To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

[TheCrossKeys]

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

YANBU for sticking up for yourself and your children.

I know that morally I should tell you that you were wrong to tell her to fuck off, so here goes (wags finger and stern look) ywbu to swear.

...inside though, I am glad you did, if people told nasty people to fuck off more often, maybe they'd think twice and treat other people better.

You obviously went overboard but you were right to respond to her comment negatively. She as needlessly rude and insulting. I wouldn’t beat yourself up.

Yup.
You were completely out of order but at least you realise it

You should really have left it at "were you born this bitter or did it develop over time", but you know that.

I don't really blame you for your reaction, though it wasn't ideal. I certainly wouldn't apologise to her if she is on the bus tomorrow. Just ignore her and carry on as normal.

I don’t know ... I find parents can underestimate the amount of noise their children are making, as their own tolerance level seems to dull in response to continued lashing. So what is a normal, “quiet” level of noise to you might be intolerable in an enclosed environment to others.

However, she was U to call your kids “that”, but you were VVU to fly off the handle. It isn’t good for your kids to hear that. I would have simply turned my back and got off the bus.

I would have said 'look at the rude lady. Don't ever be so rude as her and always remember your manners, because manners are free so we can use them as much as we like.'

Feel free to borrow this

I'd never catch that bus again TBH.

Nevermind bumping into her, any of those passengers now have a certain opinion of you and won't forget your face.

YWNBU. She started it

I would have lost my shit too... and I wanted to say how awful you are for shouting at a poor old lady. She was wretched though!

Not going to be a popular thought, but maybe pack a flute and sing loudly if she’s on the bus tomorrow. Id have so much pleasure in singing, clapping and hurrahing with the kids just to get up her nose, oooh and a tambourine! - this may be why my husband forbids me from using public transport though- he knows how I set out to piss people off if they’re unreasonable.

She's the one who should feel awful, she's probably always acting like that so hopefully she won't be such a cow the next time!

Tomorrow maybe she'll think twice before she's a bitch to someone.

I certainly wouldn't apologise. She was horrible.

Oh dear OP. I really identified with you having 3 kids with the same age gap until
you wrote your response. I too would have seen red and defended my kids but I would never have worded it so strongly, particularly not using the F word repeatedly in front of the kids and rest of the passsengers. But you sound like you already feel so awful I think it’s best to try and forget this and write it off as a bad day.

Swearing probably wasn't your finest moment, but good for you calling her out on her rudeness. I get a bus everyday and I'd far rather listen to a couple of small children talking quietly than the constant nattering of some of the adults.

I don't blame you for saying what you did. But I think I'd have tried to tell her calmly and quietly, through gritted teeth in a sinister half whisper rather than let the whole bus hear me go full fishwife.

Clearly Doris needed to turn her hearing aids off as they were obviously malfunctioning.
You shouldn't have swore but she totally had a dressing down coming for referring to your kids as 'that'.
I would have lost my shit too

In front of your children you called her a "nasty fucking witch” and told her "to go fuck herself”. I believe your children were being loud and maybe rude and I know where they it from.

As an older woman on behalf of that poor woman I will tell you to behave yourself around respectable people and control your children better.

My late dad used to say 'It takes two to make a scene but only one to make a fool of themselves.'. I always try and remember that not always successfully when someone's goading me. .
I used to work as a BT operator so we daily spoke to a real cross section of the public (years before people all had mobiles so most still used their landlines) We often used to discuss how old ladies were by far and away the the most prolific rude customers. Obviously a lot were lovely and sometimes other groups were rude but it was noticeable how many rude and difficult customers were old ladies.

Charolais- I don’t think that respectable people refer to people, even less, to children as “that”

Most of the respectable people I know, would have either politely ignored children who were making a fuss- which OP said they weren’t, and anyway. It’s a bus,full of other people. I’m sure that there are far worse happenings that go on than a few kids possibly making some noise,

I believe your children were being loud and maybe rude and I know where they it from.

Charolais What other bullshit do you believe in? That we didn’t land on the moon, or that 9/11 was deliberate? Because OP already said the other passengers agreed her children were being quiet.

The older lady was rude and disrespectful herself (she knew she was starting an argument by referring to someone’s children as “that”), and she needs to learn some manners. You’d think at her age she might have some, but it seems they passed her by.

and she needs to learn some manners

You sound like a vigilante.

Fair play to you. Everyone has their limits. I did similar when a woman told me I was taking too long putting mine in their car seats at the hospital. She wanted my space, despite there being others empty. It was Xmas Eve and I’d just been told DH had cancer. Possibly the one and only time I’ve ever told someone to fuck off to their face. I wasn’t rude or loud, just brittle and oozing anger. Rolled down the window, asked what she was banging on it for, she ranted on about wanting the space and so I told her what I’d just found out and to fuck off. Then did the window back up and burst into tears, thus delaying us even more.

You lost the moral Hugh ground when you swore at her in public and in front of your children.

All she, or any of the other passengers will remember is that you lost your temper, shouted and swore in front of your children.

You would have retained the sympathy and respect if the other passengers and embarrassed the woman far more if you had maintained a polite response.

Defend your children and call her on her rudeness by all means but it would have been far, far more effective if you’d been calm and icily polite.

The winner of an argument is not she who shouts loudest. Dignity is more eloquent than obscenity.

Sprinkle star- that’s made me have a little cry. Hope your DH is ok, that must have been a shit Christmas.
I hope she gave you space after that.

Classy response OP.

Are your children often exposed to such behaviour?