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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a shit mum?

167 replies

Bluetree · 15/02/2018 08:53

I'm not suffering from depression. I love my children.

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!

OP posts:
Trialsmum · 15/02/2018 08:55

Well... erm... it’s not ideal, sorry.

SweepTheHalls · 15/02/2018 08:55

Honestly, I do think you need to up your game. Occasional days like that are fine, but not everyday. Pre school is great, find one you like and get up and get there every day, and then go and do something with the 2year old.

MrsMaxwell · 15/02/2018 08:56

Is this a reverse? Hmm

GreenTulips · 15/02/2018 08:56

Well - you know what the problem is

Either accept it
Or deal with it

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 08:58

No reverse. I want honest replies. I know I need to get my shit together. We are just in a lazy rut. All of us. It's become the norm after months and months of bugs and viruses.

Need a kick up the backside!

OP posts:
FluffyWuffy100 · 15/02/2018 08:58

If this is real, you could do an awful lot more with your children.

Why don't you go to the park? Why don't you take them exploring?

Why do you feed them crisps and chocolate and crap? At 4 and 2 they really don't need to be eating that on a regular basis.

What kind of changes woudl you like to make? What do you feel would help you to make a change?

Do you read to them? Do you do art/craft? Drawing and painting helps develop pencil grip and fine motor skills. Do you talk to them? Do you do messy play?

Costacoffeeplease · 15/02/2018 08:58

No, definitely not ideal, why do you think you’ve got into this ‘routine’

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 15/02/2018 08:58

It’s not great, no, but then you are aware of that already.

I think you need to get a balance. Sort out their diets, get them up, washed and dressed. Go out in the morning (I say that because o found it easier to be up and out). Trip to the park, play group etc. Lunch, then do your own thing in the afternoon.

Some kids need to go out and run, some don’t. But it’s good to have some structure and interaction. Sleep and diet are really important.

Spannerkeks · 15/02/2018 09:00

It isn’t a straight choice between iPad and pretend play - there are things you can do that are far less painful: baking, craft, painting, drawing - these last three will help with fine motor skills and support writing. Also games like twister, snap, snakes and ladders are fun for those ages, guess who and connect 4, draughts and even chess to play with the eldest.

My kids love iPad and tv too, but they love playing with me if i’m willing to give it my full attention.

StandardRussian66 · 15/02/2018 09:00

I went through patch like this, kick yourself hard and make it better.

Callamia · 15/02/2018 09:00

You don’t think this is ok, so that’s worth dealing with.

What one thing would you change today if you could save a magic wand? Their diet (prob one of the most important). Good news - that’s easy enough because you’re in charge of that. It seems like you’ve forgotten that you ARE in charge. Put away the tablets and phones and go out. Go anywhere. It honestly doesn’t matter.

Teapotmadam · 15/02/2018 09:00

You need to get into a routine. Whether you 4 year old wants to go to pre school should be largely irrelevant you should take her anyway.

I don't like pretend play that much but force myself for half hour, go for walks etc or park. You're being selfish stop putting your dislikes before their needs

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/02/2018 09:02

Where is their dad in all of this?

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:03

I do speak to them. My 4 year old has always been very advanced with her speech and the 2 year old is absolutely on track. She can hold a pen fine and draws/colours. (She's nearly 3)

In complete honesty, I don't like parks because I'm not over confident on socializing with other mums and other peoples kids make me nervous. If that even makes sense!

The food side of things, I made a fresh home cooked meal every evening. We have Mcdonalds probably once a week for lunch if we're out shopping and I haven't made a packed lunch. They get crisps as a snack because I just don't know what to give them that they will actually eat.

I have tried to get them into a routine. But the 2 year old still needs a nap and I just don't seem to be able to work out the nap/bedtime balance! She either doesn't sleep for long enough at nap time and is cranky for the rest of the day, or she sleeps for too long then is a nightmare at night..

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/02/2018 09:04

So you know it’s not ideal but only one person can change it.

Start small and focus on one or two areas at a time. Decide which areas you need to focus on first.

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:04

@FluffyWuffy100

He works 5/6 days a week from 5am-6pm. So he gets in, has dinner and then gets them ready for bed. His choice so he gets to spend some time with them.

While he does this I clean/wash up/washing etc

OP posts:
T2517 · 15/02/2018 09:04

Okay I don’t have kids but I am a nanny and I know how easy it is to stick a film on etc when you’re just knackered or can’t be bothered. Things aren’t perfect but you can definitely change it. I would suggest putting in some small changes at first. Do you have a park near you? Do they have scooters or bikes you could take with? Do some messy play in your kitchen with paints and glue - holding a paint brush will help your child to hold a pen. Have pens/paper available to draw with whenever they want (out of reach obviously but so they know they’re available). Play music while they draw if you think they can’t do without some kind of background noise. There are loads of ways you can make changes, please don’t give up! Also with the fast food - just stop buying it. They will moan like crazy at first but eventually you’ll break the habit. It is your responsibly to break the “addiction” you talk about - it won’t be easy or pleasant but if you feel like it’s a problem, sort it out before it’s too late. Involve them in cooking, preparing snacks - CBeebies I can cook has some great ideas. You’re not a shit mum!!

