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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
Argeles · 16/02/2018 06:05

Good for you op, she sounds like a nasty, bitter old bitch.

How dare she refer to your baby and child as ‘that’ and ‘that!’ That’s just disgraceful, and there was absolutely no need for it. The whole ‘attack’ was unprovoked, and deeply disrespectful on her part. Total shame on her!

I had a friend in her early 50’s when I was in my early 20’s, who said to me that she respects older people like she does everyone else, but she will definitely put them in their place if they are rude to her, or in the wrong somehow. She said that most people seem afraid to do that, and that they place them all on some kind of pedestal, when they’re not all deserving of it. She then said that some people are rude, nasty or evil cunts throughout their lives, and this doesn’t suddenly change when they retire or get a free bus pass, but they simply become old rude, nasty or evil cunts!

I was quite shocked at first by what she’d said, but I thought about it, and I wholeheartedly agree.

I have been on public transport in the past and have witnessed and encountered so much rudeness from older people, as well as hearing openly racist and prejudiced remarks that just wouldn’t be tolerated and ‘excused’ if a younger person had behaved in this way - God forbid a teenager.

Please do not feel bad, and certainly don’t apologise to her.

minmooch · 16/02/2018 06:11

There's a chance this old lady had dementia. People in their right mind tend not to refer to children, especially to the mother, as that.

You could have handled it better by giving the woman the benefit of doubt and not responding at all.

What you said was way worse.

Kitsharrington · 16/02/2018 06:14

You shouldn’t have sworn at her but it’s done now. But don’t worry about it, we all have our moments!

WetPaint4 · 16/02/2018 06:17

She showed no class and you showed no class. You'll just have to let it go. If you see her and you're still feeling bad, apologise for your language.

brizzledrizzle · 16/02/2018 06:18

She was unreasonable but you took it to a whole new level, your behaviour was far worse than hers.

Slartybartfast · 16/02/2018 06:35

your children might have been louder than you realise. you baby might have cried for longer than you care to admit.
you have a nasty tongue in your head.
she was obviously in the wrong but you went one further with your attitude.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 16/02/2018 06:35

I’ve had this on a bus Before. I don’t know where people come off thinking young children can be completely silent. If you don’t like it don’t get on PUBLIC transport 😊

AHungryMum · 16/02/2018 06:35

Other than the swearing, which some would argue gives her the moral high ground, you had every right to stand up to her for being such a grade A bitch to your children. Calling them "that" is rude AF. You were provoked, she wasn't. I wouldn't worry about it too much tbh!

slashdragon · 16/02/2018 06:42

I disagree with posters who say you over reacted- woman was rude and had it coming.

Good for you.

Do NOT apologise.

DuckNoodles · 16/02/2018 06:53

I think this may depend on the culture of where you’re from Blush if this situation happened where I live the old lady probably wouldn’t sworn to! Not such a big deal.. just words.. but yes good for you for sticking up for your children. They’ll remember that and love you even more for it Flowers

Dancinggoat · 16/02/2018 06:56

Don't blame you for telling her what you felt.
Not great choice of language in front of the kids. I think that's worse than swearing at her.

Slartybartfast · 16/02/2018 06:57

I think she will be embarrassed too op
have you seen her before on the bus?
it may have been a one off that your journeys crossed

StringOfGoldStars · 16/02/2018 06:57

Nah forget about it.

She invited the response when she spoke out of turn in the first place. Late 60s isn't all that old - some of my friends are in their 70s and beyond and wouldn't dream of speaking to someone like that.

Age is no excuse.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it Wink

She then said that some people are rude, nasty or evil cunts throughout their lives, and this doesn’t suddenly change when they retire or get a free bus pass, but they simply become old rude, nasty or evil cunts!

She was right.

KayaG · 16/02/2018 06:58

It's possible to tell someone they are out of order without foul language in front of your DCs. Awful behaviour.

YWBVU.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2018 07:01

Sometimes just a look is enough.

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 07:08

Are your children often exposed to such behaviour?

No they are not often exposed to such behaviour. All I can say is that it's been a stressful time and this took me over limit. I'm not ashamed of defending my DC as they weren't doing anything wrong - other passengers agreed that too - but I shouldn't have sworn like that.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 16/02/2018 07:12

She did kind of ask for it, but you didn't so much leave the moral high ground as fling yourself off. A bright smile and a 'Please keep your unwanted opinions to yourself. Thank you' would have done it and been much more satisfying afterwards.

CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 07:14

What kind of example are you teaching to your children? You went way overboard. I recently had a woman awearing like that, with her young dc in his pushchair. I refrained from retaliating because her child could hear and understand. That is what adults do.

shinysinkredemption · 16/02/2018 07:15

Just move on with your head held high, it happened and you can't backtrack. The only people you need to be concerned about are your children. Blank her if you see her again and if she addresses you just reply with 'I have nothing to say to you'. Repeat this exact phrase a few times if she carries on and then ignore her. Don't apologise or explain to her, she's clearly unreasonable and may have MH issues as has been suggested.

CanIBuffalo · 16/02/2018 07:16

Both of you behaved disgracefully whatever the provocation.
Poor kids witnessing that.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 16/02/2018 07:19

FWIW, I think Mummyoflittledragon's right about the 'matriarch' behaviour. I think some people feel age gives them a right to say exactly what they think, when they wouldn't necessarily have dared when younger. It's a bit of an 'I put up with stuff when I was younger, now it's my turn to dish it out' mentality, which, incidentally, is at the root of quite a few people's problems with their MILs, I believe. It's not a characteristic of age, more an effect of it (and only one possible effect of many!). I don't think it's ageist to make that observation.

defineme · 16/02/2018 07:19

I really do applaud you. Women are brought up to be too submissive and care too much about other people's opinions. You stood up to a vile bully. I go very very posh in similar circumstances... Seems to make them pause and then they can listen to my opinion that they were clearly dragged up. Your children will not expire because they heard you swear fgs... Blank her if you see her again.

userabcname · 16/02/2018 07:20

Pffft. Totally disagree with the posters on here saying you were wrong, should apologise etc. She shouldn't be commenting on young children and calling them 'that' ffs! Maybe now she will learn to keep her sour comments to herself. What did she expect you to do? Meekly apologise? Serves her right that she got a mouthful instead. She was being completely unreasonable and nasty. Don't feel bad about swearing. I wouldn't.

sallyandherarmy · 16/02/2018 07:24

Love these sorts of posts.

Everybody judging the older lady, calling her every name under the sun, acting like you actually KNOW her.

You don't. Know her, that is.

Maybe that lady was just having a really bad day, maybe something terrible had happened that day - who knows?

Maybe the kids WERE being loud, but the parent is so used to the rattle, that they really don't notice HOW loud anymore?

I never ever judge someone the very first time I meet them, absolutely no point. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt, at least once.

Personally I think you weren't UR, but you did over react, and you know you did.

IF she is on the bus tomorrow, there is just a slight chance that she may want to apologise to YOU - how will you react to that?

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2018 07:25

There's 'too submissive' and there's swearing at strangers in public. There is a middle ground.