to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

Fucking hell. What a bunch of idiots at her school. Emotionally guilt tripping a teen is horrible. How can they not be ashamed at themselves? I’d make them feel ashamed.

Honestly and I am not having a good but you should have gone batshit a long time ago. Get in to that school today/Monday and knock this on the head, R is not your or your dd's responsibility so get them separated, no more contact, no mention of her to your dd, she is in emotional leech and the school are grossly irresponsible!

I agree. I would be telling, not asking, the HT that DD is not to have any more contact with R. Tell them if they drag DD into this situation once more, you'll be laying an official complaint with whatever the relevant authority is in your area.

I'd mention their failure in safeguarding your DD, the fact the school has been complicit in the bullying of DD by emotionally blackmailing her in their approach, and failure in their duty of care towards DD.

a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again

This teacher needs to be sacked, quite frankly. I can't even express how disgusted I am with this.

Follow up each verbal conversation with an email to the HT recapping what has been said. Also send an email with bullet points of every time (so far) your DD has been pulled out of class to deal with R, having to hire a tutor etc. I bet you'll be horrified when you see a written list of just how many times your DD has been impacted by this situation.

What a disgusting situation your DD is being put through. School is in the wrong here and tbh if R has mh issue thats her and her family problem. If she doesn't want to get out of bed again not your DD's problem. Your DD needs to stay away from negative people who bring her down with them and focus on her own growth and happiness. I have no time for people with MH issues who are not close family members whom i love tbh, life is too short to be sucked into other people's negativity.

If your DD feels bad about not giving something back for her bursary, maybe she could repay it by being a happy, engaged student and getting the best results she can. She is not responsible for R and if R does anything silly, it is certainly NOT your DDs fault.

DD- you have been amazing. Now it's time to care about yourself.

Consider taking a professional with you to a meeting with the school like a lawyer or a privately paid for child psychologist or appropriate other advocate. It might be an initial expense but could change everything.

www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/private-schools

Thethoughtfox...that's a good idea. Best Mate is a barrister and was using lots of useful language at the pub last night (we always meet DD at pub after her tap-dancing class - DD on the diet soda, us on the beer...while DH makes home-made pizza...I get some things right). Not just effing and blinding R and the school, but things like 'duty of care' and 'safeguarding' and other stuff I can't actually remember this morning. She was also complaining about not having much to do at work, so maybe she can take an hour to come to Headmaster.

I am not sure I can add much to the good advice given.. I like paper trials in these situations.. I have previously seen, conversations denied.

I also if you have a meeting. Email a summary of your meeting and important points raised.

Key phrases:
Duty of care to DD
Potential peer on peer abuse, isolating from friends etc...
duty of care of R by a responsible adult, not another child
Causing you DD anxiety
Falling grades
Social isolation
Action plan needed
Inappropriate behaviour/ comments from house mistress making DD feel guilty & trapped (enabling the peer on peer abuse)

Take your friend in with for support and make notes during the meeting, you could even you the voice memo app on the phone so you don't mishear anything. Then email with bullet points to summarise the meeting.

Go in knowin what you want as a conclusion, no contact, or changing house or no removal of lessons etc..

Good luck for Monday.

Hope you get a meeting organised tomorrow. If your friend will come with you, it might be worth delaying until she can make it too.
Tell DD she is allowed to have nothing to do with the so called friend and to refuse to leave lessons to calm her down or whatever. ( What do the school think they are doing???) Both my DC went to an indy school and I would have been incandescent if anyone had expected this from them, there was a matron and chaplain to provide pastoral support with the house mistress/master.

Good luck tomorrow OP

Nothing to add to the very sound advice just a good luck for tomorrow OP

Go in all guns blazing op.

Placemarking for update

Good luck today x

Good luck op this sounds a dreadful situation think this will make a difference in getting things sorted for your dd

Hope today has a positive outcome for your daughter .

Good luck op. I agree with everyone on here and I would add making a crystal clear list of behaviours you expect in future to stop, as they are treating your daughter as an unpaid counsellor rather than a student: dd is NOT to be taken from class to help r, they should have qualified staff for that. dd is not to be placed in groups or classes or trips with r if that should come up. IF it comes up for a class trip and is seen as unavoidable you expect to be informed and dd not seated / paired with r. Counsellor and her teachers are to be reminded that dd is a child under their care, that r is having a negative impact on her mental health as demonstrated by her grades , and they are not to compliment her on how well she supports r nor recommend she continue in any way to support r.
After the meeting summarise it in writing and email / send.

Oh wow I have been in this position before.

My DD would receive abusive messages from other people too who demanded to know why she was not supporting her friend (when friend had an episode she would largely blame the people closest to her). My daughter ended up with severe panic attacks and counselling.

I ended up stepping in. My DD still handled the school front but when teachers tried to push the friendship, my daughter told them that she would not and then used me as her back up if they had an issue. To be fair it was the only one or two teachers. For most it was clear what was going on

Just to add, I think the most important thing you can do is to teach your daughter how to spot and handle this type of person in the future. Not just those with mental instability but also people with personality disorders and victim mentalities.

It doesn’t mean that she can’t be friends with these people but she accepts that there is a limit to these friendships. I try to teach my DD compassion and self protection simultaneously.

Just wanted to wish you good luck for today I hope you get this school to quit this shameful lazy behaviour

Best of luck today OP

Good luck, I hope all goes well. You've had some fantastic advice on this thread, I really have nothing more useful to add, but wanted to wish you good luck and say what a good mum you are for supporting your daughter through this tricky situation.

I really hope today went well

Very late to this but I really hope you get somewhere with the school. Your DD is a credit to you and should not feel responsible for R at all. This is a really important time for your DD and I hope she's able to get back on track. I say this as someone who was supporting a friend through similar during my GCSEs, slightly different as my mum ended up fostering her for a few months. It really distracted me and destroyed most of my grades. I struggled to catch up for a good few years.