Am I a shit mum?

[Bluetree]

I'm not suffering from depression. I love my children.

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!

Get the routine into shape. Consider having a weekly planner of activities which you mainly stick to. Get your child into regular attendance at nursery, it’s very important for the transition into school. Ask them for tips on home play and encouraging her with pencil skills etc.

Make everyday life into a game and yes, cut out the crisps. Keep trying at groups. They are not all the same and remember, few people make friends the first time they go to a new place. It takes time and patience.

Establish better bedtime routines and you can be lazy and smug after they are in bed.

When dc2 was born, I found we were slipping into bad habit, too much telly for example, because we were tired and it was easier. The fact you've posted shows you know it isn't right. I found that small changes are the best way to stick to things. Make a commitment to doing one activity each day that you can look back on and say "yeah that was educational/good exercise" etc. It can be a walk, some craft, baking together, anything to distract from screens. Build up from there. I think if I hadn't done this, it would have slipped further.

As for snacks, maybe write a list in the morning of the snacks you're all going g to have a mixture of treats and healthy stuff. When the children ask for something, they can choose from the list and it gets ticked off. Then slowly reduce the number of treats on the list.

You can break this. You must break this. But you can do it slowly.

Set yourself a challenge:
First week: have breakfast all together at the table, no tv. After breakfast, straight upstairs to get dressed (no tv/iPad whilst you shower) then out. You don’t need to socialise, you have young children.
Out doesn’t need to be anything more than 30minutes on scooters around the block. Or chalking on the pavement, or if pouring down, just to the shops to buy some strawberries for snack.

The second week is the same as the first, but add story time after babies nap. All single up with books and no tv. When everyone wakes, make some muffins or biscuits for pudding after tea.

The third week increase outdoorsy stuff, after baking in the afternoon pop out again. Get involved in what your children do. Big hunt? Treasure hunt? Who can find the first flower? Who can hear a bird?

By week 4 your morning routine needs to extend a bit longer. Park trips? Walk around somewhere new?

You don’t need to remove tv/iPads all the time. But break them down into chunks.

You could also find some craft to do to replace baking on some days.

You’ve got this.

We have days like this and it’s so easy to get into a rut when you’re under the weather. Agree with tackling one thing at a time. Eg bedtime bottles: my eldest was still having them at nearly 3 and hated the idea of anything else, so one day we just bundled them up and put them outside for the ‘bottle fairy’ who obligingly left him some cool grown-up paw patrol cups to use in the evenings instead, AND a bonus toy car. Problem solved - he knew the bottles had gone so while he wasn’t happy that first night he accepted it really quickly.

We also find screen use can creep up so if we feel it’s getting too much then everything ‘breaks’ for a few days: iPad, TV, Netflix on mummy’s phone. The first morning is usually a lot of grumpiness but then behaviour miraculously improves, he starts playing with toys and after a few days he’ll stop asking. We then reintroduce it in a small way and it’s usually not for a few months (and generally an illness or something that’s meant he’s had loads for a few days) that we have to do a ‘reset’ again.

Agree with PPs about trying to get out every day. I try to think of my toddler like a dog that needs walking - which I know sounds horrid but it helps me get in the mindset that it’s non-optional, and even if it’s raining we try to have a quick bit of fresh air.

I can also be bad about sending him to Nursery when he doesn’t want to go - I feel guilty since I’m off with DS2 anyway. But I try to think of it as time to spend some one to one time with DS2, and get an hour’s peace while he naps. The thought of the break motivates me to get him in . Also keep reminding myself that in September he’s going to have to go whether he likes it or not, and be there on time, and it’ll be easier if we’re all semi-used to it.

The other thing I was wondering is how you’re feeling in yourself? I find that when my mental health gets worse I become a worse parent -m I can feel sort of paralysed with indecision. I can’t decide what order to do things in/ small tasks like getting us all dressed and breakfasted feel insurmountable, so I bung the tv on and sit on mumsnet, which feels better in the short term but actually makes things worse in the long run because then I feel shit about myself too. Do you think you might be feeling a bit down or overwhelmed generally which is affecting your motivation with the children?

