Page 5 | Am I a shit mum?

Atticusss · 15/02/2018 10:32

I think you are downplaying the good stuff you do and being too hard on yourself. Your post could have said:

I feed my kids a home cooked healthy meal every day but they tend not to eat much and I think I offer them too many crisps. We have Macdonalds about once a week. We live rurally so there aren't many activities nearby but my 4 year old goes to nursery with the occasional day off and we build with blocks, do baking and colouring and they love educational games on the iPad. Making sure they get outside is important to me so we have a trampoline and a swing which they use in all weathers. We have too many pyjama days, and we could improve our diet, am I a terrible parent?

I'm sure you would have got different replies.
I read a study that said iPad play is actually comparable to reading and should be encouraged as it isn't passive. I would try and force yourself to do at least one playgroup or park trip a week, and buy a lot of east snacks in to get out of the crisp rut, make an effort to get everyone dressed because I find it I don't I feel really lazy and can't be arsed to do anything. They are really small things you need to change. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Atticusss · 15/02/2018 10:36

Also giving your child the occasional day off nursery when they don't want to go isn't terrible parenting. It's being sensitive to their emotional needs, nursery is optional not a necessity. I'm sure you wouldn't do it once they are in school so enjoy the days off while you can.

Commuterface · 15/02/2018 10:42

From you post there are a couple of things that really stick out for me that you need to change as soon as possible but I'll answer in the same order you have written:

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play. Hide the ipads! Also go out in the morning instead of watching TV and then, as a PP said you can have a more relaxed afternoon.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play. I'm not mad keen on pretend play. Do they not play with dolls etc with each other? Otherwise engage them in different play such as art, games etc.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction... Be more organised and do not buy it. Occasional treats are fine. Just not every day. Don't have crisps and chocolate in the house. Don't travel to McDonalds

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm. To me this is unacceptable. Sleep is so important for growing children. You need to work on this.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible. I hate them too. Nothing wrong with that.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc. Again not a massive deal but try and take them to the park when the weather is better to ride bikes or scooters

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal... Get them and yourself dressed - not difficult.

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night. Again this is unacceptable for me. You should be able to reason with your 4 year old now and explain why she can't use a dummy any more. Keep telling her she isn't a baby etc. You will have to toughen up and put up with the screaming when you take it away. Ditto the bottles of milk. Change it for a small cup of milk in the kitchen before bed.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is... Depends on the child but by not sending your 4 year old to nursery you aren't helping.

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her.. I'm sorry but this is sheer laziness on your part. Your 4 year old needs social interaction, routine and to be learning skills she isn't learning at home. I feel strongly that by not sending her to nursery you are actively holding her back. I presume she will be starting school in September? What are you going to do if she says she doesn't want to go? You need to address this now!

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 15/02/2018 10:45

No, that sounds awful but you know that. Having small children is hard. Mine are the same age as yours. DH is out 8am - 6.30pm. I'm far from perfect but I do well by them.

Changes to make:

the 4yo goes to nursery every day unless she is too unwell to go. Zero discussion. Some days she has a moan so I focus on the nice things we will do after nursery.

in the meantime, toddler and I do 3 baby groups, a supermarket/errand morning and a tidy the house morning (today!)

12 - 1 every day is lunch then cartoons. 4yo is hungry after nursery so I give them a big, healthy dinner-type meal as she is more likely to eat it then. TV goes off at 1pm.

4yo has swimming lessons and dance class 2 afternoons a week. We see family one afternoon. We go to the park at least once a week in the winter, we just choose the best day (this afternoon).

I fucking hate pretend play. I grin and bear it for half an hour then 4yo has a choice of playing more on her own or doing something else.

I don't "teach" my 4yo anything. She has preschool 5 mornings a week. We do a lot of games, jigsaws, craft stuff, outings so she learns a lot but I don't go out of my way to teach.

We go out as a family every weekend. We play games as a family every weekend. We have a movie night every weekends. My 4yo chooses and we have popcorn and too many sweets.

My DC don't get my phone or tablet. The tablet gets used once in a blue moon for homework. We aren't a techy family.

