to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

Agree with all the above posters. You need to rescue things for your DD. You both sound lovely, amazing people.

Adding something thinking more long term...

What are your DD's plans for Sixth Form? Will she still be with R?
I would be thinking of a 'back up' plan for if school don't sort all this.
Remind your DD that it is only 5 weeks until Easter once she is back. Whatever happens at school, she needs to focus on her studies 100%. She then probably as it is a private school has 3 weeks for Easter where she can avoid R. Then, she will be back a week or two before study leave? Your DD has dedicated everything to R who obviously is seriously unwell BUT has made everything about her. It is time for your DD to make herself the priority now. R has teachers, counsellors, parents (I hope) all supporting her.

I'd also say that if you can get a face-to-face meeting with the head, that would be so much better than speaking over the phone. I appreciate that might be difficult if you're working but I'd give it a go. Somehow it's harder to wriggle out of your responsibilities when you've got an upset/disappointed/cross/worried parent in front of you. If not, call, but I think the least the school can do is to face up to you. They should do it after school if that's the only time you can make.

Great post Pringlecat!

OP I'd be arranging a face to face meeting with the head to ask why they thought it appropriate for your daughter to be responsible for R's wellbeing and making it clear that it is not to continue. Your daughter sounds lovely, but she really shouldn't be having to shoulder that burden!

They are pulling her out of class to go and counsel this girl and calm her down?

What the fuck?

So not only are they expecting a 15 y/o with anxiety problems of her own to act as a social worker to another student, but they are roping her into acting as part of their pastoral care?!

This beggars belief. HM and school governors. Pronto.

I really felt the need to reply to you, OP. I work in a specialty where we occasionally see people like R as part of our case load.
I'm way older than your DD and have quite a lot of training and experience to help me protect myself but even I feel it's shattering to have someone latch onto you like this.

Should something like this happen in my place of work we have a set of protocols in place to support us, including access to counsellors. We are also protected from seeing that person again as part of our job by an alert system, which means if they attend an other colleague would look after them.

Your DD sounds like a lovely girl but she's way out of her depth here. The school are failing both of these girls and should be completely ashamed.

Christ YANBU.

A friend of mine had a similar issue with their daughters friend who had blown the whistle on her sexual abuser.

With the most sympathy in the world, a young teen does not have the tools to be anyone elses whole support system!

I would go in and go strong on this!

If this girl has a crisia now your DD could blame herself after being told that she is the support system!

"Crisis"

Shocking! Absolutely contact the headmistress and make it clear that your DD is NOT RESPONSIBLE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM for this other girl. This is completely unacceptable, I can't believe they would say such things to your DD.

As a teacher and a parent, I find this quite shocking from the school, particularly as you’ve raised concerns.

At university, my friends and I felt very responsible for looking after a housemate with deteriorating mental health. After seeing the counselling service, they took this off our plate, as was right given that we were young, inexperienced and taking our finals, and the housemate ended up staying with a tutor after some time away.
It left me feeling pretty low, so I can appreciate that your daughter is distressed by an issue that, at her age, she’s ill-equipped to manage, and more importantly, shouldn’t be her problem.

Fuck yes, I'd be making that call...
So inappropriate. My take on this is if R is genuinely suicidal and/or on the verge of running away then she is extremely vulnerable and needs specific, trained and specialised support surely... not a 15 yr old with anxiety issues of her own.

I don't say that to disparage your daughter, she sounds lovely, and I'm sure you're really proud of her empathy. But Pringlecat's analogy is a good one - a First Aider has to check first of all that they aren't going to become the next casualty.

I truly hope R gets all the help that she needs, but you are absolutely right to insist the school step up and put measures in place that don't involve taking your kid out of class. And they can reign in the emotional blackmail whilst they are at it.

I'd heading in to that school and saying I want them totally separated.no contact at all..go back to a different gp.get a letter done to the school how it is effecting yr dds mental health..get dd to block this girl on all social media.

this is shocking and so unfair on your Daughter...

This happened to my son in y5. The other boy was fabricating illnesses like cancer to keep my son in his life.

