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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
safariboot · 14/02/2018 02:20

The motorway is safer than the local dual carriageways. Although the speeds are higher motorways don't have traffic lights, roundabouts, cyclists, etc. They have smoother curves and usually a hard shoulder. Your DS will adjust to the speed quickly. (What he really needs to be mindful of is getting used to lower speeds when he exits the motorway.)

The car on the other hand sounds sketchy. Just about any car that's not older than you should have no problems doing 70, though some of the slowpokes might take half a minute to reach it. And if the car's older than mid-noughties then the safety in a crash tends to be really poor compared to modern cars.

PrinceofWales · 14/02/2018 02:25

OP, YAB entirely reasonable. Your car is suitable for what you need it for and that isn't motorway driving. That's ok. People don't use tractors for the weekly shop at Sainsbury's because it's not suitable, you don't use the car on the motorway, fine.

DS shouldn't be screaming at anyone, as everyone is pointing out he's 19 and an adult so the least he should be able to do is keep his temper in check. I would be telling him to get the train this time ( and he can pay, he is an adult) and then you and he can decide to either continue with your current arrangement or he can look at car options available to him. But the screaming at you I'd shut down now.

Weezol · 14/02/2018 02:42

  1. The screaming means he gets the train. Actions have consequences. His lack of respect for you is awful. It's your car, if he carries on like this I'd revoke his use entirely.

  2. He is getting use of the car for £80 per month rather that the £350 his mates are paying. He has full time job. He can easily afford a 2 hour motorway lesson. Or his own lease.

  3. Your DP. Hmmm.

Try doing a short self assertiveness course. It sound like you need to learn to say no in a way that doesn't involve justifying it. These two adult males seem to be following similar patterns of behaviour - wearing you down/tantrumming until you are in the position where it's easier to say yes. This is, at best, unpleasant and at worst, bullying.

Learn to let your no be no.

Jenijena · 14/02/2018 06:49

I took my 10 year old, 0.9l Fiat Seicento around the country. I don’t think the car is the issue, but screaming down the phone at you may be. Was it genuine screaming or just utter frustration at your anxiety and risk aversion?

GunnyHighway · 14/02/2018 06:50

You really should get your car serviced, even at that age. The oil will start to degrade, filters will start to clog. When was your clutch or timing belt changed as they could both be due (And your timing belt will lead to catastrophic engine failure). If your filters have a bypass valve you could be sending dirt oil round your engine which will wear the moving parts like your crankshaft bearings, piston rings, pistons and cylinders etc.

Your DP wouldn't pick up on any of that unless he's a mechanic. All he'd be able to do is check the levels of all your fluids. If you're a driver you should be able to feel how your brakes and steering feel and there's no particular technical knowledge to being able to check your lights work.

When all is said though it is your car and so up to you whether or not anyone uses it.

londonrach · 14/02/2018 06:56

Yabu. Take him on the motorway so he gets some experience and let him use the car if you dont need it.

Babycham1979 · 14/02/2018 06:59

OP, you seem to be projecting your own driving insecurity onto your son. The car won’t suddenly break because it’s not used to doing 70mph. It’s not a long trip at all, and you do know people drive on motorways all the time don’t you?

Should I also point out that motorways are generally safer than a-roads?

Karigan1 · 14/02/2018 07:02

If the car isn’t fit to do amotorway run it shouldn’t be on the road at all.

Some cars actually need a motorway run every now and then to keep them clean. It burns the door particulates in diesels for instance.

Karigan1 · 14/02/2018 07:02

Soot not door damn autocorrect

stoneagefertilitydoll · 14/02/2018 07:06

YABU.

I've barrelled down the motorway on 125 motorbikes sandwiched between lorries doing 65, I've done it in < 1 litre cars, and > 2.5 litre vans.

You have to do it sometime, you're just building it up in your head as more dangerous than it is - per mile, motorways are the safest roads. A 1 litre car, on a motorway, is going to be fine.

TiredMumToTwo · 14/02/2018 07:09

I think YABU but it’s your car so you have the final say.

I do think you’re clipping your son’s wings due to your own anxieties though - let him have some freedom!

emelsie · 14/02/2018 07:12

Honestly I would be the same as you and i think your son should have some motorway experience first , driving full stop can be dangerous and even if it’s only to give you peace of mind that you have done everything you can to keep him safe , as a 19 year old male he is the group of 17-24 year old males that are much more at risk of having an accident. Some people take driving to lightly.

EricNorthmanIsMine · 14/02/2018 07:14

My Smart car used to take me all over the place, regularly doing motorway trips of over 100 miles and all on a 660cc engine ... top speed of over 80mph (if needed!) Small car does not mean unsafe on the motorway OP, you just need to plan ahead and be aware of the traffic speed which you should do anyway!