Makingworkwork · 15/02/2018 09:04

This is not kind thing to say but yes you are being lazy.

Giving them junk food is setting them up for a life of ill health. Without a set routine they will are more likely to get confused. Staying in house all day playing on the iPad is not going to help them learn anything. Sending your son regularly to nursery will help him know that education is important. In my opinion this is much more important than holding a pen but to help with this give him paper and a pen to draw with.

You sound like you want things to change so either do it yourself. I would start with a routine including getting dressed (nothing wrong with joggers and T shirts durring the day) and going to nursery or ring your HV for support.

What is wrong with play groups? Even if you don’t want to go to play groups then get out to the park, library, shop or a quick drink in a cafe.

RedSkyAtNight · 15/02/2018 09:06

Do you work? It sounds like you are not enjoying having the DC around all the time - maybe getting a job would be better for your family - the DC could have some routine with their childcarer and you might find playing with the DC/going to the park etc less onerous if it's not for so many hours a week.

I'd start by taking the iPad and phone away altogether.

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:06

@Teapotmadam

I know I am. 100%. I'm wanting to change this, hence the post.

I do play pretend, I just get bored quickly and try and get them to do something else like read or something similar. Which I know isn't nice for them as that's not what they wanted to do..

OP posts:
Chienrouge · 15/02/2018 09:07

Well it’s really not ideal, as you know.
I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and am far from the perfect parent. They occasionally watch a bit too much TV or eat a bit too much crap. I also bloody hate imaginative play and don’t do it (I tell them they’ve got each other for that!).
However they thrive on routine and fresh air. They’re both in bed for 7 and up at 7. We wrap up and get out to the park/for a walk pretty much whatever the weather as they need the exercise. They love crafts, baking, painting, colouring etc. They also love seeing friends and soft play. A lot of these things I also do for my benefit, otherwise I get pretty damn bored (I’m a SAHM).

T2517 · 15/02/2018 09:07

I posted before I saw some of your replies - do you have any nature trails or public rights of way near you? You won’t really have to talk to other people like at a playground but the kids can explore and get out and about.

Mamabear14 · 15/02/2018 09:07

This can't be real. Seriously?
I know a lot of kids use tech a but too much these days. And my DD has her pjs on now as we aren't going out today. She will be bathed and have clean ones in before going to bed though.
You have to send her to nursery. You know that.
You can make your own chicken nuggets with sweet potato wedges or something so they feel like it's junk food but actually it's much better. Give them vitamins. They need them.
Playing pretend is boring sometimes. Buy it's not for You, it's for them. You can also play the dummy fairy game to help her drop the dummy.

Avasarala · 15/02/2018 09:08

They need stimulation, and not from an iPad or TV. You're sort of setting them up to fail because they're going to get to school, and they'll struggle to play & interact with other kids. I'm actually quite a chocked that, since you don't want to play with them, you won't even send them to nursery. At least there, they have people dedicated to their development and they have friends/games etc. If you don't want to do it that's one thing, but you're also keeping them from going somewhere they can get all that with very little effort on your part.

They're old enough to play snakes and ladders and other board games; so that if you don't like role play. Or give them mega blocks and give them challenges like "build a house" "who can build the biggest tower" - that's something they can get on with and you don't need to really do much. You should be doing more, but at least that's better than nothing.

Junk food; just say no. My two are awful for or it; I don't keep much in my house but we live next door to my parents so they just go over for a visits and gran and grampa give them a sweet. I've really had to put my foot down about that - at most it's 2 snacks a day and less than 100 calories per snack. Just say no; if they don't accept it then give them a time out or..... Take away the iPad for a day, then 2 days, then 3 days.

I think everyone's kids get some time with a tablet these days, but it shouldn't be to the point where they aren't learning other types of play. They could role play together; it's one of the best ways for them to develop an imagination and think for themselves. Seems like the time for you to buck yourself up, accept that you chose to have kids and now you need to parent as best as you can.

If nothing else, they grow up quick and when you look back, all you'll have is a memory of them with their faces glued to a screen. That's not what you're going to want.

Chienrouge · 15/02/2018 09:08

Oh and we don’t have an iPad but my 4 year old likes to play games on my iPhone... she’s limited to 10 mins in the morning while I’m getting breakfast ready.