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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
Louiselouie0890 · 16/02/2018 20:44

I know how it works....my point is I don't care about moral high ground when basic politeness isn't even on there agenda in the first place. For me to reply politely she would have to talk to me politely not refer to my children as it or that.

I don't care about moral high ground.

AugustaLoveday · 16/02/2018 20:53

The main reason to be polite (if assertive) to rude people is that if we all went around being rude and unpleasant, we would all be pretty miserable. A stranger was very rude to me the other day about something. I said I had most certainly not done the thing he accused me of, and even if I had, there would be no need for him to be rude.

MrsElvis · 16/02/2018 20:54

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goose1964 · 16/02/2018 20:59

You were both in the wrong. However she massively over reacted in the first place

Louiselouie0890 · 16/02/2018 21:03

@augusta

I'm guessing you don't go round be rude and unpleasant though. Surely most people don't. I certainly don't but if someone can't give me basic politeness then why should I give it back or take the moral high ground.

If the kids were loud a simple do you think it's ok if....would have been fine. From OPS post they weren't loud and calling them was past rude.

We just deal with situations different I suppose. Most things slide over my head but I'm afraid that one would have been hard to let slide. Would I have said the same maybe not but it wouldn't have been far from it.

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 21:06

I get what people mean about not caring about the moral high ground, but you should still aim for it because it gives your opponent fewer things to sling back at you.
Think of it as a crafty or covering move in a fight or a game.

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 21:07

No worries, Petbear.

TrappedAndLost · 16/02/2018 21:17

Did the driver say/do anything?
(Just curious)
Stress really can cause us to react unexpectedly. Try not to over think it.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/02/2018 21:20

I'd have reacted like that too, OP. I like to think I'd have fallen short of telling her to go fuck herself, but I'm not sure. The old lady was being horribly spiteful and so she can't expect much but spite back. I certainly wouldn't have been taking the moral high ground and being kind to her.

RoseWhiteTips · 16/02/2018 21:47

Maybe the woman had a mental health problem or dementia. Was that a consideration at all?

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 22:08

"Maybe the woman had a mental health problem or dementia"

Or maybe she was just a rude person. Old people can be rude without having "issues" you know!

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 22:09

" I certainly wouldn't have been taking the moral high ground and being kind to her."

I don't think anyone is suggesting being kind to her!

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 22:27

Yup, Bertrand. There’s a notoriously unpleasant older woman in our village. She’s just NASTY to everyone; no-one can do right, everyone is a degenerate etcetc. She’s fit, capable and so on (remember, it’s a village, so you have a good idea about people), but she has an unhappy home life and so takes it out on everyone around her.
We live opposite her, I bake great cakes and gingerbread, I’ve always got tea and coffee on the go for anyone who needs it, as well as a kind ear and people know this. She’d be welcome to come over to chat, vent, whatever, but she chooses to insult me, my partner and my children instead. For some, it pretty much is a habit or a choice and all you can do is push back.

Frankiewears · 16/02/2018 23:20

So is cockend a more acceptable term rather than bitch on here?

What is the issue with calling someone old, well ‘old’ in recognition of the description used by the OP?

When did Mumsnet start pearl clutching about fruity language?

Can we still wang the odd cunt around when we feel thus compelled?

HermionesRightHook · 16/02/2018 23:29

So it wasn't ideal and obviously if you can not do that again it would be for the best.

But honestly, if I had been on the bus and witnessed that as you've reported it, I would be judging her and feeling sorry for you - I think it's pretty obvious people don't generally go off the top like you unfortunately did unless they've got other shit going on.

And she was fucking rude for referring to children like they weren't even people - and I say that as someone with a very short fuse for children making excessive noise.

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 23:31

Having fully supported the swearing, I do feel that the use of "old" is unnecessary. If the comments aren't related to age, why is this a relevant descriptor? If someone called someone a black cunt or a gay cunt you wouldn't,say "well they are black/gay so that's a neutral descriptor" - it'd be clearly homophobic or racist.

LegallyBrunet · 16/02/2018 23:33

She was very rude but that was a massive overreaction in my opinion. There was no need to swear in front of your children.

Frankiewears · 16/02/2018 23:51

Fair enough re old. Does it apply in using youthful descriptions too? Is that ageist or do those more advanced in years have ownership of the term?

Are we seriously not supposed to refer to a person’s age anymore?

How about gender specific genital references? Offensive too?

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 23:54

The point is that a descriptor that can be neutral - eg black/gay/female/old can become loaded if used in conjunction with an insult.

Frankiewears · 16/02/2018 23:57

🙂

UgandanKnuckles · 17/02/2018 00:07

well said @LouiseLouie0890

Is the person in question in the original post somehow superior becayse she didn't resort to those awful curse words?? Hmm

tillytrotter1 · 17/02/2018 00:22

I can't be bothered to plough through 20 pages but in such a situation I think that the best route is to say absolutely nothing to the other person. A long, slow, withering look up and down, mobile eyebrows and a little smirk tend to annoy people far more than a mouthful, one really doesn't want to lower oneself to her level. Passive aggression is far superior! Maybe as one left the bus say to the children Say goodbye to the,er, lady. The one thing people want is a reaction, if you lose it they feel they've won.

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2018 04:19

I can't be bothered to plough through 20 pages

At least you are honest I guess.

SlackPanther · 17/02/2018 07:52

“Maybe the woman had a mental health problem or dementia"”

“Or maybe she was just a rude person. Old people can be rude without having "issues" you know!”

All of this is true. BUT having a stroke has altered my Mum’s whole emotional character. After a life of the gentlest generosity, the damage to her brain has left her perfectly able to talk, walk and get the bus, but also depressed, hyper-critical, hyper-sensitive to certain sounds, and with some aggression. It is really upsetting to see,

And I guess the longer you have lived the more chance you have had one if these life changing events or conditions.

(It wasn’t my Mum on the bus, but the way she carries on some days, and has lost some of her social filters, I fear it could be, one day Sad )

Cranberrywensleydale · 17/02/2018 09:02

You were unreasonable for swearing and shouting, especially in front of your DC. Until then she was being unreasonable. But, understandable what you did, and we all make mistakes sometimes, so don't beat yourself up!

Old people have also been young people! Many old people have criminal records in their past for assault, burglary, sex offences, murder etc.... While I do think you should treat the older generation with respect, they are not all saints! and given the way this lady spoke about your DC id imagine she's had similar reactions from people before and possibly a colourful life herself, so don't think you've deeply hurt her. She'll be fine! and possibly used to such reactions

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