer (and the friend's mental health deteriorated and their behaviour got more problematic). She too had 'you are the only one who can help me' and the 'I'm going to kill myself' calls, neither of which she was equipped to deal with. I coached dd to refer to adults, we found out where help could be accessed from and then dd was able to say to her friend that she needed to talk to the school counselor, see a GP, go to the hospital etc instead of trying to be her therapist. With the suicide threats I told dd that if she really thought they were credible then she should tell the friend she'd call emergency services as that's what an adult would do in the same circumstances, and that there was nothing dd could do herself because she was a child (dd was probably 15/16 at this point).

Then the friend started to do things dd thought were unethical and so she was able to reduce contact herself without feeling responsible. It was all very tricky, and that's without school adding pressure.

The one other thing I'd bring up in your conversation with the head OP is that you have told your dd she is not to get too involved and always refer 'R' back to school resources. That might help reinforce that your dd will not be helping 'R' beyond normal friendship type conversation, and that the responsibility at school belongs to school.

A similar thing happened when I was 15 a friend attempted suicide. Only me, my other friend and the girl herself knew as we found her. My friend and I were never made to feel responsible, our parents and the school took the burden away from us. This was early 90s and was dealt with better than your poor dd is being treated. God I would be furious in your shoes.

Defo agree with Dailmaillovesletter plus the additional paragraph about the house mistress from Genius.
Also meeting with HM- leave message on answer machine over the weekend. Make the point about the House mistress emotional blackmail loud and clear. Point out the DD missed the revision session you had paid for because of R's phonecalls ( I would ask for a refund!)
If no joy - go to governors. If the school is a charity there will be govenors and one will have a resonsibility for Safeguarding. The school is failing on the safeguarding for both girls.
Hopefully R's parents are involved- but they may be in denial ( DC has this very issue with Uni friend, her parents reward her for NOT taking medication- but DC and friends end up dealing with her episodes of failing MH. I am seriously fed up with impact it is having on the others who share a house with her )
to you both

The school should be looking after r. Not your dd. Make it clear she will not be her in school mother at detrimental effect to her self and she won't be looking after r any more

It might help to give your DD permission to say no, so if she gets taken out of class to help R she can just say no, I’m not going or if R sits next to her in class she can get up and move. Sometimes just having someone tell you it’s ok to say no can make you feel better.

The only time I got called out of class to help another student was when my sibling had a concussion in PE and I had to accompany him in an ambulance to A&E because my parents couldn’t get to school fast enough and had to meet us at the hospital, I can’t think of any other reason that would be acceptable to take a student out of class to help another student.

Excellent point from SDTG about the House Mistress.

To those saying just go in, sometimes it's easier to set the scene with a letter - especially if you are being dismissed and fobbed off. Apart from anything else it creates a clear audit trail and when you do have a face to face meeting, it gives you something to reference if you feel you are struggling with the conversation.

Send mail's letter and take a copy when they ask you to come in.

Make notes before you go in with bullet points keeping you on track.

You know this, i'm sure, but i want to help! :)

I'd be fucking raging about this.
for your DD.

My DD has a close friend A whose mental health took a big dive in year 11. Fortunately my DD was in a close group of 3 with this girl, so the load was shared between 2, but unbeknownst to us for a long time A was self-harming, creating drama and messaging suicide threats to my DD and the other friend E at all hours of the day & night. This went on until my DD and E got so personally drawn in and upset by it all (both have their own anxiety demons) that they finally spoke up and told me and E's Mum what was going on. Again - all 3 were amongst the high achievers in their year, it's very common with such girls apparently.

We went to the school with this and here's the difference. We are lucky that the school (a normal comp) has excellent pastoral care. They put support in place for A and also put the right support in place for my DD and E to maintain their friendship with A without feeling they had to shoulder the burden of her problems. A's parents were fully involved in this and lines of communication were put in place so that parents and children (and they are still children, who are not emotionally equipped to deal with such frightening intensity of issues) had a point of contact who knew all about it and could deal with anything that came up. My DD and E were explicitly told that they had done a brilliant job and congratulated for asking for help when it had got too much, being kind and supportive friends, but it was made clear that this was not their problem to fix. A fell out with them for a short while for telling her secrets, but so be it. Everyone felt listened to, supported and as if they mattered.

The good news is that, 2 years on, A is much much better and the girls are now close friends again with a much more mature relationship at 18. I couldn't fault the school for the sensitive way they dealt with it at the time. It's not rocket science.

I don't think I can offer better advice than you've had on the meeting or letter, but I would block this girls number on your dd's phone or tell your dd to ignore all texts and calls and tell her 'friend' you have confiscated her phone or take it off her so she can study.

Bloody big hugs to you Doctorwhosit and you Doctorwhosit's DD. It is absolutely so far out of line what the school are expecting! Supporting someone with serious mental health issues is a massive job and not one that anyone should be forced to take on - certainly not someone so young who has already become massively stressed by it. It's the school's job to step up and support R, not yours. They need to get their act together and do they job, not make you do it. I hope things start looking up for you once you can step away from R.

do their job - clearly typing is not my forte tonight :)

Your DD has been massively failed here op.

I can't add anything to the Excellent coaching prep you've been given here, but your DD should NEVER have been put in this position.

No good friend is responsible for another's emotional well-being to the detriment of their own! Child nor adult!

Your dd is 15. What do they intend to do in the future, send this girl wherever your dd goes and insist she takes care of her there? They need to formulate a plan for her now that is not dependent on another student. I hate it when schools turn girls into unpaid TAs.

Good luck with the head. I find it monstrous that your dd managed to extricate herself so successfully and enjoyed the fruits of that: less anxiety, better sleep, better grades only to be sucked back in. It is pure laziness on the schools part & she has been put under the most awful emotional pressure. She must be allowed to separate from this girl as the ex-boyfriend has been allowed to . Best of luck.

I worked on a cruise ship once years ago and a similarish situation cropped up.

One of the girls said she was depressed / anxious / and had an eating disorder and instead of sending her home for help they needed to keep her instead of the hassle of replacing.

They asked her who made her feel better , who could she talk to and she said my boyfriend! He was then pulled out of whatever if she reported she was feeling low. It was a fucking ridiculous situation and I feel she played on it all.

Your daughter is not a counsellor, not responsible for keeping someone else happy and it's disgusting teachers are putting this on her