To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

[TheCrossKeys]

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

Your obviously a good person OP or you wouldn't feel bad about what you said,she was in the wrong,try to forget about it and if she is on the same bus as you again I'm sure you won't start again.

If someone accuses you of poor parenting, responding by demonstrating poor parenting probably isn’t the brightest way to go about it....

You sound like a vigilante.

Battleax Because I pointed out someone who is rude and nasty about a child in front of them lacks manners? If you think the old woman has manners you have a very warped viewpoint of acceptable behaviour.

No because of the phrase "nd she needs to learn some manners".

It's not complicated. Try reading the words.

Jesus, any chance we could dial back the ageism a bit?

Her age is utterly irrelevant.

The debate about how bad the woman's crabbiness was over the moment OP started shouting and swearing.

what Max said

Sigh...

and also, the OP had said in the title of her thread that she feels awful.

I guess she realises she lost it big time, and it wasn't the best outcome.

Of course we all have our limits - for Sprinklestar

You sound like a vigilante.
What nonsense.

And while the OP hardly covered herself in glory, if someone goes around insulting children they can expect to provoke an angry response on occasion.

Sorry Tante but in a world where half the thread is full of people telling OP what she did was great, others need to point out it was shameful.

I don't want my preschooler or my grandmother on public buses where people behave like aggressive scum. It's anti social behaviour of the worst kind.

Someone who was genuinely mortified wouldn't do it in public or (worse?) in front of their DC on the first place.

And while the OP hardly covered herself in glory, if someone goes around insulting children they can expect to provoke an angry response on occasion.

It's a bit unconvincing to make it about the defence of children who have to witness their mother behaving like that. Any baby I've ever met would have been completely hysterical if their adult started shouting and losing control of themselves. Some children are used to it, sadly.

Battleax I’m still not seeing this “connection” you have randomly decided to make, and I also take it you didn’t read my first post.

Someone who was genuinely mortified wouldn't do it in public or (worse?) in front of their DC on the first place.

Nobody feels mortified about something they’ve done before they actually do it. Said thing has to occur first then the mortification comes after.

Good for you OP. If anyone referred to a child of mine as 'that thing' or 'it' I would have lost my shit too.

Nobody feels mortified about something they’ve done before they actually do it. Said thing has to occur first then the mortification comes after.

Nonsense. Anticipatory embarrassment is very useful and important for social function. I don't think I could shout at an older to woman to go fuck herself if you paid me. Certainly not in front of my children. Icy rebuttal I could do.

I mean it's great you stuck up for your kids, but F-ing and blinding in front of them? No.

It's a bit unconvincing to make it about the defence of children who have to witness their mother behaving like that.
I don’t really understand the point you’re trying to make. I said that if someone starts insulting someone’s children, they might reasonably expect an angry response. Frankly it sounds like the woman was actually trying to goad the OP.

YANBU to have reacted they way you did after her comments but you lost any moral high ground when you swore at her in front of your kids.

By all means pull her up on her comments or lose your rag but in my book swearing at her in front of your kids would have me judging you and forgetting about the old bat.

Could someone goad you into frightening your DC Clem?

Jesus, any chance we could dial back the ageism a bit?

Thing is the woman acted like a matriarch. Some older men and women act like in this way. Age has something to do with this scenario imo. And I say this despite being no spring chicken.

Well you did go overboard with the swearing and will have cemented her belief that she is superior to you and your children. However I would not be apologising to anyone, who called my children “that and that”.

Could someone goad you into frightening your DC Clem
You’re asking if I could ever in any circumstances be provoked into shouting at someone in front of my children? I’m sure I could and I’m sure many have. Not everyone reacts perfectly on every occasion when provoked.

"Not everyone reacts perfectly"?

Sheesh. Most people DO avoid the extremes of anti social behaving and terrible parenting, however.

I think OP was saying 'old woman' mainly in the sense of descriptive purposes, like you do when you're relaying something and instinctively try to give a picture of the scene. Also a little of an older generation 'children should be seen and not heard' (how did they stop them back then??).

The woman was rude, OP was feeling frazzled and she knows she was bang out of order and overreacted (unfortunately confirming to sterotypes), hopefully if they see each other on the bus route again things will be quiet.

Just keep the swear words out of it, it automatically devalues what you say (and I'm saying that on MN...)

Six of one and half a dozen of the other as my Mother would say.

Can see why you did it you would of come out of this better if you hadn't told her to go fuck herself .You already know that, a heat of the moment thing. If you see her on the bus give her a passive aggressive apology "i stand by what I said but i apologies for the bad language I was very upset".