Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/02/2018 08:32

I'm not sure 15 years us that old for a car! He has a mobile? Join the AA.
Asking as there is oil water and air in the tyres which you can do, there is nothing else you need to do for a long journey.
My DD drives the length and breath of the country in a small one litre. You just go slower, which isn't a bad thing.

Loonoon · 14/02/2018 08:33

I agree with the suggestion that he has a motorway lesson with his instructor before he goes on the motorway alone. I did this 30myears ago and insisted DCs did it too. Motorway driving is very different to urban driving and a split second mistake can be deadly.

Where we live every journey of more than about 6 miles includes the M25 so I use motorways a lot. It always amazes me how many people have no idea how to drive on a motorway. I really think that in certain parts of the country it should be part of the test.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2018 08:33

I agree with you OP. Is the car something like a 2CV or a Morris Minor? If it's small and old, it won't have the safety features (brakes, crash protection). That's the worry here.

It's sounds like it's perfectly suited to local pootling but not the motorway because it won't be able to keep up and the only way to drive it really will be to sit in lane 1 behind the lorries. Is there a non motorway route (put the route into a sat nav or google maps and tick the 'avoid motorways' option)?

cdtaylornats · 14/02/2018 08:35

A friend of mine paid for his daughter to have 2 extra lessons after she passed - how to park in a multi-story car park and a drive on the motorway.

He felt the motorway one especially helped her confidence when she had to drive on her own.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/02/2018 08:35

My parents didn't want me to drive on a motorway until I'd done pass plus, for their peace of mind more than anything.

I don't think yabu, it's your car! And anyway now he's shouted at you down the phone it would be a definite no from me. If he'd spoken to you calmly and offered to get it serviced himself before the trip then maybe but reacting like a child just reinforces the fact that he isn't mature enough yet. I'd be telling him to buy and insure his own damn car!

thecatsthecats · 14/02/2018 08:38

YABVU to claim concerns about safety but not service your own car.

Of all the people I know who have had accidents, only one has been unwise motorway driving. All the rest have been fixable problems with their own car, that happened at low speeds.

My car is 14, and it's by no means a 'banger', because my mechanic has actually made it a better drive than when I bought it.

Winteriscoming18 · 14/02/2018 08:40

Yabu I say this as someone who passed her test in July and I managed the motor ways just fine in my little Clio. He’s 19 and your babying him and trying to control him.do you micromanage every other aspect of his life?

iBiscuit · 14/02/2018 08:43

Motorway driving is entirely different to any other kind, even to driving on most dual carriageways.

Your DP is being unhelpful and unsupportive, and your DS a typical 19 yo who knows everything.

YANBU.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 08:45

YANBU at all!

Firstly, your ds is being an ungrateful little shit. He is getting free use of a car - time this stopped because he is rude and unappreciative and won't be any different until he realises just how easy his life is really. Yelling at you means that you should revoke the nice stuff you are doing for him.

Your dp is a prick. He doesn't care about your peace of mind or your son's welfare.

I wouldn't let my dc drive on a motorway without having had a motorway driving lesson or a first trip out with an experienced driver.
All very well for other posters to say you are wrong, but it's not their child. He's yours, so do what you feel is right as his mum.

Saker · 14/02/2018 08:47

I think some people are being a bit hard on you OP. I can see why you are concerned and I certainly don't think YABU to ask your partner to look over the car or go out with your DS for a quick practice first. Even if it is not strictly necessary it would put your mind at rest and it would be a kind and supportive thing to do. Speaking as someone whose DS1 has recently passed his driving test, it is a scary thing to let them go off by themselves in the car. Driving is a dangerous thing anyway and obviously someone with less experience is going to be more at risk. I think you probably have to let him take the plunge, but I do think YANBU to ask for support from your partner.

mum11970 · 14/02/2018 08:47

Y are most definitely bu. Let the lad use the car. A 1.0 litre is perfectly safe on a motorway and is capable of going at 70 mph, you just don’t drive it at that speed. You do realise it’s not compulsory to use all the lanes on a motorway don’t you? It is perfectly fine to stay in lane 1 or 2. I’ll lay bets that the dual carriageways near you have a speed limit of 60 mph, not 40/50 and you’re just babying your son. My dd has her first official driving lesson with an instructor today and even she’s driven faster than 40/50 mph with me sat with her.

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2018 08:48

I think a lot of it depends on the motorway - I wouldn't let my 18YO drive on the M23, M25 and (top end of ) M3 to Bournemouth a few months after passing his test. I'd have probably thought differently if it was only the bottom end of the M3.

His car is as old as he is! (I took him in mine) And any screaming at me just results in total deafness on my part. My car.

