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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/02/2018 19:47

*not true.

obvs

greenbeansqueen · 14/02/2018 19:47

Any other parenting tips? I’m worried i’m doing it all wrong.
You’ll ‘lie’ to your kid all the time. ‘Go to sleep, you’re not missing anything’ - ‘ yes i’ll Check on you in a minute ( after they finally settle after 2 hours of trying to out them down)
‘his mummy must have forgotten to give you a party invitation/ you couldn’t go because you had xyz’ ( when your 4 year old realises that he was the only one not invited to the party at the weekend)
‘you’ll feel bad if you don’t share your toy/chocolate with little Timmy’, - no they won’t feel bad they’d rather keep it Ll bit how else will they learn
‘ mummy and daddy don’t want to go out and leave you either’, - mummy and daddy haven’t had a proper night out together since you were born 3 years ago and can’t frigging wait to get out the door...
And the classic - I ALWAYS know when you’re fibbing...

SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 19:48

Why don't you cross that bridge when you get to it, yourDC hasn't even been born yet. You have no idea what the excitement of Christmas will be like with a toddler, it truly is magical. I'm sure when the time comes you won't want to dampen the magic and alienate them from their friends.

I had many great plans about how I was going to parent ahead if the time, some of those plans were unrealistic. We muddled along and a lot of compromises were made, I now have two pretty fantastic teens.

Why don't you chill a little and enjoy the little joys in life.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 19:51

Lol I was a fucking fantastic parent before I had kids too, OP

I'm with you there

greenbeansqueen · 14/02/2018 19:51

We have friends who did the no Santa thing, no lies thing. - the kid is a right cynical questioning little sod and they lie to her all the time about other stuff, mostly for her protection minor white lies. We avoid them at Xmas cos the kid wants to make sure all the kids know how stupid they are believing in that nonsense and how wise and all knowing she is. Really annoying.

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:51

Hypothetical children are easier, yes, i get that, but I feel like too many people lie to children so they can have an easy life.

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 14/02/2018 19:52

Here here crisps&gin!

OP - hate people like you

YearOfYouRemember · 14/02/2018 19:53

I'm more concerned with you lumping Santa and sex together than the odd HARMLESS lie.

squarecorners · 14/02/2018 19:53

You are basically marking your future offspring out as weird, excluding them from a social and cultural shared experience and let's face it they will be the smug little...."dears" who tell all the other kids at nursery/infant school that there's no santa and it's just your parents lying to you. And do you know why kids do that? Because they are lashing out at the fact that they are left out of a ritual that gives the other kids joy and pleasure. It doesn't matter if they still get presents. Not only will you deprive your own kids you will also ruin other families' traditions and happiness. Piece of coal for you!

usualGubbins · 14/02/2018 19:53

FFS I'm not trying to say Harry Potter is real but in my childhood I got a lot more enjoyment and fun out of reading it (and playing, pretending we were wizards, etc.) than I ever did from lies about some dude coming into my house at night and leaving presents.
And how are you meant to explain how santa doesn't leave as much/anything for some kids. Or do you just say that the poor kids have been bad so santa didn't come, aye?

I think you really miss the point. You enjoyed Harry Potter, some children enjoy Santa, some children enjoy Winnie the Pooh and some enjoy Tellytubbies. And very often they don't enjoy the things that you might want them to enjoy. For some reason you seem to hate santa, but your children might love him, which is quite sad as it's a very short, magical time in children's lives.

PortiaCastis · 14/02/2018 19:54

Don't judge what actual parents do until you're one yourself!

SweetMoon · 14/02/2018 19:54

Yay, kill the magic, hey op. Much better they aren't lied to. Who'd want their kids to experience pure happiness and excitement anyway once a year?

Nutjob.

wakemeupbefore · 14/02/2018 19:54

OPO, are you old enough to be having children?
Hmm

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 14/02/2018 19:54

Just a suggestion, but you should read 'The Uses of Enchantment' by Bruno Bettelheim.

All about how fairy tales/ myths help our children to comprehend the wider world.

HildaZelda · 14/02/2018 19:54

In this case, it's the MIL I feel sorry for.

GabsAlot · 14/02/2018 19:54

i was told the truth aboutsanta never bothered me

Lashalicious · 14/02/2018 19:56

Yay, we the arbiter of truth in our midst.

Fact is, op, you’re the kind of person nobody likes. There’s some unvarnished truth for you.

I thought about being kinder and gentler but after reading your posts on this thread...nah.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 14/02/2018 19:56

There are things my parents did that I feel betrayed by, but Father Christmas isn't one of them! I knew for years before I let on, and even then, I kept quiet for my younger siblings - It was just so that my parents knew they didn't need to put all that sneaking effort in (although the stocking was still appreciated.. and money from the tooth fairy)

I think there's lies, and then there's untruths, and that it's almost a critical thinking test/kindliness test, that once the kid's passed you get another measure of them. A shared bond rather than a betrayal, that they know you loved them so much that you did all this sneaking around to make Christmas/tooth loss magical for them.

Username12345 · 14/02/2018 19:58

YANBU

People on this site are ridiculous about Santa though.

I wonder how all these people getting hysterical over it think the millions of people who don't do Chritmas don't shrivel up and turn to dust.

And all the people keeping their kids away from the other kids. So they're keeping them from the Jewish, Hindu etc. kids then. Grand stuff Hmm

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 19:58

Am I the only one wondering what the Ops Mum and Dad lied about that made her distrust them so much?

AIBU to want to know? Grin

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:59

Nanny0gg of course not, but kids love stories even when they know they aren't real. What's so wrong about telling the story of santa (as that's all it is) and saying some people believe it's real but it's fine.

As long as they know not to shit on other people's beliefs what's the problem?

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 14/02/2018 19:59

I had a really messed up childhood because I believed in Father Christmas. My parents really messed up with that one. Our childhoods were pretty near perfect apart from that big lie They told us once a year Hmm.
My own children however, had a really messed up year last year. They lost 3 grandparents and two aunts within 18 months and saw death at close hand twice (not because it was planned, but because it’s the way life unfolded at the time). I’m pretty glad they had the lie of Father Christmas to cling to during what will probably be the worst Christmas of their lives.

Don’t be ‘that parent’ op. None of the other parents will thank you, we’ve phased a similar person out of our group because of issues like this. We just don’t want her kids around ours.

greenbeansqueen · 14/02/2018 20:00

Ahaha ha. An easy life. F me, OP. There are many many things that children bring to your life, but ease isn’t one of them! No matter which way you choose to parent once you have a child the worse thing you can imagine ever happening to you is something happening to that child.

WorkingBling · 14/02/2018 20:01

I think you are enjoying this and phrposecully missing the point of the majority of posts. Go ahead and be all righteous about your hypothetical parenting but please stop trying to get everyone het up with your attitude. Engaging in imaginary events- whether Harry Potter or Santa (and yes, they are the same) is completely different to full on malicious lying.

And if you really truly can’t see that I feel sorry for you because people lying to screw you over isn’t about lying - it’s aboit people who are simply not nice.

Reallycantbebothered · 14/02/2018 20:01

Yes , it bloody hurt when I had you and that's why you're an only child!
So you're never going to lie to your child.....good luck with that OP