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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a shit mum?

167 replies

Bluetree · 15/02/2018 08:53

I'm not suffering from depression. I love my children.

My 4 year old spends hours on the iPad each day, as does the 2 year old on my phone. If they're not doing this then they're watching films for a large part of the day. - They will and do play with things, but if given the choice they would chose tech over play.

I HATE playing pretend with them. I shudder whenever one of them comes up to me with a toy/doll/figure and asks if I can play.

They eat far too much crap. Mcdonalds, crisps, chocolate.. Despite being fed balanced meals in between, which they don't really eat. I feel I've set them up for a junk food addiction...

They have no real set routine. Last night we all went to bed at 10pm.

I hate mum groups. Never really been to any and avoid things like that as much as possible.

We don't go out much, if we do it's shopping, soft play or to family. We don't go for long walks, exploring, parks, etc.

They live in their pyjamas/joggers if we're not going out or seeing anyone, but so do I.. So I think they see this as normal...

My 4 year old still has a dummy, she has a full on dummy addiction. Also they both still use a bottle for milk at night.

My 4 year old still can't hold a pen properly, despite my best efforts. She can't write any letters of numbers. Not sure what the 'norm' is...

If my 4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery for whatever reason, I don't bother sending her..

Reading this back, I feel like an absolute SHIT mum.

Anyone else have similarities to this or am I really just a lazy parent?!

OP posts:

Hissy · 16/02/2018 12:52

Bluetree Well done! you see? you absolutely have got this!

Sure there will be 'crap mum days' we ALL have those. All of us. Every last one of us where we think, hmm... not the most productive/healthy/educational day, but you know what, we ALL need those slouch days sometimes.

The trick is balance. you don't have to be supermum every day, just being there, caring for them and providing a stable structure is enough, and better than you yourself had. Perhaps you were swamped by the enormity of it all? Take it day by day, or week by week, whatever you are comfortable with. Meal planning can really help you feel organised, and less likely to fall to snacks or 'junk'

You can also make shopping for those planned meal an activity in itself, by getting a list of things you need and getting the girls to help you find them in the supermarket.

Not often posts on mumsnet bring joy to my heart, but your update really has. I am so proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself. WELL DONE!!

Hissy · 16/02/2018 12:57

ErmNoTa As a fellow agoraphobic, I know the fear you face and know how hard getting out the door can be - I found being with my DS made facing outside possible, it was going outside to unfamiliar places or alone that i struggled with. My Dr said to try rescue remedy (or Antidepressants - which never worked for me with depression and I loathed) so I tried the rescue remedy and it made me feel FAR better about being outside.

I wish you all the strength in the world to beat this. Let me know if you need an ear?

bumblebeebunch · 16/02/2018 13:10

Was coming to offer some advice OP, but seems like you aced it in one day! Well done .

It's so easy to become demotivated, and stuck in a rut. No one is supermum, and bad days happen so be kind to yourself. Routine for sleeping, eating and school are key, everything else can be spontaneous! And although I haven't read all posts by others I agree with most of what I've read about the iPad. It's so easy to become addicted to technology, so set times are a good idea.

Hope you're feeling much better today .

bricksareheavy · 16/02/2018 13:37

Well done on going out and having a good day :)

There’s a lot of research which shows kids are more likely to engage in eating healthily if they help to produce the foods themselves.

If you find yourself struggling again in the future to get them to eat healthier foods then perhaps cooking with them one or twice a week might help, plus it would be a fun and educational activity for them :)

There are some great kids’ cookbooks out there with really simple and low cost recipes for them to engage with and to help them learn about food whilst expanding their palate at the same time. Also websites like www.bbc.co.uk/food/programmes/b00w1ddl have recipes for kids to make with parents.

All the best :)

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 16/02/2018 13:42

Well done OP! You rock!

Dipitydoda · 16/02/2018 13:55

Make a timetable of things to do. Eg 730 all get dressed. 8am breakfast 830 all walk to school with 4 year old. 930 library with 3 year old (no need to interact with anyone). 10:30 get home have coffee, give dc chopped up fruit (they can help you chop any soft stuff). Watch tv/iPad time for 30 min. Get 3 yo to help you make lunch. Collect other child from nursery. Sit down eat lunch. 1:30-2 play a game with dc 2-3 they get down time/nap. 3:30 bake a cake together. 4:30 start tea they can help or use other pot and pan to pretend cook alongside 5:30 eat tea followed by free play. 630 bath 7milk and biscuits 715 clean teeth off to bed/ read story 8pm sit down and get wine. I would also suggest looking at going out to work so you don’t end up stuck with kids every day if you’re not enjoying it

