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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/02/2018 16:10

Sorry @UgandanKnuckles?

I think to lose your shit like that to the extent that you shout abuse at a stranger does seem to demonstrate an inability to control anger.

Quite obviously you disagree but do go and patronise someone else hen eh?

UgandanKnuckles · 16/02/2018 16:17

Or... and hear me out here, the OP was upset by a stranger first of all being rude to her children and then calling her a disgrace... and then, and I know this is maybe a bit radical but stay with me here... got upset and then, like, reacted in a way that she might not normally do and feels bad about it??

Nah, of course not. She must be a lunatic with anger issues who constantly launches unprovoked verbal assaults on people on public transport. Because no one has ever lost their temper and said/done things they might regret. Hmm

(Was that patronising enough for you?)

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 16:21

do you have anger issues because your reaction was completely disproportionate and unacceptable

I don't have anger issues. I've spoken to DH about it and some friends, everyone was shocked as it is not usual for me. I've been under a lot of pressure lately and I blew, I'm ashamed of myself for it and not at all proud that I went off on one instead of keeping the high ground but it is what it is. I'm very glad eldest DC wasn't with us as he hates confrontation and would have been distraught. I don't need to take that route again any time soon so at least its unlikely we'll have any further encounters with her.

OP posts:
DaftWeeBun · 16/02/2018 16:22

I've done worse. It will become family mythology " the time mummy lost her shit". Can't say I blame you, I'd have backed you up. 😊

BitOutOfPractice · 16/02/2018 16:23

Where did I call her a lunatic? where did I say she does this constantly?

I asked, perfectly calmly, if she felt she had anger issues.

And no, I have never told a stranger to go fuck themselves.

And yes, you certainly managed to ramp up the patronisation beautifully.

formerbabe · 16/02/2018 16:24

Actually I think it is a proportionate response. Like I said, its not great to swear like that in front of your kids, but the woman was incredibly rude about the ops children...it's even worse because the op was doing a good job at keeping them reasonably quiet and we'll behaved.

It's easily remedied though. Simply say to the DC that mummy was very upset that the rude lady said you were being noisy when you were being very well behaved. And that mummy shouldn't have said bad words and sometimes we all need to try to stay calm even when other people are being rude to us.

UgandanKnuckles · 16/02/2018 16:26

@BitOutOfPractice

You didn't say any of those things, but managed to glean from one incident that the OP possibly has anger issues. I hope you didn't strain yourself from reaching so much.

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 16:26

I asked, perfectly calmly, if she felt she had anger issues.

It's a reasonable question and one I've asked myself given that I wouldn't usually react in this way but no, I don't have anger issues.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/02/2018 16:40

but

Wow you need to control your anger issues.
Woman on bus was rude, but your reaction was WAY out of line. Completely OTT and such a bad example to your children.
Just wow.

LanguidLobster · 16/02/2018 16:40

Well, it's done now. Hopefully bus journeys will be more uneventful in the future.

(P.S. are you sure about the anger issues, CrossKeys??)Wink

ilovesooty · 16/02/2018 16:42

Much as I didn't like the OP's response I don't think there is anything to suggest that she's a habitually angry person, and she's confirmed that. Suggesting she has "issues" - horrible word anyway - is unnecessary (in my opinion).

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 16:52

I am a massive gobshite, let me make that clear before I start. Mild annoyance, high spirits etc etc and I can rant like a good’un.

However, something happens when I get really angry and I get very cold and calculating, which is a huge advantage. When I’ve been in similar situations, what really works is to ask the person what they mean and to keep doing that.
Obvs the OP was getting off the bus, but she may see this woman again.
So, ask what they mean. If they say sth, ask why what they’ve said is relevant to the kids’ behaviour.
If they bandy about mealy-mouthed insults like disgrace etc, ask them to back them up with evidence, and keep asking. If they ignore you, you explain that you’re asking because they’ve said something quite disturbing/rude/strong and they have a moral duty to explain themselves. Carry on a few times after they start looking as if they’re praying for death, then say that as they have no answer, that you’ll just assume they’re having a very bad day.

If they say sth that does stick - noise, whatever - then acknowledge it but point out their overreaction.

To posters who are surprised by the anecdotes of nasty behaviour like this, believe me, it does happen.
I remember offering to show someone the work-related email I was sending while on the bus with my two DC; apparently I shouldn’t have been “playing with that thing” while DS stared out of the window and DC2 sat playing with an old bus ticket.

People, eh?

MrsWoolly · 16/02/2018 17:04

Thecrosskeys I lost it once with a taxi driver. He was driving behind me up my arse, beeping at me for driving at the speed limit, beeping at me for stopping at a red light, beeping at me for stopping at a zebra crossing to let someone cross the road, when he eventually followed me into the supermarket I confronted him.

