to think about seeing Headmaster about DD's vampiric friend?

[Doctorwhosit]

Never thought I'd ask for help, but I am really, really stuck.

DD (15) is not terribly socially confident at best of times. She's been involved with a friend (R) with mental health issues for two years. When R is well (seldom) they have a great time. When R is unwell (usually), she is very controlling and (I think) rather abusive. She's managed to socially isolate DD. Personally, I have seen or heard of many instances where R (who is an extremely bright girl - top in everything and musical genius) has made dramas/situations where DD's friendships were broken.

I'm not an interfering -Iworkandjustlethergetonwiththings- mum and I've been watching and waiting to see how DD would handle things, just being there for a sounding board. I've a lot of confidence in DD, she's sensible and bright. She's also very caring. Finally, last spring, DD said enough's enough and ended the friendship with R. DD started seeing other people, looked happier, marks went up, the lot. I was very proud of DD and how she'd handled her first intense relationship.

THEN R had meltdown and a teacher told DD that it was her responsibility to look after R's emotional needs and that she had to be R's friend again. This keeps being repeated by teachers at DD's school. DD is now R's slave again. Isolated. Unhappy. Anxious. Just in time for GCSE mocks, R is currently suicidal and yesterday, instead of studying her Chemistry (for which we have not only paid fees we can't afford to school, have also paid for tutor and so are eating beans on toast most of the week), DD spent her day largely talking R out of running away from home.

I finally interfered two weeks ago, when DD asked to see GP about anxiety (we did, and GP not terribly helpful). I went into school and talked to House Mistress and Tutor Group Tutor. We talked about several things and about R and about how it was inappropriate for DD to keep being made responsible for R's well being. R is seeing Counsellors, doctors, etc and is really quite an ill young lady. DD has now been referred to School Counsellor, for which I'm grateful. But when House Mistress talked to DD about her problems, she said, 'I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.' Just telling DD, once again, that she MUST keep supporting R.

Of COURSE I feel sorry for R. But, ffs. DD should not be told by the school that she is supposed to be involved in R's care! DD having trouble sleeping, concentrating, isn't exercising, is eating cr*p, is needy and irritable. She's just at wits end. She's got no friends left. And R keeps on creating drama after drama and problem after problem to keep DD on the hook. R's ex-boyfriend (they are all three mates) was told by school counsellor to stay away from R. R won't let him go, keeps asking why, why, why he won't talk to her. DD is trapped and I see R as a poor little vampire, going around and sucking everyone dry of emotional energy.

I don't know what else to do. AIBU to think about phoning the Head's office when they return?

Where are R's parents in all of this?

If she's so ill, why haven't they withdraen their daughter?

Can you contact them OP?

Withdrawn. Obviously.

I am angry for both you and your dd. Your dd well being is not being met, and she is missing lessons to support this girl. This is not what you pay or her fees are being paid for, and you have to reiterate this to the headteacher, and tell her staff that under no circumstance are they to ask your dd to leave her lessons to support this girl or use her as a support for her, when they should be providing it themselves for her.

Sorry also meant to mention that it may be worth playing the angle that its not healthy for R to have such a friendship as will give her the wrong ideas about what friendship is and not giving her the appropriate resilience to set her up well for adult life - seeing as they seem to be much more interested in R's health than they do DDs. This relationship isn't healthy for either of them.

That is shocking that they are making a child responsible for another childs mental health - i would say this is going into emotional / psychological abuse terroritory and you need to make it clear no account is it to continue.

It is housemistress or matrons responsibility to help get R out of bed, and to provide support, I am livid for you both, I really am.

You WHAT? I am not surprised you are angry, I would be fuming. It's all very well saying she has to look after R and her needs but what about HER needs and well being? R sounds toxic. I wouldn't be phoning, I'd be arranging a face to face meeting to find out exactly what is going on. This is the last thing she needs when revising for exams. I am actually speechless. Is this common in boarding/private schools?

Seriously if its impacting seriously on your dd, I would reiterate to them, that if this does not stop, you are removing your dd from that school.

Please try phoning the Headmasters office now, more often than not they will be there over half term and they will be less stretched time wise today than next week when everyone goes back so they might have more time to talk properly.

Everything everyone has said is spot on. I would be advising DD to stay away from R. x

Yes to speaking to the school first thing Monday . Your child (the school need to remember she is a child) is not responsible for R and the school should not be guilt tripping her.

Can you restrict R’s access to DD outside of school so that your daughter has some downtime and is not being bothered 24/7? Could you get DD a new SIM card with a new mobile number so R can’t text/call her. Would DD be willing to temporarily deactivate her social media?

I'm a mother if children with sen. I'd be absolutely furious if another child was guilted/forced to take care of my childs well being. The girl needs an echp and 1:1 support in the classroom.

It's time to get very bolshy op. Complaint to governors if private schools have them

I know people whose university grades suffered hugely when they got involved in similar situations later in life. They were past the point where parents really do get involved, although more than once they were pulled aside by visiting parents (this happened to me too) and told how grateful they were that someone was helping their depressed/eating disordered/substance-dependent child. I will go apeshit at any of my kids who goes down this route as it's so damaging all round, and if I thought teachers were encouraging it at an earlier age, I would raise hell.

Its a very one sided and abusive relationship, and school should noway be supporting this, your dd well being matters too.

"Emotional abuse: the persistent emotional maltreatment of a child such as to cause severe and adverse effects on the child’s emotional development. It may involve conveying to a child that they are ... valued only insofar as they meet the needs of another person."

The above is copied directly from the keeping children safe in education document which is required knowledge for all school staff (including private schools). The way she is being treated by R is incredibly close to this statement.

