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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sorry for my friend with the eco-warrior DH?

304 replies

k2p2k2tog · 15/02/2018 14:29

(sort of lighthearted but not really)

Very close friend is married to a professional eco-warrior. He's employed high up in a green charity and has in the past been involved in Green politics. They have two daughters of school age. Friend also works but not in the green sector, she's a nurse.

Because her DH is a dyed in the wool "knit your own lentil" person, he has to be seen to walk the walk as well as talk the talk. Nothing non-eco. They do have a car, but he cycles to work and she takes the train.

But what makes me feel REALLY sorry for her, and her girls, is that they have bought a touring caravan for all holidays. Despite the fact they're earning good money and could afford a week in the sun somewhere, they spend every holiday cooped up in a tin box so he can show what a WORTHY person he is.

They are currently in Wales. In the freezing cold and rain. In fucking FEBRUARY.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2018 15:50

Either it isnt bothering her as much as it is bothering you (on her behalf) as she goes along with it or he is a bully and selfish git who she doesnt feel she can stand up to.

You know better than me which that is. If its the latter talk to her and encourage her to start standing up for herself a bit, such as taking her girls on an "abroad" holiday and leaving him at home if he wont go. Such as pointing out to him that there are not just his principles and opinions in this marriage, perhaps teaching her children about other places and cultures are just as important to her as his eco-mentalism is to him.

If it is that she is basically happy to go along with him then just accept that

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/02/2018 15:51

Friend and girls have to go along with it, there's not much choice. He is a bit preachy about a lot of things to be honest.

Right, and like it’s already been pointed out, she knew this when she married him. Why should he be expected to compromise on his principles? If she wanted someone without a spine she’d have married someone like that.

So what if he’s preachy? She obviously doesn’t mind else she wouldn’t still be with him, and you aren’t the one married to him!

Original poster
k2p2k2tog · 15/02/2018 15:52

Nah, he's not abusive.

He's just very .... earnest. I think if Friend suggested taking the girls away for a week somewhere hot and foreign he'd spend weeks earnestly explaining to her why she'd be murdering an orang utan by going or something.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 15:52
lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2018 15:53

Having a camper van doesn't mean you have to take it everywhere. It's not a dog. They could go away by train, take the Eurostar and Europe's their oyster. There are heaps of campsites with tents or static vans ready-pitched, to rent. How about youth hostels? Home-swaps? Air B+B?

So, is she really as bothered as you imagine by the lack of sunny holidays? Or has she actually not made much effort to look into the options because she's ok with how things are?

Or, is she desperate to go somewhere else but knows he'd squash her every, well thought out, suggestion? In which case, there comes a point when she and the dcs can do their own thing.

Or, what you're talking about is a controlling relationship. in which case it's that, not anyone's environmentalism, that's the problem.

Acopyofacopy · 15/02/2018 15:53

This really is none of your business! Unless your friend complains about being forced to live the eco life, that is. Fortunately everybody is free to live their lives as they please. I wonder what she would say if she knew that you feel sorry for her! Hmm

pictish · 15/02/2018 15:54

I think it’s more that you would prefer a week in Costa Del Sun to a British caravan holiday and therefore you’re having trouble relating to their set up and/or choices. Unless she is actively complaining about it, I wouldn’t patronise her with your sympathy.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/02/2018 15:54

Presumably she's talked to you about this and you know for definite that she'd rather go to Disneyland or whatever? Holidays in the sun aren't compulsory or necessary for a minimum standard of living. No child is deprived by not going to Disneyland.

Hygge · 15/02/2018 15:55

She's married to a man who lives by the ethics and principles he encourages in others, which ought to be seen as a good thing really.

I got the impression you somehow think he's just doing this for show. And you seem a bit over-invested in pitying your friend.

Has she said she's unhappy with the way things are? Because if not, perhaps you need to just focus less on what you feel she's missing out on and accept that she's married to him and living this life and is happy with it. You might even end up damaging your friendship with her if you keep this up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2018 15:55

if Friend suggested taking the girls away for a week somewhere hot and foreign he'd spend weeks earnestly explaining to her why she'd be murdering an orang utan by going or something.

