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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
SukiTheDog · 16/02/2018 07:58

I think you weren’t unreasonable. Maybe swearing in front of your kids on a public transport bus wasn’t the way to go but, she was unnecessarily nasty.

petbear · 16/02/2018 07:59

I'm sure lots of people will tell you that was ageist and uncalled-for and vile, but if somebody had referred to my child as "that" I probably would have lost my shit as well. Horrible vicious baggage. If she's there tomorrow just totally blank her, and if she says anything, sing. Sing "In and out the dusty bluebells", over and over again. i would.

THIS ^ And I speak as someone who is not a million miles from that age.

Being 'older' like senior age, does not give you a free pass to be a nasty rude curmudgeon who can spout bile at some poor young frazzled mum on the bus. I am royally fucked off with this attitude that you should respect your elders just coz they're a generation (or 2) older than you.

No. Fuck that.

Respect is earned, not given because you have been on the planet 30 years longer. And as the poster I quoted said, if some person had referred to my kids as objects, I would have lost it too. Horrible vile woman.

Do NOT apologise to her, and do NOT feel bad. However, next time, just ignore anyone like this. If you ignore people, it stings and irritates them.

A disabled friend of mine parked in a child space once coz all the disabled zones were full (7 child spaces were free at the time.) When she came out of the shop 20 minutes later, they were all full, and a man was ranting at her for parking in the child space. She explained she was disabled, and had no disabled space and there were 7 child spaces empty when she went in. But he wasn't interested, and started telling her she was a cunt, she 'didn't look disabled,' she needs shooting, and more nasty shit. It really upset her.

NEXT time she parked in a child space (she has only done this 3 or 4 times in about 5 years by the way when there is no disabled space,) she had a WOMAN have a go this time ...'WHERE IS YOUR CHILD THEN?' My friend ignored her and carried on getting into the car. The woman said 'do NOT ignore me! Rant rant rant,' and started going purple with rage.

My friend continued to ignore her, shut and locked her doors, turned her radio up, and drove off, not even making eye contact with the woman. (Who was now waving her fists and going batshit.)

So, @thecrosskeys as I said, next time, ignore, and look away. Don't rise to the bait. The woman was a nasty cow, and deserved your wrath to be frank.

lurkingnotlurking · 16/02/2018 08:00

auntiestella red haired is not as relevant.... Unless you think it is worthy of insult

MrsSunflower · 16/02/2018 08:02

Sounds as though she was massively miserable. Don’t worry about it.....if she starts again, just ignore her

Handsoffmysweets · 16/02/2018 08:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/02/2018 08:05

Meh, she totaly started it. If you pick a verbal fight over nothing you can expect to get a verbal slap down in response.

CB1234 · 16/02/2018 08:06

You went too far, but she wasn't innocent. Take it as a lesson to try and deal with conflict in a better way. I have to count to 10 whilst asking "what do you mean?" to give me time to cool before I react. Because believe me, I have lost it myself before. Don't give the woman a second thought. If she is going to incite people then she has to expect a backlash. It's for yourself and your children that a change in approach would be better.

LaurieF · 16/02/2018 08:06

OP were you on the 254 as I'm pretty sure you just met my MIL Grin

If you get the bus today I think you should give the kids your phone so they can play that awful tinny music and sing along nice and loud! You were NU for calling her out at all but next time take a deep breathe and tone down the language! Saying that I usually respond with some effs and Jeff's and then get home and the intelligent witty response I should have given finally comes to me...

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2018 08:06

There is always a proportion of mumsnetters who love a good "tell her to fuck off" tale and egg thr op on. I'm absolutely sure these folks would do no such thing in real life and are simply key board warriors.

Yes the woman was horrible. There is a dignified way to deal with people like that. She went low, you went way, way lower. The people watching will remember you the most. It was a hugely nasty outburst in front of your kids.