I've juat gone from a 2 litre plus diesel to a 1 litre petrol and my driving routes are still the same and i feel perfectly safe Smile

You need to take your son out on a short motorway trip one evening this week so he can have a taste of motorway driving and you can assess his skill properly

NerrSnerr · 14/02/2018 07:18

What car is it? I haven't known anyone who has had a car that can't get to 70 in years, and some have been bangers!

If you work in claims then you'll know he's more likely to have an accident on roads in town and more likely to die on country roads.

SandyDenny · 14/02/2018 07:18

I am a very experienced driver and drive on the motorway pretty much every day and there's no way I'd do it in a small car that couldn't get out of the way of a lorry.

Of course new drivers need to start somewhere on motorways but this trip doesn't sound like the best one for a first go.

It's not unreasonable for the OP not to have had her car serviced in 9 months, she obviously doesn't drive very far why would have an unnecessary service

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 14/02/2018 07:20

YANBU. I am a confident driver of many years but terrified of motorways. It's that if something goes wrong and someone has a lapse in concentration or drives poorly it's ordinarily catastrophic, not just for them. I do it, i have to drive 2 hours on a motorway today, but I'm bricking it. Any fears I have for myself are amplified for my child! I woildn't stop him in his own car if it was decent but I do feel you need good acceleration at your disposal on motorways so you can get out of a tricky spot/past an erratic driver if needs be.

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2018 07:25

IF it is your car and your 19 year old is screaming at you about not being allowed to take it for the weekend , he would have all car privileges revoked until he grew up, realises you support him how you can afford and what his friends have is not your problem. He can always move out and support himself. Your dp is another issue, if you put yourself out for him a lot then it does seem pretty rude of him, unless it’s really that he finds your 19 yo unbearable (possible given his behaviour here). If it’s not that I guess you explain you hadn’t realised it’s so one sided a relationship and will be pulling back a bit.

SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 07:25

YABU

Imo motorways are safer than some windy narrow country lanes. If he is a confident driver I don't know why you'd hold him back.

QuitMoaning · 14/02/2018 07:26

I have a 30 year old car and it does about 2,000 miles a year maximum but I still get it serviced however it is once a year along with the MOT. I wouldn’t do it more frequently.

My OH does about 20,000 miles a year and it is serviced a little more frequently in line with manufacturers recommendations (it is 8 years old)

treeofhearts · 14/02/2018 07:29

If your car won't reach 70 easily then it really shouldn't be on the road at all. Surely your son went on busier dual carriageway during lessons? If he didn't then his Instructor was clearly a bit shit. Mine took me all over to use bypasses, 4 lane carriageways and level crossings so I would know what to do after I passed.

PollyMycroft · 14/02/2018 07:29

You are getting a hard time overall here....I can see where you are coming from. My Mum and me used to 'share' a car in the same way when I was younger but... I had more respect than your DS and as she had bought it and paid the running costs if Mum needed it she got it first. Also-I valued her opinion so if she had said I needed a trial run on a stretch of motorway before attempting a longer journey I would have done so. I would not have screamed at her-that's appalling.
I also think your DP should be more considerate of your wishes and he should want to help. I wouldn't be rushing to help him in the future.
And it is awful driving on a motorway in an under powered car!
You should have it regularly serviced though-this is even more important for older cars.

dotdotdotmustdash · 14/02/2018 07:37

Can't you call his/your old driving instructor and see if they can fit him in for a motorway lesson before the trip? I know lots of instructors will happily offer one for recently-passed drivers.

Tumbleweed101 · 14/02/2018 07:42

I understand your concern - my son has been driving a year now and has had some hairy moments in the icy weather but that’s part of the learning curve.

I can also understand why you’re reluctant if it’s your only car - my son has his own. But it would be a shame to put him off trying it if he has the confidence to. Make sure he has a map or sat nav so feels safe if he needs to change route at any point and make sure you have break down cover so he can get home if the car does play up. Explain how motorways are different driving to towns and then let him go. Scary being a parent of young adults 😖.

altiara · 14/02/2018 07:43

You should get your car serviced!
I know what you mean about cars with tiny engines on the motorway, it doesn’t feel as safe when others are using the 70 mph limit as a minimum. But it is still legal and possible to drive at 60 mph in the inside lane.
I wouldn’t be letting him use the car though if he’s shouting at you and making you cry.
And your DP is bring a dick for not helping out, your DS could definitely use a little bit of motorway driving experience before doing a 1.5 journey.

DropZoneOne · 14/02/2018 07:47

You need to service your car. At least once a year. Things wear out, do you replace the oil filter, air filter, spark plugs, coolant, brake fluid? None of which would be picked up on MOT but will improve the running of the car.

A small car is fine on the motorway. He'll just have to stay on the inside lane if he can't overtake, or allow plenty of time to accelerate and move out. It's a driving skill like any other, practice makes perfect. If you're that concerned about his skill, insist he takes a motorway lesson beforehand.

He was BU to scream at you although I expect it's frustration.