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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a shit mum?

167 replies

Bluetree · 15/02/2018 08:53

I'm not suffering from depression. I love my children.

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:08

@Mamabear14

Why would it not be real? Telling the world how much of a crappy mum I am to ask for some help in changing?...

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 15/02/2018 09:08

I had many lazy days as a mum because in all honesty I'm a lazy person. Telly or DVDs together and pyjama days. But at that age my DC didn't have crisps and chocolate because I didn't buy them so they weren't there. Just as easy to chuck raisins and cheese sticks in the shopping basket. Also sugary / fatty but with some nutrition in them. DS has never eaten MacDonalds and DD had it once at a friend's and they're teenagers now (18 & 14). Just choose a cafe instead.

coffeeforone · 15/02/2018 09:08

If this is real is sounds like being a SAHM isn’t for you. I would get a job - I think both you and the little ones will be happier if they go to nursery

thethoughtfox · 15/02/2018 09:08

Don't let them sleep past 3 or 4 at the latest. I don't keep junk food in the house (that they know about) so they can't ask for it.

Camomila · 15/02/2018 09:09

I don't think anyone likes doing all of the 'good mum' things all of the time...i.e. everyone probably gets bored of going to the playground in windy February, gets dispirited when their DC has just ignored their lovingly homemade dinner...

But most people DO make an effort to do at least most of them most of the time because that's what's best for the DC.

Maybe start by picking one or two changes and then once they become 'normal' add a few on.

thethoughtfox · 15/02/2018 09:10

Try walking to a shop that's a bit further away so it's build in exercise, fresh air and interacting with the world ( look at that dog poo, flower, other child etc) without it being a 'thing'

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 15/02/2018 09:11

You're not crap. Your set up is not ideal but you know that and now you're fixing it. MN is really good for help. So as long as you implement the changes you're aiming for, you're not at all crap.

mimibunz · 15/02/2018 09:11

What about trying to tackle one of these at a time? Then it won’t seem overwhelming. Maybe start a weekend walk? Are you depressed by any chance?

Mummyontherun86 · 15/02/2018 09:12

I think you sound tired and a bit ground down. I do think there are things that need to change but you need to focus on the big stuff first or you’ll get overwhelmed.
My personal priorities would be food, exercise and sleep.
With food- maybe go cold turkey on the junk food for lent? Get them involved in making fruit salads, but an exotic fruit each week to investigate together. Make it fun.
With exercise, honestly toddler groups are my saviour, my two chase about on sit and ride toys for a least an hour three times a week. We do do other exercise like gym classes but I think getting to a toddler group twice a week is an acheiveable aim. If possible go to ones you can walk to for some fresh air for you all.
Sleep- set a bedtime and stick to it. Maybe 8pm if later is better for you.

Anyway, feel free to ignore my bossiness. Keep on keeping on. If they know you love them the rest, while not ideal(!), will come out in the wash.
Good luck

mimibunz · 15/02/2018 09:13

Sorry, just read you’re not depressed.

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:13

Thank you for the replies.

Just to add in - They DO play together a lot. I will take the phones and iPads away and encourage play. They CAN play and I DO play with them. I just don't enjoy that sort of play. But that doesn't mean I don't do it.. I do lots of other play with them, like stated above, building blocks, coloring, cooking, bath fun, we have swings and a trampoline in the garden which we use a lot.

The nursery thing - She goes more often than not. She's been having sine issues with a child there. (We have spoken to the teachers. Said child has SEN and has issues with other children too. She's a lovely girl, but my daughter finds her too much. We are working on it, as are the teachers) So when she wakes up upset that she doesn't want to go, then I don't send her. But make sure we do something else that day like soft play.

OP posts:
FragrantFloozy · 15/02/2018 09:13

Are you depressed? Or just finding parenthood difficult or lonely?

None of these things on their own are terrible, but a lifestyle of fast food, hours of screen time and late bedtimes, with no routine and little play outside in the fresh air or with their mum doesn’t sound a healthy or happy one.

Do you want to change things?

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 15/02/2018 09:13

It doesn’t sound too bad now you’ve updated.

Again, I think get the out in the morning. You’ve years ahead of having to face other parents/kids so might be time to bite the bullet. Honestly, I think we’ve all felt the same at some point.