In any case . It is really hard looking after small children - harder than I’d ever have thought before having them! And the fact you’ve posted asking for advice shows you are a good mum who cares- you’ve just got in a bit of a rut.

OP you sound like me. I am following for ideas to up my game too. I find it so easy to be lazy and we can easily sit in front of the TV all day. Then I get in a rut and it's easy to do it the next day and the next day...

Some great ideas in this thread.

One thing I have found really helpful is making sure we are all washed and dressed before we come downstairs in the morning, then it is easier to get out the house rather than coming down in PJs then thinking of heading out but all needing to get ready first which takes ages and then it's too late to go anywhere.

We like going to garden centres with pets / fish, walking to post a letter, going to the park, going to the supermarket.

I don't think it's not too bad.
But I would get more hands on toys for them to play. And get rid of dummy.
My ds played on computer games a lot from really early age, and watched a lot of TV, but didn't turn out to be too bad. It actually enhanced his literacy. But physical side was not so great.(He was ill so stayed indoors a lot.)
So if they are healthy, I would take them out bit more to do some physical play. And nursery is not just a child care but a place for children to learn social rules. So, it's important.
As for milk and bed times/routines, didn't affect ds so much either.

Not got much advice, but I do empathise.

My children are really fussy eaters and I'm just so lacking in imagination around food. It's soul destroying when meal times seem to bring little but anxiety and then shame/guilt because yet again you feel like all they have is crap.

You sound tired and introverted and I do understand how that can sort of put up this divide where you love your children fiercely, but the often exhausting practicalities of raising them can seem overwhelming. I get that.

For what it's worth I think the fact that you're obviously very aware of where you need to pick things up a bit is positive. Lots of people parent like this and don't really give it any thought.

I will come back to this later but -

I think it is so easy to slip into this kind of rut when it's winter, or if you have particularly "indoorsy" children.

Spring is on it's way (really, it is!) and it's the perfect time to get out and about. You will not have time to socialise on a park trip or family walk as you'll be looking after your children!

What bothers you the most? Fix that first.

Bedtime would bother me most. If I didn't get a couple of hours free at the end of the day I would go a bit stir crazy.

So I would work on getting a good routine going there first. Bath, pjs, playing with a book or a jigsaw puzzle then off to bed.

Then some lovely down time for you.

There’s some perfect parents on here

I’ve been a mum for 18 years and believe me there’s plenty more scope to be a ‘shit’ mum to come! Everyone I know me included does things because we can’t be bothered or it’s easier, it doesn’t mean we’re shit mums it’s just life. You’ve just got to get the balance right.

Yes things you should change like sending to nursery.
A set bedtime is good for little children not least because it will give you your evenings free and is good for them to be well rested.

You don’t need to go out everyday staying at home in your pyjamas is fine if you’re not going out but maybe plan to do things starting with maybe once a week going for a walk, painting or cooking.

Of course giving them chocolate and McDonald’s is fine as a treat, mine have always had these things.

You’re a good mum because you are thinking of them and how to make their lives better, so make those changes and you’ll feel better for it.

I've had days/weeks like this, esp after bugs and colds and long shifts and falling out of routine. And any one of my friends could've written your post op, so you're not alone.
I hate pretend play and parks and toddler groups. But I second what a pp said, get up get dressed get out. Just walk somewhere, if it's raining/been raining all the better, puddle jumping. If it's sunny take some bubbles, one blows one pops. Hungary hippos is my kids favourite game, it's loud but they'll sit for ages playing it, or hide and seek which is mostly both hiding behind curtains jumping out every so often shouting boo. Take away the iPad, we tend to have the TV on, if I want calm it's nature docs (David Attenboroughs voice is sooooo soothing) or we put music on and they jump around. They've both got their own cloths and a vinegar-water spray bottle so when I'm cleaning they're "helping". It's always easier to get healthier snacks into hungry kids, so save any snacks until after you've been out, mine have one piece of fruit each and one small (think hero's size) chocolate-fruit first. Routine is the biggest thing I couldn't live without, my 2yo dropped naps ages ago, so now we eat early 4-5 quick bath5.30-5.45 teeth story asleep by 6.30 my eldest is older so he goes to bed 7.45-8.30 depending on activities etc with a supper of fruit, cheese, or if he's been at an activity scrambled egg,soup, it's a last ditch attempt to get healthy food into my fussy eater .
You know what you need to change, pick the one you think will help you most and start there. Hth