My DC love McDs. We go maybe twice a month. We go out for pub lunches too though so they do get chips and crap every week but they are active kids so I'm not fussed.

Reading at bedtime is essential for both. We only skip the books if we're on holiday.

nursy1 · 15/02/2018 10:46

Change one thing. Do it for a week then add the next. That way it’s not too overwhelming.

PaddyF0dder · 15/02/2018 10:48

Well yeah. It kind of sounds like you are.

Hey, you asked. Which means you kind of already know that. And you’re not “all lazy”. You’re just lazy and the kids are learning from that. They depend on you to set an example. So start setting a better one.

Start making basic changes. Change one thing at a time and give it 2 weeks of consistency to let that change become normal. It sounds like a lot of changes need to be made, so really just pick any of the things you’ve mentioned and make a positive change. And then be consistent, no matter how difficult it is for you and the kids.

Are you ok? Are there any personal reasons why things have gotten like this?

sameoldtat · 15/02/2018 10:48

Yes

crocodarl · 15/02/2018 11:11

Well if you love them and you're not depressed, don't sweat it too much! Just make sure you're not stopping them from eating healthily/getting enough fresh air/exercise just because you don't like it.

If you want to get them eating more healthily just don't give them so much crap (and try not to have it in the house where they can see it) and eventually they'll probably start eating more at mealtimes.

You can go to parks without talking to other mums. It's not difficult. Just smile and say hello then avoid eye contact. Or just avoid eye contact if you really can't cope with saying hello (we all have days like that).

As for the screens, well, that sounds weird to me but maybe it's not. When you look around, most people spend most of their time in front of screens. I find that depressing but if you don't then you don't. I understand what you mean about playing with them, I'm not wild about that either... but I quite like reading aloud to them, or drawing/colouring. And making 'dens' outside.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 15/02/2018 11:23

Sorry NRTWT.
But. As many others have said diet and screen time need sorting out.
My 2 would spend all their waking hours on PS4 given the opportunity. We restrict them to 1 hour, 5 days a week. It was a slog though, I can't deny. We had to limit their sessions by doing am and pm sessions, slowly reducing them, and then after lunch only (or school) and end before dinner. TV is ok before bed but they have at least half hour before bed with no screen or tech. I do all my surfing once they are in bed or they see I am breaking the rules.
Re crap food. Again, I'm sure they would eat pizza every day given the chance so we started by making our own pizzas (at least you know there's not hidden salt and sugar in them?). We tried to avoid brown dinners and instead used them as a treat for movie night. I know this goes against the grain using food as a treat but we looked forward the evening of popcorn, burgers and sweets. Yours are much younger than mine when we had issues. (It gets worse over school holidays when things naturally slide and there is more xmas chocolate about etc)
It's so much harder when they are at school and you get tales from their friends that they play tech all weekend and Merlypuss' kids are so hard done by.
If parenting was easy, forums like this wouldn't exist.

Topsy44 · 15/02/2018 11:29

I agree with Atticuss. I think it's the way you've worded your post.

None of us are perfect and we've all got things we'd like to change with our little ones, so go easy on yourself. Start with small steps and then when you can see them working, it will give you the motivation to move onto some other things.

I never thought my dd would give up her nightly bottle of milk but I used the bottle fairy idea and then moved onto a cup of milk, then onto water. I think sometimes you feel you just don't have the energy to try things out and you're worried you'll get even more tired if you change things as they'll kick off etc.

Also, maybe put your mind at rest a bit, my DD had problems with her pen control, despite having access to lots of drawing, playdoh and nursery. It's also a sign of dyslexia so please don't beat yourself up about that.

Looking after under 5s is exhausting. Concentrate on all the things you are doing well and the other minor things will sort themselves out in their own time.

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 11:36

Honestly, you just need to be very strict when you have two children that young. It will be two months of hell but then it will be much easier.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 11:39

Op I think it will get better anyway. I was cruising this when my two were small. In a very short time your two will play competently with each other and not need you which gives you the headspace you need.

The nursery issue is standalone and needs addressing but I don't think it's part of you beating yourself up about homelife.

I know the things that my kids like the most are our family routines - thi k about kaki g your own family traditions it can be very good for bonding. Ours are eating sweets walking the dog, bath bombs and always music on when they are in the bath, pancakes on Saturdays, watching a film under a blanket with microwave popcorn.