Heatherbell1978 · 16/02/2018 14:33

You need to get a job and get yourself out the house and get the kids to Nursery. I say this as someone who sympathises with you. I'm on mat leave but returning to work soon. Imaginative play bores the hell out of me and I'm very lazy. I have to force myself off the sofa and out the door but I do it. 3 year old goes to Nursery most of the week and I'm increasingly finding the 1 year old watching more TV in the day. But once I'm back at work and she's in Nursery that'll all stop.
That said my kids are in bed by 8pm and both dressed by 7.30am and we do have a routine. They eat some bad food but overall quite well. It's hard but you've got yourself into a rut and if you're not able to entertain the kids yourself, pay someone else to do it.

tomhazard · 16/02/2018 14:41

I don't know if you can afford this op, but I recently bought a year long family pass to a local family farm. It has soft play, massive outdoor play, trampolines, cheap cafe, tractor rides animals and usually costs a lot for a days entry so I hardly bothered.
But with the pass it means that when I feel like being lazy and handing out the screens I just take them there for an hour and they get fresh air (or indoor soft play!) and an airing instead. Even if we just go for an hour it's not a waste because of the family pass and it has made me much less lazy in school holidays etc

checkingforballoons · 16/02/2018 16:08

I've got a tip for the 'can't be arsed' days. Every now and the I'll spend a bit of time Googling everything that's going on fairly locally over the next couple of months that my LO might enjoy. Then I put it all on the calendar. Playgroups, one off events (tend to be during school holidays of course), SureStart centre activities, library activities, anything. My local garden centres have things (craft activities, treasure hunts) going on in holidays, Pets at Home do free animal care workshops - once you start looking there's loads.
I find that if my calendar is packed out with stuff I feel much better. We don't go to all of it, but having the details written down in advance means I can plan the week so much more easily - 'Right, there's a story time at the library on Monday, messy play at SureStart on Tuesday, I'll do park on Wednesday and splash out on soft play on Thursday'. If I don't have stuff written down I find myself floundering a bit and that's when we end up with too much screen time and both of us getting tetchy.
Good luck, you've given yourself a kick, you should be proud of that! Oh and I had a shit mother and question my own parenting because of that too. I don't do hugs, but have a bit of Toblerone.

lilabet2 · 17/02/2018 22:05

OP it sounds like you're an amazing Mum and were actually just posting on here because there are a few things that you weren't doing because of your own anxiety/confidence issues but have now started- so nice to hear!

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2018 22:16

No reverse. I want honest replies. I know I need to get my shit together. We are just in a lazy rut. All of us

Your one day turnaround was good, but the above statement is concerning because it reads like you mean you and your kids, and you can't blame them for being lazy.

You're the parent, you're in charge, any laziness at this age is down to you, not your kids. They are just little, please don't blame them.

Keep up the good work though, because the other side of it is you know it's wrong and wanted to fix it. Plenty know it's wrong and don't care.

Cantbearsedmum · 06/03/2021 00:24

Hello @bluetree I want to know how you are doing, especially in this pandemic!!. I feel like this is me most of the time and if people was HONEST with themselves as someone else had said this is how most kids NOWADAYS are parented. I have alwaysed watch alot of tv and not gone out much as I dont like crowds and busy places. Put that with young kids and my stress levels are way high I cant cope. So like to stay in. I wonder how many want to admit how hard it it to stay in with only your kids as company, now many have faced a year of isolation at home with just there kids!! and how they feel not being able to go out. This is life for some of us, this is how we feel comfortable. Oh how easy it would be to get a job a leave your kids with someone else to bring up hey?? I think you are doing a great job. Yes people see it as being lazy but it's how life is for you. Not everyone likes doing things and going out all the time its about what fits around your life not theres. Sending love hope your well xx

Yellownotblue · 06/03/2021 01:04

ZOMBIE THREAD

TaraR2020 · 06/03/2021 01:22

Just want to stop by and say no you're not a shit mum. Sounds like you've had a brilliant day so I hope you're confidence is boosted :)

Also, my 2p worth:
Re the dummy, I wouldn't worry, some children just take longer to quit than others.
I also don't think its wrong not to send your child to nursery if they don't want to go and if you have the choice.

Your day was more productive than mine btw

TaraR2020 · 06/03/2021 01:23

@Yellownotblue

ZOMBIE THREAD

Oh bugger. Didnt notice.

Cantbearsedmum · 06/03/2021 01:38

What's a zombie thread. I really would like to know how they are doing? Xx

Urintrouble · 06/03/2021 07:33

I’m not going to judge. If you don’t like pretend play why not try another form of interaction? There are lots of other ways of spending time with your children.

Add one vegetable portion to each meal- carrot batons, cherry tomatoes etc, and how about trying a half hour of fun exercise a day or dance to get them up and moving. You are brave posting on here so clearly you want to change. Baby steps is the way. Good luck!

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