Staff are required (again by the above document) to be "aware that safeguarding issues can manifest themselves via peer on peer abuse." I would be arranging a meeting with the designated safeguarding lead as you have already tried to deal with a junior member of staff.

R may not be deliberately hurting your DD, but that doesn't change the fact that their friendship is unhealthy and DD needs to be supported to step back from it.

That is totally unacceptable _ can't believe school are doing this. I am of mature years and it took me decades to realise that I am not responsible for other people's well being or happiness -- THEY ARE.

'Helping' hopeless, needy family members wore me down. Until the light bulb moment when I realised I do not have a magic wand, and, it is now my opinion (and experience) that people have to help themselves, no one else can be held responsible for their happiness.

DD must either move schools or stand up to R - honestly she would probably be doing her a favour in the long run. Letting someone work out their own problems and finding their own solutions is empowering to THEM. You are not being selfish or cruel.

The school is probably at their wits end but this has to stop.

Another voice to say the school is utterly in the wrong and should not be making one child responsible for the wellbeing of another.

The school's safeguarding responsibilities apply to your DD as well as the other child. They are abdicating their responsibilities to both by putting DD in this position - in particular removing her from class to calm down another child is not how they should be managing R.

I really admire how well you look after R. If not for you, she wouldn't get out of bed in the morning

It's not really helpful to foster that sort of dependency. Children move schools all the time!

I think you should go in and speak to the head and the other teacher in person

School's wrong (but you knew this). Professionals dealing with cases such as R's (and I do feel for R) have supervision and de-briefs as part of their work. DD does not. It is unethical to expect an untrained 15 YO to provide the kinds of support she is providing. It is wrong for DD and it is wrong for R. Indeed, even if she was doing this willingly the school should be stepping in to stop and support her.

I'd also be asking where this other girls parent were and were they aware of what was going on and has she been referred to camhs
My dd had a friend from primary school who started self harming and taking overdoses when she was 15...turned out she was a very , troubled,manipulative girl who turned dds friends against her and told numerous lies to their friendship groups
She had been predicted As at GCSEs but I don't think she even sat any of them
She ended up being taken into care , then sent to a secure psychiatric unit with borderline personality disorder
She was finally fostered as ss deemed that her parents were the source of her problems
She changed her name and broke all ties with her family and foster family....had a dd when she was 19 and has just married her first and only bf at age 22 ...
Your dd has been a great friend, but there comes a time when you have say enough is enough.....I'd be furious with the school

Right, so not actual vampirism. I was expecting a very different thread. Just tell the school that your daughter's mental health is suffering according to your GP and that R is the cause. By making your DD responsible for R they have broken their pastoral obligations to you and your DD. From now on R and DD are not to have any contact or you shall be forced to take action. The implication being that you will sue them. They will back right off.

Goodness OP, I'm livid for you.
YANBU at all!

Generous bursary or not, if the school has such a cavalier attitude to your DD's mental health and are effectively treating her as an unpaid counsellor is it the best school for her?

I realise it's not an easy time to move schools mid GCSE but since the effect on both her grades and her mental health is so severe and the school seem to be actively contributing might she not get on better moved to a state school?

I have spent a large chunk of my life volunteering, so I write this post from some experience.

There are things we can all do to make this world a better place - sometimes those things are small, sometimes they are huge commitments. But we can't do everything by ourselves. Fact. We all have our own limits of what we can give - limits of what is within our capability and what we can do without hurting ourselves.

Let me give you an example. When you are a first aider, you want to help people. It's instinctive. The first step in dealing with a situation though is checking for danger. If you can't get to a casualty without hurting yourself, you can't do anything. It's the training that stops you from rushing in, injuring yourself and winding up with two people in need of help rather than one.

This girl needs help. Your DD, being a compassionate person, wants to help her. Now, she hasn't had any training. That's why she's rushed in to do what she can and ended up hurt. You saw this happen last time. Now, she can see the same girl in pain again, and her natural instinct is to ignore her own safety and help her. It's such a lovely, kind way to think, but it will result in two girls who need help rather than one. Your DD is a school pupil. She is not trained to help this girl in the way she needs - the school should have staff who are trained to intervene.

So, training is needed. Can your DD be trained in saving this girl? No. It's not within her capability. What training can you give her? You can train her in saying no, in being assertive enough to recognise that the school are taking advantage of her and trying to get her to do a role that an adult should fulfil.

Saying no is a hugely useful skill, especially for people like your DD who instinctively just want to make the world a better place. Encourage her to be a nice person and to give back when she can - she might for example be able to volunteer in her school holidays from time to time. But she needs to learn how to say no when she does not have the ability to help, and to understand that doesn't detract from who she is.

It's one thing to say no when something is within your limits to fix, it's another thing to say no when it really isn't. It's good that she has you looking out for her.

If ANYTHING school should be actively working to keep dd and R separate. It's not a healthy relationship for dd and I don't think it's doing R any favours either.

They DEFINITELY shouldn't be looking to a 15 year old to be making THEIR jobs/lives easier.

The bursary has NOTHING to do with any of this and I would be trying to find out where dd got this idea from.

I had a similar but not quite as extreme situation with dd and while generally speaking they need to navigate their own friendships at this age there comes a point where you have to intervene for their own good.

Dd at first was angry with me and somewhat anxious but within a relatively short time she was much happier, making new better friends and doing better at school. It's now a few years later and she barely even hears about the girl that was causing her problems.

Wow! Just read they've pulled your dd out of class to do THEIR job for them in terms of emotionally supporting R? Totally unacceptable! I would be very clear that is NEVER to happen again. If R isn't calming down they call her parents (I don't care how far away they are) NOT expect a 15 yr old girl to sacrifice her education to support her.

I'd also be speaking to R's parents to tell them to get through to R that dd is not her personal mh coach! Frankly at this point I'd want them completely separated.