CakeOfThePan · 14/02/2018 08:49

I’m wondering if we have the same tiny car op. I use mine on the motorway you just have to work the gears and plan your manover.
But
It should be serviced yearly, stuff like cam belts have a recommended life so need replacing or the engine could break whilst your driving it. Depending on the make etc cam belts need replacing every 6-10 years it’s not just mileage that’s important.

martellandginger · 14/02/2018 08:50

I think I would be pretty annoyed with ds attitude. At 19 he should sorting his own transport out and not be blaming his mummy!

That said maybe you are being over cautious. I do agree with a test drive on a motorway though.

StripySocksAndDocs · 14/02/2018 08:51

OP have you driven on a motorway yet? Either in your car or another.

It is daunting the thinking about going on a motorway first time. Lot of people say motorway driving is easier. It isn't really, it's different; less manoeuvring but more speed. You still need to use mirrors and be highly observant.

The car not going over 70 isn't a problem because you won't be over 70 at any point.

If it's poor acceleration then you or he can't overtake someone going slow in the inside land unless the middle lane is empty (or far back). Otherwise just accept you'll stay in the inside lane - you don't have to overtake.

Amanduh · 14/02/2018 08:53

Every person I know has driven on the motorway without motorway lessons, by themselves. Sorry op yabu

Chickenagain · 14/02/2018 08:53

Thank God for JustforthisFred a lone voice of reason. Some people on here would have their kids barrel down the hard shoulder on roller blades if that is what they wanted to do.....

OP, it is your car. You know it's limitations. It is perfectly fine for pootling about, but with an inexperienced teen thrashing it down the motorway, becoming the meat in the sandwich, fiddling with sat nav/radio/phone it really does only take a seconds lack of concentration to have an accident.

Inform your DS that from all the money he is saving by not having to pay a realistic & adult contribution to running a car or your home, HE can invest in some.more advanced driving lessons and an hour on a skid pan.

After the lessons, go out with him and makes sure he drives your car & treats other road users with respect. Any sign of laddishness or frustration and your 'arrangement' ends.

Your car = your rules. End of discussion.

Bluelady · 14/02/2018 09:02

He's an adult who's passed his driving test. For a first journey on a motorway the car's ideal if it won't go over 70, he won't be able to drive any other way but sedately. His dad clearly thinks it's fine so I don't see your problem. You have to let your kids grow up and treat them like adults.

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2018 09:05

You’re out of order here. I drive a 15 year old clio on motorways. He’s either passed his test or he hasn’t.

I’d be really annoyed if I were your son.

LizardMonitor · 14/02/2018 09:06

I think you are projecting your own anxiety as a new driver on to your Dc.
If your car is serviced and MOT’d it should be roadworthy. Plenty of vehicles on the motorway are not actually allowed to do more than 60mph.

It would be better to get his concentration and buy-in for listening to a few clear hints and tips, rather than arguing and panicking.

I do sympathise: my anxiety rises at the thought of my teens learning to drive.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 09:07

I'm all for treating them like adults when they behave like adults! Yelling at your mum because she said no to something, is behaviour I'd expect from a toddler!

Buy your own car = drive it where you like
Rely on mum and drive her car = respect her pov!

Chanelprincess · 14/02/2018 09:12

or gets a car the age that mine is serviced

Not getting your car serviced is pretty irresponsible - no wonder you're worried about your son driving it! All cars need a regular service regardless of age, especially if you're planning to take it on a long trip. There are plenty of local garages that will do the job for a sensible price. I would get it serviced and then let him take it for your own peace of mind.

CoffeeOrSleep · 14/02/2018 09:12

I never understand the drama around motorways by people who are capable of driving on a duel carriageway. If the car isn't able to do above 70, then the additional lanes are pointless, he'll sit behind a lorry pootling along. It will be no different to be stuck behind a lorry on a duel carriageway. It'll probably take him longer than 90 minutes.

Make sure he has breakdown cover and a sat nav so he can find his way if he is diverted off the motorway for any reason (he can run that through his phone if he doesn't have a sat nav).

He's unlikely to be in an accident as he can go fast and overtake.

DollyMcDolly · 14/02/2018 09:15

I really don't get the angst about motorway driving. I only passed my test a year and a half ago and instead of doing pass plus, I drove to Scotland with my husband within the week. Motorway driving was far easier and safer in my opinion. A 90 minute journey is nothing and if he is confident, you should be letting him. I would be extremely frustrated if I was him

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2018 09:16

I’d be really annoyed if I were your son. you'd be annoyed that your mum wouldn't let you use her car? That she paid for, pays the insurance for, puts petrol in (apart from the £20 he 'sometimes' puts in)?

What, exactly, do you think you have the right to be annoyed about?

Swipe left for the next trending thread