to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

I know í don't know you but this situation is so similar to something that happened to my cousin's DD.

The school, also a private school, handled it in exactly the same wrong way as well.

I don't see my cousin often enough to know all the details but she had to speak to the school on more than one occasion and her DD left the school after her GCSEs in part due to this.

Please firmly tell the school that your DD has no responsibility for R and you insist that she is allowed to keep her distance from her.

Dear Headmaster,

I am extremely concerned about and her 'friendship' with as this appears to have reached a point where R's mental health and stability is reliant upon DD's support. I am particularly concerned that the school appears to be asking DD to support R - to the point that she has been taken out of class on two separate occasions to support R and "calm her down".

I am sure you will agree that this is not a healthy dynamic for either of them and that it is not appropriate for DD, at age 15, to be tasked with the responsibility of providing pastoral care to another troubled teenager. This has come to a head as DD is now presenting with anxiety issues of her own - for which we have seen a GP. Additionally her grades, sleep and overall stability are suffering. The school has a duty of care towards my daughter as well as R; not prioritising one at the expense of the welfare of the other.

I would assume that R's own parents are of course already working with the school with regard's to their own daughter's welfare. Therefore I would like you to contact me to discuss what plans the school intend to put in place to safeguard DD and protect her from an association which has now reached a stage where it is having a detrimental effect on her mental health.

Sincerely,
Doctor

dear Fuckwit would work for me, but maybe just for the first draft :)

If I wasn't already married, would now propose to TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally. I am an author and teach folks how to write, I'm even a consultant and go into companies to help them communicate more effectively. However, I am currently all in a doo-dah and this is absolutely blooming perfect. Thank you, and thank you all again.

Dear

I am writing to enquire why my daughters mental health is less of a priority to you than that of other students, and why she is being pressured to detrimentally sacrifice her own well being in lieu of another student having adult, qualified support?.

Then list examples

YANBU and the school are taking the piss.

Your DD sounds very mature and caring and the school are taking advantage of this. They are also failing her - pastorally and academically. They are also failing R, by perpetuating her dependency on your DD.

What kind of shit-for-brains makes a 15 year-old feel responsible for the mental wellbeing of one of her peers with MH problems?

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this is a repeat, but regardless of whether this is a private or state school R is clearly a child in need and should have had a safeguarding referral to the local authority. It is the school’s legal duty to safeguard R, your DD and all other kids. Ask to see their safeguarding policy and referrals protocol, ask who their safeguarding lead is, as why they haven’t contacted you about DD’s falling grades. Tell them you will be contacting ofsted/the independent schools inspectorate about your daughter being withdrawn from the national curriculum and mandatory teaching to provide safeguarding to another child.

And then do contact them. This school have failed seriously and a big overhaul is needed - what if R had made an attempt on her life? Absolutely appalling from the school.

Yes you need to call as well and ask for a face to face meeting with the headteacher, not her minions. I would certainly be going elsewhere for A levels, do not stay there.

both the girls are being badly served by the school. Your daughter sounds lovely and caring, but someone(probably not you because you are her mother and know NOTHING!!) needs to explain to her that while she has been a great friend and an enormous support for R in the past, R is now in a very bad way, in a fragile state ,and needs professional help and support which your dd is not equipped to provide.

The school needs to step up its safeguarding processes and ensure that both girls are seen as having unfortunately connected but very different needs.

OP good luck. Go for a face to face meeting with all the notes and dates and quotes from your daughter you have. The whole thing seems unbelievable. What school state or private would load a 15 year old with care for another to the detriment of them both?

Op, you've had some good advice here.

You know how on a plane the safety demonstration tells you to get your own oxygen mask working before helping others? Your DD needs to learn to put herself and her needs first. Do think seriously about changing schools after the GCSEs as it sounds like the pastoral and safeguarding is lacking there. Academic excellence doesn't mean a thing if the students are stressed and miserable in a school.

Dailymailloves has got it right, (writing that sentence made me feel grubby )

But I would amend the last para slightly to read:
Therefore I would like you to contact me to arrange a meeting as soon as possible and discuss what plans the school will put in place to safeguard DD and protect her from an association which has now reached a stage where it is having a detrimental effect on her mental health.

We are already out of there and she'll go into a very diverse (voluntary aided) A-Level college with great stats and even better pastoral care, less than two miles away. Daughter did grow in confidence and reach more of her potential there, but I've not been impressed lately for all kinds of reasons (cough, drugs) and the teaching at this level hasn't been as uniformly good as at KS3 (cough, paying for chemistry tuition). Don't even get me started on how bl**dy hockey re-injured DD's torn abductor (three damn times) and how I was totally bullied into her still doing hockey after the first and second time: goodbye ballet. While DD was happy, I was happy. But now I am totes fed up. Thanks again for helping me realise it's not just me. I heart everybody on this thread.

From experience, you may normally be great at meetings but when its about your child it can be surprisingly different.
He will probably be defensive so just stick the facts. He might bring up a random complaint about DD to throw you, in which case - "the issue we are here to discuss is..." Confirm who you are meeting with. I thought I was meeting the Head but had the Head plus 3 which was intimidating. Bring OH You may not get everything you want so List specific things you want to achieve. It's really about what your daughter needs, so don't let him go on about R to sidetrack you. If you feel afterwards you didnt get the point across its fine to follow up with email. Also. You have to get an agreement that the Head will handle this with delicacy, not a sledgehammer and insist that your conversation with him be treated with confidentiality.
I think your DD has been put in a dreadful position, R is consciously or unconsciously using victim status to manipulate and its really working for her too. I too feel sorry for R but your DD, because she is so nice and kind, is being coerced by the school into supporting that, whilst being cut off from making other friends by R.
The school is showing poor judgement, poor management and cannot prioritise one child over another.
Wishing you and your DD the very very best of luck. It will take a lot of courage on your DD's part. Tell your DD it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks about her actions or her dealings with R, she has to prioritise herself and set some boundaries.