That counts as bullying in my book, especially if she felt so ground down that she didnt go. Marriage is about compromise, if he doesnt feel that he could fly on holiday then thats fine, but why does he think he has a right to lecture her if she thinks differently?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2018 15:56

I'm afraid you just sound very flippant and dismissive of someone else's very real, well thought out concerns and responses, to a serious issue that poses real danger and major inconvenience to us all.

ZBIsabella · 15/02/2018 15:57

Lots of people enjoy holidays just in the UK. Not everyone's cup of tea is Lanzarote full board packed in like sardines with all and sundry. We had some lovely holidays in England as children miles from anyone, miles of beaches just to us, running through driving rain.We are not all spend spend spend softies!

JaneEyre70 · 15/02/2018 15:59

My SIL has become a bit of an eco warrior and her house/garden is so full of useless shit that she insists is going to be used one day that she sadly looks now like a hoarder. She brings a whole new meaning to the world frugal but to me, it looks like she lives a life of utter misery. She's also a knit your own lentil type, and I completely get what you mean OP.

pictish · 15/02/2018 16:00

You might not give a shit about the environment OP (well done on that) but thankfully some other switched on people do and in this case, he’s genuine enough to walk the walk. If his poor, beleaguered wife being denied Coca Cola on a sun lounger doesn’t like it, she can leave can’t she?

BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 16:07

Maybe because he feels really strongly about it? Not everything is up for compromise in a marriage. Ultimately she could take the kids on a sun-break if she feels that strongly about it - if not by flying then by car or train or ferry.

Trying2bgd · 15/02/2018 16:17

YABU

There is more to a marriage and family life then where they go on holiday and what they spend their money on. Some of the best times we’ve had as a family were playing board games together or hundled over an iPad in a dingy uk hotel room watching a film together whilst it poured with rain outside. And let’s face it if we all were even 10% as dedicated to green causes as this guy, the world would not be in such a dire state.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2018 16:20

Maybe because he feels really strongly about it? Not everything is up for compromise in a marriage. Ultimately she could take the kids on a sun-break if she feels that strongly about it - if not by flying then by car or train or ferry.

Why should she limit her destination choices by taking a ferry (which the OP has already said is very difficult due to location) if she isnt as bothered by air travel as he is?! He doesnt have to go if he doesnt want to, but why does he think he has the right to stop her choosing her preferred holiday and method of travel by nagging and lecturing?

If he was a fervent religious believer and insisted that their whole life revolve around his beliefs, regardless of whether his family agreed, then the answers on here would be very different.

extinctspecies · 15/02/2018 16:20

I feel sorry for you OP and your narrow-minded views.

I'd be perfectly happy spending a week in February in Wales - parts of it are stunningly wild and beautiful.

And with every eco-friendly choice that family makes they are contributing to a better future world for you and your kids.

Feel free to keep burning oil and emitting loads of CO2 on your nasty little airborne jaunts to the sunny Costa del Crap or wherever you like to go ... and see how you like being judged for your selfish actions.

DonaldWeasley · 15/02/2018 16:20

How far are you from Portsmouth? We’ve had Koran

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2018 16:20

100 miles from Dover is still pretty far south, she could take the train down to the coast and get on a ferry or the Channel Tunnel train. They could go somewhere else but she chooses not to.

How old are these poor neglected kids?

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2018 16:20

Maybe because he feels really strongly about it? Not everything is up for compromise in a marriage. Ultimately she could take the kids on a sun-break if she feels that strongly about it - if not by flying then by car or train or ferry.

Should have been highlighted in my PP

DonaldWeasley · 15/02/2018 16:20

Sorry, we’ve had lots of sunny starting from a Portsmouth ferry (you can even go to Spain!)

ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2018 16:24

Does he do his share of housework and childcare, OP? Does he appear to treat your friend with respect and kindness? Is it the case that he 'won't allow' her to take DC on a holiday that involves flights or hotels?

(TBH the fact that he won't stay in a hotel for 'eco reasons' makes him sounds like a self-righteous cock. Hotels and guest houses are often important parts of a local economy.)

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2018 16:24

Sorry I realise toy said 500 not 100, my bad