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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
KC225 · 14/02/2018 20:16

You and your DH had an argument about Santa and the child isn't even born yet?

Tell you what, get back to us in 3 months when you are picking dired baby puke out of your hair, sniffing your t.shirt to see if it smells like poo and you can't sleep when you're supposed to and dead woman walking when baby is wide awake. Come back then and tell us about the magic and Santa and we'll listen promise .......

outofmydepth45 · 14/02/2018 20:17

'Sorry DC that your childhood is scary and frightening and too much, but my parents fucked me up and rather than work to those bottom of those issues i thought I'd fuck you up to'

slowco4ch · 14/02/2018 20:19

Who argues about Santa before you have a child? Strange to even bring it up. Children simply adore the magic of Christmas and Father Christmas, in turn they bring back a lot of magic to those adults around them.

Turnocks34 · 14/02/2018 20:19

I remember how much of a good mum I was when I only parented my perfectly well behaved, organic eating, hypothetical children.

The reality is I bribe my sons every week with a bag of milky buttons to stop them from causing world war three in Tesco. We do Father Christmas, the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, because they like it. It makes it seem more magical for them. Whilst on the reproduction front I have always been completely honest, I do sometimes tell the odd lie.

When you actually have kids, you'll understand.

juddyrockingcloggs · 14/02/2018 20:19

Nanny0gg of course not, but kids love stories even when they know they aren't real. What's so wrong about telling the story of santa (as that's all it is) and saying some people believe it's real but it's fine.

Because the excitement of Father Christmas and the magic behind it is putting out those treats on Christmas Eve, getting tucked up in bed and dreaming of his arrival with his reindeer and waking up in the morning to see that 'HE'S BEEN HE'S BEEN'. Tell them it's just a story like any other and there is no magic. It's just another story.

BishBoshBashBop · 14/02/2018 20:20

You sound like delightful.

I feel like too many people lie to children so they can have an easy life.

Oh please. Hmm

Coconutspongexo · 14/02/2018 20:20

Can people stop referring to it as lying about Santa - I know that’s technically what it is but it’s basically just a fairy tale isn’t it.

Calling it lying sounds so smug and pretentious

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2018 20:21

Teaching children magical tales isn’t just about lying to them. The origins of story of Santa are real. We as parents are perpetuating the magic. And it’s one of love, care and generosity. It doesn’t have to be about out and out commercialisation. My dd gets bits and bobs from Santa. Perhaps one more expensive present if she asks for something specific from him. She doesn’t notice how much we spend on her in comparison to Santa.

You actually sound very angry. I hope by the time you have a child you don’t speak about them in such a way. They will be living, breathing people in their own right. I appreciate that’s difficult to comprehend right now.

Kardashianlove · 14/02/2018 20:22

As long as they know not to shit on other people's beliefs what's the problem?

If you want to tell them Santa isn’t real, obviously that’s up to you but you can’t expect a 3/4 year old to grasp the concept of ‘not shitting on others beliefs, they just won’t get it and will tell their friends ‘my mum says he isn’t real’

I have a friend who was brought up being told Santa/the tooth fairy etc weren’t real and she says she would never do this to her kids as she felt she really missed out as a child and still can’t understand why her parents did this.

g1itterati · 14/02/2018 20:23

You are really over-thinking this OP and it's odd. As if children are scarred for life by Santa fgs! I must tell you, you are coming across as a loon. Your MIL must be quite alarmed. Please check yourself before all this gets out of hand.

CritEqual · 14/02/2018 20:23

I'll just leave this here:

FluffyPineapple · 14/02/2018 20:24

Your poor child. Imagine being 6 years old in a class of 30 other children, all listening to a story about Santa and the reindeer, whilst surrounded by Christmas cards and tree decorations they have made for mummy and daddy - which will inevitably feature Santa. Your poor child won't have a clue what's happening. He won't experience the magic and wonder that the other children will be experiencing. He is likely to pipe up "There's no such thing as Santa. Mummy said"..... I wouldn't like to be in his shoes when he faces the wrath of his classmates - or yours when they tell their parents that your child told them there is no Santa. Good Luck with that!!