GrannyGrissle · 16/02/2018 08:06

'That's thing 1 and Thing 2 to you and perhaps you could pick up some tips on good manners and appropriate behaviour by following my childrens example?' Followed by a sweet concerned smile on departure and a loud tut 'Someone needs to sit on the naughty step children and it isn't either of you' sad shake of head.
Deep breaths and see the comedy in the siituation and count down a slow 5 before replying always helps in randomly horrid events and if you are completely stumped for something to say, puzzled smile, Mumsnet Headtilt TM and a 'deary me, bad day?' usually sits them on their arse pretty fast.
I don't think the shouting and swearing did you any favours at all but then taking more than one small child on the bus must be a whole new level of stressfulness even without harassment.
I'd just explain to the children you were very upset but shouldn't have shouted or sworn but that their behaviour was excellent and you were very upset by nasty woman with a mouth full of bile and that occasionally grownups are nasty bullies.

Oblomov18 · 16/02/2018 08:07

If only you'd said these things toned down. Once you raise your voice, or swear, you've lost the 'argument'.

selftitledalbum · 16/02/2018 08:07

I doubt your kids were as quiet as you say but she deserved it.
Perhaps think about how you swear in front of them. That is poor parenting indeed.

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 08:08

She was rude. You over reacted. Her age is immaterial.

Ledkr · 16/02/2018 08:08

Well in some parts of the country she'd have got more than a mouthful so I wouldn't worry about it.
I'd have probably ended up doing similar as I struggle to find a happy medium but that's a risk she took when she also spoke out of turn.

Chugalug · 16/02/2018 08:09

It's done now.cant turn the clock back.move on....yes you were a tad ott.but how dare she speek about yr well behaved children like that...

cantstopeatingg · 16/02/2018 08:12

I wouldn't apologise to the lady.

Ragaroo · 16/02/2018 08:13

Please don't apologise. Yes, you lost your moral highground but she totally deserved it. If I saw her again, I would say really loud "oh, let's sit over this side of the bus, I wouldn't want your BREATHING to disturb the Queen of Sheeba over there!" and sit far away from her. If she apologises then I would reluctantly say sorry for the outburst, but calling well-behaved kids out on nothing... unacceptable. Miserable bitch. But who knows, maybe she was having a really shit day, so the grown up thing is probably to ignore her.

BubbaLips · 16/02/2018 08:14

dont apologise to her you were justified

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 08:17

“I think OP was saying 'old woman' mainly in the sense of descriptive purposes,“

Yeah, course she was. That’’s why she mentioned it three times, including an estimate of her age.

Substitute black, Asian, fat, disabled.....still just for descriptive purposes? If she wanted to paint a pen picture, why not “in a blue coat”?

TheRebel · 16/02/2018 08:18

I think if you’re going to get public transport then you have to accept that there will be noisy children, people playing music too loudly through headphones and other adults annoying conversations, if this woman didn’t like it then perhaps she should take a taxi instead.

Yes you overreacted but you weren’t wrong, even if your kids had been making lots of noise, they’re people too and they’re entitled to play and chat. Thankfully we don’t live in a children should be seen and not heard society anymore. If you see her tomorrow hold your head high and ignore her.

Rottweilers · 16/02/2018 08:18

If your kids were behaving then she was a grouchy old witch. However with your outburst you’d have lost all credibility on that bus. Saying that, I’m terrible with emotion impulse and may well have done the same as you if stressed/threatened. If she’s on the bus again OP don’t even acknowledge her.

Rex27 · 16/02/2018 08:18

You set a terrible example to your children.

She may have had dementia?

ilovesooty · 16/02/2018 08:19

Yes she was rude, regardless of her age. I doubt your children would remember it. I imagine that your appalling behaviour will be remembered by them though.

CarelessClaire · 16/02/2018 08:20

YABU the older lady could have have been rude, grumpy or she could have had dementia or painful arthritic joints and there you are shouting obscenities at her. Fine example you’re setting your kids! It won’t be long before they start bawling at people like that on the bus.
What she did was wrong but so was how you reacted.

ColinsVeryJolly · 16/02/2018 08:21

Ignore the pearl clutchers. Kids hearing the ‘F’ bomb when you are defending them won’t die of the plague. I’m assuming you don’t regularly swear around them. The woman was exceptionally rude and hateful. She got told she was bitter and go fuck herself. Perfectly acceptable response given the circumstance. Load of old tosh about ‘moral highground’ as if it’s a magical place where we should all ascend to in order to look better in front of who? God? strangers?

She was a bitter bitch who got what she asked for. Forget about it and ignore her if you see her again.

^^ totally this.