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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
Shimmershimmerandshine · 16/02/2018 13:12

People just don't expect a well-spoken 60-something to say "fuck" and I get great amusement from giving their preconceptions a wobble

I was once looking for my booked seat on a packed train, got to the carriage and realised it wasn't there. I was a suited up middle-aged woman. I exclaimed loudly 'oh for fucks sake' as I got to the dead end. There was a group of teenagers in hoodies just looking at me like this Shock Grin.

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 13:14

I don't agree that the teenager's response was appropriate but I don't agree with making him apologise to the woman who was also unjustifably rude. Any punishment doled out should have acknowledged that two wrongs don't make a right - like if two people got involved in a violent scuffle - they'd both be punished but you wouldn't make the one who overreacted apologise to the one that started it, or you're absolving them of all blame.

Pictureiswonky · 16/02/2018 13:17

You do realise, OP, that your children will probably do the same to you at some point?

I don't think it works like that. The OP has sworn once in front of her children, and she has already explained to them it was not nice. I grew up in Spain, where my father and many other fathers swore indiscriminately, and a few mothers as well. I've turned up rather well adjusted and so have my friends.

The OPs children will understand even adults have moments of weakness. Nobody is perfect 100% of the time

Iluvthe80s · 16/02/2018 13:19

She sounded really rude. You may have over reacted but we all have bad days and someone was really nasty about your kids, when they were behaving, which would have made by pee-pee boil!

BiddyPop · 16/02/2018 13:32

I gestured forcefully (to go around - not the finger) to the lady in front of me who was reversing up the ramp (in to a basement car park) yesterday morning - we had to go backwards onto the roundabout. We got into the car park, through the exit.

As when you went around the corner to the entrance, there was a man on a ladder in poorly lit conditions with no advance, or even warning alongside him (ironically, fixing the lighting!) - smack bang in the middle of the car park entrance.

All I could do at that point, while she went off and parked having berated the foreman, was to also tell the foreman he needed warning signage in advance. Especially as the entrance was hidden from the road.

As they didn't pay any heed to me, I did actually ring the car park owners once I got to work (who admittedly did get them to use some signage - laughable tiny signs right in the car park entrance rather than up at the exit off the roundabout where they were needed!).

As I didn't see the lady afterwards, I left a note on her windscreen later when I got back, to apologise for getting cross at her as it wasn't her fault.

Sometimes there's not a lot you can do.

MNHQ
SophieLMumsnet · 16/02/2018 13:39

Hello all,

We've removed quite a bit of ageism so just wanted to hop on and remind everyone of our Talk Guidelines. If anyone thinks we've missed something - please do let us know by hitting the report button.

Thanks Flowers

IvorHughJarrs · 16/02/2018 13:54

As an older woman myself I do agree that our tolerance to young children goes down but that is no excuse for speaking to you as she did. Having said that there is definitely no place for the kind of aggression and bad language you responded with in front of young children. As long as you have dealt with that though I would say move on and don't give her a second thought.

I have missed most of the ageism but posters doing it should be ashamed of themselves. We are not a homogeneous group and don't deserve it any more than women, people of colour, LGBT or any other minority do

Ivymaud · 16/02/2018 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/02/2018 14:15

Being able to tell someone to fuck right off should be in every kid's conflict management toolkit...

There really are no words for that sort of idiocy.

BlueMirror · 16/02/2018 14:24

Yanbu to feel bad but not for shouting at the woman. For swearing and shouting in front of your kids. Ideally you could have showed them a better way to deal with someone difficult. But what's done is done. Make it a lesson to your children about how even adults make mistakes and tell them you're sorry they had to hear what they did.

pimlicolife · 16/02/2018 14:29

I don't think you overreacted for what it's worth. No one would get to refer to my child as 'that' without me losing my shit.

If you see her again I'd give her a brief steely stare and then just get on with your day.

Lizzie48 · 16/02/2018 14:35

@IvorHughJarrs I completely agree with you. We visited my MIL recently, she loves her DGDs but she doesn't have much tolerance for them. I heard her saying to my DH, 'I'm not used to having so many children in my house.' We only have 2 DDs fgs, and they were behaving reasonably well, so I don't really know what her issue was. (Unless she was including our 18 year old au pair lol.)

formerbabe · 16/02/2018 14:39

Being old doesn't mean you're necessarily a nice person or that you can go round being rude and insulting about other people.

Op...I think you've done nothing wrong...she sounds horrible.

RuLu · 16/02/2018 14:41

I would have done the same as you if she referred to my 2 as 'that'. Try not to worry, she was unpleasant, you didn't react well to it but there are thousands of us who would have reacted in exactly the same way. Me for certain!! I sometimes think I've gone OTT but once it's done it's done & maybe she'll think next time before being so rude x

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 14:46

“Being old doesn't mean you're necessarily a nice person or that you can go round being rude and insulting about other people.”

Had anyone on this thread suggested otherwise?

ilovesooty · 16/02/2018 14:49

No they haven't Bertrand but people will read what they want to read, not what's actually there. Hmm

Nursejackie1 · 16/02/2018 14:54

You don't need to apologise. She was being vile about your kids and you reacted. In an ideal world you would have been calm enough to think about it and react in a controlled way but you are human and have emotions. Don't worry about what you said. She was in the wrong, you shouldn't have been put in the position to have to react to her crap.

CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 15:16

Being old doesn't mean you're necessarily a nice person or that you can go round being rude and insulting about other people.

Op...I think you've done nothing wrong...she sounds horrible.

OP acknowledges she was wrong to swear at the woman. Shame you can't see that it was wrong formerbabe. Credit to OP for holding her hands up.

I've seen a little child's stricken face when their mum started swearing at everyone around her. It's horrible for kids to see that.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/02/2018 15:18

I think it's ironic that so many people are talking about the lady disrespecting the children, but ignore the fact that the OP's behaviour in front of the children was far more inappropriate!

OP the lady was annoying. Your reaction was completely and ridiculously over the top. I don't know if you've been asked this but do you have anger issues because your reaction was completely disproportionate and unacceptable

formerbabe · 16/02/2018 15:19

Yes I think swearing in front of the kids isn't ideal... however, I don't think swearing at the woman was wrong in itself.

CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 15:25

formerbabe

There's no denying the woman was rude, but calling someone a 'nasty, fucking bitch' and telling them to 'go fuck yourself' is not a proportionate response to someone telling you you are a disgrace and calling your children 'that'. And especially not in front of your children.

PaddyF0dder · 16/02/2018 15:25

Well played. Well played indeed.

She deserved it.

AugustaLoveday · 16/02/2018 15:50

Iamagreyhound Very well said.

UgandanKnuckles · 16/02/2018 15:51

Pray tell, what IS a "proportionate response" to someone referring to your children as "that" and calling you a "disgrace"??

@BitOutOfPractice anger issues!! Calm down hen

LakieLady · 16/02/2018 16:08

I'm also comfortable with small children hearing their mother swear. Being able to tell someone to fuck right off shouldn't be the only item in a kid's conflict management toolkit, but IMO it should certainly be in there.

I come from a very sweary family and that's undoubtedly why I'm very sweary. But I was taught from an early age that some people find it rude and that swearing was really only for domestic use, and that I must never, ever, say "fuck" in front of grandma or Auntie Eileen, or at school.

And I never did.