I didn't swear but I did give him a piece of my mind, took photos of his car and threatened to report him.

It's our fight or flight response, you felt attacked, you reacted.

You could have handled it 'better' in front of your children, you already know that, sometimes we just reach breaking point.

Take a deep breath and move on, presuming you don't regularly get into altercations then I highly doubt you've got 'issues'.

In life we will encounter many cunts and arseholes,

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 17:14

The thing is, if the op went off like this regularly, she wouldn’t have started this thread.

Apologising to the driver was a good move, as it shows the children that she did a baddie and must make amends, but she still hasn’t given in to the rude woman.

Unforts, the woman will feel justified in her attack, but if op does want to apologise for swearing (and nothing else), then that could work.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/02/2018 17:17

OP I didn't think it was an unreasonable question to ask. Maybe she just pushed your buttons / caught you on a bad day / wound you up somehow then.

I think if I were you I woud just cringe a bit for a few days and then try and put it behind me. Not a lot else you can do now anyway.

UgandanKnuckles I'm not sure why I particularly irritated you quite so much when may others have expressed the same things but DFOD

minipie · 16/02/2018 17:29

Ouch OP. I can see myself doing this (I have a temper) but it wasn't great to lose it like that - unfortunately it will have lost you the moral high ground and probably confirmed the woman's initial opinion of you. (and possibly made a few other passengers agree with her). So nasty woman "won" this one due to your reaction.

wibblywobblyfish · 16/02/2018 17:36

I don't know what kind of reaction the older lady was expecting when she was that rude to you and your children?! I think if you are quite happy to dish out the insults, then you need to be prepared for a taste of your own medicine. Maybe the swearing wasn't the best idea but when you feel cornered and humiliated it's not always easy to be perfect.

loulou987 · 16/02/2018 17:40

Op don't loose a nights sleep over this.... that vile bitter woman deserved it! Your outburst will most likely prevent her from making other people's lives a misery in the future. It's hard work travelling with kids in tow never mind her tormenting you like that.

Differentcorner · 16/02/2018 17:51

Yes you were wrong to speak to her like that but I think you know that. It's not right for you to do that in front of your children either. Hopefully you will never see her again, she was in the wrong too but you lose moral high ground when you get vicious! Next time I would suggest that if she doesn't like children she takes private transport or ask her if it's hard work being that miserable all the time. Whatever is going on on either of your lives today no excuses on either side tbh

MistressPage · 16/02/2018 17:58

You were 100% not unreasonable to lose it with this horrible aggressive woman. Please do not apologise if you see her again. Sometimes we need to stand up to people who are rude and unpleasant, even if that means being rude and unpleasant ourselves. She has reaped what she sowed. If anyone was that nasty to my kids I'd definitely be telling them to fuck off!

petbear · 16/02/2018 18:31

@Bluntness100

And agree, I suspect much of this support is Aibu bravado as previously indicated. Written by folks who wouldn't say boo to a goose.

You don't get out much do you?

You have said this several times now, that the people here who say 'I would tell her to fuck off and put her in her place' and so on... would NEVER say it in real life. Clearly YOU wouldn't, as you are so sure other people wouldn't.

But many people I know would - including me. And I have too. Various women AND men have got a short shrift from me when they have fucked me off. I am as nice as apple pie 99% of the time, but if someone has pissed me off and crossed me on a bad day, they have gone away with their tail between their legs.

I don't care if they're women or men, my age or younger, or if it's someone 40 years older. I don't give a shit who you are, what gender you are, or how important you think you are; piss me off on a bad day, or attack my kids, and face my fucking wrath.

As I said, clearly YOU can't/don't answer back or stick up for yourself. May I suggest an Assertiveness course? You may find it useful.

And don't assume that because you won't tell someone to fuck off, and don't have the courage to stand up to people, that others won't do it.

Mishappening · 16/02/2018 18:34

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chopscheeky · 16/02/2018 18:40

She was totally out of order and no way would be be apologising to the bag! Try not to worry, I'm sure none of the judgemental bats on here are as angelic as they're making out.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/02/2018 18:41

@petbear maybe you might consider an anger management course as you sound quite angry and aggressive about this.

As it's been said before, it's perfectly possible to answer back/stick up for yourself assertively without swearing and ranting aggressively.

Telling someone to go fuck themselves is hardly ever a reasonable response, especially to a minor disagreement on a bus.

NewMinouMinou · 16/02/2018 18:50

Petbear didn’t say whether she swore and ranted or not.
I’ve sent people away with their tails between their legs without saying so much as bloody/bugger/nonsense/rubbish or poopoo-head.

Or, thinking about it, raising my voice.