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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
jainaproudm · 14/02/2018 20:35

I've NC for this because you all seem pretty livid about Father Christmas (or the Easter bunny etc) but I've never told my two he was real and they love Christmas just as much as any other child - they know the Nativity story, and the idea of Father Christmas, and all the other shit that's culturally attached to Christmas time, but they also know it's a lovely time when we visit all our relatives, make mince pies, and give each other gifts. Maybe they feel grown up for 'knowing the truth' but they've never spoiled it for another child to my knowledge.

10storeylovesong · 14/02/2018 20:37

My 5 year old is terrified of fire. My mums dog died on NYE and he asked me what happened with the body. I told DS that the dog was in the stars looking over us. Obviously I should have told him the truth - that he was put in a tiny box and incinerated in a very hot fire and that the ashes are in nan’s cupboard...

user838383 · 14/02/2018 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpacePenguin · 14/02/2018 20:37

Totally with you OP, but you have to be very careful about how you manage other people's expectations. As you can clearly see from this can of worms you've opened - I made the same mistake of posting on a parenting forum when my eldest was a baby. Taught me to stay quiet in future!

The santa thing is the toughest. I have taken a coward's route, and not come fully clean on it. DH and I never say anything about Santa, but it's unavoidable because it's all everyone talks about. When the kids have asked me directly if he's real, I say something like 'I can't answer that question' or 'well, it's a great story and part of the enjoyment of Christmas'. Keeps us all relatively happy. Grandparents and relatives say whatever they always say about Christmas and I never try to dictate what they should say.

My aim was to be fully truthful, but it's probably more like 98%. The biggest thing I've found myself 'lying' about is that I don't know where that pile of paper scraps from 3 weeks ago is (in the bin). Grin

My kids have a wonderful life full of fun. They are extremely happy and secure, and I don't see any signs of damage from telling the truth about the fact that there are 3 packets of biscuits in the house, but they can't have any today or any of the other stuff pp have suggested Confused

TittyGolightly · 14/02/2018 20:37

If it helps OP we’ve never done the santa thing. DD is 7 and has plenty of joy in her life. Hmm

We also don’t do heaven, tooth fairy or Easter bunnies.

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 20:37

WorldWideWanderer Exactly my point.

I personally never believed in santa because I couldn't understand how one guy could visit every kid in one night, and also why some kids got loads of stuff and we didn't (wasn't bitter because I knew santa wasn't real and it was all parents could afford!) and I still looked forward to christmas because it was fun and special in other ways.

And because truth was never a big part of my life I learned to really convincingly lie to myself and others and assumed it was fine. If I'd been truthfully told about sex, relationships, etc. I would not have had to spend the first years of my adulthood sorting out my fucked head, and the way the world is going we're going to have to be truthful about these things to younger and younger kids.

OP posts:
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 20:38

That’s entirely your choice but just think about the fact all the other five year olds talking about what they got from Santa or how many Easter eggs they’ve got, do you not feel your child will feel a bit left out being one of few who don’t believe in so much Magic.
When my son started to question wether Santa was real last year I told him that those that don’t believe will be sad on Christmas morning when they don’t have what they asked for. He said a boy in his class (the class little shit) had told him Santa wasn’t real.
He came back the first day back after half term and told me said kid was complaining he didn’t get the PlayStation he asked for and it’s not fair that my son had got a PS4. So my son told him it’s ‘because you didn’t believe in santa’
All I’m saying is maybe wait until they are older and sit them down and tell them.

OutyMcOutface · 14/02/2018 20:40

You could actually do your children a lot of harm. They need to learn that you can't trust what other people say all the time and how to think for themselves. That's the main benefit of the Santa clause type lie-it teaches them to rationalise instead of blindly believing what they are told.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 14/02/2018 20:40

People lie. Regularly. There have been numerous studies on this subject.

People who 'hate liars and lying' just don't recognise just how often they lie because it doesn't even register.

Cranberrywensleydale · 14/02/2018 20:41

Do you don't have kids yet OP .... you are in for a shock :)

Lilymossflower · 14/02/2018 20:41

I think santa is ok if it's only for a bit of fun and cause everyone else is doing it.
I don't think it's ok if it's used as a control thing as it surpringly often is
'Keep doing that and santa won't bring you any presents!'
A subtle but very often used remark, that the parents probably don't put much thought into but the childeren get very affected by

yorkshireyummymummy · 14/02/2018 20:41

First child syndrome.

