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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/02/2018 20:02

Perhaps you have been scarred by a childhood full of lies or something? It seems an odd thing to fixate on really in the grand scale of parenting.
Most adults don't grow up feeling resentful of the few stories their parents told them?

Pick your battles with inlaws. It seems unnecessary to have a huge row about a hypothetical situation. Not everyone will agree with your views so it's pointless falling out trying to convince them to agree.

It's your choice how to parent but your opinions will be met with
bewilderment by a good majority of people.

greenbeansqueen · 14/02/2018 20:02

So there’s no ‘easy life’ from then on in...

Maryann1975 · 14/02/2018 20:03

So they're keeping them from the Jewish, Hindu etc. kids then. Grand stuff hmm
The Muslims at our school actually do the Santa thing. Not to the same extent, but they go along with it. The only families (there are two) who don’t at our school are the Jehovah witnesses. They don’t come to school at all in December in case they should be told anything about Christmas. (No idea how they get that past educational welfare, but hey ho).

Tiddlywinks63 · 14/02/2018 20:04

Sounds like your household will be devoid of any fun and joy op.
Pity your children having such fun less Christmas', or will you just not celebrate, not have stockings and the usual traditions associated with Father Christmas?

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 14/02/2018 20:05

well i can see it now...all the MIL from hell posts just waiting to spew forth.
you sound like a real kill joy.

Notallthat · 14/02/2018 20:05

I always tell my children the truth, not always in great detail but I wouldn't outright lie about anything they wanted to know. The only exception to this is magic, we love Father Christmas, Fairies, Elves and all things enchanted. In my mind its very much akin to the 'no secrets only good surprises' stance we take. If magic is not a good surprise I dont know what is.

SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 20:06

Your naive view on parenting and how it's all going to be reminds me of a naive child believing in Santa.

You will grow out of your nativity eventually, but enjoy every moment while it lasts OP Wink

Come back and tell us how the Santa thing worked out for you in a few years time.

Snausage · 14/02/2018 20:06

OP, at what age, pray, tell, do you expect your not-yet-born child to understand about not "shitting on other people's beliefs"? Or even to understand what a belief is?

I feel so sad that there is any child whose parents would be cruel enough to wilfully make them so different from their peers. When Little Timmy comes home from school to find that Santa (who he doesn't think exists) has visited all his friends and not him, I hate to think of the look on his face.

There's a difference between a malicious lie which causes untold damage and letting a child believe in a little bit of magic for a short period.

Messagefromyoshimi · 14/02/2018 20:08

'm going to confess to thinking like you OP before my children were born. But I decided to do Santa because my friends with children threatened evil things if I didn't. It's probably easier to take from friends than in-laws!

It's just a bit of fun. Actually it's a lot of fun. I'm pretty sure DS1 knows these days and is playing along.

Next Christmas watch Miracle on 34th Street OP - old and new one. It's probably quite difficult to feel the fun in February!!

I don't know what the answer is to the poor kids not getting much question etc. I was the kid aware others got so much more and accepted it as part of not being as good as others. I get why you would worry about it

But my children don't seem to have ever compared what they get to what others get. Just hasn't been an issue. And from what I gather there haven't ever been comparisons post Christmas in school.

Coconutspongexo · 14/02/2018 20:08

Why are you trying so hard

WorldWideWanderer · 14/02/2018 20:08

I never lied to my children, and they are grown up now. They knew Santa wasn't real but it was still magic to them....they still had presents left on the bed, they just knew it was us and that Santa was pretend. It did the children no harm and I believe it was better for them.

They also had money under their pillow for teeth, but they knew the 'tooth fairy' wasn't real. Didn't stop the fun of childhood for them. There is no need to lie to children and I can never undertsand why folk get all upset when someone says they aren't going to lie to their own children.

Why defend all these lies? And why does it matter? I have never told anyone else what they should or shouldn't say to their kids so why do people get upset about what I said (or didn't) to mine?

But MN is weird about this sort of thing, you won't get much sympathy on here OP, but I'm with you on this. You'll never convert grandparents either, so just tell your children the truth and ignore MIL. When she tries to tell your kids a load of unthruths, one day the children will correct her anyway....