It resulted in me telling the school that my son would NOT be responsible for his friend's wellbeing. They would not pair them up and they were not to pressure my son to look after the boy. My son would be polite to the boy but he was not be reprimanded for not playing with the boy at playtime.

I'm not the type of mum always at the school and did this calmly and firmly. They complied with my wishes and set up strategies to help the other boy.

I would also question where R's parents are in all of this. Why is this - completely inappropriate - level of responsibility being placed on your DD? Why aren't the school engaging with the parents instead of relying on your child?

Can you pick up your dd from school and confiscate phone so she can't have any contact and can just chill and revise at home? Tell school and R that dd is struggling and needs to concentr on her own school work for a bit.

Your dd sounds lovely but do listen to the schools side first.

Op another voice saying this is unacceptable. In fact I would go further and suggest this is abusive on the part of the school to your daughter. They are setting her up in life with the expectation that it is her responsibility to make the people around her happy and the natural (but false) leap from that is that if they are not it’s her fault.

This is the type of mind set that leads to people finding themselves in abusive relationships.

Your daughter sounds like An incredibly compassionate kind and intelligent person, she needs to equipe herself with the tools to be confident in her own assertions and prioritise her own needs over others and the school should be helping to teach those skills to her (to all their pupils!) she is not being empowered, she’s being shackled with outdated gendered notions of what being a nice kind girl looks like. This school is being regressive, irresponsible and borderline abusive. You have every right to be livid.

In my friends case it was very much driven my the other parents. Telling school that the friend was the only reason their daughter was able to attend etc.

Be very clear:
The school has a responsibility to look after BOTH girls. Not one girl at the detriment of another. Your daughters mental health matters too.

Do no be guilted. This relationship is not good for either girl: its enabling the other girl to perpetuate unhealthily posessive behaviour rather than helping her build healthy relationships with others.

I'm guessing R is not on a bursary. They're treating your DD like cannon fodder OP. Her mental health and well being appears to be of little or no consequence to them.

I would be utterly furious and would pull her out of the school. They are risking her health. If you felt they were putting her physical health in danger, you'd take her out. This is no difference

YANBU Completely unacceptable behaviour from the school. Your poor DD. I hope you get things sorted out.

You can't pull her out of school so close to gcses but you can make sure she goes elsewhere for a levels and inform the school that she is nt to miss any more of the lessons you are paying for. And then tell your daughter to sever the friendship because she needs to get her head down and study.

The teacher is a manipulative bully. Your poor dd. I hope she finds the support she needs to get away from R.

She can pull her out in June @RedHelenB. In the meantime she can speak to the head and the governors.

The school is failing in its duty of care to the OP's DD

Scabbersley the school have already given their "side" - which was to try and continue to emotionally manipulate the OP's daughter into continuing to act as a counsellor for this other child.

In the OP:
But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

I am very very sorry for your daughter and in your position I would be beside myself too. The school has behaved appallingly in making your DD feel responsible for this other, very ill, child.

If your daughter were, married to this other girl she would need to get a divorce. The other girl's needs will be bottomless, and it will be too late for your daughter.

I don't mean to cause offence so I apologise if the following does so: is there anyone in your family currently acting as a 'rescuer'? Sometimes this can be the role of one of the family members in a dysfunctional family. The rescuer then avoids/loses their own life through busily doing the rescue. Could DD be modelling? Or is she already doing the equivalent at home?

This other girl though may just have a highly powerful vampire character that happened to suck your DD in. The school must be made to leave your DD alone. They have no right to use her in this way.

Could your DD have more counselling (outside the unhelpful GP) to learn how to get away from R? If R is staying for the 6th form, I would be tempted to move DD, together with getting her counselling to stay away from future vampire abuse.

You lot have totally made our day...actually our week...okay, maybe year. I've got none of my work done for refreshing the page. Daughter is about ten million times happier than when she woke up and thinks that mums are MUCH better than anyone else we've gone to for advice. Bless all your little cotton socks. Now to write that email, asking for a face to face. I suppose starting, Dear F*ckwit isn't the right approach...