Your kids already have a lot compared to some. The ore school years are hard stop berating yourself x

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 11:40

From the update the dirt doesn't sound that bad my kids eat McDonald's once a week and what?

Hissy · 15/02/2018 11:47

My dear OP.

My DS is 12, he and I are the closest we can be, I adore him, and he adores me. He's polite, intelligent, well spoken and popular.

for the first 3-4 years we lived abroad in a godforsaken hole of a country with pretty much zero interaction with anyone. The interaction we did have with the locals was nothing short of disastrous. I had ONE (British) friend, I saw her every couple of weeks.

We spent DAYS, weeks, months, indoors. when he was tiny (so no impact to him at all) I spent almost 3 months without setting foot outside the house. Yes my muscles wasted, yes eventually I became agoraphobic, yes there were some dark dark days, but I was not personally depressed.

My DS hardly socialised with any kids before he was 4. We did have the telly on most of the time, because it gave a background noise.

I tried painting with him - he wasn't keen
colouring, also not so much
papier mache - mostly keen in painting it, and playing with it AFTER id done it for him, otherwise not bothered.
Pottering about with cars, we did have music to listen to though,
I had house clothes - which were pyjamas/joggers, but I'd not sleep in them. there was no point in putting on outdoor clothes if we never went out.

TBH, I can't remember how the hell we got through our days, it was fucking awful sometimes, but I do remember having a structure to things really helped.

he didn't go to bed before much 10pm either, but that was because everyone in that country is practically nocturnal anyway and even then, the locals apparently thought I was bonkers having any kind of bedtime/system. There is another thread all in itself.

You love your kids, you just need to get some structure and make a few tweaks and the system will work better for you all long term. Given the situation at nursery, I'd not rely too heavily on that as a support either, your DD sounds like she's finding it hard and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to schlep over there if you know it's going to be problematic

Systems and routines DO help to break up the monotony of the day to day, so if nothing else set some bedtimes in place, set the time you want to stop for lunch.

Start tackling things like the dummy, that has to go, you know this.
Library is a good shout too

Main thing love, don't beat yourself up.

Your background is very much at the core of this, you are lost. If you have had a bad upbringing, sometimes it's not until you are a parent that you realise how bad things were and how what you had wasn't normal.

You are not your mother. We know this because you are asking us for advice and help. If you were a shit mother you would not care enough to ask here.

You came here for support and advice, you sound awfully isolated and 2 small kids are hard work, you want to turn this around and you can.

CollyWombles · 15/02/2018 11:54

No you are absolutely not a shit mum. When your kids are 10, it's not going to matter that once upon a time they stayed in a lot, played tech and ate crisps and chocolates. It's just not.

Yes, we should do our best for our kids, however we are also people too. Are your kids happy? Healthy? Reaching their milestones? You obviously love them because you care.

Really, the definition of a shit mum is very far from wearing pyjamas, eating crisps and playing tech for too long.

I wasn't an overly hands on toddler/preschool mum. My kids are all 7 and up now. One is incredibly arty, the other is head girl of her school, my son is in line for head boy and my youngest is a lovely autistic bundle of fun and cuddles. The girls go out and play with their friends, have sleep overs and the boys play Xbox or Lego or tablets.

They are the ones that get to judge my parenting 😊 try not to be so hard on yourself and don't lurk about on parenting forums, too much perfect parenting to compare yourself to!

Mossbystrand · 15/02/2018 12:19

Agree with everyone mentioning gradual change and introducing new things.

Consider a visual timetable, lots of child care settings use them as it's a great way to introduce activities. Children like to know what they're doing and what's coming next.

They're easy to make at home, just google 'visual timetable' to give you a few ideas. Then all you'll need is card, velcro strip s and felt tips.

Have a look at the cbeebies website for ideas.

meandmytinfoilhat · 15/02/2018 12:22

Take them to the park, get a huge colouring in pad and let them draw to their hearts content. Limit the ipads to an hour a day. Do you have a garden? They could go bug hunting? Local museum?

Is the 4 year old at nursery?