I expect the OP will be exclusively breastfeeding till the WHO tells her not to, then feeding a no sugar totally organic Annabelle Karmel diet, no dummy, cotton reusable nappies ( I managed ONCE to use them.), only natural fibres in clothes, baby sign language classes....................and then the reality of actually having a child will hit and she will probably become normal again.

But we all know one and they have to come from somewhere..................

Cranberrywensleydale · 14/02/2018 20:41

So you don't have kids yet OP ... you are in for a shock SmileWink

StripySocksAndDocs · 14/02/2018 20:42

What the heck is going on? Have I been in a coma for several months?

It's February i isn't it? Why are so many people arguing about Santa?

OutyMcOutface · 14/02/2018 20:42

I'm not saying that you have to lie about SC but lie about something.

jaimelannistersholdenhand · 14/02/2018 20:45

It's fine not to do Santa but you'll have to ask your child to pretend (lie) to her peers that he exists for a few years so they don't end up the kid who ruined Christmas. It's not socially acceptable to talk about Santa not being real to a primary school child (age 10-11) That's a lot of years of asking your child to lie.

Lorraine265 · 14/02/2018 20:45

You are not going to lie about anything?!?!

What if one day you have 13 year old DD who says so and so called me spotty/fat etc. If it’s true are you just going to say ‘well they do have a point.’

happytobemrsg · 14/02/2018 20:46

Olddear Grin

KatieRandom · 14/02/2018 20:47

I agree with you OP. My parents felt the same as you do (they did not want to lie to their kids) and therefore did not lie to me and my siblings about Father Christmas and they always explained right from when I could remember that Father Christmas isn’t real and is just for fun. It didn’t mean that Christmas was any less magical for us and in fact I felt sorry for my friends at school whose parents lied to them by insisting that Santa was real! The poor kids felt pretty silly when they discovered the truth!

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/02/2018 20:47

I don't like the whole Santa thing as a way of coercing your children into behaving a certain way.

But you can have Santa as part of the magic of childhood without it being a huge lie or something you use to bribe them with. Mine are 12 and 7, I know the 12 year old knows, he knows I know he knows, neither of us has spoken about it, he simply winks at me and continues the magic for his little brother. It makes me indescribably proud that although he knows he understands that he's keeping magic going for DS2.

I agree to a point that lying to children isn't ok; I don't lie to them about real-life things; they ask where babies come from and I tell them, they ask about death and I explain it in an age-appropriate but truthful way. But there's a definite difference between truth and magic and for me the line blurs a little there and I see it as adding something to their childhood as opposed to taking something away.

CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2018 20:47

I expect the OP will be exclusively breastfeeding till the WHO tells her not to, then feeding an Annabelle Karmel diet, no dummy, cotton reusable nappies, baby sign language classes

this actually describes the reality of raising my two! so, ner ner ner ner ner.

Nibblertron · 14/02/2018 20:48

Oh yes, don’t lie... in fact while you’re tellng them all about the REAL beauty of the world, don’t forget to be honest and explain the flip side of humanity like human trafficking, murder, rape, serious organised crime, corruption, exactly what paedophiles and animal abusers get up to, and of course, the fact that one day they will die and it probably won’t be pleasant.

Any avoidance of any of these would just be sheer dishonesty, wouldn’t it? Hmm

Like when I let out in involuntary yelp of pain when I read a tragic news article, and my 3yo says “What is it Mummy?” I should actually say, “well, a man has just stabbed his little girl to death”, rather than “nothing darling, don’t worry”. I am such a lying failure of a parent, clearly.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 14/02/2018 20:49

OP

Kids just want to be the same as everyone else.

Sometimes you don’t have to lie, you just say nothing.

Whatever happened in your life, you don’t have to do the same, and you don’t have to go completely the other way either.

But the worst thing for kids, at some point in their childhood, is to be ‘different’.

KatieRandom · 14/02/2018 20:49

Jamielannister- I was the kid in primary school who told all the other kids that Santa didn’t exist 😂 Are you seriously saying that my parents should’ve told me to lie to other kids just so that their parents could continue to lie to them? That’s ridiculous...

BHillary · 14/02/2018 20:50

Oh no, you'll soon learn when your future 4 year old is misbehaving in public and you need to bribe them to be good by saying santa won't be coming ...