Sorry I wrote that while you were posting. Best of luck.

You have received some excellent advice here. Well done to your DD but tell her to please step back. I have children the same age and about to take GCSEs. This situation is intolerable.

Ask the Head to nominate which child will be pulled out of lessons when your DD can’t take any more!

To your DD - you’ve done your bit! Someone else can take a turn. Someone paid and trained.
Good luck with your GCSEs!

Great letter above. I’d even go so far as to say your DD is being bullied by R. Whilst this may be unintentional, essentially your DD can’t go about her usual routine at school unless R is ok. It sounds like her time in class is at the whim of R having a meltdown. So - harsh question. Are R’s issues all genuine? Is she deliberately acting up to sabotage your DD’s grades? Time in lessons? We don’t know. But I wouldn’t say it’s beyond possibility. And that puts your DD in a very vulnerable position indeed, particularly since R appears to have the full backing of the school staff.

Late to the party, but just wanted to add my voice to the chorus - not only is your dd a lovely person (who is being wickedly failed by the school), but you are a total star too, @Doctorwhosit. Your dd will always remember how you supported and defended her.

My mum didn’t defend or support me when I was bullied for 5 years at senior school and, whilst I am still bitter towards the bullies, I am more bitter that my own mum didn’t have my back.

Your poor DD! She is 100% not responsible for R's well being, although I would make sure your daughter 100% knows that an act of kindness goes a long way I would speak to the school again and tell them they are out of order guilt tripping your daughter into caring for this girl. After all, who is going to look after your DDs welfare? Especially if she does much better without said friend.

And whilst I agree that the letter upthread is great, I would add something along the lines of:

“I was extremely cross to hear that, after I had discussed this issue with dd’s form tutor, and made it abundantly clear how much damage this situation was doing to dd, physically, emotionally and academically, her house mistress said 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' - laying a massive guilt trip on dd. This was entirely inappropriate, as I am sure you will agree.”

Just jumping him to say totally agree with everyone else. School are behaving appallingly and failing in their duty of care to both your DD and R.

Your DD should not be made a crutch for R to use ffs she is her own person and deserves to be treated as such. She did not cause R’s problems and cannot cure them. I hope the school buck up and realise how badly they have failed your DD here. I’d also copy the governors in on any letter you send to the head

My dd (now 16) was very deeply involved with a girl with MH issues who is a year older than her and a long term school refuser. DD sounds like your DD, OP - really kind and caring. She and let's call her T developed a close friendship and would see eachother a lot, but gradually T began to take over my dd's life and interfered with her other friendships and so on. She was emotionally very manipulative and would use self-harming and self abuse as a controlling / guilt tripping feature in their relationship. Although T is a really nice girl and clearly in need of a lot of help and intervention, it is not my dd's place as a 14/15 year old (as she was then) to provide that. Likewise it is NOT your dd's place to manage the health of this girl. WFT is the school doing? it is a clear dereliction of duty and I would be very vocal in your determination to force the school to take on the needs of this girl.

My dd extricated herself from the friendship after one too many incidents where she would invite T over to hang out , T would initially say yes, then later on tell my dd she wasn't coming because "you don't really want me there and you don't really like me". Then my dd would get really upset and sometimes cry, and always think - wrongly - that she was not a good friend. The truth is she was the best friend anyone could ever want. Basically the 'friendship' made her feel like shit. And that's no friendship really.

Dd is a lot happier now. I hope your dd realises she has to look after herself as well as others. Good luck.

I would go in rather than send a letter.

It smacks of laziness on the school's part. While they have your dd there to fall back on, they do not have to face the fact that this situation is waaaaaay out of control. Your dd should be congratulated for being such a mature and caring young lady. They can see the effect of this on her and yet they continue.

It is not her responsibility to care for this girl
This girl's welfare both physically and mentally is between her, the school and the parents NOT your DD.
Your daughter has the right to an education in a safe and secure environment. This girl is neither.
Next time she is asked to leave a lesson she should firmly and politely say no.
This girl has to understand your dd is not her personal carer.
The school need to understand the above too.
I would be raging about this by now and in touch with the educational welfare team to sort it out.
She us not being mean by saying no
She is not being unhelpful by saying no
She us looking after herself which is important when managing anxiety and stress.
If the school say or do anything to .make her feel bad, she should make sure you know.
It will get worse before it gets better.
No is a complete sentence.

What a lovely, caring dd you have - you must be very proud. My dd was caught in a similar situation but the school (especially class tutor and head of year) acted quickly, sympathetically and effectively to echo our stance that you can be a good friend without having to take on a role where professional adult help should be stepping in. The result was that the other student was given the assistance she needed while dd was also given support to realise that this was too difficult an issue for her to be expected to fix. Instead she was given strategies to keep healthy boundaries and an adult contact who would step in to help.

Please let dd know that the mumsnet collective think she's great. This is simply too big and complex a burden for young shoulders and it is wrong that she has been pressurised into taking on this role. What an awful abdication of duty of care by the school.

Hoping you both now get the support and backup you need. There's a lot of great advice on here. Also, you are an excellent mum for being in dd's corner and helping her navigate this. We're all rooting for you both