to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

Yes I'd like to say that your DD sounds like a really smashing young lady. You should be proud of her!

But yes, I agree. This is not on and the school need to be told that your DD (still a child herself) should not have this responsibility thrust upon her, let alone by the school.

Good luck in tackling it.

Nope. First time of posting. DD and I have gone through everything textbook style, until we are both at wits end. Yesterday was break point and today I rang Parentline who assumed I was an interfering old cow and told DD that she needed to sort it out herself, since she was 15 and nearly adult. Hence my post here, because when I went to shower and think about it, it didn't feel like that was the answer. DD has tried to sort it out herself, but she's been rather thwarted in her attempts.

Hello - I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents. I don't have children yet (on here using the TTC board), but i'm a university lecturer and I get personal tutees often coming to me talking about supporting friends through mental health crises (suicide attempts, serious depression, bi-polar and anxiety). They often feel obligated to help the person, and we have long chats about how it is not their personal responsibility. they are young people (and this is even more so in your case) and they are not trained counsellors, and are not trained to provie the help that their friend needs. They cannot possibly do it on their own, and should not feel obliged to do so if the person themselves refuses to access any other help.

They are a little older than your DD, so we discuss that if they want to help their friend, they can, but that they should make sure that they are supported. As you and your DD is finding out, supporting someone with mental health problems is extremely draining, and the person doing the support and caring needs their own help. It IS something to be admired, when someone is willing to give this support, but I personally think this is a huge burden to put on the shoulders of an 18-21 year old, much less a 15 year old, and I think it's entirely unreasonable for the school to expect it of your daughter, and particularly to guilt her into providing this support. If this was an abusive partner who had mental health problems, no one would be praising her or guilting her into staying to support him/her through his difficulties...

Good grief, the school has a duty of care to both these children.

Let's take this out of school for a moment and imagine a post on here saying:

My dd has lots of mental health issues, but it's OK because an unqualified 15 year old is listening to her and acting as a counselor, AIBU that this is fine?

I'd make the point about the duty of care, they are forcing your dd to be an unpaid unqualified counselor. As dd is unqualified and doesn't even have much life experience she could do more harm than good through no thought of her own.

And pulling her out of class, I'd be asking for a refund on the fees and sending a bill for your daughter's unpaid work.

Just want to say that DD and are are really, really, really grateful for the support. We've felt a bit lost about this and now feel much, much better.

They said that? Not great advice. She might be 15 but this is a really bad situation. TBH, if she was in the workplace, she'd be asking for help from HR as she has not been able to sort it out herself - not for want of trying but sounds like the school are taking a very odd stance. I'd also say that she is technically still a child so you are being a good and responsible parent by supporting her here. Crazy. Definitely speak to school and if not, the governing body (assuming there is one and it's not privately owned). Poor you and poor her. Not what she needs.

The school also aren’t doing the best thing for R. By enabling - encouraging, in fact - what is clearly a dysfunctional relationship they are giving R the message that she can behave how she likes, emotionally blackmail and not consider the effect on the other person. That’s not an especially helpful message to a vulnerable young person.

Do it! I had a 'friend' in high school who sounded similar, it turned out that her father was abusive and basically, so was she, not necessarily intentionally but because that was what she'd seen at home - when she finally had to drop out I was so isolated and had lost years. Nothing got done because as for your DD, my school thought I was a good influence, our mums were good friends, and we were all scared of her dad.

Wish my parents had stuck up for me the way you are for your DD! Hope it goes well

The school have a duty of care to your daughter. They should be doing what is in her best interests. (They should also be doing the same for R but not at the expense of your daughter).

I would go as far to say this is peer on peer abuse, the school should have a policy on that, and their actions are enabling it to continue. It needs to stop and stop right now. Can you daughter move houses so she has less contact?

I would also consider moving schools, I know this sounds extreme this close to GCSEs but if her mental welfare is really suffering it could be better than staying. She is obviously bright and remember 7s are still old school As so nothing to be ashamed of in the slightest, so even if her grades slipped it might be better long term.

Let the school know you are considering that as an option and it might get them to take it seriously.

Honestly and I am not having a good but you should have gone batshit a long time ago. Get in to that school today/Monday and knock this on the head, R is not your or your dd's responsibility so get them separated, no more contact, no mention of her to your dd, she is in emotional leech and the school are grossly irresponsible!!

• a go

" 'I really admire how well you look after R. "

Such blatant guilt tripping!

I agree that your daughter sounds lovely.

She is giving far too much of herself to her own detriment.

I would say that on the whole my daughter is pretty selfish, but my goodness she can get reeled in to other people's dramas.

A friend of hers was eating very little & cutting herself, had sworn my daughter to secrecy.

Daughter made herself ill with the worry.

Finally told me & felt awful for doing so-it was over some disagreement with her "uncaring" mum who in fact knew & was taking her to counselling!!

Oh & yes, of course you should go in & make sure that your daughter is absolved of all responsibility.