@Bluetree

Other PP’s have given great advice but I wanted to add....

Do not give your daughter the choice of going to nursery or not. You are setting a highly dangerous precedent for when she goes to school. I was friends with a Mum for years who did this, eventually allowing casual days off during junior school just because ... and she’s now got a child refusing to go to secondary school in Y7.

You are the parent. Show them that nursery, school and then ultimately work are not optional - instill a work ethic - or else you pass on the laziness habits to them and make a massive rod for your own back

Some things are easier to change than others.

• nursery - no discussion. The oldest IS going to nursery whether they like it or not. It’s actually a good practice before they will start school in September. And send the 2yo as soon as they can.

• role play. I personally hated it. So I choose activities that I enjoyed doing instead (I read LOADS of books to them instead). I also looked at what they needed to not climb up the walls and that was going outside at least once in the day. So we went to our local park (for a walk, not always in the play area), the beach etc....

If you need to go out once in the day then I will also get in the routine of all getting dressed too.

• food. If you are already giving them the option of a nice meal wo crap, you are already doing very well. I suspect the Issue is that they are not hungry because they've eaten too many snacks. An easy solution is to just reduce the availability of snacks. My line at that age was ‘if you are still hungry, there is an apple in the fruit bowl’. Tbf they’ve actually eaten a few apples too!)

• sleep. I think it depends of what is working for you tbh. I loved my routine (as so do others on this thread) but a very good friend of mine never had a routine with her dc and still doesn’t. The routine is dictated by what is going on the day after. School means means in bed by xx, being in hols usually means having friends over etc... and no one usually goes to bed before 11.00~12.00. They just all have a lie in in the am instead. I think it can work well if your dcs are flexible enough re sleep and aren’t getting overtired.

There’s some nice posts on the thread now I started writing this after reading the first few which were a bit judgmental hence the perfect parent line..this has not gone how I thought it would which is great

It has been winter and that is always hard. But spring is almost here and a great chance to just grab a rug and sit on the grass, the children can play together outside.

I have a policy of no TV till 5.30 and I am so pleased when I manage that. Though as soon as the clocks change we will probably be outside.

It’s freat that you have recognised it

I know everyone says go out but the children have been ill and it's really cold. You live rurally so you have to go everywhere in the car and that's a pain. Not helpful I know. But you need to steel yourself to..... go out. If you tried the mum groups they might be ok
I lived rurally as a child and my DM didn't drive. I didn't go to school till 5. The difference between then and now is the huge amount of screen time which isn't great.
Reading between the lines, your DC are fine. It's you that isn't. You sound very lonely and isolated.

12 hours is a lot of day to fill with activities imho. You can do loads with dc and they’ve still had the tv on for 6 hours or whatever.

Anyway, I’d work with the pre school to get strategies for your dd as if you’re in s small village she might be at school with the other child for a long time. I’ve seen the kids at the school gate screaming when they don’t want to go in and it’s not pretty, so don’t set yourselves up to fail.

I don’t do messy stuff at home because I don’t want to clear it up. My mission atm is to find a baby group that does messy play so someone else can do it! I don’t expect to make friends at baby groups but if you stick to talking about dc someone will usually join in eventually. I think it’s very rare to make proper friends through your dc as I find all anyone talks about is the nitty gritty of their dc. Which is good as there’s no pressure to be a sparkling wit or anything- just listen and nod to someone moan about sleep or leaky nappies etc.

