Am I a shit mum?

[Bluetree]

I'm not suffering from depression. I love my children.

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!

Could you consider going out to work and having them in childcare? They’ll get all the stimulation/ education you’re not giving them and it would give you a new discipline and aim too.

It just sounds like your not really cut out for it. Part of the reason I work is the concern I could turn into the sort of SAHM you’re describing.

@EllenLydia

Thank you

If you feel a bit stuck, why not do a big spring clean? Get them involved in sorting stuff out and cleaning - make it fun. It might clear your head a bit and get you all moving. I use songs and competition to get my little ones going - can we have all the toys put away by the end of teddy bear picnic? Etc. Might not be useful but I know that this time of year everything can just feel a bit stale. A group project with an end goal can be really refreshing. Could be anything but just work on something together and get some bonding time in without pretend play etc

My standard answer to ‘mummy play fairies/puppies/princesses/xyz with me’ is ‘why do you think I had 2 children? Play together’.

OK you're not a shit mum, I am sure your kids are happy, loved and secure. However as you have rightly pointed out you have become stuck in an unhealthy rut.

However, it is not insurmountable a few little changes will make a big difference.

Stop buying junk, if you don't have it in you can't gIve it.

Get your 4 year old registered at a pre school. Sure it will be hard at first as it's outside their comfort zone but once they start to make friends and find others to have imaginary play with they will love it.

So you don't like imaginary play, what do you like? Baking, crafts, colouring, cycling etc.. find something that you can all do together, you don't have to love it just not hate it.

You say you hate baby groups but you have never been to one?? Try some they are not an homogenous bunch. I am a bit introverted and find it difficult to just start talking to strangers so I am not a big fan of toddler groups but I did find one I liked that was quite structured with a lot of crafts. I loved baby / toddler swimming group for the same reason and my local library had a lovely singing and story time group (plus we could change our library books at the same time)

Stop the junk, start pre school and try 1 different group a week. You could change everything by the start of March.

Appologies if i sound a bit bossy / smug. I am not, my kids play on the ipad and love macdonalds but i do feel better about it if i can balance it out with healthier options . Good luck and hope it all works out for you.

@Chienrouge

That made me laugh out loud

Some of that sounds bad some of it sounds fine to me but I'm not your usual Mumsnetter.

Mine go to bed late every night and I don't bother seeing my youngest to pre school because she'd rather be at home. Staying in pjs when at home isn't a problem either.

The other stuff isn't great but still doesn't make you a bad mum. Maybe think of things you enjoy doing with them and do those more.

Also, don't worry, they get more enjoyable as they get older. Me and my older 3 who are 8,9 and 10 have some great conversations and they're really funny!

I also wonder if you might be suffering from a bit of depression, OP. From what I know from friends who have depression, it doesn't feel like you might expect it to.

Having a 2 year old and a 4 year old is overwhelming. It's exhausting and it takes away every minute that you might have for yourself.

I think I would see the GP to see if he/she suspects depression. In the meantime, make a list of the things that you want to change and work out which ones you can do first. The crisps and McDonald's should be an easier one - just don't buy them. Buy fruit, babybels etc. If there's a night when you can't cook, annabel karmel or cook or m&s ready meals for children are miles better than McDonald's and can just live in your freezer until you need them.

Agree with others that after updates it doesn’t sound too bad.

Break it down into manageable chunks of time if it helps.

I have to be in the mood for pretend play but 2 years old DD loves it so I do it for her, we’ve been fairies so far this morning, she’s now having some fruit whilst watching the dreaded peppa pig. Off to visit friends later.

McDonalds once a week isn't the end of the world!

Turn off the screens, they will play instead.

It isn't unusual for a 4 year old not write, it really isn't, some do it earlier many later. As long as you provide the materials they will get there.

Nursery is optional (so is school) but I think it would help you to get into a good routine whrre you are up and dressed and out of the house. Then take the two year old to the park/swimmin/soft play.

For the routine work out what time you need to get up for nursery and always stick to it. From there you will be able to work on naps. I have to wake my nearly 2 year old up from her nap otherwise she won’t go to sleep at night.

It’s really hard being an sahm if you don’t naturally enjoy those things. As pps have said it sounds like you would be happier with a job. With the kids though, you do need a routine nothing complicated, up and ready for whatever time preschool starts. Get dd there and then take little one for a walk, to feed the ducks, to a play area, wherever - it doesn’t matter. If you go for a walk look out for signs of Spring (or summer/autumn/winter) and talk about them. Come back and she can draw or paint or craft a picture of what you did in the morning. Get her to help you prepare things for meals so she feels they are ‘hers’ and may want to eat them more. Watch something like CBeebies I can cook together and then make the recipe as your snack or lunch.