Tell them you will be consulting a solicitor about their failure to look after YOUR DD's mental health and well being and their inappropriate, repeated requests to have YOUR DD look after her, so you can have all your school fees back to help you pay for a new school, since they've obviously lost the plot.

It does sound like you need to get your DD out of there. I'd go out loud, though, to get my fees back. They are failing your DD.

they are using your DD as R's caretaker and teaching assistant to save themselves all the time and trouble. I would DEMAND to the head that he puts a stop to teachers telling your daughter she is responsible for R and apologise to you for doing so.
Where are R's own parents in all this.
Your daughter deserves to get the best out of a school you pay for. Outrageous to pull DD out of class.
Suggest they get a teaching assistant to attend to R's special needs and not use pupils to do that.

I'd go in and see the head on first day. Don't let them push you into thinking that your DD has to answer to R's every need or is being horrible if she doesn't. She needs some boundaries to be set with R or she will fail her own exams.
. Your DD is not the solution to Rs problems and a better one has to be found.
She is willing to be friends with R but this is an imposition beyond the call of a normal friendship and appears to be forthe school's own convenience. They have a duty of care towards your daughter too.

I'm outraged on your behalf. Tell the school they need to sort this out, and now, before your dd's emotional health and exam results suffer.

I was a boarder in a boarding school, and had a friend similar to R, with health problems, but not as bad as R. She was a day girl, and expected me to meet her everyday at a certain point, if I wasn't there she wod get all huffy. And wanted me to be with her all the time incase she had an attack. It got better once I was able to stand up for myself, noway school was expecting me to look after her like school is if your dd.

This situation is wrong and unacceptable, school have a duty of care twoards your dd as well as R. You need to get your mum tiger on, and go to the headteacher. If They needs extra support, school should be providing it, not your dd. It is not her responsibility, your dd matters too. You need to growl much loader op. I don't mean being rude, but letting them know that it is unacceptable and won't be tolerated, even finding another school if this does not stop!

Gosh OP this sounds dreadful, ugh really need to call them now, today if you can and request a meeting.

What a ridiculous situation they are putting your poor DD in, she has absolutely no responsibility for R or her wellbeing and needs separating from R if at all possible.

The school are being very negligent here by letting this go on.

This is absolutely awful and I'm so pleased that both you and your DD are gaining strength from the replies above. It is massively draining as an adult to support someone with mental health issues, especially when they're not receiving a lot of professional help either. How much worse must it be to be 15yo and having that pressure. What if something was to happen to R, would your DD feel personally responsible?

You mention that your DD feels she should give more back to the school due to her bursary... I'd say that the bursary is because the school want her excellent academic results. So actually she should be saying no to going out of class because of her bursary and no to R in order to focus on her grades. I hope that makes sense. I don't want your DD to feel worse or under more pressure, but the point of the bursary is to allow pupils who could afford the fees to benefit from the education on offer.

Your DD has a duty to be civil and friendly to R but nothing more.It sounds as though R really needs professioinal help which the school, and certainly your kid, are not equipped to provide.
You need to be up to that school and meeting the HT

couldn't

I think this is a very unhealthy situation, and in the long-term could ingrain 'rescuer' tendencies in your DD, which speaking from experience is not a healthy dynamic.

I agree with everyone else, school are placing inappropriate pressure on your DD, and in fact they need to safeguard your DD from R's controlling personality.

I have a DD like yours :( She carries other peoples emotional shit for them. Its a role that's incredibly hard to shed later on in life if she doesn't make a stand for her own MH now.

My DD ended up on anti depressants herself because the load she was carrying was just so huge, she dropped out of Uni and those people are less involved with her now, at almost 20. She will go back to Uni, armed with the weapons to stay her compassionate self, but knowing that she is not a leaning post for other people to dump their rubbish on.

My DD1 had a friendship like this. Her school staff were aware of the dynamics and the impact the friend's behaviour was having on her. DD1 herself was vulnerable and unable to say no.

They supported DD1 in every way they could and, when she decided to end the friendship, several teachers took her to one side, told her she was doing the right thing and gave her the support she needed to stay away despite the friend's best efforts to draw her back in. They also drew her (and my) attention to the resultant improvement in her grades.

They supported the friend as best they could throughout that time too.

This is what the school should be doing for your DD. You need to put your foot down and tell them that this girl's well being is not more important than your DD's.

Is your DD in contact with her outside of school ? I'd make her block R from social media and calls. Then tell the school that as from Monday you do not expect your DD to be forced to look after or maintain a friendship with R. That you would like DD to have the opportunity to study in peace with no expectations that she has to be a friend or carer for R.

I wouldn't mention this but how come R's ex boyfriend gets to escape when he breaks off the relationship but your DD isn't extended the same courtesy? Perhaps because girls are expected to be nurturing and put others before themselves - particularly if the others can achieve good grades. I also don't like the underlying current here that as a scholarship girl DD has some sort of obligation to others.

Teachers sound awful - extremely lacking in emotional intelligence.