Library, song times - activities you do with your child and don’t have to talk to other adults.

Have them painting/colouring at the table whilst you cook or prepare food.

Snacks can be raisins, breadsticks, cheese, slices of fruit. A plate of these for them to pick at. (Crisps are very very salted so best avoided).

Give the older one 45 mins on the iPad while the toddler naps. Though I think your 2 yo’s Nap is on its way out, so you’ve a chance of getting them both to bed by 7.30 here. No screens three hours before bed so their brains can settle.

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:14

I should also add that we live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. I do drive, but everything besides family is a good half an hour away. Not that it makes the world of difference

OP posts:
Mummyontherun86 · 15/02/2018 09:14

On the technology front. Tackle it once the other things are sorted but stop all screen time three hours before your kids’ bedtime. It will make it much easier.

AjasLipstick · 15/02/2018 09:15

OP...start with the screen time and then move on to getting them a bedtime routine.

Do youj have a garden?

Chienrouge · 15/02/2018 09:15

Your update sounds completely different from your initial post.
I don’t like playing pretend with them either. In fact I hate it. So I rarely do it. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent though, I do lots of other things with them.

Sirzy · 15/02/2018 09:15

I would stop the “she says she doesn’t want to go so doesnt” approach. You need to help tackle the issues obviously BUT in a few months then it isn’t going to be optional and giving her the idea it is now is going to make things much harder then.

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:15

@FragrantFloozy

  • I'm not depressed
  • I absolutely 100% want to change! Everything needs an overhaul.
  • Despite these things, they are happy kids
OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 15/02/2018 09:16

Is your Mum around for support?

Or someone else who could help you try to get a routine in place for them?

Make at least one change a day. Could you take them out for 30 minutes today? Just take a ball on to the closest bit of land and play?

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:16

@AjasLipstick

Yes we do, we have swings and a trampoline which get used come rain or shine. They enjoyed jumping in the snow the other day

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 15/02/2018 09:17

Also there's 'accessibility' under general in the iPhone iPad setting where you can limit the time on games - the machine switches off so you aren't the bad guy!

But yes - get them out and about - look for free stuff to do in your area - if it's half hour drive put some music on and sing - download books that read to them when your driving

Original poster
Bluetree · 15/02/2018 09:17

@Blackteadrinker77

No she isn't. I didn't grow up with my mum. I also didn't have a 'normal' childhood myself. So I have no structure to go by..

Not that that is an excuse!

OP posts:
PhilODox · 15/02/2018 09:17

Small steps- you can turn this around, and the fact that you're posting means you probably want to.

Gradually cut back:
salt
sugar
screentime

What toys do they have to play (by themselves) with?

Basics would be-
a cheap and cheerful teaset
Duplo or building blocks
Crayons/coloured pencils and paper
A couple of age-appropriate jigsaws
Toy cars
Maybe some dolls house people and furniture (they/you can make 'rooms' for them with a shoebox)

Nothing needs to be expensive, and you'll often find those things in charity shops.

Take them to the library, let them choose as many books as they can take out. Change them once a week. If you make one day"library" day, it builds structure and routine in the week for your children.

Take them to the park (I appreciate, it's winter, but if they have wellies, that's great- let them splash and run off energy. If it's dry, visit the swings/slide etc.

You don't have to speak to anyone- just smile and nod at them if they say hello, and walk on.

Children thrive on routine, and even if you say " okay, tablet is only for before lunch", they'll soon catch on.

The great thing is, you've got two...so they can play games together without you needing to play pretend. Unless you fancy it, if course Wink

EllenLydia · 15/02/2018 09:18

Please don’t call yourself names. You are their beautiful mum and the best mum they have. You have been thoughtful and honest about your situation and are looking for ways to change. That is brilliant and brave.

Why not think of one thing you could change and work from there. You have had lots of good suggestions and thought of some yourself like eating a home cooked meal. A routine might help. Breakfast, tidy up, wash, dress, teeth, walk, screen time , lunch and so on. You could tick them off as you went with the children.

It sounds like you might have some confidence issues yourself that you could think about. Mumsnet posting is a great start.