To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

[TheCrossKeys]

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

You knew you were in tne right, you had the support of the other passengers, so why the need to go off on one? You had nothing to prove, she obviously had something else going on.

Really a bit unecessary for your kids to hear you telling people to fuck themselves.

You had all the moral power and dignity til you shouted and insulted.

YANBU to stick up for your children
YABU to swear in front of them
I would try and forget it and move on.
Sorry you are having a tough time 💐

Six of one and half a dozen of the other here. Unfortunately, your angry reaction will have validated the woman's observation that you're a 'disgrace' even though there was provocation. Keep your distance if she is on the bus next time you use it - apologising would likely just kick things off again.

You did right.

It’s all very well taking the moral high ground and criticising the OP but it’s not always possible to think of appropriate quips in the heat of the moment.

I would apologise to the children and explain that you should never, ever talk to anyone like that. Then practise the phrase "I have absolutely, no idea, what you are talking about" in a slow, direct voice accompanied with rock steady eye contact. Other phrases are "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?' and "oh yes, do have a lovely day".

(Says the woman who used a very rude word when hit from behind on the piste the other day) but I do try to channel my inner Joanna Lumley)...

You should have calmly said to her that she was as being unreasonable, your children were behaving perfectly well and left the bus.
(You had other passengers nodding along in agreement)

You lost all credibility when you started shouting, I'm really shocked you swore like that in front of children. You don't need to shout to get your point across, it's usually those people shouting and swearing who are losing an argument.

It's a pity you 'lost it' like this, you were clearly in the right until you did, but now the older lady has more credibility than you because if your behaviour.

I need to start catching the bus! Nothing this exciting ever happens on my commute!

I also suspect the kids were louder than OP realises.

The problem with these threads is we're only getting your take on it.
IF the kids were as quiet as you say then that was an over the top reaction from the 'old' woman. However you're response was shockingly ridiculous.

Stick me too. I have never been a witness to any bus shenanigans. Everyone gets on, sits there til their stop then gets off.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.
The woman was horrible and good for you for sticking up for your kids but I'm sorry to say that you came out looking worse with that unnescary outburst.

It is not acceptable to use language like that in public in front of children and other passengers.

I simply don't engage with people who would speak to me like that. Picking them up on their behaviour never ends well.

I live in a vair rough area, the shit goes down on the bus regularly. It’s actual quite interesting.

You were right to retaliate but the retaliation was really wrong - you will have come across as extremely rough fishwife type shouting and swearing in front of your children . The older two are drinking it all in and will see that as how to behave.

It's a public bus not a yoga retreat, stupid cow! Not surprised you lost it but perhaps tone it down because that was way OTT, but you know that.

Well she will certainly think twice before trying to pick on mother's with children again! Serves her right, thought she could get away with treating you and your kids like crap. She got what she deserved!

There's a chance this old lady had dementia. People in their right mind tend not to refer to children, especially to the mother, as that.

This was my first thought too. If the scenario went just as the OP said and the DC were sitting quietly, the woman was clearly unwell in some way.

I find it hard to believe being called 'that' was more upsetting to your DC than hearing their mother angry and shouting at a stranger in public.

Sounds like she was trying to provoke you. I would have laughed and pretended I thought she was making a joke 'oh you ARE funny, they've been quiet as mice. Bye now'

I try to cut older people some slack as you never know if they have memory problems. When my elderly relative was in the early stages of dementia she got very irate over little things. She used to tell strangers off all the time. Once she told a man off for eating a sandwich behind her on the bus 'you naughty boy, that's disgusting, chomp chomp chomp, you stop that at once!' She also made personal remarks about people's appearance. Very embarrassing for everyone but she couldn't help it.

If you'd kept the swearing out of it, then fine. But you both lost the argument

Ignore the pearl clutchers. Kids hearing the ‘F’ bomb when you are defending them won’t die of the plague. I’m assuming you don’t regularly swear around them. The woman was exceptionally rude and hateful. She got told she was bitter and go fuck herself. Perfectly acceptable response given the circumstance. Load of old tosh about ‘moral highground’ as if it’s a magical place where we should all ascend to in order to look better in front of who? God? strangers?

She was a bitter bitch who got what she asked for. Forget about it and ignore her if you see her again.

You were utterly and inexcusably rude and your DC heard you.

You need to learn to control your temper.

What if the next time you react to something the person rises to it? What might your DC see then?

You need to look very seriously within yourself and learn some self control.

You are going to encounter poor behaviour from strangers frequently in life (her age isn't relevant FFS, and it reflects badly on you again that you specify that detail as if it was relevant, was she fat, red-haired and smelly too? Just as relevant, but not as acceptable as casual ageism on MN). If youmcannot cope and just kick off into profanity, your DC will learn that as how to behave when thwarted. Do you really think that's a good lesson?

Do I sound a bit strict in this? Yes. But younreally don't seem to get how badly you behaved and what impact a shitty example from a mother has in DC. If you behave like a fishwife, you'll have DC who think that it's OK too.