Kaykay06 · 15/02/2018 12:26

My children have been a bit too reliant on iPads etc and the things are getting hidden. Bedtime has been a nightmare recently
I think sometimes you coast along doing what’s easy not necessarily what’s right for you or your kids. Then you wake up and go oh feck it’s all gone a bit shit and it’s so much harder to claw it back to how you’d like things to be.

Currently trying to do similar at my home - 4 kids so you can imagine the fun
Not. Basically am doing one thing at a time until I feel things are more healthy and how I’d like them to be. Not beating myself up on a bad day and accepting that I’m not perfect, I’m a single parent and have had a period of unsettlment due to being homeless - still am and struggled with life a bit. Now feel more together.

I guess it’s up to you what you’d like to change about your life.
If the kids don’t have access to Ipad/phone (mine has no kids stuff on it) they can’t use it. Was sick of seeing them glazed and engrossed in the utter shit kids watch on them tbh. Sometimes getting out and about is a chore and a half but once we are out (kids go nuts refuse to put shoes on etc ) but love it when we get there it’s more exhausting at times but the more we get our the less stressful it is to do it. Youngest has sen and Really is challenging just now so would be easy just to not bother.

Hope whatever path you take you’re happy and your kids are too, no one can make that change but you and don’t listen to the judgy pants, they haven’t lived your life

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2018 12:56

With the proviso that ive not rtft:

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

Most kids are like this. Mine certainly are. If they will play with toys, that's a good start. This means that if you turn off the telly or limit it certain times they will be able to amuse themselves. Put some boundaries in place.
I also find that mine play better if they have a limited number of toys and know where to find them. They both spent much longer in independent play after I'd done a big clear out.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

It's fine not to enjoy pretend play. Some people think independent play is better for their development anyway.
Maybe play for 30 mins or so and then leave them to it.
Sometimes I find they have to push through that "I'm bored" phase to reach their reserves of imagination. Hold firm on the screens and they will find a way to amuse themselves. You can check out Janet Landsbury's blog for ideas about how to encourage this.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

Mine eat a lot of junk as well. It's not ideal but my eldest is very picky. At least yours do have balanced meals. Maybe cut out some of the snacks.

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

Mine were like this up to the age of 2ish. They didn't really start going down at a normal time until they'd dropped the afternoon nap. Actually the nap sort of got later and later until it joined up with the nighttime sleep. What I will say though-is that they both seemed to go down more easily and seemed more contented once a routine (bath, story, bed) was in place.

*I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.*

You don't have to like toddler groups and they're not compulsory. One thing they're really good for is putting some structure on the day. I very much lean towards permissive unstructured parenting. But if I've been to a toddler group in the morning I don't feel so bad about them watching TV in the afternoon . Trying out a 2 hour toddler group at a local church hall would be a very quick change you could make that wouldn't be a power struggle with the kids.
You don't have to interact with the other Mums if you don't want to. Pay the dues, take a seat and plug yourself into your phone if it gets you through.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

Can't get worked up about this. Personal choice.

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

Not ideal I'm afraid. Sorry no experiance about how to sort this out.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

Mumsnet will lead you to believe that everyone's kid can read and write early. 4 is still quite young. My 5 year old started primary school at "the beginning stages of mark making" (ie scribbling) and is doing ok.

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

It's not compulsory but personally I think it's best to keep them in a routine. Plus you know she will play pretend, do drawing and crafts, make jigsaws etc.. which takes the pressure off you to be Mary Poppins at home.

*Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!*

Yes, I am similar to you. If we had my way everyone would be sitting in their jammies, surrounded with mess, plugged into screens. I have to make a huge effort to make myself get up and act like a grown up.

You have listed all the negatives but I'm sure there are positive aspects to your parenting.
Also you can make changes. Maybe start by working out just one or two things you would like to change and then doing them. You might have a mutiny on your hands if you change everything at once!

I'd also consider getting yourself checked our for depression as a lot of the things you've mentioned seem to do with a difficulty initiating activity.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/02/2018 12:59

*No she isn't. I didn't grow up with my mum. I also didn't have a 'normal' childhood myself. So I have no structure to go by..