Still, he can always read Harry Potter's autobiography I suppose! :D :D

user1498927651 · 14/02/2018 20:25

OP, I didn't do Santa with my child. I taught him that people believe different things so that he should say 'I believe...' or 'I don't believe...', not 'Santa's not real' so he wouldn't hurt people's feelings. He just went along with it in the first few years of school unless directly questioned. It was the former believers who were the ones ruining it for others!

SunnySeaShell · 14/02/2018 20:26

We all thought many things before we had children, you'll see GrinGrin

You might even come across this post in a few years time and think 'oh what a knob I was'

TheBookThief · 14/02/2018 20:27

Gotta love the ideals and principles of a soon-to-be parent!

We never actually lied about Father Christmas either, its very easy to keep the story and magic going without categorically lying - "I have often wondered how 1 person could deliver so many presents all in 1 night, it must be magic"

Viviennemary · 14/02/2018 20:28

You sound a bit of a pain tbh. At least your poor soon to be DC will have a nice Grandma to make up for your shortcomings as parents. Still you might see sense before it's too late.

Dobbythesockelf · 14/02/2018 20:28

I love the idea that you think you can get a child not to 'shit on other people's beliefs' when they are 3/4. My dd went up to her dad the other day and said"your birthday presents are in the wardrobe but ahhh we can't tell anyone" she wasn't doing it on purpose she just forgot she was meant to be keeping them a secret. Young kids don't always realise what they are saying. When they say it to an adult it's fine But to another 4 year old if they say "but Santa's not real" this could really upset them.
I was never gonna let my dd eat chocolate or watch loads of tv but then I had her and realised sometimes I want a cup of tea in peace.
We lie to kids all the time, not major things but there's no biscuits etc. It's not damaging it's just better than a massive tantrum.

WelshPooch · 14/02/2018 20:29

I feel sorry for the mil - she can’t understand why you would withhold such a magical ‘happening’ from your child - and quite frankly neither do I.

Mulch · 14/02/2018 20:29

Op I'm on my first and not massively keen on Santa. Could you tell them about saint Nick?

WiseOldHag · 14/02/2018 20:29

My son was 14 when he last went to see Santa in a grotto. Yes, that's quite old. Would it be better if he was doing stuff that other 14 year old boys did? He kept the magic alive because he wanted to. I don't think he really believed in Santa at that age. But that's fine.

btw Santa took it in his stride. There were adults with learning disabilities in the queue that night. Santa would have thought DS was one of that group. (Aw bless).

PaddlingShoes · 14/02/2018 20:30

I never visited Santa, hung a stocking, attended Christmas parties or had a Christmas tree as a child and it was shit. Always feeling left out, wanting to join in the excited chatter, reading lots of books about Christmas eve and imagining how lovely it must be. I'm 40 now and I still feel sad about it. I make an occasion out of EVERYTHING with my kids. Birthdays, Christmas, easter, valentine's, firework night, etc and we all love it. A child with a mother like you told all the children in my child's class, in December, that Santa wasn't real and made them all cry. What a selfish horrid woman.

Liara · 14/02/2018 20:31

We've done this. It wasn't so much a philosophy as something that just made sense to dh and I. The dc are 10 and 7 now and they've survived the lack of santa, bullshit about sex and all sorts of other things.

However, we don't tell them lying is wrong. We just tell them that before lying you have to think about why you are doing it and what you are trying to achieve (sparing other people's feelings fine, getting out of trouble not fine). We lie and they know we do (yes, thanks, that's a lovely present!), but we make sure we don't do it just to make our lives easy.

goose1964 · 14/02/2018 20:31

There is a santa I'm married to him, the lie is that we don't live at the north pole but in a 4 bed in Somerset. Honestly I don't believe you'll stick to it. White lies can be OK it's the big black ones that cause the problem

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/02/2018 20:32

DP told DD that Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy etc aren't real when she was hours old.

She won't remember but can't say we didn't tell her the truth Grin

starryeyed19 · 14/02/2018 20:33

I think maybe wait until your child starts asking questions before you decide how honest or not you will be.