Username12345 · 14/02/2018 20:08

Maryann Maybe they go along with it so they don't get 'phased out'. Nice example for the kids.

Christmas. All about peace and love, ey.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 14/02/2018 20:09

I feel like too many people lie to children so they can have an easy life

Yes. That's parenting. Sometimes you've got to take the easy path. Legoland is closed today because I can't afford a £100 day out ; your friends are busy and can't come round because they'll trash the house ; sure I'll be up in a minute no I won't because you'll be asleep ; of course we'll put that on your birthday list oh no we won't it needs batteries

Zebra31 · 14/02/2018 20:10

I am sure someone will have already made this point. You are going to be very popular with other parents at school when your 4/5/6 etc. year old goes into school and tells the class that Santa isn’t real. I wonder how many play dates will be arranged/ agreed coming up to, through and after the Christmas period. I am predicting your poor DC won’t be getting many.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/02/2018 20:12

Have you considered getting some counselling/therapy or similar for your childhood trauma relating to being lied to? You sound like you're overly focussed on the absolutes of truth/lie when reality is more nuanced.

demirose87 · 14/02/2018 20:12

What a joyless existence your children are going to have. How about you come back here when you ACTUALLY have a child and tell us how it's going....Then you will be more informed to be goady to other mothers about how they choose to raise their children.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/02/2018 20:12

Tip for all first time parents, expectant parents etc. Write what your views, expectations and the like down, then bloody burn it.

I envisioned things before DD was born, then I learned the hard way.

lunar1 · 14/02/2018 20:12

Your MIL really lucked out with you didn't she!

Kardashianlove · 14/02/2018 20:13

but I feel like too many people lie to children so they can have an easy life.

Things like when your young toddler is asking for a biscuit and you say ‘all gone’ as that’s what they understand, rather than ‘you can’t have another one as it’s nearly tea time/they’re not good for you/too much sugar’ etc. Yes, showing them the ‘empty tin’ and saying ‘all gone’ to avoid a mega tantrum as you’re trying to cook dinner is an ‘easy life’ but also a bit kinder to the child.

Or when they are winging in the doctors and you say ‘not long now, it’s nearly our turn, look it’s good fun, let’s read any other book’ rather than ‘yes, it’s taking ages, I’ve no idea how much longer, probably forever, I’m even more fed up than you are’. Easy life but probably better for them to lie.

Or you’re pregnant with any other child but don’t want to tell them too early as it’s probaby not in a two year olds best interests to tell them they are getting a sibling (in case of a loss and 8/9 Months is forever when they are little and would just confuse/stress them out).

Honestly, there are so many occasions when telling the truth is not appropriate and would be emotionally damaging as you could be giving them information they are not mature enough to process. What if they ask why their friends dad has left home, would you tell them the reason even if their friend didn’t know rather than lie?
Or their friends parent was diagnosed with a terminal illness but the friend didn’t yet know, you honestly wouldn’t lie in that situation?

NotAnotherEmma · 14/02/2018 20:14

cjferg

YABU cuz you don't actually seem to have an f'ing point to your post, just sounds like self-righteous preaching and it ain't Sunday. Wink

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2018 20:15

How sanctimonious and joyless you are.

My husband tended to claim your position in the Santa department but yielded to me out of exhaustion, he couldn't deal with me anymore. After it was all said and done, the gig was up, he admitted that our Santa chapter was magical and he wouldn't have done anything differently.

Ummmmgogo · 14/02/2018 20:15

lol I think this is area dependent. I know people who have told 4 year olds father Christmas isn't real. they shared this information with my child. we are all still friends and the world kept turning. parent your own way op, but don't be afraid to change your mind Smile

Hookedoncatnip · 14/02/2018 20:15

This is your first child OP? Come back in a few years.
Also I am genuinely interested to hear of the beauty and magic already in this the world that is comparable in terms of excitement with Christmas for a small child.

Offthebandwagonagain · 14/02/2018 20:15

Someone buy op a grinch costume and a pipe with which they can suck the joy of life away.

Ridiculous. Let the children enjoy the magic of Christmas ffs.

Ellie56 · 14/02/2018 20:16

Sounds like it will be a whole barrel of fun growing up in your house. Hmm

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