Not that that is an excuse!*

It's not an excuse but it does go some way to explain why you think you are this awful Mum.
Parenting isn't an easy job at the best of times but if you don't have a support network it can feel even more of an up hill struggle.

Easy off yourself a little, none of us are perfect parents. Sending you a hug x

lilabet2 · 15/02/2018 13:00

It sounds like you love your kids so no I don't think you're a shit mother!

If the question is 'Am I giving my children all the right resources and opportunities to reach their full potentials' then no I don't think you are at the moment but it sounds like quite a lot of this is due to your anxiety so perhaps you need to start gradually introducing some of the things that you have stated that you think they need.

Start with 10 minutes of pretend play per day just after breakfast. Also set a limit on their tech so that they are only allowed two hours per day (maybe one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon) and if possible try to find educational films and games on the iPad/phone so that they are learning whilst playing.

If you go to McDonalds for lunch once a week then I don't see that as a huge problem- for their Happy Meals could you just give them fish fingers or chicken nuggets, a fruit/veg pack and a bottle of milk whilst there because there's nothing magically awful about McDonalds provided you make healthy choices there and that would be a nutritionally balanced meal.

As far as pencil grip is concerned with the four year old- could you buy one of those special triangle shaped pencil grippers that are designed for kids or have you tried that?

I can understand if you find it difficult to go to parks, it sounds like that's related to anxiety issues- could you instead take the kids for a walk/day out at the weekend with your OH and then once you're familiar with a place then try taking the kids by yourself once a week until you feel more confident?

Oh also just to say that I agree with another poster who said they could engage in pretend play together if you prefer not to play too much. Perhaps buy some dress-up clothes and let them choose what to play together.

The bed time routine thing is probably something that would help you to feel that you have some time to yourself (e.g. if kids were in bed at 7pm then you'd have some time free) and that is going to be essential when your DC1 starts school.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/02/2018 13:06

Normally I think a parent should stay at home with the children but in your case, send them to day care and get a job!

merrygoround51 · 15/02/2018 13:21

You have had some really constructive and some absolutely awful responses but in a nutshell I think.

you are not neglecting your children but there are things you could do to give you all a healthier lifestyle.
it sounds like what you need is discipline which if you didn't grow up with can be difficult to develop.
Most parents hate imaginary play so dont get too stressed about that
Setting up things like a teddy bear picnic can lead to them having great fun on their own and you could do something like cut up fruit shapes
So some simple fixes are

Get out every day for a walk The children eat whats on your plate or go hungry but make things they will likely take to - look at Annabel Karmel for ideas Get yourself down to poundland and buy lots of arts and crafts stuff, and sit with them and do it.

Turn off the wifi for most of the day - you dont need it

GratedCarrotStick · 15/02/2018 13:32

Going by your updates I think you've been very hard on yourself in your first post.

I can totally relate to how you feel though. My kids watch more TV than I would like but sometimes when they're watching it and I'm getting things done time runs away from me. Ds1 has been a fussy eater from day dot so probably hasn't the healthiest diet either. At the minute I'm happy he's eating and working on getting more healthy things tried and included.

Since ds2 was born 3 years ago I do think iv had a touch of postnatal depression and definitely some anxiety issues. At the minute I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and once the better weather is in I'm planning on days out to parks/beaches with picnics.

We are in a terrible rut at home all round and I'm working on changing everything. You've taken the first step in that direction.

Feel free to message me for support if you think it will help.

Unmumsnetty hug and

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 15/02/2018 13:42

Having some kind of routine does make life easier, eventually.

It's good for the kids but it would be good for you.

If they go to bed earlier then you have time to yourself.
If they don't eat the balanced meal that you are cooking for them then ride out the tantrum and don't give them alternatives.

If they are on YouTube then make sure they watch something relatively informative.

Who cares if they live in PJs. Don't sweat it.

Your children absolutely don't get to decide when they go to nursery - you're setting yourself up for so many problems further down the road and their future.

It's okay for kids to be bored. Find something you like doing with them. I don't like pretend play either, but I do like sketching dresses with my little girl and I do like drawing dinosaurs with my little boy.

And if your children want some of your time then see it for the compliment it is - make them feel secure and loved. That's all they want.