Once your dd is home from preschool get them to play together. Have dolls or a shop or something pretend for them to do. No iPad or phone until a time you decide upon and then for a pre decided period of time. Good luck

If you start a bedtime routine, have the kids in bed for even 8 every night, and get up washed and dressed every morning and out in the fresh air for an hour even a day to start with, I guarantee everything else will slowly fall into place. A good night's sleep and fresh air will make such a difference, getting up and dressed starts off the day on a much better note, staying in your jammies just starts your day lazy and it tends to stay lazy.

Move the McDonald's to fortnight's even

I hate role playing but will happily play a board game, puzzle book, jigsaw, find something you don't mind playing, it doesn't have to role play

You are definitely in a rut you need to get out of, at least you recognise that

Oh and McDonald’s once a week is hardly a crime! Just focus on cutting the crap the rest of the time

Blue, I think how you parent is probably how a lot of children are parented.

Is it ideal? Well, it depends.

What do/did you do before being a Mum?

I agree on making small, manageable changes.

I’d start with the food and screen time. Just little tweaks. But more fruit and veg. Slightly less screen time.

Tackle bedtime next. You’ll get a nice relaxing evening out if eventually if you can manage to sort that!

Baby steps

Agree with Mummyontherun86 Sounds like YOU need some stimulation Bluetree! Mummy86 mentioned exercise - I know you sound shy/not keen on socialising, but if you have a local leisure centre I'd see if they've some evening exercise classes you could go to once DH is home. DP and I have one night each that's set-in-stone we go out and do some exercise. We find it really good for us more than just in waistline terms. I go to the leisure centre to group exercise - circuits, Bosu, Pilates and never utter a single word to anyone else in the room .

What do you enjoy doing? Is there something you like the kids can join in? And what do you like to snack on? (that's not crisps!)

Find some things you can improve for yourself, and I think things with the DCs will follow IYSWIM.

Someone on here once said something like think of what you like doing with them and do it as much as possible, or something like that!

Basically it's ok to not like pretend play, and they've got each other for that. Do you like reading to them? Getting them to help with cooking? Find what you enjoy and make it your thing and don't worry about the other stuff, that's what siblings are for

This is one of the most positive threads that I have seen I ages. That could have gone so wrong.

You are admitting you’re struggling/bored. I get it. I don’t particularly enjoy spending day in day out with my kids. Half term is killing me because I’m not at work!!!!

Drop the junk, replace with fruit, cheese, meat and eggs. As long as my kids are eating something, they’re happy!

Tablet time can be limited, when mine were younger I used it when I needed to do something like shower or cook or watch Jeremy Kyle

Just take each day as it comes and make one snack adjustment.

You say you live in a small village, is there much scope for walking about/beyond the village?

Thank you SO much for all of your replies.

I was honestly expecting this post to end so badly with being told I'm not a fit mother.

I'm going to go out for a while now, so I will read and reply later..

THANK YOU

I don't think you're a shit mum, but you know that you could be better, or you wouldn't be posting! But I'm pretty sure we could all be better.

I'd second PP about having a routine, and start each day as you mean to go on. I know if I let my DD come downstairs in her PJs it'll be a nightmare getting her dressed. Similarly once she's got the iPad it's a tantrum to get it back!

We try to alway go out somewhere in the morning- not necessarily a "fun activity", sometimes just to the supermarket. Although even the supermarket can be fun at that age! Then home for lunch & nap, then an indoor activity in the afternoon: baking, drawing, play dough, lego, music... yesterday we built a fort out of cardboard boxes! The CBeebies website has great ideas of things to do.

With the food - again you know this isn't great or you wouldn't mention it. You can make homemade nuggets, chips etc for their "treat", and for snacks: fruit, cheese, breadsticks, rice cakes, yoghurts. They'll probably kick off for a few days but if you stay firm they'll have to get used to it. We tend to make a (low sugar) cake every week using whatever fruit hasn't been eaten: so far we've had banana bread, apple & sultana cake, pear & blueberry. By getting them involved in the cooking/baking they're much more likely to eat it! Then you're sneaking fruit into them too

Good luck, it'll be hard at first but once you're in a routine it will be easier for all of you.

Small not snack*

1. Must make bedtimes earlier, for your sanity especially.
2. Get them both into nursery!!! The nursery will get them to do all the messy stuff (painting, arty crafty stuff, playing outdoors). That way when they get home and just play on the ipads you won't feel bad.
3. As for food, like above, get them to a nursery that provides lunch My children went to a nursery that was 8am-1pm and provided a home made meal everyday that way for dinner I gave them freezer food and didn't feel guilty!

What do you enjoy doing? That's a good place to start thinking of things you can do together.

Could you cook with the dc? Eg my toddler adores cooking things like omelettes with me. I cut up loads of different ingredients, letting her help where possible, and give her a little bowl to put the bits she wants in. She tastes as she decides and invariably ends up with loads of veg etc in there. She gets to mix in the egg and watched while I cook it.

We also love dancing together. She now knows how to tell Alexa which songs she wants to hear!

Could you go for a walk in a nearby wood or similar and look for insects etc, or make up stories along the way?