Maybe swap crisps for baked crisp things, lentil crisps, mini rice cakes etc etc. For me the point of these things is you lob them at the dc and it’s no effort. So find other things that are healthier that are the same.

Being at home all the time is really hard. Can you get the littlest in with a cm or a nursery to get a break and some headspace?

It is nobody else's place to judge your parenting OP, but the fact you have posted here, so honestly questioning the way you do, shows that you care, and want things to change. We all get ourselves into ruts, so you are not alone on that, and there is no need to feel inadequate. But setting good precedents as others have said, is important. There are some things that are just not negotiable in our house, and going to nursery / school, has always been one of them. My eldest started nursery at 2, and did not have a day off school until she had her appendix out at 14. Now in 6th form, she likes to be in school every morning at 8am, regardless of study leave, or free periods etc..because she feels it motivates her for the day ahead. It's the precedent that was set so early on. I know somebody who used to let her kids stay home for duvet days and the likes, and when her son reached 6th form, was constantly getting calls from the school, for his failure to attend! It is so important to set these habits down now, they really do have a lasting impact. Good luck OP, you can turn this around

Do you have a library nearby? They are my saviour, especially on rainy days. Yesterday there was a free preschool play on, then we spent 45 mins colouring and reading while my 11 mo toddled around. I was really under the weather so had parented via CBeebies in the morning so it was great to be able to just sit while the kids had fun. We go to the library at least once a week- all our local ones have toys and colouring (one even has a tunnel under the bookcases) and there are singing groups and events almost every day.

I hated playing with my kids. It IS boring to some. Craft, baking and shizz is even bliming worse! I used to aim to get out most days during the week. An hour in the park, bike/scooter round the block etc. With play sometimes they just need help setting up and a few mins for you to start them off then.

Mine used to go stir crazy indoors so that helped get us out more.

You made me laugh Undomestichousewife. Agree, PLENTY of time to be a shit mum is their teens. I did all the things I was ‘meant’ to do when they were 4 and 2 - park, rhyme time, playgroup etc. Now they are teenagers I am completely hands off 😄 every day is PJ day now.

You’re doing ok OP, you really are. It’s february, it’s a shit month. A few small changes and you’ll stop beating yourself up. They are small and exhausting.

For a start get the four year old to nursery pre school whatever.

I would make a chart for the week planning naps bedtimes meals etc and then once you get into it introduce things like going to the park etc. it's clear you care or you wouldn't have posted this thread.

You just need to push yourself. It's hard j know.

I'd give the ipads and electronics to your husband to take to work for at least a week and break the cycle then you won't be tempted to give them.

Empty the house of all the crap food and stop giving them snacks. You said u do health meals just give those and nothing else

I'd give the ipads and electronics to your husband to take to work for at least a week and break the cycle

^This is genius. Then you can blame him too . ‘Whoops, Daddy took them all to work, silly Daddy. Now what can we do instead...’

I agree with others - get DD to Nursery whatever - she will have fun and do activities there.
When I read your first post I was slightly horrified but as I read more of your posts, less so. It sounds like a lot of what you do is great but with some lapses, so try and work on the really 'naughty' bits. You know what you need to do but nobody's perfect!

I loved role playing with my DD but she was never interested. I agree with PPs that if that's not your thing, encourage them to play together.
I think a bit of telly is fine - the programmes these days are really educational but not all day.
I think it's important to get dressed - have a separate drawer for 'at home' clothes: joggers and tee shirts.

Structure your day like a school or working day with some chores, some play, some fresh air, some TV/ipad, etc. Maybe consider a baby gym or baby music class to go to a couple of times a week - something where you DO something rather than sit and watch them play.
Set a bed time and stick to it even if you leave them in their room with a book/toy or maybe a talking book playing.
Don't beat yourself up.